Mock Effect 3

Chapter 13: Cameo Ensemble

INT: CITADEL: HUERTA MEMORIAL HOSPITAL: HALLWAY: AFTERMATH

(JANE & JOHN SHEPARD and their squad mates, GARRUS & JAVIK have rushed over to the hospital after the events of the last chapter caused an old friend of theirs, THANE KRIOS, to be mortally wounded. They pick their way down the very crowded hallway.)

JOHN: Who the heck is Huerta anyway?

GARRUS: A human president from earth who…

JANE: Somebody who donated a lot of money to get this place named after him.

JAVIK: In my cycle, Hospitals were not this crowded.

JANE: I imagine they were better run, much more efficient, and had cures to everything. Seriously, you need a new catchphrase.

JAVIK: No. All the patients were dead. We would not waste time on the sick with the reapers to fight.

(In the uncomfortable silence that follows this bleak comment, JANE finally finds a NURSE. The nurse, having been working for many hours with the victims of the Cerberus attack on the Citadel, is understandably just a bit frazzled)

JANE: Hey, I was wondering if you've seen my friend, Thane Krios?

NURSE: Is my forehead too broad? Am I getting a little big on the sides? DO I LOOK LIKE THE FRONT DESK TO YOU? Sorry. I'm doing my best here, but I've been working for 36 hours. (To another patient) YOU'LL GET YOUR MORPHINE WHEN I GET THERE! Describe your friend?

JANE: He's a Drell. Green skin, deep dark eyes. Stab wound. Says "See ya" a lot.

NURSE: Oh. Him. Mr. I-get-one-of-the-only-2-operating-rooms-in-the-entire-hospital-because-I'm-special... HAS NO ONE HEARD OF TRIAGE AROUND HERE? He's under a different name. He's pretty much dead.

GARRUS: Harsh, much?

NURSE: I am in the middle of horrific crisis here, working in the only hospital for a space station of 13.2 MILLION PEOPLE! I don't have time to explain Kepral's Syndrome for scrubs! He's in there. (Points, and goes back down the line of patients.)

(They follow his direction and find THANE in a room with his son, KOLYAT, who is munching on a cookie.)

KOLYAT: Hey, Shepards! Long time no see! Did you know they give you cookies if you give blood?

JOHN: Really? I'll be right back.

JANE: Idiot. How are you feeling, Thane?

THANE: Rose… bud.

JANE: What?

THANE: Promise me… Never let go…

JANE: We both know that door was big enough, Thane.

THANE: I am a leaf on the wind… watch me soar!

JAVIK: I do not think that line worked out so well the first time.

THANE: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe… (His voice trails off)

JAVIK: Ha. I'd believe them. Oh.

JANE: I'm sorry, Thane. You were a good ma… Drell.

GARRUS: I never got to learn his Krogan choke hold.

JOHN: (Stepping back into room with a bag full of cookies) What's going on?

JANE: Thane is gone.

JOHN: Damn. Does that mean he's not going to eat this Jello?

JANE: (To KOLYAT) We're sorry for your loss. Please promise you'll tell us about the memorial service?

KOLYAT: I'll send word the next time you're in on shore leave.

JOHN: Ha! Shore leave. That's a good one. I have a galaxy to save!

JANE: You won't get any if I kill you first! (Pushes him out of the room none too gently)

JOHN: What? He's wasn't going to care!

(As their voices trail off down the hallway, KOLYAT closes the door.)

THANE: Are they gone?

KOLYAT: Yes, though I really don't see why…

THANE: I step out with them for one minute and end up with a sword through my gut. If I recovered they'd be visiting all the time! Who needs the hassle? I'm just glad that cretin came back in when he did. I was running out of death quotes.

KOLYAT: You could have used "Freeeeedom"

THANE: Just turn on the TV. I want to catch the end of Survivor before I get discharged.

INT: CITADEL: DOCKING BAY D24: SHORT TIME LATER

(Having finished a tongue lashing on the topic of respect for the dead, the team is walking up to the Normandy when they spot CARTH & ASHLEY standing by the door, looking sheepish)

JANE: What are you guys doing here?

CARTH: We've been thinking, and we want to know if you would have done it.

