Mock Effect 3

Prologue: I Told You So

INT: HUMAN COMMAND CENTER: MORNING

(The camera pans over a room with many people walking in circles and typing rapidly at what can only be assumed are vital reports. Two voices are heard over the commotion: ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS & ADMIRAL ANDERSON)

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: How bad is it?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: How bad is what?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Something's going on; your people are in an absolute tizzy out there.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Oh, that. Pretty bad. We just lost contact with two of our deep space outposts. And there's something massive on the long range scanners.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Is this what the Shepards warned us about?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: The Mayan calendar thing? They found more of the calendar. Nothing to worry about.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: I meant the Reapers? The giant robots who might be attacking Earth any minute?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Oh! Those Shepards. Yes, I'd stake my life on it.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: How long do we have?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Not long, but we might be able to fit in some pointless exposition before I finish mobilizing the fleets.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: God help us all.

(Text speeds across the screen, fortunately sliding up to the top of the screen instead of disappearing immediately)

In 2007, Bioware released the first installment of "Mass Effect" in what would become the science fiction piece of the century. Shortly thereafter, some people who thought they were funny started adding gag lines and running jokes. This continued through the release of the second installment and the dumb one liners department was foolishly taken up by yet another. Alas, what none of them expected was that the writers would suddenly take themselves seriously and create complex enemies with confusing motives. Two siblings have seen this horror come to life, and now the fate of the galaxy depends on them.

EXT: EARTH: VANCOUVER: MORNING

(The camera refocuses on a small shuttle making its way through future Vancouver, which as we pull back is seen to be a child's toy. A little boy is flying it around in circles making various space noises. We pan back again to focus on a pair of people watching the boy from the window above. They are JANE & JOHN SHEPARD. John looks much the same as he has from the beginning, and is grumbling about his attire. Jane has dyed her hair red and started wearing contact lenses, and is trying to get him to cooperate)

JANE: Now which is it going to be? The red one, the blue one, or the green one?

JOHN: I don't like any of them! I don't want to wear a tie!

JANE: You don't have a choice. You have to pick one. We've not got a vast array of choices, it's a military tribunal.

JOHN: So? It's not our fault the giant space shrimp are going to kill everyone!

JANE: Yes, but we had to make some tough decisions in order to stop them, and we need to prove that to the court.

(They are interrupted by a brawny fellow in a tight t-shirt who makes a point of saluting JANE)

JANE: (Saluting back) It doesn't matter how many times you salute me, James, it's never going to happen. And why are you wearing that ridiculous shirt?

JAMES: It's wash day, Commander, and I've been asked to take you over to the defense committee building.

JOHN: I don't get why you have to take us anywhere.

JANE: The reason he has to take us everywhere is because certain people keep coming up with harebrained escape plans that only end up with us losing more privileges.

JOHN: They aren't harebrained!

JANE: Really? Pray tell me where was the calculation in trying to hang glide off the roof on a sheet?

JOHN: (Sulkily) It would have worked, too, if someone hadn't made me give back the coat hangers.

JANE: Worked like a lead balloon, you mean. What does the defense committee want?

JAMES: Couldn't say. Just told me they needed you now.

JANE: We better not keep them waiting.

(They follow JAMES into a crowded hallway, and are greeted by an old friend, ADMIRAL ANDERSON)

JANE: Anderson! Why are you here? How'd you get off the Citadel?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: That retcon will all be explained later, but right now I'm here to do some lightning fast exposition before gameplay starts. Any questions?

JANE: We know all that, we played the first two games. What's going on now?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Admiral Bishopfromaliens is mobilizing the fleets. I'm guessing word's made it to Alliance Command. Something big is headed our way.

JAMES: The Mayan Calendar thing?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: No, the Reapers!

JOHN: Yeah, yeah, giant space shrimp going to eat us. What else is new?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Tell that to the defense committee.

JANE: They haven't listened so far. I've only been shouting about it since Ilos.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Then I need you to keep doing it. We have to do everything we can to stop the Reapers.

(They turn a corner to see some familiar faces exiting the meeting room, ASHLEY WILLIAMS & CARTH [formerly Kaiden] ALENKO)

JANE: Carth?

JOHN: Ash?

JAMES: Awkward…

CARTH: Um… hi. How have you been?

JANE: Um… fine. Except for this whole war crimes thing and the giant space shrimp coming to eat us.

CARTH: Right… cool. I'm here waiting on orders.

ASH: That and reporting to the committee in there. They were pretty nosy about you two.

JOHN: I don't care what they think. When are we going out again?

JANE: You aren't going out anywhere since the sheet rope incident.

JOHN: Oh come on! It always works in the vids! And I didn't get hurt!

JANE: Thanks to luck and one very startled window cleaner!

ASH: (To ANDERSON, as the pair argue) Everything's normal, then?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Pretty much, yeah. John's got a little biotics now though, and Jane has been practicing a few tricks. Want me to tell them about the promotions?

