GAIGE: Helloooo, subscribers! Turns out we had something today after all! Today, we went to Wam Bam Island, a little tropical resorty thingy off to the northeast of Sanctuary!
AXTON: I thought someone said something about it being south.
GAIGE: No, definitely north. I checked the map this time.
AXTON: This planet's climate makes no sense.
GAIGE: Blame the Vault. The first one.
SALVADOR: Does that actually make sense?
GAIGE: Eridium is magic.
MAYA: Eridium is not magic.
GAIGE: Whatever! Point is, Hammerlock called us to the resort island for resort island stuff. Vacation. That's the word.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Salutations once again! Welcome to Wam Bam Island, Pandora's number one vacation resort.
GAIGE: Is there a number two?
ZERO: No.
Sir HAMMERLOCK: After Lilith and the others arrive, our Fertility Day festival can begin! Come find me, will you?
MAYA: Wait, it's Fertility Day?
GAIGE: Yeah, you didn't know?
MAYA: I was...in the library.
GAIGE: Sanctuary has a library?
AXTON: Wait, how did you miss Fertility Day? Why else would we be doing this?
SALVADOR: Well, Hammerlock did invite us to the Aegrus hunt for no reason.
AXTON: Point.
MAYA: Look, I just lost track of time—
LILITH: Heya, killers. Go ahead and get the Fertility Fest started without us. Brick's still packing and Mordecai's trying to shove his bird back into its cage.
GAIGE: That sounds dirty.
MAYA: Gaige.
GAIGE: What? It does!
TALON: [stubborn squawk]
MORDECAI: Talon—Talon! If ya get in the cage, I'll feed you a skag head, eh?
AXTON: Pretty sure the skag head is bigger than the bird.
SALVADOR: Well, it depends on the breed. Your average wild skag's gonna be pretty big, since they eat the little ones, but domesticated ones are more of a mixed bag. Now, if he's buying the heads rather than hunting them himself—
BRICK: Where's my tuxedo t-shirt? It's a t-shirt, but it looks like a tuxedo? I wear it for slow dancing.
LILITH: Vault Hunters, I'll...get back to you.
[click]
GAIGE: So other than that minor delay, it seemed like everything was going hunky-dory. Wam Bam is a beautiful island, with lots of mountains and beaches and volcanoes and all that. Absolutely beautiful.
AXTON: The hordes of savage tribals out for our blood really helped enhance the atmosphere.
GAIGE: Not everyone enjoys killing hundreds of people!
AXTON: This from you? The girl who cackles as she kills people?
GAIGE: Th-that's totally different! I had like, four hundred Anarchy stacks!
AXTON: Uh-huh.
GAIGE: [sighs] Anyway, yes, there were of course dangerous savages on the island. I don't know if they were invaders, or restless natives, or if the resort staff just decided it would be fun to put on masks and start with the murderizing.
SALVADOR: Some were pirates!
GAIGE: True, some were pirates, and they were probably actual, you know, invaders. I think. They had boats and ships, at least. They were mostly fighting craboids on the beaches. What kind of invading army can't handle the indigenous wildlife?
AXTON: Maybe they were cosplayers?
GAIGE: You think?
AXTON: Why else would they have wooden sailing ships?
GAIGE: Well, whatever. It actually took us a while to notice the pirates, because Zero had run off and was sniping them from a distance before we even got to them. He does that sometimes. But yeah, beautiful resort island infested with pirates and crab-things and savage-things. Fun times!
GAIGE: We found Hammerlock at the top of a little village built into the mountainside, next to the waterwheel. This was before the savages showed up, come to think. Odd. Anyway, he wasn't really concerned with all the guys trying to kill us.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Well met! I've distilled some homemade liqueur. We shall party until the break of dawn, as they say.
GAIGE: Woo!
AXTON: Don't do that.
GAIGE: Shut up.
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Let me get the door for you.
MAYA: We'll catch up. We're waiting for Zero.
[sound of footsteps]
[sound of large door opening]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: I initially came to the Hedonic Isles to find some rare beasties using Varkid tracking. Say, did you know that this island is said to house a former enemy of Brick, Mordecai, and Lilith's? It's enough to—
[sound of burrowing]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Oh dear.
MAYA: Crap.
GAIGE: No, crabs.
LILITH: Uh, guys? Something just took Hammerlock.
MAYA: I know! [gunfire] That's what I was trying to stop! What was that thing?
SALVADOR: I think she was talking to the others.
BRICK: So...I can stop packing, then?
LILITH: Mordecai? Any ideas?
MORDECAI: Uh, maybe—look around. Did Hammerlock leave anything behind? Anything with his scent on it?