JANE: Done what?

ASHLEY: Shot us! If we hadn't backed down about Udina.

JOHN: Well, duh!

ASHLEY: I can't believe you'd do that!

CARTH: What ever happened to us?

JOHN: It wouldn't have been anywhere vital.

JANE: By the way, congrats on the promotion guys!

JOHN: Yeah! Four human Spectres! We're going to rule the galaxy soon enough!

CARTH: We were going to tell you, but Udina had us doing a lot of errands.

ASHLEY: Which, coincidentally were right before a coup he orchestrated.

CARTH: So we'd like off this station. As soon as possible.

ASHLEY: Admiral Bishopfromaliens has offered us jobs, but I think it was more out of sympathy than anything else. Can we rejoin you on the Normandy?

JANE: I'd love it! What do you say, Johno?

JOHN: I'm a renegade, not an idiot. Of course hot chick and biotic boy can come along.

(Grins are seen all around the group, except for JAVIK. JOHN clears his throat.)

JOHN: But I still outrank you, see? Which means I get the room with the bar and the poker table. You losers have to sleep in the library.

JANE: (To Garrus) Why don't you and Javik take a breather. Carth & Ashley can come with us to the Spectre office.

JOHN: What? I thought we could get on the road!

CARTH: In the sky. Roads are only planetside.

JOHN: Don't make me regret not shooting you.

JANE: We have to see if any important requests have come through on the Spectre Terminal.

ASHLEY: Wait, there's a special terminal for that? We had those notices sent directly to our e-mail.

JANE: Leave it the Citadel bureaucracy to screw up the simplest forms of communication.

INT: CITADEL: EMBASSY FLOOR: OUTSIDE THE SPECTRE OFFICE

(As they approach the Spectre office, a SALARIAN approaches them.)

SALARIAN: Greetings Comrades! I am your fellow Spectre Jondum Bau. I have a favor to ask of you…

JOHN: Whoa! Who said you were a Spectre?

BAU: The Council. 10 years ago. You didn't think you were the only ones, did you? I need your help finding a notorious criminal. I believe you may have been associated with her.

JOHN: We don't know any criminals. Nope. None at all. (Throws a data drive into a handy fish tank)

JANE: Ignore him. How can we help you?

BAU: I'm tracking the thief Kasumi Goto. She's wanted in connection with many dastardly deeds. She's a legend!

CARTH: It almost sounds like you'd rather shake her hand than arrest her.

BAU: I've been tracking her a long time. They say that sometimes our enemies know us better than our friends.

JANE: Well you're in luck. She's standing right over there. I didn't read the Hunger Games three times without learning how to spot a cloaked force-field.

KASUMI: (Decloaking) Shep! I thought we were friends!

JANE: We still are. I don't think this guy is all that dangerous.

BAU: You haven't seen my cooking yet! This way, Ms Goto.

KASUMI: Wait, I know about a plot to give up the Hanar homeworld!

BAU: Well, why didn't you say so! I'll go kill the Hanar ambassador right now!

JANE: (Calling after them) Send her out to the Macguffin when you finish! She can keep an eye out for saboteurs or something.

ASHLEY: Out of trouble anyway. Why'd you give her up?

JANE: Because the author only has so much time to write up all these cameos of characters from previous games.

JOHN: (Having fished out his data drive out of the tank) Now where am I going to store all my dates' phone numbers?

ASHLEY: Whose numbers now?

JOHN: Um… people. Nice people. Who gave me their numbers. (ASHLEY throws the drive back in the tank)

INT: CITADEL: SPECTRE OFFICE:

JANE: There's a message from Miranda here...Open the third console…

(A hologram of MIRANDA LAWSON appears.)

MIRANDA: Shepard. I thought you'd never find that e-mail. Is it not connected with your main account?

JANE: Apparently mine is the only one that isn't. How can we assist you?

MIRANDA: Well I was going to initiate a little rendezvous for John and I at an apartment, but I see he already has company.

JOHN: (Looking like he wishes he was ANYPLACE else) Er… Hi Miranda. How you doing? This is my… my uh… my ex, Ashley.

ASHLEY: Your ex? I don't recall us ever having that conversation.

