Naruto;

First Arc; Awakening

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. I see things, I have snarky smartass comments, you want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Chapter 1; I know, I couldn't help it. I thought to myself, "What if someone who read Naruto found himself in the sandals of Sasuke Uchiha..." ...Well... Let's find out.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

"Uugh..." Uwah, ugh. Huh? Do wha-?

I woke up, from a rather nice dream. I just couldn't remember what it was about. I bloody hate that.

With no small amount of effort, I opened my eyes, pulling myself up into a sitting position. All around me, I could see was-

A blur of color.

As I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, something became apparent. My hands weren't MY hands.

I blinked. Then looked at the digits in question, turning them over. They were waaay too small to be mine. What the bloody fucking-?

In that instant, I immediately looked around, and realised I was NOT in my bed, nor even in my own room. Seeing this, I jumped out of the bed, dashing over to the closest window. It was dark outside, but there was just enough light for there to be a clear reflection.

What I saw, shook me to my very core. Dark eyes, dark hair, vaguely emo expression(NOOOOOOOO! Not the emo!), hair like-

Like a duck's ass. The face was boyish, young and handsome, with pale white skin that contrasted the ebony hair and irises.

I blinked, looking at- My, reflection. What the hell?

Now normally, I am tall, muscular, and rough looking with a buzzcut. I am also seventeen, not friggin' twelve! What the helling hell?

Then I noticed something. The face I saw... It was familiar. It looked like-

Like... (Quit stalling! There's no bloody dramatic effect from pauses in writing!)

Like Sasuke Uchiha, from Naruto.

The hell?

'Either I'm dreaming... Or something is seriously wrong with me.'

As I pinched myself in the side, I realised, no, I was not dreaming. Fucking lovely.

Well, what do I do. Stay here? Nah, too boring. Head out?

Eh, why not. Might as well have fun. Before I set about looking around the room, I tried to remember how I got here.

...Nothing. I fell asleep, and BAM! Here I was. But there was osmething odd; I distinctly remember going to the academy yesterday, and meeting Kakashi.

The guy smelled like dog fur. Seriously, wierd.

Other than that, I remember learning to fight, to kill, to use chakra. I felt oddly strong, and yet, those memories felt uncomfortable, as if they were not mine. (Which is right. They're Sasuke's, Now mine. Wierd, man)

I put all that aside, and decided to wing it for one day. I'd worry more about what I'll do after I see the world through these eyes.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

After poking around the room, I found a drawer filled with clothes, and another loaded with weapons and gear. Equipment a ninja would use. (Steel wire, kunai, shuriken, caltrops, scrolls, exploding tags, soldier pills, mesh armor, rations bars, grappling hooks, climbing spikes, and a myraid of other items)

Figuring I'd go with my own style, I pulled a pair of cargo pants and the Uchiha's trademark short-sleeve high-collar shirt. Before that, of course, I put on the mesh underarmor. It was surprisingly heavy, but very comfortable. After swapping outfits, I threw on a pair of armored gloves, strapped on a pair of sandals, (I was so going to see about a decent pair of boots later on) I decided on equipment.

First off, I strapped two pouches to the back of my belt, each filled with a variety of gear, one in particular I added several ration bars. (Earlier, when looking around, I couldn't find a picture of Team 7, which means that this must be early in the series)

There was also a note on the nightstand.

Get up early. No breakfast. Training field 3.

This, kinda tipped me off. So I was on episode two? Or three?(Four, actually) Either way; it was the day of the bell test, huh?

Looking over at the clock, it was only five forty. I had time. I was about to leave the bedroom when I noticed something, a blue object resting on the drawer next to the door. A hitai-ate; Leaf forehead protector.

Picking it up, I unfolded it, before making a bandana and tying it around my forehead, matting down and hiding the duckbutt hairstyle.

Now that I was looking and feeling a bit more like myself, I left the room and went searching for the kitchen.

It was a good sized apartment. I figured it must've been inside the Uchiha compound, judging from the clan symbols on every other wall.(Supposed to be a fan or a paper lantern. Looks more like a fucking fishing lure to me. Beware, the clan that can see every fish in the lake! They'll steal your deadliest catch! Too obvious? Sorry)

Once I found the kitchen, I went about looking for, finding, and fixing a cup of ramen. Once that was done and down my neck, I left, and found myself outside, in the village of Konoha.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

I'll save you the boring and tedious time I had searching for the training fields, but it took me roughly twenty minutes.