ZERO: Here.
GAIGE: GAH! ...what's that?
ZERO: Whiskey.
GAIGE: Where'd you find it?
ZERO: The tribal-themed lockers conveniently provided for guests.
GAIGE: I think I like you better when you speak only in haiku. At least then I know I'm not supposed to understand you.
ZERO: Can we start moving? / I grow tired of this spot / I long to explore.
GAIGE: Well, okay. [louder] Buncha Hammerlock's booze is here.
MORDECAI: Perfect. Alright, you gotta get that booze to a Varkid egg. First, find an injector.
GAIGE: Ooh, a hundred bucks says this turns out to be a horrible crime against nature!
AXTON: No bet.
SALVADOR: [distantly] Lo encontré!
MORDECAI: Good. Now inject Hammerlock's booze into a Varkid pod, and it'll track the scent for you.
BRICK: Usin' a Varkid to track smells? You sure that'll work?
GAIGE: Science!
MORDECAI: No question. Blood did it, and I'm teachin' Talon now. In a couple weeks, he'll be able to track you and Lil anywhere.
LILITH: ...wait, you're teaching Talon to track us?
MORDECAI: Yeah. Borrow some of your old shirts you don't use anymore, tear 'em up, give 'em to Talon so he can track the scent. Like Brick's weird tuxedo t-shirt thing.
BRICK: THAT WAS MY DRESSY CLOTHES!
[click]
GAIGE: So, we found a pod a bit past where Hammerlock was grabbed—there were other closer pods, but no, those wouldn't work because reasons—injected it, and watched a very drunk Varkid hatch.
AXTON: That was the funniest part of the whole damn trip. Watching a Varkid stumble around like a drunken idiot. And then explode. Uh, that last part usually doesn't happen to drunken idiots.
GAIGE: Spoilers!
AXTON: What? It's not a spoiler to say that drunken idiots normally don't explode.
MAYA: [sighs] How drunk are you right now?
AXTON: Maybe...a three.
GAIGE: Anyway, we were right in the middle of Varkid country, following a drunk bug stumbling around like—
AXTON: Like a drunken idiot!
GAIGE: Like Axton.
AXTON: Hey!
GAIGE: We had to fight off all the others—because of course we did—and there were a few close calls like when we thought the stupid thing was gonna jump off a waterfall, but overall there were no problems. But then—
[click]
LILITH: Aw, I haven't seen Talon since his feathers grew in! Oh my god, he is so cute!
MORDECAI: He's not cute, he's a badass! But yeah. Be gentle.
TALON: [threatening warble]
MORDECAI: Heh, I think he likes you.
LILITH: Aww. Are you sure? Because heeee is biting pretty hard ow owowowowow ooh he's drawing blood.
MORDECAI: Aw crap, I'll get him off—
LILITH: Noo, he's too cute ow ow ha HA! I love him.
BRICK: Damn, girl. You weird as hell.
AXTON: Preach it.
MAYA: Axton! Gaige needs support!
AXTON: Whoops.
[click]
GAIGE: Uh, okay. Axton, what was that for?
AXTON: You were skipping stuff! Like my super awesome rescue scene.
GAIGE: That wasn't really super important and...are you drunker than you were ten seconds ago? We don't even have any alcohol in the house!
AXTON: Hey. It's a headquarters.
GAIGE: Maya! Axton—
MAYA: I'm right here.
GAIGE: Oh! Sorry! Do you know what's up with Axton?
MAYA: Zero's been slipping him booze. I have no idea why.
AXTON: [slurred] I'm seventy-eight percent sure that it's actually paint thinner. Er.
GAIGE: Okay. Well. We got a call from Hammerlock as we were following the bloodhound Varkid thing.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: It appears that I'm being dragged through a series of tunnels by some monstrously large beast. A rescue would be appreciated, but certainly isn't mandatory—circle of life, all that.
GAIGE: Ohmygod, he's gone suicidal. DON'T WORRY HAMMERLOCK, WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU!
MAYA: He can't hear you, sweetie.
GAIGE: DON'T WORRY—
MAYA: Calm down.
[click]
GAIGE: We fought through more Varkids, and came out into the sun—we were in this sort of not-cave system, with lots of open walls but stone ceilings—and then the Varkid exploded.
AXTON: Boom! Hee. [sound of body hitting the floor]
GAIGE: Yeah, I'm just gonna leave him there. Anyway, Mordecai called again when the bug exploded.
[click]
MORDECAI: I think you injected him with too much Hammerlock juice—probably why he went crazy. Might wanna go a little easier on the dosage next time.
