It's all wrong, it's all wrong

It's all wrong, it's so right

So come on, get higher.

Come On Get Higher, Matt Nathanson

The cranberry juice.

It sat suspiciously in a jug on the kitchen table, with ice cubes floating in its sea of red, and in the artificial lighting of the chandelier it seemed to stare at L in a way that no innocent inanimate object should.

Sachiko entered the room with the announcement that dinner was ready, and to sit down at the table and wait for their food to be served. Sayu handed both L and Light their cups, and Light nodded in thanks. So far, their dinner together was going well.

Killing time waiting for the food, L reached for the cranberry juice, as it would no doubt would be filled with sugar. He paused, however, when he caught Sayu staring at him, trying unsuccessfully with her hands to conceal a giggle.

Suspicious.

At this, L's hand changed course and he reached instead for the water jug, receiving a look of dissatisfaction from Light's sister. He poured the water into his glass, not taking his eyes off the girl for even a second.

"Light-kun," L whispered, leaning closer to the teen beside him, "I believe that Sayu may have done something to the cranberry juice."

Light looked across the table to his little sister, only to find her smiling down at her food as she ate.

Light leaned back over to whisper in L's ear. "What makes you think that, Ryuzaki?"

"She was laughing under her breath when she observed me reaching for it."

"Ryuzaki," Light hissed, crossly, but quiet enough still to not draw any of the family's attention onto their conversation. "This is my sister you're talking about. For what reason do you feel it necessary to immediately leap to the conclusion that someone in my family is bound to be plotting something dastardly behind our backs? It's bad enough that you incorrectly think that I'm Kira, and I will not have you going around suspecting other members of my family of anything without solid evidence. I wouldn't be surprised if next you start trying to convince me that my mother poisoned the mashed potatoes."

L, who had appeared to be terribly bored with Light's rant almost before it had even begun, did nothing but stare at him blankly. Ignoring Light's words completely, L raised a point. "But, Light-kun does agree with me."

Light frowned and gave L an irritated, disapproving stare. "...Well, yes, I agree with you. But—"

"Eat up, you two," Sachiko said, cheerfully, interrupting their conversation as she bustled about the table, setting down both of their plates.

Once she was safely out of earshot, L, for no reason other than to bother Light, murmured, "Your mother instructed us to 'eat up', a phrase which makes it sound suspiciously as though she wishes to fatten us up and eat us for supper."

Light quickly glanced around the room, seeing that everyone in the family was now seated at the table. He wasn't eager to make a big scene, so he masked a violent jab to L's ribs to appear much as though he was merely playfully elbowing him, like one would do with a good friend.

Soichiro, who had seen them together for long enough to know when they were being uncivil with each other, was not fooled. He gave them both a stern look from across the table, discouraging L from making an immediate comeback. L blinked at him innocently, but Light knew that this argument, far from being over, was sure to reemerge in another time and place, somewhere where they had more freedom to battle it out.

By the end of dinner, the pitcher of cranberry juice was the only thing that remained untouched. Light's parents shared between them a bottle of blood-red wine, while L and Light chose to take the safe side and went with the water. Luckily, dinner was an otherwise uneventful affair, though at least the food was adequate.

Light and L were heading down the hall on their way down to Light's room when L suddenly collapsed, his face hitting the floor. Light turned.

"Ryuzaki?" he said, alarmed. He immediately knelt down next to him, attempting to shake him awake. L didn't stir. It must have been all of those late nights that were finally catching up to the man. Light figured he must have been exhausted. Impulsively, he ran his fingers through L's hair, as though it would awaken him. "Ryuzaki, you can't stay on the floor here like this. If you would get up, I'll let you sleep on my bed for a while."

Light was all too willing to offer up his bed to L. After all, the more time L spent sleeping, the less time Light had to spend dealing with him.

L, however, did not move. Furthermore, Light's vision was beginning to swim, and the floor felt as though it was falling out from under him. Darkness crept from the edges of his sight, all-consuming and ominous. He felt himself losing his balance, though he hardly even noticed it when his head collided with L's chest.

An hour had passed since dinner. Soichiro and Sachiko were in the television room, still helping themselves to the wine. They were more than a bit tipsy.

Sayu came down the stairs and approached them. "Ryuuga told me to tell you both that he had to leave a bit early because he had something important he needed to do. He told me to thank you for the dinner. Oh, and Light has gone to bed early because of a big exam tomorrow."

"Oh, Ryuuga has already left?" Soichiro said, frowning. "That's too bad. I would have wanted him to at least have said goodbye first...but, I guess he always has been lacking in the social department." He looked back up at Sayu. "Thanks for telling us."

Sayu smiled and headed back up the stairs. The video camera was set up and hidden in the closet, ready to record everything. There should be no one left to disturb her, now.