JANE: (Tunes in) Say what?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: For no discernible reason except that it absolutely proves that time has passed, we've promoted your two friends here up a rank. It won't affect their character at all, but it will briefly impress you.

(Congratulations are given and they walk into the Committee room. It's big and has a raised area for members to sit on. JANE, JOHN, & the ADMIRAL stand below)

JANE: (After a brief period of silence with everyone staring at them) So why are we here?

COMMISIONER 1 (We'll call him Gordon): We need you to tell us what's going on.

JANE: But I don't know. You called me.

COMMISIONER 2 (We'll call her Ivy): It's like this. We designed the room and the setting for this to be your trial that gets interrupted by the reaper attack, but realized that this storyline made no sense, so instead of dropping it completely we just changed the wording around so you can consult us on what to do.

JANE: You? Want me to tell you what to do? With the Reapers? When I've warned you about them for over two years? Honey, if you haven't figured it out now, we're all done for.

COMMISIONER GORDON: That's all you can do?

COMMISIONER IVY: You don't have some other brilliant plan up your sleeve?

JOHN: I can tell you what to do! G—

(What we can only assume would be JOHN's diplomatic solution to the problem is cut short by a staffer who addresses ADMIRAL ANDERSON)

STAFFER: Admiral, we've lost contact with Luna base.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: They can't be there already.

COMMISIONER GORDON: How'd they get past our defenses?

JANE: You mean the ones you've been bickering about since you locked me up? You never built them!

COMMISIONER GORDON: Oh. That's right. Whoops.

STAFFER: Sir, UK headquarters has a visual.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Why haven't we heard from Admiral Bishopfromaliens?

COMMISIONER IVY: What do we do?

JANE: We run around the galaxy and I get shot at looking for a useless piece of crap that will miraculously save the day at the last minute.

JOHN: You still can't make speeches. Ignore her, dipsticks. I'll tell you what we have to do. The only thing we can do. We fight or we die.

(JOHN surprisingly inspirational moment is cut short by a Reaper descending through the sky behind them. It fires a magic exploding laser beam at the building which first blows out the windows, then detonates with a big WHUMP that throws everyone towards the back of the building. ADMIRAL ANDERSON recovers the fastest.)

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Shepard! Where are you? Are you ok? Shepard! Shepard!

JANE: Right here, right here, and still right here. I'm fine. Where's Johnny?

JOHN: (Under bench) Ow. I'm ok down here. I think I'll stay. Ow.

JANE: (As she and ADMIRAL ANDERSON lift the bench and get JOHN moving) Great. So now what do we do?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: We get you to the Normandy, of course! (Into radio) Can anyone hear me? Major Alenko? Lieutenant-Commander Williams? Can you meet us at the Normandy's dock?

JOHN: And how are we going to get there?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: By crawling over the rooftops, of course. Didn't you ever play Assassin's Creed?

JANE: And you know all about Vancouver rooftops, how, exactly?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Never mind that now. Here's a revolver for each of you. Charge!

(Sure enough, the Admiral guides them through several areas until they get to a little terrace balcony. The Admiral drives on ahead, smashing a husk to get the door open. JANE hears a sound and holds back a second, followed by JOHN)

JANE: Hello? (Hears a creak in the air vent) Is somebody in there?

(They look and see the little boy from earlier, who seems panic stricken.)

JOHN: A kid? How'd you get in there?

JANE: Come on out. We'll protect you.

KID: Everyone's dying.

JANE: It'll be ok. What's your name, kid?

KID: Bucky.

JANE: Well, Bucky, we're big strong soldiers and we can keep you safe. Come out.

BUCKY: Momma said never to go with strangers. You can't help me.

JOHN: Your momma's a OW! (JANE kicks him) What was that for?

JANE: Not. The. Time. We have to get a move on, Bucky. Come on!

(JANE turns back to the vent, but BUCKY has crawled away. ADMIRAL ANDERSON calls from the next room.)

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Can you get back here? I need to finish the exposition and gameplay tutorial!

JOHN: On our way!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: (As they come into the room he starts making his way through rubble) This is a goddamned mess. Every minute these machines are here, thousands of innocent people die. I won't be responsible.

JANE: Not directly no. But maybe if you'd been at the Citadel doing the job I put you in, we'd be better prepared…

JOHN: Yeah, man, why are you here?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: I thought we'd have more time.

JANE: We don't. I don't see how getting to the Normandy will help much. It took a third of the fleet to demolish Sovereign.

JOHN: We have better guns now, though!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: No. I want you to go ask for help at the Citadel.

JANE: Seriously? Just walk up to the Council and say, hey, about that race of giant machines we warned you about? Well, they hit us, and we're all dying, so could you send us some help please?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: That's what I was thinking, yes.

JOHN: But I want to kill things here!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: You'll be killing things everywhere soon enough. You were both Council Spectres. That has to count for something.