GAIGE: So...we have to do it again?
AXTON: Do you see Hammerlock?
GAIGE: Shush.
[click]
GAIGE: So we had to go find more Varkids...despite the fact that we had just murdered the entire colony. Luckily, we found a couple, injected the pod, and out popped a drunken bloodhound.
[click]
GAIGE: Let's hurry it up, Varkid dude. My man's waiting on me.
MAYA: Wait, your what?
GAIGE: ...did I say that out loud?
[click]
GAIGE: Axton—wait, he's still unconscious. Where'd that come from?
SALVADOR: Hee hee.
GAIGE: [sighs] Well, thanks for that. So, yeah, we followed the drunk Varkid. The drunk flying Varkid, actually. That might be illegal. But whatever. There were more pirates, and big-ass bones, and so on and so forth, and he led us down to the beach. The beach we had started at, I mean. I hate it when that happens. It's like, why'd I even bother? I missed where it went, but the others didn't.
GAIGE: It crawled into this maintenance tunnel thing for this underwater tunnel thing...you know, one of those force-field tunnels so you can observe the wildlife in their natural environment or whatever without interference?
MAYA: Brick called it a transit tunnel.
GAIGE: Right, just forgot the name. Well, it was powered down, so we had to go back up to the village—again—to turn on the waterwheel to get it up and running again. And...is that when the savages showed up? I can't remember?
MAYA: No, I think it was a little later—
[click]
LILITH: Hey guys, where's Morcedai's rakk ale? I can't find—
MORDECAI: I threw 'em out.
BRICK: Heh heh, what? You quit drinkin'? [laughs]
MORDECAI: Yeah. Can't raise Talon while I'm half in the bag, y'know?
LILITH: Aww, that is so cute! You put the needs of little Talon before your—OW! He's biting me again. Ow ow OW!
MORDECAI: Talon! Bad!
[click]
GAIGE: Sal, what was the point of that?
SALVADOR: I didn't do it.
GAIGE: You didn't?
KRIEG: IN THESE SITUATIONS, WE MUST EMULATE THE PRIME MINISTER!
GAIGE: [sighs] I'm just...I'm just gonna...
GAIGE: Anyway! We got to the waterwheel—without any savages, I'm sure of it now—and it turned out Crazy Earl was in charge of the gate, for some reason. No idea how that happened. But yeah, he wanted us to kill a bunch of pirates because they insulted his mustache and stuff.
[click]
CRAZY EARL: Them pirates started talkin' smack after I tried to cuddle with one. But whatever—Crazy Earl's all about cuddling!
AXTON: Crazy Earl also all about talking annoyingly in third person?
[click]
GAIGE: So we had to go back to the beach, again, because no one can make up their fracking mind on where we're supposed to be.
MAYA: Language.
GAIGE: Sorry! So, that was basically the end of that story. Went down to the beach and killed a bunch of pirates, then Crazy Earl called and said it was enough. Waste of time and ammo.
AXTON: You're just mad because you didn't get to blow up the boat.
GAIGE: Well, duh, how many opportunities do you have to—how are you sober?
AXTON: Zero's hangover cure. We were testing it out. Why did you think I was drinking so much?
GAIGE: I dunno, I just thought you were trying to drink through Mordecai's stores.
AXTON: He threw it all out.
GAIGE: I thought that might be a euphemism for "gave it to Axton."
AXTON: It wasn't.
GAIGE: You sure?
AXTON: [annoyed] Yes.
GAIGE: Okay. [whispering] He totally got all of Mordecai's ale.
AXTON: I can hear you.
GAIGE: We turned on the waterwheel! Lots of levers! Very complex and difficult work, I assure you. The waterwheel moved into a surprisingly small stream, and the transit tunnel powered up so we could walk across the ocean floor to the other island to our drunk Varkid friend. I was afraid he'd be sober by the time we got there, but—
[click]
LILITH: I just realized! You ever watch those, like, animated ECHO series about dudes with swords? They always eventually do an episode where they just go to the beach and hang out. This is like our beach party episode! Isn't that—isn't that cool?
MORDECAI: No. No it is not.
MAYA: Pretty sure there's supposed to be less shooting in those episodes, too.
GAIGE: Eh. Depends on the series.
[click]
GAIGE: Axton, what was the point of—
AXTON: Hey, don't look at me.
GAIGE: Sal—
SALVADOR: No fui yo.
GAIGE: Um, Krieg?
KRIEG: I HAD NO INTENTION OF COMMITTING ANY CRIMES! ...TODAY!
GAIGE: Then who...
MAYA: ...sorry. It felt relevant.