JOHN: You want to get back together? Wow, awesome! Oh wait, you didn't mean it like that.

MIRANDA: Don't look at me, I'm not a poacher. Gorgeous ex-terrorist with an apartment in the Presidium area, but not a poacher.

(ASHLEY just glowers at her)

CARTH: If we could get back on topic?

JOHN: Yes! Topic at hand! Very important. Ooh… Is that a new catsuit?

MIRANDA: I had to get more, after someone gave my good ones to a walking, talking, unshackled AI!

JANE: Sorry about that. It was that or a walking talking, unshackled, & naked AI. How can we help you?

MIRANDA: I need access to Alliance files. I can't say why or what I'm going to with them.

CARTH: What?

JANE: I don't know…

JOHN: Deal. I'm authorizing them now. Just go away!

MIRANDA: Careful, John, a girl might get the impression you don't want her around…

(The hologram shuts off)

JANE: Well that was interesting.

ASHLEY: Very interesting.

JOHN: Now what were we doing? Checking e-mail. Ooh. The Volus ambassador was spying for Cerberus too! Let's go solve that problem now!

(They walk down the hall to the Volus Ambassador's office. There is a log of recordings on the main computer)

JOHN: Last one's got to be the most important.

RECORDING: If anyone finds this… I didn't realize what Cerberus was up to. They had been doing nice things in between sending out loads of propaganda about how horrible non-humans were. I've left an audio tracker in case I disappear… Hey! What are you doing? (A scuffle, and then a gruff cockney voice)

VOICE:Goddam heavy. Why are they always so goddam heavy?

JANE: Zaeed?

ASHLEY: Here's the tracker.

JANE: (Putting the device in her ear) Hello?

VOLUS AMBASSADOR: (Other end) I have important information! You'll pay for this!

ZAEED: No, I'm goddam going to get paid for this. Right guys? (Coarse laughter)

JANE: Can you say something to tell me where you're at? Read a nearby sign!

VOLUS AMBASSADOR: You.. are… here…

JANE: Not helpful. Ask Zaeed to come on the line.

VOLUS AMBASSDAOR: Who?

JANE: The old human. I'm sure he's said he'll be the only one to come out of this alive.

VOLUS: Oh. Grumpy man! Could you talk to Shepard for a minute?

ZAEED: One sec. (Shots are heard) Alright. What's up Shepard? I liked that Asari; you better have a good goddam reason for throwing over this job.

JANE: I didn't tell you to goddam kill them!

ZAEED: Ha! See, I'm rubbing off on you. Can't spoil my signature line! Only one left alive! What do you want this goddam Volus for?

JANE: You can't go around kidnapping Ambassadors, Zaeed.

JOHN & ZAEED: (At the same time) Why?

JANE: Because you just can't, that's all. Let him go, but make sure you get whatever information he was talking about.

ZAEED: Goddam right. Now then, little man… (Audio cuts off)

JOHN: Good old Zaeed. How's he doing?

JANE: Same as ever.

JOHN: Oh good, what can we do next? Anything to keep our minds off our exes.

ASHLEY: Our Exes? I've been waiting for 2 years for you!

JOHN: Er… I mean excess… as in a lot... As in our things we don't need. Like to sit here talking when we have a galaxy to save! Who's with me?

ASHLEY: I don't think so. You nearly shot me today and have been avoiding me since Mars. We need to talk.

JOHN: Uh-Oh.

INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC: SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(JANE is briefing LIARA on the results of the trip to the Citadel, as well as the post-mission conference with ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS. JOHN wanders in, looking rather annoyed)

JANE: What's got your goat? Ash ask too many questions?

JOHN: Nothing I couldn't talk my way out of. The ladies find me quite charming, you know (smirking at LIARA). I may have also promised to go to a poetry reading.

JANE: I will never understand you.

JOHN: Nah, Traynor just offered to teach me how to play space chess.

JANE: Another one, joy. How is that aggravating?

JOHN: Because all she did was teach me how to play space chess!

LIARA: (Laughing because she can't hold it in anymore) You goof! She plays for the other team.

JOHN: The Red Sox?

LIARA: She prefers the fairer sex.

JOHN: I'm very fair! Especially with sex.

