Many thanks to everyone who took the time to read, review and alert following the last chapter. It really and truly is appreciated.
I can only offer apologies for the slow updates - I will endeavour to get quicker - but as I'm sure you can all appreciate my family has to come before my writing.

My eternal thanks go to imahistorian for all of her help, support and encouragement - amazing as always! :)

And finally to the 'guest' reviewer who left me the most fantastic feedback for Natural Equilibrium on Feb 22nd - Wow, and thank you!

Watching in silence as Hetty made her way along the corridor towards him, Deeks could feel himself struggling against the maelstrom of emotions that were twisting around inside him. Part of him wanted to demand answers of the Operations Manager for the omissions she had so obviously made earlier in the day, but another part wanted nothing more than to remain silent on the matter forever.

Hetty knew about his relationship with Kensi, had known since almost the beginning, and through silent, but mutual, agreement they had happily engaged in a 'don't ask, don't tell' understanding. But now, five months on, Deeks couldn't help but feel as if some acknowledgement of their relationship could have made a difference to how the previous few hours had played out.

Nothing seemed clear in his head, no emotion felt whole, and in truth he had no idea of how he felt about all that happened. He liked to think, maybe even hope, that Hetty had good reasons for not permitting him the truth of Kensi's condition when she had summoned him to the hospital. She had obviously felt his presence necessary, and likely not just because he and Kensi were friends and partners. Their relationship must have figured into the decision somewhere, especially considering what information had been delivered to them. He just couldn't fathom what Hetty's reasons might be.

"Good evening, Mr Deeks. How is Miss Blye doing?"

Deeks swallowed hard, his gaze settling only fleetingly upon Hetty before searching the surrounding area for a point to focus on. In the end his feet seemed to handle the job required with ease.

"She's sleeping," he answered softly, his arms remaining crossed over his body as he spoke. "But she's doing okay."

Hetty nodded as she watched the detective carefully, his body language easily conveying the message of barely contained emotion. His arms, wound tightly about him, seeming to be the only thing holding it all in. A storm was clearly brewing and she could see touches of grey in his eyes that only seemed to add intensity to his gaze. Before she could comment, though, Deeks suddenly excused himself, asking her to sit with Kensi for a short time while he made a couple of phone calls.

"Of course." Hetty responded earnestly.

"Thanks, I don't want her to wake up on her own right now," he told her quietly, then without further explanation turned and made his way along the corridor.

As he walked through the hospital, down two flights of stairs and along another corridor, his journey carried little accompaniment other than the regular thump of his shoes against the polished floor. The surrounding sounds of a hospital at work failed to penetrating through his determination and need to find a source of non-sterilised air.

Pushing out through the large glass doors at the hospital entrance, Deeks took just a few more paces and stopped. Drawing in a long, deep lungful of the late afternoon air he let it out slowly before immediately grasping for another one. Wrapping his arms around his body once more he forced the developing lump in his throat back down to his stomach where it settled uncomfortably. Noticing a wooden bench just a short distance to his left, he wondered towards it and sat down. Leaning forward and resting his elbows firmly upon his thighs, he dropped his head down into his waiting hands, and for a moment the cascade of tumbling thoughts, which had been occupying his mind for so much of the day, ceased.

The single thought which now pushed all others aside was that of Kensi's quiet plea for him not to leave. He knew the greater meaning behind those words, and as he replayed them over in his head he couldn't help but wonder at the fear that must have been stirred in her to actually say them. The men in Kensi's life seemed to have been the ones to influence it the most and to shape it in the most severe of ways. Both her father and Jack had left, each in their own way, and perhaps now she felt that he was likely to follow in his.

Five months ago Kensi had been forced to face, through a chance encounter at a crime scene and Deeks' hospitalisation, the possibility of losing not just her partner, but the man she loved too. And five months ago she had made the choice not to allow her fear of him dying stop her from having the relationship she wanted. Deeks knew that. He'd been a part of the decision. He had faith in it.

But leaving through choice, essentially walking away like Jack had done, was a different ball game altogether. And in this instance Deeks knew this was the type of leaving she was referring to. The trouble was he couldn't quite fathom how he, or their current situation, had managed to stoke that fear in her.