AXTON: Ha!
GAIGE: But—you—
MAYA: Let's just move on, okay?
GAIGE: Okay, that—okay. Ahem. So we got into the transit tunnel, took the elevator underwater and walked through the force-field tunnels under the water. It was really pretty, in a "hope somebody doesn't turn off the waterwheel and kill us all when the shields drop" sort of way. Oh! And we have a relevant clip this time.
[click]
BRICK: Oooh! Pretty! [coughs awkwardly] I mean. You know.
[click]
GAIGE: Oops, not that one...
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Quick update: I'm being tied up by the psycho villagers of the isles. You won't believe it, but I'm to be sacrificed to the SON OF CRAWMERAX!
GAIGE: Son of a whatawhat?
BRICK: Oh, right, you never met Crawmerax. He was a big-ass crabworm we fought after ganking General Knoxx.
LILITH: Man, we killed him so many times. Ahh, the memories.
[click]
GAIGE: Yeah, I don't know either. But anyway, Hammerlock was in trouble, relatively speaking anyway, and we had to walk through the pretty little deathtrap to find that stupid Varkid. Why couldn't Hammerlock just tell us where he was from the start?
SALVADOR: He was underground at the start. As someone who's been kidnapped by wild skags once or twice, trust me, it's hard to get your bearings until they stop dragging you around.
GAIGE: Ugh, fine. Walked across the ocean bottom, fought more crab things including a bunch of giant ones. Oh, and pirates got down there somehow. Elevator on the other side, I guess. Hammerlock called back, too.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: If you wouldn't mind hurrying, Vault Hunters, I believe these savages are attempting to summon the Son of Crawmerax as I speak.
SAVAGE: Hey man! Don't call me a savage!
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Oh, you speak English? I thought—
SAVAGE: I graduated from Eden-4 Megaversity with honors! Check you privilege, dick!
AXTON: Isn't that where you're from?
GAIGE: Eden-5.
AXTON: Ah.
[click]
GAIGE: So we got up the elevator and to a new village thing. The Varkid opened the door for us which was nice, but...weird. Oh, and then he tried to kill us.
[click]
MORDECAI: Looks like your dosage mighta still been too high. I dunno. Honestly just making up this part as I go.
[click]
GAIGE: So we had to find another Varkid nest—because that's Mordecai's solution to everything today, it seems—and passed through the tribal village. Which had the savages and everything everywhere. They pulled up the bridge, so we had to go the long way around. Dicks.
MAYA: Gaige.
GAIGE: What? How are they not dicks?
AXTON: She's got a point.
MAYA: Both of you just...
GAIGE: Sorry! Anyway, we fought through the village, which wasn't too hard except for the stupid witch doctors. It was just annoying and took a while. And we found a nice-sized Varkid pod at the worst possible moment. I was wrestling this tribal with a gun...ugh, I don't want to talk about it. They have horrific breath. But yeah. Pod, injected, hatched, followed Varkid. A badass Varkid, too. Hammerlock called back, though. He has pretty good timing, actually.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Bizarrely, the Son of Crawmerax hasn't harmed me. Mayhaps it merely wants vengeance on the Vault Hunters who killed its father.
LILITH: Well, the resort owners just quarantined the island, so he'll have to settle for dying at the hands of a totally new group of Vault Hunters.
[sound of high five]
MAYA: Are you two dancing?
GAIGE: Yes.
AXTON: I prefer to think of it more as a victory strut.
SALVADOR: But we haven't won yet.
GAIGE: You be quiet.
[click]
GAIGE: The Varkid was hard to follow, cuz he was drunk and kinda heading in random directions, but he went the right way eventually. I mean, just standing next to the guy I was getting a little tipsy, but it worked out okay. Yeah, sure, the second it led us out of the village it turned on us and we had to kill it, but other than that it was cool.
KRIEG: A BLADE IN THE BACK IS A WISER INVESTMENT THAN A COIN IN A MAN'S HAND!
GAIGE: True enough. Honestly, we didn't really need a bloodhound this time anyway. There was only one exit from the village, and it was kinda obvious where to go from there. Oh well. Hindsight is thirty forty or whatever. But then—
[click]
LILITH: Hey, guys, remember that ledge in Crawmerax's lair?
MORDECAI: Aw man, the ledge. [laughs]
LILITH: Yeah, we could shoot him from there and he couldn't hit us? Ah, so good. So good.
BRICK: Ahhh...pearlescents.
[click]
GAIGE: How was that at all relevant?
SALVADOR: It was funny!
GAIGE: Your face is funny.
MAYA: Gaige...