LIARA: She prefers Venus to Mars.

JOHN: Huh?

JANE: (Having got it the first time) She's a lesbian, you dolt.

JOHN: Ohhhh! Cool! You think I could…

LIARA & JANE: No.

JOHN: Damn. So what were you talking about before I came in?

LIARA: There was a distress call from an Asari colony. They've sent several commando teams to check it out, but they've had no word. They'd like us to deal with it.

JANE: All right. Put the coordinates in. You want to come with John & I? Pick someone else to join us. Carth or Ash could do with some real work again.

LESSUS: ASARI COLONY: EVENING: EMPTY COURTYARD

(LIARA has asked CARTH to join them and they stand for a moment, surveying the view)

CARTH: Is it just me, or did the music get really creepy all of a sudden?

JOHN: Heheh. Time to load up Bianca. (Unsheathes Shotgun) Guys, I've been known to be a bit trigger happy with this old girl, so stay behind me. Guys?

(Everyone is hiding behind various statuary)

JOHN: Fine. I'll go investigate the empty courtyar… (He is interrupted by a long thin finger tapping him on the shoulder)

(JOHN turns to see a truly hideous creature. A reaper-converted Asari, with long arms, bladed fingers, and a swollen distended belly. His mouth drops open and it drop kicks him to the other side of the courtyard)

JANE: John!

(They commence firing, but the creature has charged towards JOHN's position. One fiery shotgun blast later, and it is lying headless on the ground)

JOHN: Not cool. It stole my move! What are the reapers doing here, anyway?

LIARA: Oh no. This place. It's an Ardat Yakshi monastery.

CARTH: Wouldn't that be a convent? I mean the Asari are predominantly female…

LIARA: You racist humans wouldn't understand. And maybe the writers were busy and left their dictionary at home.

JANE: Leaving aside the definition, Ardat Yakshis are here? Great. Now I can fight monsters only to get my consciousness eaten later.

LIARA: This is supposed to be a place of peace. Where they could live together and not go around… doing that.

JOHN: (Hopefully) What if you didn't have a brain… Could they eat you then?

(JANE, LIARA, & CARTH ignore him. They pass through the entrance to find a pile of dead reaper creations. In the corner of the room, a post-asari reaper is attacking a sole survivor. As it prepares the killing blow, it is knocked across the room with biotic force by another Asari. This one is dressed in red and has her jumpsuit unzipped almost to the navel)

LESSUS: ARDAT-YAKSHI 'MONASTERY': EVENING: BODY STREWN HALL

SAMARA: Not my daughter, you bitch!

SURVIVOR: Really, mother? Now?

SAMARA: It's never the wrong time to quote the classics. Rowling may have lived among the humans for her short lifespan, but her wisdom is timeless.

JANE: Samara! What is going on here?

SAMARA: Shepard, allow me to introduce my daughter Falere, who by pure coincidence the only person left alive in this …

FALERE: Rila is alive!

SAMARA: Please don't interrupt me when I'm speaking, dear. It's very rude.

FALERE: But we can save her! We have to go now!

SAMARA: Hush! I'll speak to you in a minute! You've waited 200 years for me to visit and you can wait until I finish my important business.

JANE: Really, it's fine… You have things to talk about…

SAMARA: No. These lessons must be taught. How have you been since I last saw you?

JANE: (Motions to the destruction in the room) Pretty bad. Awful, really.

LIARA: Justicar, if we might take a moment? This threat is more immediate than the loss of manners.

CARTH: Very immediate.

JOHN: (With his eyes where they shouldn't be) Take your time, I'm ok.

FALERE: I am going to save Rila! You can come if you want to. (She runs away)

SAMARA: (Huffing) Children. Honestly. I suppose I'd better follow her. You go completely the opposite way for plot development, and we'll meet in the great hall.

(She runs after RILA, leaving the NORMANDY crew to go through the victim's open safes, gun lockers, and personal effects. One abruptly ended journal entry entitles the post-asari creatures "Banshees" and they decide to use that name from now on. With JOHN in the lead, they find the great hall. In the center there is a wide window bay filled with enough explosives to blow up Sri Lanka and underneath it are SAMARA, FALERE and RILA.)