Confusion reigned in the detective's heart and mind over Kensi, over Hetty, over everything. Rubbing at his head with both hands, he ran them down over his face and with another deep breath sat up and back against the thick, solid wood of the bench. He needed time. Time to digest all that had happened. Time to find his way through all the confusion. And most importantly time with Kensi.

Pulling his phone from his pocket once more, he scrolled through the list of names until he found the one he wanted and dialled. It only rung a few times before being answered.

"Knowles."

Three months earlier...

"What do you got, guys?" Callen asked, the words out of his mouth even before the sliding doors to the ops centre could complete the task of opening.

Behind him, as he strode purposefully into the dimly lit room, his team followed with equal intent, one after the other.

"We have got a dead Petty Officer." Eric answered, quickly turning his chair and standing as the agents and detective all settled into position around the room.

"New case?" The team leader enquired, an eyebrow raised quizzically as his gaze swept the room in anticipation of Hetty's appearance.

"We don't think so." Nell responded carefully, drawing the teams' attention as she and Eric exchanged glances. However, before anyone could question her assertion, Eric moved on with the briefing.

"Petty Officer First Class Marco Taveras, stationed out of the Naval Amphibious Base Coronado," he began, his fingers working on his tablet as he spoke, quickly allowing a uniformed picture of the man to appear on the main screen."His service record is exemplary. He served in both Iraq and Afghanistan where he took part in a number of highly classified operations."

"A SEAL." Sam murmured to himself, though Callen heard both the words and the feeling behind them. He didn't need to look over to his partner to know that an edge of steel had seeped into Sam's expression at hearing that a case now included the death of one of his SEAL brethren.

"His body was found by hunters just off Interstate 8 in Cleveland National Forest."

"COD?" Callen requested.

"Single gunshot wound to the head." Eric replied smoothly.

"Is it me or is this starting to sound eerily familiar?" Deeks asked from his position behind the centre console.

"It's not you." Callen murmured thoughtfully."Looks like we've got a third body on our stolen weapons case."

"Do we know when he was killed?" Kensi enquired, a small frown creasing her forehead.

"The ME has estimated that he was likely killed a couple of weeks ago." Nell responded, taking her turn in the round of questions and answers.

"Fits in along the same time line as when Lopez and Aguila were killed." Callen noted, almost to himself. "Why only an estimate?"

"Because of the level of decomposition." The young analyst returned.

"How bad a level are we talking about here?" Deeks asked, idly gesturing with one hand.

Fingers tapping at her own tablet, Nell produced a series of crime scene photos for them all to view. The sight of Taveras' body, or more specifically what was left of it, was not a pleasant one.

"Wow," he breathed with a slight grimace. "That would be the kind of level where the body bag better not have any holes in it."

"Yeah, not so much the natural elements at work here as the park's wildlife." Nell added. She'd spent enough time over the previous few hours going through all the pertinent case information for the immediate effects of the pictures to be less shocking. "The remains were actually discovered four days ago, but it took time to get an identification made," she explained.

"Okay, lets start from the top." Callen gently ordered, trying to summarise and recap what they already knew."We've got two dead Marines."

"Sergeant Daniel Lopez stationed out of Pendleton." Kensi began, diving in first. "On paper the model marine. But he was suspected of being involved in the theft of large quantities of weapons and explosives from the base, some of which have been linked to the killings of several cartel gang members south of the border."

"Routine search of his car, apartment and rented garage didn't come up with any evidence to back those claims." Deeks added, planting both hands down on the console surface in front of him. "His brother runs a fishing charter out of San Diego, but that didn't lead us anywhere either."

"E-mail, credit card and banking records were all clean." Eric continued, bringing the information up on screen. "No unusual communications, no unusual financial transactions either in or out of his accounts, and no evidence to show he'd even left the country in the past five months. The only curiosity was that we never found a cell phone."

"The body was found just off Interstate 8 on the edge of Anza-Borrego State Park."Nell finalised. "Cause of death was a single gunshot wound to the head, but no ballistics evidence was recovered."