Before Light even opened his eyes, he noticed that he was lying on a carpeted floor, feeling oddly naked. He was drowsy, and his thoughts were floating about slowly, in circles. His entire body was tingly, and his lower stomach felt flooded with warmth. His head was heavy and he felt like drifting back asleep. However, some small part of his mind urged him to open his eyes.

It was then that he realized that the reason he felt naked was because he was naked.

And, as it so happened, so was Ryuzaki, who was lying next to him.

Light, unless he had suffered some terrible lapse in his memory, was certain that they hadn't fallen asleep like that.

Light let his eyes wander around the cramped area, trying to figure out where they were. They couldn't have been kidnapped, could they? Though, regrettably, it was quite possible. L was, after all, L, and was thus targeted by what was probably hundreds of criminal organizations. Within seconds, though, Light concluded that this was not the case.

As it just so happened, they were in his closet.

He attempted to roll over, but was forced to stop when doing so created a pain in his groin. As horrid realization dawned on him, he glanced down at himself and saw that he did indeed sport an erection.

Great.

A once over of an equally naked L revealed that, despite being asleep, he was just as horny as Light was.

Well, he hadn't been expecting that.

Deciding in this situation that two heads were better than one, Light set about waking L. He gave him a good shove with his hand.

"Ryuzaki, get up."

"Mmmmh?" the man mumbled, drowsily, as his eyes fluttered open.

Now awake, L blinked, clearly trying to make sense of the fact that Light was naked. It didn't take long for him to notice that he was in the same position. Light watched as understanding clicked on his features.

"Light-kun," he said, quickly, his eyes widened, "we underestimated your sister, it wasn't the cranberry juice, it was—"

"—the water," Light finished, exhaling.

"Correct."

L's expression was woeful, as though perturbed that he had made such a wrong assumption. Far from being about to let L sit back and sulk about it, Light sat up and tried the door handle.

Locked. As he suspected it would be. Sayu wouldn't have gone into so much trouble to get them naked in a closet together without making sure they stayed in there.

"We're in my closet," Light announced, "and we're locked in."

"I suspected as much," said L. "After all, according to the note, we have to engage in sexual activities before we will be let out."

"Note?" Light looked up, and, sure enough, there was a note taped to the door on a piece of pink and white paper, the message written in a purple glitter pen. Light tore it down and examined it.

In what was unmistakably Sayu's loopy handwriting, the note read, "Hey big bro, you may be smart, but only some man-on-man action is going to get you out of this one!"

"...She can't be serious."

For a minute, Light considered screaming for help, but then remembered that his bedroom walls were all but soundproof, as his parents had never once heard him all those times he had been screaming his lungs out. Light ran his fingers through his hair.

"Whoever first introduced yaoi to young girls needs to die."

L looked at him. "Is that a threat, Kira?"

Light shot him a glare, not even dignifying that with an answer.

"I believe Sayu may have given us a drug that is sexually stimulating," L went on. "I am rarely so horny."

Light blanched at L's social ineptness. Had he no shame at all?

Light coughed, pointedly. "She can keep us locked in here as long as she wants, but I am absolutely not going to have sex with you."

"I am glad that we are in agreement, Light-kun," L said, leaning back against one of the shelves. "It won't be too long before someone realizes that we are missing, and we will be found in no time."

"Agreed."

The hours crawled away in silence. L and Light were growing impatient, and their erections still were not going away. Whatever Sayu had drugged them with must have been very strong. It was then, after giving a tired sigh, that L finally spoke up.

"Light-kun, seeing as how we are both very excited already, and how it is the only way out of here, I suggest that we perhaps get this 'man-on-man action'" —he air-quoted at this— "over with."

"You're...you're not actually suggesting..." Light started, but his voice fell away. It was as though he couldn't even comprehend what L was proposing they do.

"Light-kun, I have a great deal of work to do. The longer we stay in here, the more I have to make up. I could be missing important phone calls and have no way of knowing. This being said, it is imperative for me to be let out of this closet as soon as possible."

Light thought about this. The detective had a painfully valid point. And, delaying the man even further had the potential to raise his Kira percentage.

"Well...that's true...but..."

But what? It wasn't like he could say "but the thought of being intimate with you sends shivers down my spine", or "but this would be like letting Sayu win", or "but I hate you and you creep me out".

Saying that would be childish, and L has already profiled Kira as having a childish personality.

Light gave a quiet groan. "Yeah, that's right. You're right. I guess we could—I guess we could do something."

Even though Light had just agreed to what L himself wanted, L stared at him as though he had no idea what to do next. The socially-stunted idiot was probably a total virgin who hadn't the least bit of sexual experience other than what he has probably read in books. Light grimaced at the idea of this becoming any more awkward that it already was. Either way, he'd probably have to make the first move.

Light decided that it would be best if they didn't go over the top with this. Simply jacking each other off would not be too bad, not as dirty as other things they could have chosen to do.