LESSUS: ARDAT YAKSHI 'MONASTERY': EVENING: GREAT HALL

FALERE: Rila! Wake up!

(RILA obliges and proceeds to attempt to strangle FALERE)

CARTH: Stop her! She's already turned!

JOHN: I don't know. Jane did that to me when I woke her up with an air horn once.

(FALERE knocks RILA away, and she collapses. SAMARA nudges her. RILA turns around, her eyes clear.)

RILA: Run. There are hundreds more of them. Run!

FALERE: Come with us!

RILA: It's too late.

LIARA: Have you never heard of a timer? Give me that detonator.

(Before anyone can react, LIARA has set the detonator out of reach and programmed the bomb to go off as soon as they get out of range.)

LIARA: One doesn't get to be the Shadow Broker without learning a few tricks. Oops. Don't tell anyone, ok?

RILA: (Still a bit confused) We promise.

(They all rush towards the elevator. Liara's detonator goes off as they exit on the top floor, presumably killing all life in the monastery. JOHN & CARTH high five one another, but the sense of success is cut short when SAMARA draws her pistol and aims it at the girls.)

RILA: Mother!

FALERE: No!

SAMARA: The Code states that an Ardat Yakshi cannot live outside the monastery. I see only one way to save my daughters. (She points pistol at her own head.) My daughters. You were all so …

JANE: Whoa now! Hold it. Let's get off the collapsing building, then hash out possible methods of suicide.

RILA: We won't harm anyone!

FALERE: We promise!

JANE: How about this? We send these two over to the Macguffin. They can't be worse than Kasumi. They can… work in the kitchen or something.

SAMARA: But the code…

JANE: Did you swear a vow of loyalty to me or not? I order you not to kill yourself until we save the galaxy!

SAMARA: Marvelous, dear. (To her Daughters) Now, about your interrupting me earlier…

INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC: A LONG SHUTTLE RIDE LATER

(JANE & JOHN are standing by the captain's helm, examining their next move. They are approached by TRAYNOR.)

TRAYNOR: How interested are we in helping Cerberus turncoats?

JOHN: Depends on how hot they are.

JANE: (Rolling her eyes) Are they in danger?

TRAYNOR: I think so. I received an "All is well" signal from a Turian ship. Thing was, it was incorrect. Like that signal that the Illusive man sent the ship before the retrofit.

JANE: You mean he tried to warn us off with the same trick he pulled before? Have Cortez warm up the shuttle!

JOHN: Belay that order. I have a better idea.

INT: NORMANDY 2.0: WAR ROOM: AFTER THE BATTLE

TRAYNOR: Wait, did we just skip the battle?

JOHN: Yeah. It would have been cool to read about, wouldn't it? Too bad the special effects budget is running low.

JANE: Darn Game of Thrones ruined everything.

JOHN: But rest assured I looked totally awesome.

JANE: And the scientists were saved.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: And why are you waking me up at 6 in the morning to tell me this?

JANE: Sorry about that. He was a bit keyed up after smashing atlas mechs, and got down here before I could stop him.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: You're just still sore about Arrival, aren't you?

JANE: No… I'm over it. Even if it was complete and total railroading! I didn't want to blow up a planet! (Calms herself down) Actually I let the call go through because I wanted to see if you had any specific mission for us. We dealt with the Genophage, and the whole coup on the citadel was a bit urgent, so I never asked.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: We've had contact from a secret ally. We need you to meet with them at a neutral location. They'll have demands, which we'll do our best to help them with. We need their help on the Macguffin.

JOHN: Right. So long as I can keep smashing stuff.

JANE: You can't divulge the source's identity?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: No. They were very strict on that point.

JANE: Fine. Traynor, tell Joker the coordinates.

(She ends the call and turns to JOHN)

JANE: This has been a weird day.

JOHN: Yeah, everybody we know has met up with us, one way or another.

JANE: All except for a few. Who's left?

JOHN: Well, Anderson's on a book tour or something on Earth.

JANE: Chambers is on the Citadel.

JOHN: We already met up with Grunt and Jack. Who does that leave?

(At the same moment, they come to a horrible realization)

JOHN & JANE: Tali!