"Then we've got Corporal Carlos Aguila, based out of the Marine Corps Air Station at Yuma." Sam began, his voice purposeful and low. "He and Lopez were friends. They grew up in the same neighbourhoods both before and after their families moved here from Mexico, and they both still have family ties in those neighbourhoods."

"His service record, though less remarkable than his friend's, was clean and clear of incident, and by all accounts, he was a good marine." Kensi inserted. "Yuma have reported a small quantity of missing weapons, but MP's are dealing with it and Aguila is not suspected of being involved."

"Like Sergeant Lopez, his e-mail and banking records showed nothing to link him to the sale of stolen weapons." Eric told them, playing his part in the process once more. "But unlike Lopez he did have a cell phone. Most of the numbers we retrieved we could account for, but there were two that led to pre-paid cells, neither of which we can trace."

"Corporal Aguila's body was found by a park ranger just off Interstate 8 approximately five miles west of where Sergeant Lopez was discovered." Nell rounded up. "Cause of death was a single gunshot wound to the head, which according to the ME's report was inflicted at the same time as Lopez's."

"And now we have a Navy SEAL to make it a trio." Callen mused without humour before turning to face his team. "Looks like we're all heading to San Diego. Sam and I will handle Taveras' CO. Kensi, Deeks, you guys can pay a visit to -"

"Shamu?" Deeks asked hopefully.

"Start with Traveras' apartment first and then we'll see if you've been a good enough detective after that." Callen finished with a wry smile. "Eric, Nell, start digging. See if you can tie all three of our victims together with a nice neat bow for us. And if you happen to stumble over something resembling a motive that would be good too."

And with that, three agents and a detective turned back towards the door and strode out of ops.

Kensi awoke and opened both eyes with unexpected alertness. It had been a noise that had stirred her so suddenly, but as the seconds passed she struggled to recognise and recall what the sound even was. It had been part of her dream, that much she realised. But even so she felt as if she should know it, like she had heard it before and it had played an important part of her life. Closing her eyes she tried to turn back the pages of her dream, so full of colour and texture just a moment ago that she could practically feel the remnants on her skin. But now it was as if each page had been carefully erased, the imagined reality only fleeting in her memory leaving her with nothing more than a sense of something amiss. Something she didn't want to forget.

Opening her eyes more slowly and purposefully this time, Kensi took in her surroundings and with a flood of memories, so in contrast with her lost dream just a couple of minutes earlier, she remembered. She remembered where she was and what had happened to bring her there, and then, with the force of a thirty foot wave crashing down on top of her, she remembered why.

Kensi took in a long, slow breath. Although her emotions felt more limited in range, they certainly weren't lacking in strength or power. Each was now clearly recognisable as one by one they broke clean through the confusion that had previously dominated.

Relief was the first thing she felt. It was the most honest thing she felt, but she knew it wasn't quite right. There was relief for being okay, at being safe, but also the uncontrolled surge of relief at nature having taken care of a decision she would have been far from ready to face herself.

As she considered the choices she could have been faced with, Kensi felt a build of anxiety tighten her chest, but relief soon followed once more at knowing it was no longer a choice she had to make. It felt like a cruel type of cowardice to allow those thoughts to even register in her mind and as she tried to move them out and away it arrived. Unbidden and without warning, as if to hammer home the point, guilt settled in her gut and began to drown out any remnants of relief with immediate and forceful effect.

Questions began to tumble through her head once more and Kensi frowned, searching for the answers she needed to make them silent and complete. However, the questions were winning out along with the guilt and she could feel tears sting at the corners of her eyes. How was it possible to feel relief in the face of such loss? What did that make her? And what did it all mean for her and Deeks? Would she also lose him along with his... their... Kensi let out a deep breath and swiped at the tears that threatened to fall. Even in her head she wasn't able to form the word. It didn't feel real, none of it felt real. Apart from the guilt. That felt more real than anything.

Turning her head at the gentle sound of someone adjusting themselves in the chair beside her, Kensi was met by a pair of bright blue eyes watching her with open kindness and just a small measure of curiosity. They weren't the blue eyes she was hoping for, but the lack of pressure and warmth about her right hand had lessened that expectation anyway. Awareness of her partner's absence had come quickly after waking, but as her mind had meandered along other avenues of thought she had been side tracked from worrying about where he might be. But now knowing his whereabouts felt like her only focus.

