[ A/N: Hello everybody ^_^ I think this is the first author's note for this particular fic, but I'm not sure. Anyway, this chapter is the only one that will have the actual self harm taking place, all the other times will be implied. PLEASE skip to UNDER THE DOTTED LINE if this would be triggering or extremely upsetting to you.

I also saw something on Tumblr about how people may be romanticizing disorders, self harm, illness, etc. I'm really sorry about that, that's not what I'm intending at all. This is meant to be more of an (eventually) heartwarming story. A story of living life, friendship, feelings, progress, and love. The love is not meant to stem from the pain, it is meant to bloom from the feelings and the care between the two characters. While I do not mean for anyone's feelings to be hurt, I will not stop writing things on this subject.

Additionally, I have alternated between plain italics and bolded italics in this chapter when John is thinking. This is so that it is easier to decipher. Sorry if it doesn't help or is counterproductive.

The last thing is that I'm very sorry that this took so long. It was a little difficult to write for obvious reasons. Thanks for reading and I hope you'll like this chapter like you seem to have enjoyed the fic so far. I did my best :3 ]

The last of the day's sun filters in through the kitchen window as John sets his PDA down on the counter, face relaxed at last, and heads upstairs. On the way to the stairs, he grabs supplies. Each stair creaks with every step.
His two inner selves are fighting and it's loud, too loud. One of them is far too nice, the other one is logic.
You're going through so much, how could anyone blame you for anything if they knew?
Shut up, how narcissistic are you, you fucking shitstain. You're an idiot because no one does know and it's your fault because you're too much of a fucking douche to tell anyone.
It's not your fault, what could you have done?
Apparently a lot because the majority hates your guts and it can't just be for no reason. You are the unbelievably stupid minority. You can't judge your own self and this is how everyone else judged you. They're right.
That's not true! Don't be sad and self deprecating, you don't deserve that!
How much of a fucking ego do you have, asshole. Don't be self deprecating, that's true, and don't be a pathetic shitsack! Give up already!
"Enough of this crap," John thinks to himself. He knows it's all him. He's the one trying to convince himself that he isn't a useless piece of trash. But he's also the one who's not the most idiotic person ever, so he knows that logic is the less kind side of his thinking. He knows.
The boy opens the door to his bathroom at the top of his stairs. He closes the door quietly and locks it behind him with a click. Putting the toilet seat down and sitting, he opens his formerly loosely-clenched fist to find what he expected. The makeshift razor he got out of his pencil sharpener. He sets it on the counter and arranges the paper towels and bit of peroxide as well. He takes the towels and rips off two long strips, laying them on the tile below his feet. He twists the cap of the peroxide open and wets a small section of a paper towel. Retrieving the sharp, he carefully swipes the wet towel across it and over the metal surface. Positioning the blade comfortably in his hand, he hovers above the clear bare skin of his thigh. It's clean. He is clean. But that's not true, he's dirty, and he's dirtying everything. He ruins everything, all his mistakes were his fault. Everything he does is always wrong and it's his fault. He is wrong.
They hate you for a reason. You're WRONG. Your father is dead because of you, and look at everything you do! Just do it, pussy.
John squeezes his eyes shut and bites his lip, gripping the blade harder.
With each sharp intake of breath, he tenses, but it takes a bit of willpower to finally drag the blade across his skin. It isn't deep, but he winces as a slight sting jabs at his nerves. Go deeper, press harder. Tiny bubbles of red liquid form along the thin crimson line and John slices across once more. Pain shoots up his leg and he releases a small gasp. He doesn't know how but it feels good. Somehow there's a relaxing rush that fades as he finds a slightly deeper cut above the first one. Again. Deeper. Again. Deeper. It feels so good yet it's so grotesque and he knows it. You're a disgusting, selfish, failure and now look at what you're doing. This instead of killing yourself like you should, too bad you can't.
He gives a sad smile and looks at the cold tile, chilled blade slipping out of pale fingers and hitting the ground with a faint clink.
I know.