Wishing that it hadn't had to come to this at all, Light carefully placed his hand on L's stomach and slid it slowly down until he reached his navel. Light's hand was rather cold, and L's body quaked where he sat. Though he hid it well, Light could see the nervousness reflecting in L's unwavering eyes.

"Light-kun is just going to use his hands, correct? We will just use our hands." L's voice was somewhat apprehensive, almost as though he were a young child in need of reassurance. If this situation was uncomfortable for Light, who had plenty of sexual experience already, it must be doubly so for L, whom Light guessed had probably not even kissed or been kissed before by anyone.

The part of Light that was Kira was delighted that he had his enemy in such a vulnerable position. Of course, he needed to keep up appearances.

"Yes," Light replied, "just hands. We won't do this with anything but our hands. Don't worry."

"Alright."

Hesitantly, L reached his hand to grasp Light's own erection, and Light took it as the cue to begin.

Light began to pump, slowly at first, so as to not to make L even more uncomfortable.

(Though, he so desperately wanted to make him uncomfortable, because it wasn't as though he got this chance very often.)

At the same time, L rubbed Light's erection with his inexperienced fingers, his rhythm unsteady and irregular. Light was determined not to let what was being done to his own body distract him from what he was doing to L's. He had no intention of losing himself.

L was shuddering, clenching his muscles tightly as he began to pant a little bit. Allowing himself to be momentarily consumed by his pleasure, he stilled his hand for just a second or two. When Light felt L pause, he smirked, and L narrowed his eyes as he realized Light's game.

Oh, so that's how you're going to play...

Refusing to simply let himself lose, L resumed pleasuring Light with renewed fervour. He would not let himself stop, regardless of how his body reacted to Light's thrusts. Stopping was not an option.

Light, with closed eyes and a mouth that struggled not to release any sounds, panted softly, though did not let up on his ministrations.

As he applied more and more pressure onto L's cock, he could feel the detective's hands beginning to falter. L, wracked with shivers and half-concealed moans, could barely even focus on moving his hands up and down Light's shaft.

Light, determined to force L to lose his already-wavering concentration, leaned in closer and breathed on his neck, causing L to gasp and spasm and almost let go of Light's dick completely. However, he remained holding on, and thrust it wildly and without aim.

Light, unprepared for this, released a loud moan that he immediately wished he could take back and silence. Sweat was beginning to trickle down his face, irritating his eyes and tickling his sensitive skin. In an attempt to dominate L and win this, Light took it a step further and, in addition to his thrusting, began to massage the head of L's penis in a circular motion.

With a surprised hiss of pleasure, L threw back his head, and, with it, his feeble attempts at winning Light's game. L's hand left Light entirely, now clutching desperately at the carpet, panting and moaning with abandon. He was rapidly approaching the edge, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, his body quivering. Suddenly, he could delay it no longer and gasped, cum bursting out of his cock and splattering onto Light's chest.

"Sorry," L muttered, trying to catch his breath. Rather than comment, Light gave him an expectant look, reminding L that he still wasn't done. L looked down at Light's neglected erection and, without a word, took it in his hand.

As he restarted the process of giving Light a handjob, it didn't take long for Light to start swaying, breathing heavily in pleasure. Having been at such such a heightened state already, it didn't take long for Light to come, his body shuddering.

Now both finished, they leaned back heavily against the shelves of Light's closet.

"That went well," Light mumbled, closing his eyes with a sigh.

"It indeed could have been worse," L agreed, taking position next to Light, also resting both his head and eyes.

"We now just have to wait for Sayu to let us out," Light concluded.

Silently, they looked at each other, and then back at whatever was in front of them. It didn't take long for them to grow sleepy, and eventually they both fell asleep, bodies supporting each other.

Light woke to the sound of footsteps. It must have been morning, because natural lighting from outside of the closet mingled with the artificial lighting within. Nudging L's body off of himself, Light inched his way to the door handle and tried it.

Locked. Dammit.

It must be Sayu outside the door, Light figured. She was lingering in front of the door as though trying to waste as much time as possible before letting them out. Well, Light wasn't going to be having any of that.

"Alright, Sayu!" he yelled, loudly. "Ryuuga and I performed sexual activity with each other. It's time to let us out!"

There was a pause, but then the door creaked open. Instead of Sayu, however, there stood Light's father, looking quite horrified.

This is, I think, the first L-birthday fic that I've ever written where I wasn't so high off my ass that I couldn't even comprehend my own thoughts ("The Art of Dying Alone", for example, with which I am astounded that I was even in a right enough mind to use proper grammar). On the contrary, I am even somewhat happy with the way this turned out, and hope that you found it enjoyable, also. My coauthor Stormygio helped with the planning of this (honestly, when does she not?), and my best friend Chris helped with one small section of it. Thanks, you guys!

Anyway, I'd love you if you left me a review! Thank you for reading!

(I admit that the ending is a bit rushed.)

~Ratt Kazamata, 10/30/2012