Title: Too Good to Be True

Summary: Remy the Elf had to bite back a gasp at the sight of the love of his life, Jacqueline Frost, looking positively radiant in her bridal gown. Remy/Jack. Fem!Jack. Crackish. Post!RotG.

Pairing(s): Remy/Jack; a surprise at the end

Rating: K+

Warning(s): Crack, I guess. Bad Santa/implied coarse language.

Word Count: 801

A/N: Unbetad. Any mistakes are mine and mine alone.

Someone shook his shoulders roughly. Upon failure, they took to slapping him around the face, screaming high-pitched obscenities.

"Wake up! Wake up, you, idiot!"

At that moment, their ragdoll, Remy the Elf, finally began to open his eyes. As his eyes journeyed upward, he noticed several oddities: mammoth was his stature, his build powerful, his jaw square. Blinking, Remy's hand went up to scratch his hat only to find that, instead of its familiar, itchy surface, soft hair graced his fingers.

Wait – hair?

Eyes panicked, Remy stood up abruptly, causing the red-faced elf on top of him to fall off, shrieking.

"What?! How is this?!" he said, touching his face – his lightly bearded face, "How am I – "

His trousers were tugged impatiently. Tempering his shock, the former elf – and, now, large man – looked down. Still flushed, the only elf of the two motioned for him to come closer. Naively, Remy obeyed. Smacking his face, the tiny creature – 'Was I ever really that small?' Remy wondered – glared at him.

"Get a grip!" he said, "Have you forgotten what day it is?!"

"Well, it's certainly not Christmas – Boss is still here."

Facepalming, the elf shook his head.

"For the love of North! It's your wedding day!"

"My…wedding?"

"Yes!"

Tossing a suit at him, the elf, who Remy now recognized as Leonardo, huffed. Leonardo turned on his heel and gave Remy these kind departing words, "Now, get dressed, you imbecile!"

A couple of hours later, Remy fidgeted in his silk, ebony suit as he waited for his bride – whoever she was. Phil the Yeti apparently agreed to minister the reception. Upon seeing the big, hairy yeti in a fancy priest robe, it took all of Remy's might not to laugh hysterically; he did, after all, recently prank the big guy.

Said reception was a grand affair: every spirit attended, and everyone was darn right jolly. It made him all the curious to wonder as to who exactly his future wife is. She had to be pretty important to gather this much attention to their wedding, right?

Every question that was racing through his head was answered shortly. All of a sudden, everyone rose up as Here Comes the Bride began playing. Gulping, Remy twiddled his thumbs as he craned his head to get a closer look. Remy the Elf had to bite back a gasp at the sight of the love of his life, Jacqueline Frost, looking positively radiant in her bridal gown. The Guardian of Fun's lacy, beaded dress was vintage in design and hugged her figure nicely, very nicely. Akin to a mermaid it was also; its white train could have covered the entire North Pole. The elves lifting it up glared more ferociously at Remy as Jacqueline neared him.

When Jacqueline did reach him, Remy considered it a miracle that he didn't faint there outright. He touched his mouth. Oh, thank goodness – he wasn't drooling. The man who escorted Jacqueline, North, chuckled at the flabbergasted expression on Remy's blushing face. Leaning down, he whispered some decidedly unclean words concerning Remy and Jack's honeymoon, their progeny, and energetic youth to the shorter man. Needless to say, if Remy wasn't embarrassed before, he certainly was now…

How did North ever acquire such colorful language, anyway?!

"And, now, by the power vested in me, I, now, pronounce, you, man," Phil said, dragging a shaking Remy closer to Jack, clasping their hands together, "and wife. You may kiss the bride."

After a while, Remy finally looked up from their intertwined hands to see Jack gently smiling up at him. He spluttered, causing her to chuckle. Her eyes suddenly shone with mischief – an expression that Remy, for the first time, was not glad to see.

With a seductive smirk on her lips, she purred in his ear, "Come on, darling. Don't you want to claim your prize?"

He gulped.

Slowly, he leaned down as she rose up on her tiptoes.

Just, then, a chill ran through him. The cheery multitudes quickly disappeared, merry applause drowned as the spirits' faces twisted and meshed into something horrid. A massive, black horse loomed, towering over him. Inside the shadowy animal's fiery green eyes, a demented smirk was most prominent. Sneering, it taunted the quivering man.

"You didn't really think you would get away with it, did you?"

Laughing darkly, the horse morphed into a tall man with wicked gold eyes. Remy did not like the glint in those eyes, but he had a feeling that the black-haired man liked him even less.

"For what goes better…than cold and dark?"

Somewhere in an underground lake, there was a vast, ominous lair. Cackling echoed, making many of the fearlings irritable. The tall man with wicked gold eyes smirked triumphantly.

"Now, then," he mused, "What to do about ex-boyfriend number one?"

A/N: Pitch somehow thought that he was in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Silly man. Reviews very much appreciated. Please tell me what you thought.