"Where's Deeks?"

Hetty smiled reassuringly. "He had a couple of phone calls he wanted to make," she explained. "So he asked that I sit with you until he returned, which I doubt will be much longer."

Kensi nodded, though mostly to herself, and took a deep, steadying breath. He was coming back. Hetty said so.

Watching the older lady carefully, she didn't wait for her to speak again, or to pose the obvious questions that she clearly had the answers to already.

"You know." Kensi stated, her voice carrying no inflection to indicate a question, her gaze dropping to her hands in attempt to stop further tears from forming. Hetty's countenance carried all the gentle understanding and patience that Kensi knew would have her weeping, and it was the last thing she wanted right then. She needed to be strong and tough and hold it all together. And she desperately wanted to get her head around everything that had happened before the growing ache in her heart had the chance to take over.

"I know." Hetty admitted with a small nod of sadness. "How are you?"

Taking pause before responding, Kensi momentarily contemplated the meaning of Hetty's question and the expectation she might have of its answer. Did she actually believe that Kensi might offer some remnant of truth here? Not that she any idea of what that truth might be herself.

"I'm fine," she replied softly, not having to search very hard for the lie she always kept close at hand. "Not in any pain," she added for the sake of balancing things out in the honesty column.

Hetty merely nodded again, whilst appearing to carefully consider her next choice of words. Whether it was sentiments or questions that her boss seemed to struggle over, Kensi couldn't be sure, but Hetty soon spoke.

"You gave us all quite a fright," she began, her chin lowered to her chest while her piercing blue eyes gazed out over the top of her glasses. "The rest of your team have been anxious to hear how you are doing."

Looking up quickly, Kensi's eyes widened as she thought about the rest of the team knowing what truths lay behind her stay in hospital.

"What did you tell them?" she asked, an edge of wariness in her voice at the prospect of this particular piece of information being shared so openly. She didn't want it for her, she didn't want it for Deeks. She didn't want it for them.

At work they were partners, at home they were... what? In Kensi's mind only one word seemed to fit. Everything. At home they were everything. Everything else, everything but, everything and so much more. The line they often found themselves walking between the two was both grey and blurred, but it was there and it was important to them. They'd talked, debated, even argued, at times about the rest of the team finding out about their relationship, but as time had passed it all seemed so thoroughly unimportant. They knew where the line was and what it signified. Everything else, including who else knew, paled in relevance. However, when the rest of the team did find out about them, Kensi knew she didn't want it to be because of circumstances such as these. She didn't want it to be because something had happened to force their hand. She didn't want it to be because of this.

"I told them that you suffered an appendicitis." Hetty responded evenly, watching the reaction of this information form on her young agent's face. "Given the personal nature of the situation I didn't think you would be in favour of uncensored truths, unless they were on your terms. And I've been assured the symptoms are similar enough."

Kensi's eyes closed and her chin dropped down almost to her chest as she released a breath of utter relief.

"Thank you," she murmured before lifting her eyes to meet Hetty's once more.

At that moment the sound of a door being carefully opened created a shift in Kensi's attention as she turned quickly to see who was entering the room.

Cautiously poking his head around the half open door, a gentle smile forming over his face at seeing his partner awake once more, Deeks stepped fully into the room before moving over to Kensi's side and reaching for her hand. It wasn't hard to see the mix of emotions that were pulling steadily at her head and her heart. It was as clear in her eyes, as he was certain it was in his.

Briefly looking over to Hetty with a tight smile, Deeks quickly focused back on Kensi.

"How you feeling?" he asked, his voice barely registering above a whisper as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"Pain's eased," she told him, but was unsure of saying anything more. It wasn't just the fact that Hetty was sat there with them, but also that she had no clue where to even start. Lies would be so easy to tell at this point, their fabrication and fantasy far more preferable to the reality they were currently trying to adjust to.

"Good," he breathed, leaning over and placing a light kiss high on her cheek.