After I arrived, walking along a forest path for a good ten minutes, I saw something strange. A boy in orange sitting on the ground, leaning against a large wooden post. There was a girl in a red dress, with garish pink hair next to him.

Naruto and Sakura, respectively. Huh. Wonder what today will bring... And how I should fuck with it, heheheh.

"Yo."

Turning to me, they both shouted, "You're late!" I smirked.

"And yet I'm still here before Kakashi. Fifty ryo says he isn't here until after ten." They both stared at me. Where was the 'Hn' response they were so used to?

"Uhh, I'll pass." Naruto was showing an out-of-character intellect. Huh. He knew I'd win, that, or he didn't have fifty ryo to waste.

With a chuckle, I said, "Smart. Either of you eat anything yet?"

They both shook their heads. "Sasuke-kun! Kakashi-sensei said not to eat breakfast." I raised an eyebrow.

"And do you know why he said that?" She blinked, but before she could respond, I kept going. "That is to torture us for the test, and make us fight on empty stomaches. Believe it or not, it's better to eat and wind up puking than not eating anything and suffering even worse. Here," I reached into my pouch and pulled out two ration bars, tossing one to each of them. "You'll both be useless to the team if you don't have the strength to fight. Not to mention your growling stomaches will give away your positions."

Of course, they stared at me. "...What? Did I grow a second head I'm not aware of?" They continued to stare.

"Sasuke-kun, are you alright? You're acting strange." Sakura held onto the packaged energy bar, but didn't unwrap it. Naruto, on the other hand, had shrugged and chowed down, grimacing all the while.

"Ugh! It's like eating corkboard." I snorted a laugh at his expression.

"Yeah, they're expensive to make, so they cut costs by taking out the flavoring.(I have some experience with high-calorie ration crap. MRE; meals rejected by Ethiopians) And Sakura, I had something of an epiphany last night."

Sakura was about to speak, when Naruto gulped down the last bite of the nasty-tasting ration bar and interrupted her. "Ulgh-euhh. Epifa-wha?"

Heh, I had a hard time not laughing at that. "Epiphany. It means I realised I was a haughty emo asshat who had no friends, and that I wasn't living for myself, but for the ghost of a dead man. So I said fuck 'em and decided I didn't want to be like my bastard brother." This sounds, well, plausible. Or at least it is believable, considering my own happy-go-lucky personality.

They stared at me in shock. "But Sasuke-kun-" Again, Naruto interrupted her.

"No friends? Teme, you were the most popular kid in the academy!" He was outright shocked.

Time to pull a win outta my ass. C'mon, think back to highschool. "Popular? Tch, I had fangirls who didn't know a damn thing about me. They didn't like me, they liked the image I had, the unapproachable emo Uchiha. Believe me, I'd rather have one girl I enjoy being with instead of a whole horde of brainless bimbos. None of those people were my friends." My frosty tone struck home,(As intended) as Sakura flinched at the 'Brainless Bimbo' comment. Naruto just looked- Well, less annoyed at me than he had a moment ago.

"Sakura, you better eat up. You look like you haven't eaten in days." She snapped out of her reverie, blinking away whatever thoughts she was entertaining.

"Oh! Yeah, right. Thank you." She sounded slightly dejected. Eh. I don't much care for anorexic girls, thanks.(No meat means no curves. Seriously, since when did 5'9 and 80 pounds become the in-thing? Man, I get the feeling I'd break a girl like that! Or bruise the crap outta my balls, neither of which is a fun prospect)

Naruto piped up. "Yeah, thanks Sasuke!"

After all that, I walked over and plopped down next to one of the wooden posts, leaning my back against it. We were going to be here for at least a couple hours.

Damnit, Jim.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Well, when I'm right, I'm right. We were there until around eleven thirty or so before Kakashi showed up, the lazy prick.

"Yo." Kakashi arrived, carrying a large alarm clock and two bentos.

Of course, as if we'd choreographed it beforehand, all three of us shot to our feet, dramatically pointing at the tall, cycloptic Jounin.

"YOU'RE LATE!" He leaned backward comically, as if he'd been buffeted by a strong wind.

"Yeah, sorry, I got lost on the-" I cut in, intent on being a bit flippant for him trying to trick young kids. Seriously, that's not right.

"On the road of life? Okay, I don't care if you're a jounin or a bloody kage, if I hear that excuse again, I'm burning your precious icha icha collection." The tall man blinked.

"Well, aren't you a bucket of sunshine?"

I blinked back, before snarking, "Yeah, and right now I'm in a good mood. Just wait until I'm pissed off. What were you doing, anyway? Sleeping in? Boning Tsume Inuzuka? Or were you just moping in front of the memorial stone again?"