(They make their way over some ledges and are almost to the dock when the shockwave from the detonating core of a dreadnought blasts them into some debris, which consequently falls over leaving them in range of some nasty red things. Said things shoot at them. They shoot back. The red things die. The blast forces Anderson's radio to stop working)

JANE: I have a bad feeling about this. What were those?

JOHN: (Smiling) Targets.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: They look like husks, but red, and bigger… and they shoot back.

JANE: I miss Batarians already.

(Around the corner, they find a radio that still works. ADMIRAL ANDERSON hails the Normandy on it)

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Now we just have to hold out until they get here.

JOHN: So I shoot the red zombie things?

JANE: (Continues) And husks. Never thought I'd miss husks, either. These bozos can shoot back!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Oh, by the way, we're low on ammo. Aim for the whites of their … mouth?

(The red aggressive zombies spawn above them and wander around just out of pistol range. When they finally attack, it's in a large enough group that they are having serious trouble knocking them back. One is nearly too them when it is vaporized by a giant blue laser. The NORMANDY 2.0 appears above them, freshly decorated in Alliance colors, and hovers over a nicely slanting piece of rubble. The Reapers, sensing it is plot protected, leave it alone. All three of them run to it. JOHN & JANE jump in. ANDERSON pauses on the ledge)

JOHN: Come on!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: I'm not going. I'm needed as a leader here.

JANE: We're in this together, Anderson! We need you!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: We can't win this fight without help. We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers. Talk to the council. Convince them to help us. Run around the galaxy doing errands for Citadel personnel. Buy some nice armor. Then come back and save Earth.

JANE: You're an idiot. They've never listened before!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Then make them listen. I'll just stay here in this nice comfortable war zone.

JOHN: Coward.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Survivor. Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to. Now go! That's an order!

JANE: (Smirking) I'm under court martial, remember? You can't order me to do anything.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Oh yeah?

(He pulls some shiny metal objects out of his pockets, and tosses them to the Shepards, meaning for them to catch them. Instead, they both duck and there is a moment of awkward silence while they look around on the floor for them. They finally get up and see what they are)

JOHN: Dog tags! Back in action!

JANE: Wait, you've got mine.

JOHN: Oh drat. (Swaps) Sweet.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: You're reinstated! Why I had these at your trial demonstrates my faith in you, not some weird habit of holding on to dog tags! Good luck!

JANE: I think you may need it more.

JOHN: (Reminding) Don't forget we have to see the Council.

JANE: Nevermind. I'm going to need all the luck I can get.

(As they pull away from ADMIRAL ANDERSON's position, JOHN sees something)

JOHN: Hey, sis, it's that kid from the vents.

(JANE looks, and sure enough, little BUCKY has managed to get out of his building and board a shuttle. Heartened for a moment, her happiness turns to horror when a Reaper blasts the shuttle out of the sky as it tries to escape. They both stand staring.)

JANE: That poor kid. Never had a chance.

JOHN: I thought I wanted to kill these things before, but now they've pissed me off. Let's go kick some Reaper ass.

JANE: Not yet. We don't have the strength. But we will. I promise you that.

(Neither of them is happy about this and so it is with colossal bad timing that JAMES strides up complaining)

JAMES: Where's Anderson? Are we leaving?

JANE: Anderson stayed behind to manage the resistance. We're running away to beg the Council for help they wouldn't know how to give even if I wrote out a list of directions.

JAMES: Forget it! Drop me off someplace, I'm not leaving!

JANE: You want off, do you? Go take a running jump, because this ship is not landing again. Unless you'd rather fight for the privilege.

JAMES: I just might do that.

JOHN: (Grinning) Go ahead. I need something to smash.

(The building tension is interrupted by JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU's voice over the intercom.)

JOKER: Commander, there's an urgent message for you from Admiral Bishopfromaliens.

JANE: How'd he find out we were on board so fast?

JOHN: Probably has cameras set up.

JANE: Would not surprise me. (Opens link) Admiral, what is so important that you message me as I'm barely escaping with my life from the destruction of everything I hold dear. It had better be good.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: (Distorted signal) … lost contact with … investigate library… Mars.

JANE: The entire system is being blown up, and you want me to find someone's overdue books?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: (Garbled) Liara T'Soni … Superweapon … will defeat Reapers.

JOHN: Say what now? Blue boobs is there? (Notices ASHLEY glaring) We can't leave her to die!

JANE: Reaper-defeating superweapon? We're in! (Ends transmission) Joker, get us to Mars!

JOKER: (Voice) Which planet is Mars again?

EDI: (Voice) The large red one on our right, Jeff.

JOKER: I knew that! I was just checking to see if you did.

EDI: We do not have time to stop and ask for directions.

(The NORMANDY pulls off into space and we see a familiar logo, the curve of an atmosphere slicing through the words: MOCK EFFECT 3)