GAIGE: Anyway! We walked down the path, to this giant arena thing, with an altar in the front. You know, like how raid bosses always have altars you need to put Eridium in to fight them? Well, this one already had Eridium in it, for some reason, so the gate just opened. Another on the list of "weird but nice" for today. Yeah.
GAIGE: We found Hammerlock, strung up above a giant pit surrounded by waterfalls like...something. I don't know what.
MAYA: A sacrifice to appease an angry god.
GAIGE: Yeah, I guess. Uh, you kinda have an angry look on your—
MAYA: [curtly] I'm fine.
GAIGE: Okay, yeah, sure!
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Hi ho! Seems I'm to be sacrificed to this beast. Could you look down below for some sort of crank, mayhaps? Something to lower me to the ground?
GAIGE: Sure.
AXTON: I'm not seeing anything mechanical here. Do you really think we can lower you—
GAIGE: C'mon, you big baby! No one lives forever!
[click]
GAIGE: So we jumped like a million miles down—
AXTON: Two hundred feet.
GAIGE: Whatever, all personal shields have an inertiic generator by default, so, you know, no fall damage. And then we found the crank wheel—
AXTON: Despite my objections.
GAIGE: Yeah yeah, someone didn't want to spring the super-obvious trap in order to summon the boss. Baby. But before we even had a chance to turn the crank, this MASSIVE—I mean like, two hundred feet long or longer—crabworm jumped out of the ocean and into the arena.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Oh, how gorgeous! Look upon the majesty of the SON OF CRAWMERAX!
[roaring, followed by the sound of burrowing]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Ah, perhaps you should deal with this beastie before you tend to me!
AXTON: [sighs] Frackin' knew it.
MAYA: Krieg! Keep it distracted! Zero, find a weakspot!
KRIEG: Somebody delivered a FEAST!
ZERO: Greetings, badass.
MAYA: Sal, keep those rocket launchers ready! Gaige, Axton, flank it!
AXTON: TURRET OUT!
GAIGE: Blood and metal, my favorite things!
[click]
GAIGE: That stupid giant crab took ten minutes to kill, even with six guys and a bunch of rocket launchers. And it kept spawning little mini-giant crabworms...ugh. I mean, it was fun enough, and stuff, I guess...okay, fine it was awesome! The beautiful arena, the giant kaiju, the roar of gunfire...umf. Just thinking about it again, I think I need a cigarette.
MAYA: No.
GAIGE: Spoilsport. Anyway, I don't remember exactly who landed the killing blow—things were just a teensy bit uber-chaotic at that point—but we did it! It was a team effort and all that.
KRIEG: IF THIS IS TO END IN FIRE, THEN WE SHALL ALL BURN TOGETHER!
GAIGE: Aw, that's sweet.
AXTON: But you—screw it.
GAIGE: Screw what?
AXTON: Screw nothing. Play your stupid clip.
GAIGE: Fine, whatever.
[click]
LILITH: Nice!
BRICK: That's my slab!
MORDECAI: That was awesome! Wasn't that awesome, Talon?
TALON: [affirmative screech]
MORDECAI: Yeah, thassa good boy.
Sir HAMMERLOCK: It appears the sins of the crablike father were quite viciously visited upon his crablike son. Please save me when you're ready.
[click]
GAIGE: So we went to cut Hammerlock down.
AXTON: Not right away, though.
GAIGE: No, not quite right away. We had to grab all the loot first!
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Still, ah—still restrained. Up here. Actually beginning to hurt a bit! And not in the fun way...
[click]
GAIGE: Well, eventually we did get him down. Turned out that the wheel-thing did lower him, despite somebody being a Paranoid Pete. It kinda...swung the whole thing he was tied to down like a giant arm and left him in the middle of the arena. Kinda weird, actually.
MAYA: It was for the sacrifice.
GAIGE: Oh! Well then that makes sense!
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Lovely! Thanks for that bit of life-savesmanship. Though I must admit, being restrained in that particular way was not entirely outside the scope of things I find enjoyable.
GAIGE: HOT.
Sir HAMMERLOCK: What was that?
MAYA: Nothing. She's...glitching. She's a cyborg, and she's glitching.
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Oh. Well, yes, happens to the best of us.
AXTON: Can we turn in the quest and go home now? We're surrounded by...remains.
KRIEG: MEAT!
Sir HAMMERLOCK: [coughs] There's nothing quite like witnessing a majestic miracle of nature be blown into tiny bits by ones such as yourselves.
AXTON: That's great.