Kakashi blinked, hard. 'Just who is this kid... And is he fucking psychic?!'

"Have you been following me? Are you sure you're an Uchiha and not a Hyuga?"

I shrugged at his offhand pun. "Hey, I'm arrogant, but I'm not THAT stuck up. Hinata excluded from that stereotype, of course. She's just stalker-ish.(Naruto didn't notice any of this) And no, I'm just very good at reading you, mister Copy Ninja. Like an open porno," The Jounin blinked again, and I think he smirked my mention of his precious porn, before getting back on topic.

"Moving on... Your test is to acquire these bells." He held them up, to show what they looked like. "To pass, you must get a bell within the hour. The one who doesn't, will get sent back to the academy. They will also be tied to one of those posts, and forced to watch while the rest of us eat lunch."

I considered telling him we just ate to see his reaction, since it would be hilarious, but since Naruto and Sakura objected before I could say a word, I didn't bother.

Not that THEY decided to mention chowing down just before he arrived, either.

After that little arguement, he continued. "Now, remember, you're a team from this moment onward. Are there any questions?" I raised my hand.

"Yeah, why are you giving us such a contradictory test?" He blinked. Wait, what? Mood whiplash.

"What do you mean?" His voice was neutral, so I had no clue if he was surprised. Probably not.

Eh.

"I mean, we pass or fail as a team. You said so yourself just yesterday. Yet now, you're saying that one of us will be sent back? That inof itself is meant to turn us against one another. Not to mention, you're giving us an impossible goal; individually, there is no way any of us can get those bells, as no Genin can match a Jounin. The entire point of this test is teamwork, yet you're acting as if this is pass or fail on an individual level. Is there a reason for the deception, or do you just enjoy messing with genin?"

He blinked. HARD. "You figured all that out by yourself? Just now? Yes, there is a reason, to see if you could overcome your individual goals and put the team's needs ahead of your own. Thank you for ruining that. Good job." I used my patented smile-head-tilt.

I used my patented smile-head-tilt. "Just for you, Ero-sensei." He blinked again.

"And now you're calling me that? I thought that was Minato's thing... Regardless, back to the task at hand. What he said is right; the goal of this exercise is teamwork, so work together if you want to pass. But you must come at me with the intent to kill, or you will never pass. Understand?" We all nodded in unison, the other two still slightly in shock at the revelation of the test's true purpose.

"Good. Now, begin!"

Of course, we scattered. I dashed to the right, moving in the same direction as Sakura, whereas Naruto- Blockhead decided to take Kakashi head-on. Still an idiot.

While he went at our sensei with taijutsu, I waited for my own chance, as I knew Naruto would create a perfect opening.

When Kakashi got behind Naruto, ready to Kancho him half to death, I shouted,

"NARUTO! DROP AND BACK-KICK!"

Ooh, just as Kakashi was shouting the name of his super-awesome/gay technique, Naruto took my advice to heart, dropped to the ground and kicked his leg out, catching Kakashi-

Right in the balls. Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo, owch.

We all heard a nice, loud, sharp, *Crick-crack!* As Kakashi's eye bulged out, and he dropped to the ground, groaning. Being an enterprising individual, Naruto grabbed the bells off his belt and took off, hauling ass towards the nearest treeline.

I rushed out of my hiding spot, moving towards his position as Sakura did the same, all of us changing direction and heading for a single spot in the treeline. We'd hide and plan out a strategy before he recovered.

Or, we would, except he was a Jounin for a reason. Roughly eight seconds after getting both eggs cracked, he pushed himself back to his feet, growling as he ruefully massaged his aching balls. Heh, and struggled not to throw up. I myself was cackling like mad, wondering if he truly was all that, if Naruto could get the better of him right out of the academy.

Anywho, we were running a mad dash, through the trees, when Kakashi decended upon us like a demon straight out of hell, landing a solid kick to Naruto's back and sending him sprawling. The bells went flying, and I dived onto them, just in time for our enraged sensei to send me-

*WHUMPK!*

"OOMPH!" Into a tree with a second kick.

"Guahh-!" Shit! I could, barely follow his movements. Damn, he was fast. And motherfuck that hurt like a BITCH! Agh, ow! Feels like I just got sucker-punched by a freight train.

I had the bells, but-

He was fast approaching, ten feet, five, three-!

'Oh shit!'