Part of him had wanted to hear her say she was 'fine' despite knowing the usual terms of that particular word use as well as he did. Perhaps because it was one of the first times in a long time that he would actually be willing to accept the answer and embrace it. Perhaps because he so desperately wanted it to be the truth.

Standing from the high-backed hospital chair she had been occupying, Hetty cleared her throat softly drawing the faces of her agent and liaison over towards her.

"I am going to head off and leave you to get some more rest, Miss Blye," she told them with a small smile, giving Kensi's free hand a brief squeeze. "If there is anything I can do just let me know."

Deeks remained silent as he nodded woodenly in response. He could feel a surge of words threatening to escape, a protest of sorts against Hetty's final offer and sentiment, but knew it was not the time. He wanted to pass comment, to point out that anything for him had been the truth, and the chance for that had passed. But he choked it back down uncomfortably, pushing his own selfish interpretation of events aside knowing they had to come second to Kensi, and right then the last thing she needed was the additional weight of his anger over Hetty's earlier omissions.

"Thanks, Hetty." Kensi said as the Operations Manager passed over the threshold of the room allowing the door to close behind her with a gentle thud.

Dropping her head fully back against the small mound of pillows behind her, Kensi's eyes scanned the tiled ceiling, not really knowing what she was hoping to see. Feeling Deeks' finger tips brushing over her wrist in a light pattern she shifted her gaze over to his and saw her own swirling storm of emotions mirrored back in his blue eyes.

"I don't know what to say here, Kens," he told her quietly, his gaze lowering away from hers as if it were a shameful admission to make. "I really wish I did know, cause it feels like I should, but..." Pause. "I'm struggling to just get my head around the fact they you were pregnant and we didn't even know," he finished, scratching his head before shaking it.

"Yeah," she agreed softly. "Have to say I'm struggling with that one too."

Quickly looking up from the fading knee of his jeans, his expression heavy with regret at the possible meaning of his words. "God, Kens, I didn't mean to make it sound like- "

"You didn't," she assured him, squeezing his fingers firmly and cutting off the apology that was flowing unnecessarily from his lips.

Searching her face as if to memorise it, Deeks' eyes settled completely and fully on hers. He could feel his frown deepen and a thick lump form in his throat as he lost himself in her chocolate brown eyes. The sheer volume of thoughts and emotions they could convey sometimes appeared to border infinity, and although Kensi came incredibly close to turning it all off at times, today wasn't one of them.

"I almost lost you today," he whispered.

Reaching out and brushing his unruly blond locks back and away from his eyes, Kensi rested her hand on his cheek, her gaze never shifting away from his.

"But you didn't."

Giving a brief nod, Deeks covered her hand with his, moving it down and along his jaw before pressing kisses to her fingers and palm. She was here, she was okay, and rarely had he felt so grateful for anything.

"How did this even happen?" he asked, his previous frown becoming more quizzical as the recent wave of emotion slowly receded once more.

"What, your Mom never have that chat with you?" Kensi responded in mock innocence and watched as a very welcome smile grew over her partner's handsome features.

"Actually she did, but that's not quite what I meant," he replied, his smile lessening, but not leaving. "We're pretty careful, Kens. I thought we'd covered our bases. And no," he added quickly, seeing the look on her face alter. "That was not intended as a metaphor."

Allowing a breath of laughter to escape her, Kensi looked back down at their joined hands.

"Nothing in life has a hundred percent guarantee, Deeks," she answered almost sadly. "Condoms included."

Deeks nodded, knowing in truth he wasn't naïve enough to believe there wasn't ever a chance of this happening. He just hadn't ever imagined it happening like this.

"Well I can tell you one thing that has a hundred percent guarantee attached to it."

"Really?" she asked looking back up to the smile he was offering. "And what's that?"

Leaning in close until their heads touched, his nose rubbing lightly over hers, Deeks pressed a lingering kiss to her waiting lips, pouring a river of emotion into the simple motion.

"I love you," he whispered. "One hundred percent guaranteed."

Kensi could feel tears sting at her eyes, knowing she couldn't argue against him. Not even a little. Not on this. "And I love you back."

"We're gonna get through this."

"I really hope you're right."

TBC...