[click]
GAIGE: So other than a distinct and disappointing lack of Hammerlock changing teams when confronted with a beautiful young cyborg, that went pretty well. We were heading back to the Fast Travel station when suddenly—
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Hi ho! For your next quest, I require—
SPARKY FLYNT: SHADDAP! This is Sparky Flynt, son of CAPTAIN FLYNT, and I have summoned SIX people you Vault Hunters have wronged. Together, we will HAVE OUR REVENGE! Now, please find the first assassin somewhere on the island so we may have our revenge.
GAIGE: Captain Flynt was from the whole thing with Scarlet, right?
MAYA: No, he was...um...that guy Hyperion killed when we were rescuing Roland? The one with the gross metaphors?
AXTON: That was Incinerator Clayton.
MAYA: No, that was one of Lilith's cultists.
LILITH: Don't call them that, it makes it sound like I'm in charge of them.
SALVADOR: Do we really have to go find them? Assassins are supposed to come to us.
AXTON: Yeah, this sounds like a really annoying variant of a fetch quest.
[click]
GAIGE: Could've been worse. At least he gave us coordinates instead of just sending us running around the whole island.
AXTON: Would've been smarter to do it that way, though. Tire us out.
GAIGE: True. Anyway, Hammerlock led us through these cave systems and out of the Son of Crawmerax's lair, and then we were back where we started and heading towards the savage village where the first assassin would be waiting for us.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: Mister Axton...do you remember Sergeant Jarter? Because he remembers you. How you deserted your post and went AWOL. He's ready to face all you Vault Hunters—don't keep him waiting!
GAIGE: I thought you ran away because they were gonna kill you?
AXTON: Yeah, they call that desertion.
GAIGE: So, what, now they want to kill you twice?
AXTON: Probably.
[click]
GAIGE: After fighting through the tribal village—again—we managed to find Jarter. Kinda.
[click]
SALVADOR: Heh. He blew up.
GAIGE: Guhhh...at ease, soldier.
AXTON: Oh, good, I hated that guy. Kinda weird that he just randomly exploded, though. Don't remember that happening in basic.
KRIEG: CONFETTI MAN CAME FOR THE PARTY!
SPARKY FLYNT: What the hell? He's been blown up by a remote bomb!
ZERO: Remote charges have / A very long broadcast range / His death came from space.
MAYA: And that's why you never take orders. If I'm gonna get blown up, I wanna get blown up for my own reasons.
AXTON: You give us orders all the time.
MAYA: That's different.
SPARKY FLYNT: Look, whatever, I've got five more people here looking forward to killing you jackasses. My support group—Victims of Vault Hunters—booked a conference here the same weekend you did.
Sir HAMMERLOCK: ...I did see something like that on the guest list. Apologies! Consider it...exercise?
AXTON: C'mon, man. Pay attention!
SPARKY FLYNT: —and we're all just ACHING to get back at you jerkwads. Just do me a favor and find the next guy who's gonna kill you, because he's not responding to my messages.
Sir HAMMERLOCK: The natives are muttering something about a warrior from the sky near their village—you should investigate.
[click]
GAIGE: So that was just on the other side of the village. I seriously thought we were actually gonna have to fight him this time, was looking forward to it and everything, but I'm getting ahead of myself. This guy was actually after me, as it turned out, because of that...minor incident on Eden-5.
AXTON: Lady, you blew up your classmate.
GAIGE: On accident! God, you sound just like the principal!
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: Gaige, do you remember Marcie Holloway? Because her uncle Grill certainly does. He's here to avenge his niece in the most violent way possible. So, you know. Be ready for that.
GAIGE: Oh god I can't—
MAYA: Gaige, calm down. Just breathe—
[click]
GAIGE: Ahem. We can skip all that boring...minor panic attack. Very minor. It was more like an...anxious attack. Yeah. Anyway, one second here, need to fast forward...okay, there was this tiki shrine thing, and we needed to sacrifice a witch doctor mask to get past it. So we went back, murderized a bunch—
KRIEG: YET MORE MEANINGLESS ENDEAVORS!
GAIGE: —got the mask, whole shebang. Then went back and got past the tiki thingy.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: What the—did he fall from the sky? Did his transit shuttle malfunction or...what the hell?
SALVADOR: So, wait... you're saying this guy could fly?
ZERO: Like the old story / Of he with the waxen wings / Except bloodier
MAYA: The impact pattern's not that big. Fall must not have been high enough for him to lose consciousness before hitting the ground. Ugh.
GAIGE: Ha! SUCK IT, Holloway family! Even if your hitman hadn't fallen outta the sky for some weirdass reason, I woulda taken him out anyway. I killed Handsome friggin' JACK! You think one little assassin can take me down? BOOYAH. Also, sorry I killed your daughter.