Falling back on instinct, I turned and rolled out of the way, tucking myself into a ball and just BARELY avoiding a fist that cracked the bark of the tree I had just been next to, as I pushed myself to my feet.

Taking off as fast as I could, I saw Naruto on his feet, moving a different direction, following Sakura. I followed, knowing full well that if I could hardly follow his movements with my eyes, there was no way in hell my body could match Kakashi's in a head-to-head fight.

I had to count on avoiding, or out maneuvering. With a smirk, I decided to use my smaller body stature to my favor.

We were inside the tree line, so-

Go low.

Ducking and throwing myself to my right, I grabbed a tree root and pulled myself around, pushing off the tree itself to get myself going. I didn't bother looking back, 'cuz I knew he was right on my heels. Okay, gotta use that to my advantage.

After another five feet, I jumped, grabbing the nearest tree branch and using my momentum to spin myself upward and around, getting behind the quick-moving Jounin. As he was mid-stride, my feet collided with the small of his back, my body weight and momentum knocking him to the ground, face-first. Heheh, it pays to think like a monkey.

I didn't bother hesitating. The moment he hit the ground, I took off, using his head as a stepping-stone.

Oh, he had to be pissed. I know this, since he caught my ankle.

"Whoa-ah!" *Clunk! Thumpk!* Ow.

...

Fuck. My. Life.

With growing apprehension, I turned my head, glancing behind me. And what I caught sight of, would make Hannibal Lecter piss himself in sheer fright.

The killing intent rolled off of him in waves, actually bringing a chill up my spine. It was rather, ah, invigorating.

"I take it you want these back?" I dangled the bells from a my fingers, almost taunting him.

As he reached I snatched them backward, clenching my hand around them.

"Ah-ah, sensei. You said our goal was to acquire them; we got them. We passed, according to your rules." I grinned, nice and big and mocking. Heheheheheheheheh, I'm going to get myself killed one of these days.

"I never said the test was over, now did I? You have to hold onto them for the entire hour. Now hand them over, or things are going to get rough." I thought on that for a moment. He was allowed to cause non-permanent injuries to us, soooo-

That includes torture. Damnit. Hm, wait. I gots an idea.

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." I held out the bells, while he had my shirt bunched up in a fist, holding me still. When his other hand reached for them-

I remembered he had his legs spread, with a full view of prime target numbers one and two. I never let my eyes so much as glance there, lest I give away my intent, but-

When he grabbed the bells, I kicked my foot out, smartly clocking him in the balls, for the second time this morning. He already had the bells in his grip, but his hold on my shirt loosened, so I scrabbled out of his grasp, turned and ran like hell.

Oh, I was going to pay for that later, but it was funny as hell. If you let yourself get kicked there TWICE, you deserved it.

Dumbass.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

I ran like the wind, ducking and dodging through the trees, before taking a hiding spot and waiting for a moment to catch my breath.

When I wasn't immediately grabbed, I looked around for my teammates

They were together, hiding and looking out for myself and Kakashi, hidden under a bush. I could see them because Naruto's orange ass stuck out like an erection at a convent.(I'd know, since I once dated a girl who attended one. Meaning, we were banging, and I got found out. Damned insubordinate rod of mine made a tent in the curtain I was hiding behind)

With a little finnesse, I snuck through the underbrush and got closer to them. When we all heard something else moving, I stopped and looked in the direction it came from, to a rather humorous sight

Kakashi came out of the treeline a good ways off, walking bow-legged and cradling his smashed nuts. Oh, ho-ho, this was golden. I wish Anko was here; she'd get a kick out of that and probably poke fun at him. He let untrained genin kick him the balls not once, but twice. She'd laugh her pretty tits off at his ineptitute, probably whack him there a third time for good measure, saying he was unfit to pollute the gene pool.

Heheheh, oh, I would kill to see the look on his face.

Anywho, I crawled through the bushes until I got to Naruto and Sakura.

"So what should we-" I interrupted, whispering.

"Oy. Sorry, but he got the bells back. And I found out we need to acquire them and have them when the alarm goes off. Cruel bastard." They stared.

"Shit. Well, you were right, we can't take him on conventionally. Any ideas?" I grinned.

"Of course, I always have a cunning plan. But be aware, now that he's been clocked in the crotch twice, he won't let us get him with that again. Aim for the face next time. Now, believe it or not, he's verrry homophobic, so what I suggest, is that we..."

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeehehehee. Oh, I was an evil sonofabitch. Thirty minutes later, and four minutes until the end of the test, as Kakashi walked along the stream, he grumbled, still nursing his sore testicles.