…

A loud buzz wakes the heir and he nearly smashes his glasses slapping his hand on the nightstand for them. He grasps them and slides them on to find his PDA lighting up.

_
gardenGnostic [GG] created memo at 3:51

CG: HEY JOHN HUMAN
GG: i thought we stopped with that a while ago
CG: SORRY IF IM BRINGING BACK SWAG
GG: dont do that
CG: OKAY
EB: what the fuck is going on
GG: well basically we were wondering how you were doing!
GG: we have to take advantage of the times when trollian is working
CG: YEAH WHATEVER, SO THEN EGBERT
CG: HOW ARE YOU
EB: fine? whats going on
EB: that was kind of creepy too just so you know
GG: okay regardless of how creepy it is karkat was just asking how youre doing
EB: like i said its cool :B
CG: ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD
EB: what
GG: karkat stop
CG: IM BEING WHAT COOL REALLY IS
CG: ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT STRIDER FUCKER WORE IT OUT WITH HIS IDIOTIC HOOFBEAST SHIT
GG: oh my god
EB: alright whats wrong with karkat
GG: he was watching all these random movies online
GG: i think his husktop should be confiscated :l
CG: HEY IM BEING CULTURALLY SENSITIVE YOU UNGRATEFUL SHITS
GG: who cares! john for gods sake whats up already
EB: like
EB: school stuff?
GG: sure if thats whats up yes
CG: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE EARTH EDUCATION HIVES
GG: karkat
CG: DONT GET YOUR SHIT IN A BUNCH I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING
CG: LET EGBERT TALK, JADE, I THOUGHT WE WERE BEING COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE, POOR JOHN CANT EVEN SPEAK.
EB: are you being especially karkat-ish today or is that just you being weird
EB: could just be me i guess
CG: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
CG: JUST TELL US SHIT SO WE CAN END THIS FUCKFEST MEMO. I FUCKING HATE MEMOS.
GG: grr
EB: okay, jesus! i was just saying that everythings fine and my school shit is going fine
CG: THATS IT? ARE YOU SURE?
EB: yeah!
CG: WELL FUCK I GUESS ILL JUST GO BACK TO WHATEVER I WAS DOING BEFORE AND IGNORE HOW SUSPICIOUS YOU ARE
EB: since when am i "suspicious"
EB: also how would you even know what me being suspicious would be like
EB: haha you cant even answer
CG: SORRY I WAS REMEMBERING THE FUCKING MONSTROSITY THAT WAS OUR "FRIENDSHIP" ON THAT GOD DAMN METEOR. JUST ONE EXAMPLE WOULD BE THE TIME YOU WERE RUNNING AROUND WITH MY SICKLES IN THE TOASTER, THAT SHIT ENDED IN YOU FRYING THE TOASTER DESPITE ALL WARNING TO NOT PLUG IT IN. WHY DID WE EVEN HAVE A TOASTER NOBODY EVER USED IT FOR ANYTHING BUT UNECESSARY BULLSHIT
EB: you were having none of my shit
CG: NO I WASNT! OKAY I WAS JUST SAYING THAT WHEN YOU HAD THE TOASTER AND I ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD A POORLY HIDDEN TOASTING DEVICE BEHIND YOUR BACK, YOU SAID NO IN A WEIRDASS WAY. SO YEAH, SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR HERE.
EB: well sorry you feel that way or something
GG: can i talk yet.
EB: like you were actually bothering anyone before anyway
GG: i know i was just angry at a certain someone for being an asshole!
CG: FOR GODS SAKE I WAS TRYING TO LET JOHN TALK AND IT WASNT WORKING SO SORRY FOR THAT
GG: okay whatever!
CG: WHATEVER
EB: i think ill go on that note haha, you guys are like little girls fighting or something
CG: FUCKING NO
GG: okay i guess
EB: bye guys!

ectoBiologist [EB] stopped responding to memo at 4:17

GG: really
CG: WHAT

Eyebrows furrowed, John sits up in bed with a disgruntled yawn. Off to another day of school.