MAYA: Gaige...
GAIGE: What? I said sorry.
KRIEG: CAN I PARK MY BICYCLE HERE?!
SPARKY FLYNT: Man, who the hell is killing all my would-be assassins? Whatever, I got more. Go meet the next one!
Sir HAMMERLOCK: I'm hearing ECHOnet reports that someone's feeling ill at the local watering hole.
[click]
GAIGE: Soo...we weren't really expecting the next assassin to be alive either. Though I was still holding out hope.
AXTON: That reminds me, you owe me a hundred bucks.
GAIGE: Shut up, technically you didn't win, you said he would be exploded.
AXTON: And you said he'd be alive, so I win.
GAIGE: That's not how it works!
MAYA: Why don't you discuss this later?
GAIGE: Fiiine...where was I? Oh yeah, Maya's assassin. Oops! Heh, spoilers, sorry. Uh...okay. So we had to go all the way back to the first island, through the crab infested transit tunnel of death, through a bunch of pirates who respawned or got reinforced or whatever, and all the way up to that stupid waterwheel.
SALVADOR: And the tribals!
GAIGE: What? Oh! Yeah, that's why I was so confused earlier! Yeah, the savage village was empty earlier, but now they were everywhere, and we had to kill them all because they were shooting at us and stuff. Harder than I would have liked; one of the witch doctors upgraded one to ultimate badass.
GAIGE: But we won, because we're awesome, and we got to the waterwheel.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: Maya, you'll like this next dude.
MAYA: Really doubt it.
SPARKY FLYNT: He's a Siren tracker named Mordo Sophis. Father of Brother Steven Sophis, that dude you ganked back on Athenas. And boy oh boy, is he just itching for vengeance!
AXTON: Remind me why you killed this guy?
MAYA: He raised me to be a vengeful goddess slash weapon against the people.
AXTON: Right, that was it.
[click]
GAIGE: And now came the hard part.
AXTON: That entire thing was just embarrassing.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Unfortunately, the regular path is closed for repairs. You'll have to find an alternate route. Perhaps the machinery around the waterwheel could give you a boost?
[click]
GAIGE: Said alternate route was a ladder. Which took us like, an hour to find. It was hanging ten feet off the ground, and it was really inconspicuous and we had to jump on the pistons...I don't want to talk about it. Point is, we climbed up there, found the bar, and Mordo sitting outside it.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: He got poisoned!? What!? Somebody is going around killing all the people I wanted to kill you, and that makes me VERY upset!
ZERO: He wanted a break / Now he can rest forever / But who poisoned him?
SALVADOR: Cerveza de la muerte!
AXTON: Hunh - death by poison. Don't see much of that these days. Old school, I like it.
GAIGE: Poisoned beer, bummer. Is it, uh, weird that I just got thirsty all of a sudden? Probably weird. Seems weird.
KRIEG: GIMME THAT POISON! I'LL DRINK IT DOWN AND BECOME THE BEAUTIFUL CENTER OF A HATE ESCALATOR!
MAYA: Consider yourself lucky. That poison must have worked quickly. I wouldn't have.
AXTON: Wow, that's cold, coming from you.
MAYA: You never knew his son.
SPARKY FLYNT: Whatever, I got three more VOVH members—Victims of Vault Hunters—still itching to kill you. Find the next one!
[click]
GAIGE: So we headed towards the retirement cottages, cutting through savages and pirates both. They might have been working together, I dunno, we were blowing them up too much to tell if they were fighting each other at all. Who cares. We got to the cottages.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: The next guy you're looking for is named Blendo, and he wants to kill Salvador in order to avenge, uh... [muttering to himself] uh...everyone. You killed his entire bandit clan, Sally. All hundred and fifty of them.
SALVADOR: That was a fun weekend.
AXTON: Up top.
[sound of high five]
[click]
GAIGE: Yeah, he was dead too.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: Hanged? What!? Who did—who would—SOOO ANGRY.
ZERO: He hangs in the air / The breeze stirring his body / Animate, yet not.
SALVADOR: Aw, man. The last of the Chung clan and he got killed before I even showed up? Worst day ever.
GAIGE: Well, on the upside, at least he was saved the trouble of having to smell Sal in person. No offense.
SALVADOR: Hey!
GAIGE: What? I said sorry. Wonder how this happened, though.
MAYA: Someone once said, he who sets out on revenge should first dig two graves. That's a stupid-ass quote, revenge is awesome.
SALVADOR: You're dark today. I like it!
KRIEG: PINATA TIME!
AXTON: Should somebody cut him down, or ... no? Alright.