"Rrgh... What male justifies hitting his own teacher in the groin, outta see how they like it. Or call Anko down here and let her do the honors." As he groaned and moaned, thinking of all sorts of different evil ways to get back at them, he heard something familiar.

"YOSH! KAKASHI, MY ETERNAL RIVAL! THERE YOU ARE!" As Kakashi turned, he caught sight of Might Guy, his colleague and longtime friend. Of course, he was wearing his trademark green spandex tracksuit and Chuunin vest.

"Guy? Well, I could use a distraction. What brings you here?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow, wondering why Guy would show up during the genin test. He had his own students already from last year, so why would he be here now?

"I have found your weakness, Kakashi! Never again will I lose to you, my rival!" Once again, his friend didn't know the meaning of the word volume. He was also coming far too close to be comfortable.

But Kakashi found what he said interesting. "My weakness? Really? Well, what is it, then?"

His comrade shouted, "BOY'S LOVE!" And dashed forward, seizing the copy ninja in a bear hug, holding him in place, lifting his feet off the ground, much to the Copy Ninja's surprise.

"Guahh! Let go! Let me go! GET OFF OF ME! I DON'T LIKE MEN!" All the while Kakashi was struggling and screaming, Guy was just laughing and laughing.

Conveniently, at the same exact time, Naruto popped out of a nearby bush that was behind his teacher, creeped over and snatched the bells off of his belt the moment Guy grabbed him, before turning and dashing back into the treeline, his mission completed.

Back with Kakashi, quite suddenly, Might Guy released him, stepping backwards with his trademark grin.

"YOSH! HOW UNYOUTHFUL! Kakashi, I never would have pegged you for a bigot!"

Of course, the moment he was released, Kakashi dashed away from his psuedo-gay rival, hyperventilating.

"NEVER! EVER! Never do that again! Ever!"

After a few moments, Kakashi Hatake realized something; Guy was chuckling. No, cackling.

Guy does not cackle. He has this loud guffaw that reverberates off of all nearby surfaces, filling whatever area he was in with sound. No, this was not his comrade.

As Kakashi eyed him funny, Might Guy suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to be replaced by a smirking, cackling Sasuke Uchiha.

"Gotcha!"

Kakashi blinked, stunned. "What the f-" BRINGABRINGABRINGABRINGA!

. . .

BRINGABRINGABRINGABRINGA!

"Son of a bitch!" Kakashi cursed, realising he had been duped. By a Genin, no less. As he stood there cussing, he saw Naruto and Sakura walking out of the treeline, both grinning like they'd just single-handedly won the Chuunin exams, each carrying a bell.

And even worse, Sasuke was cackling like a monkey, having the time of his life.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Kakashi groaned as he shut off the alarm, wondering if he could fail them for being annoying.

But then again, they did well. One in particular showed extreme intellect, insight, combat ability, and strategic planning. Not to mention, he was willing to bend the rules for the benefit of the team, as the Jounin had witnessed before the test had even begun. He has great potential, but his flippant attitude and problems with authority might cause problems.

The second showed great combat ability, but a slight lack of intellect. Still, he did well working with others.

The third he hadn't seen much from. From what he knew, she's very intelligent, but lovesick over Sasuke. Could cause issues with team dynamics.

As he went over these things in his mind, he considered what he should do.

"You all..." All three of his students looked at him, with hope in their eyes. He considered failing them just to see the looks on their faces, but he wasn't that cruel. He wasn't Ibiki, after all. "Pass."

"Ha-ha! Yessah! Dattebayo!" Naruto jumped, pumping his fist.

"Shannaro!" She did the same fist pump, looking decidedly unlady-like.

"Heh, boo-yah. So what's our first order of business, teach? Are you gonna treat your new students to a meal? Y'know, to encourage us to bond with one another?" Sasuke leaned back against one of the posts, looking slightly smug, but not overconfident. It fit him, somehow. Like he was a man at the top of his game, and he knew it.

Dubiously, Kakashi then asked, "You're just trying to get a free meal, aren't you? Well, I suppose I must."

Naruto piped up. "Awesome! I know the perfect place!"

Sasuke looked at his sensei. "I'll bet you a million ryo that it's a ramen stand."

The Jounin raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, but I'm not that gullible."

Sasuke Uchiha smirked, taunting, "And who is the one with smashed testicles here?"

Oh, he was pissed. The Copy Ninja vibrated with rage, tempted to inflict those very same injuries on the boy tenfold, the Council's 'Last Uchiha Legacy' be damned.