SPARKY FLYNT: Whatever. Two assassins left, but they're probably dead as hell. Next guy! Who's probably freaking dead already, is a Hyperion scientist named Clements. He wants Krieg because you killed some dudes when you escaped or something I don't even care at this point!
[click]
KRIEG: 'VENGEANCE IS MINE,' SAITH THE LORD, BUT TONIGHT, HE IS GOING TO DAMN WELL HAVE TO SHARE!
GAIGE: I don't think anyone was arguing that you weren't justified. I mean, other than the assassin and sparky sparky boom man.
MAYA: You mean Sparky Flynt?
GAIGE: Yeah, whatever, I forgot his name. Anyway, Krieg's assassin was over in...I think it was still part of the retirement cottage area? He was actually inside, though, it looked like a shop or something, but it was cleared out. Except for the corpse stabbed with dozens of needles, of course.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: Yeah. Great. Figures.
GAIGE: And that's why winners don't do drugs.
MAYA: Poor attempt at faking a suicide, but clearly a doctor's hands at work.
AXTON: This guy piss off a doctor or something?
SALVADOR: Adios, Hyperion douchebag.
ZERO: Hyperion scum / Trying to catch a monster / Oh, the irony.
GAIGE: So who was this guy, anyway?
KRIEG: HE WAS THERE FOR THE BIRTHING! HE BROUGHT THEM INTO THE METAL FUN PALACE SO SHE COULD START THE PARTY!
SPARKY FLYNT: [tired] I got one assassin left, jagoffs. Just go find his corpse already.
[click]
GAIGE: We had to through the back of the shop thing or whatever it was, down and through some tunnels into the backside of the resort. It wasn't even on our maps!
SALVADOR: Through a secret door!
GAIGE: I don't think it was really a secret door, it was just a little...hidden.
MAYA: It was behind the fireplace. It's pretty much a secret door by default.
GAIGE: But it was too easy to find! It shouldn't count!
AXTON: That just means it was a bad secret door.
GAIGE: Fine, whatever. We found—oh! Almost forgot!
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: So yeah, I got no idea what's going on with this last guy. I think he wants Zero dead, but I didn't really understand anything he said.
[click]
GAIGE: Good, that it? I think so. So, yeah! Tunnel, backside of resort, found assassin. He was...impaled on a bunch of weird spikes in a...ritualistic? Way? I dunno, I still have no idea what that was about.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: Surprising NO ONE, he's dead too. I swear, I am gonna find out who did this.
MAYA: What am I, uh... what am I looking at?
KRIEG: MODERN ART!
AXTON: That's, uh... yeah.
SALVADOR: That's messed up.
GAIGE: Heh. That's weird.
ZERO: I understand it. / A message sent, and received. / Mercy is coming.
AXTON: ...sometimes I really hate you, man.
SPARKY FLYNT: Whatever, I'm done getting chumps to do my dirty work! You find me, and I'll kill you myself for what you did to my dad!
[click]
GAIGE: So. Yeah. Still, uh, not really sure who his dad was...this is gonna bug me, I should just go and look it up.
AXTON: It was probably just some random bandit somewhere or other.
GAIGE: But I feel like I recognize the name!
MAYA: That happens sometimes, even when you don't you know, actually know it.
GAIGE: [sighs] Okay, I guess. We continued along the cliff overlooking the ocean—nice view, by the way—and found the cave Sparky had hidden in. It had a big wooden ship in it, for some reason.
AXTON: Maybe he did have something to do with Scarlet after all. Maybe he was that midget with the giant who had a compass piece?
MAYA: No, that was Sandman...
GAIGE: I really should look it up. But not right now. Point is, we got to Sparky's clubhouse.
[click]
SPARKY FLYNT: My dad was an asshole, but that doesn't mean you had to kill him! Now DIE!
[MASSIVE BOOM]
[silence]
SALVADOR: That it?
AXTON: Not many people can survive two rocket launchers to the face, dude.
SALVADOR: ...maybe he dodged?
MAYA: Nope.
GAIGE: Is the blood gone?
MAYA: What do you—oh. Uh, no just...I'll lead you out of the cave. C'mon.
[click]
GAIGE: Getting out of the cave was easier than it sounded—there was just an elevator back the way we came—and we got a call from Hammerlock telling us he got six separate text messages over the ECHOnet. One for each of us. So, you know, we went back to Hammerlock for the text messages.
GAIGE: He was still standing near the middle of the mountain village where he originally got kidnapped. I think that's like, the start of some jungle safari thing, or something? I dunno. But anyway.
[click]
Sir HAMMERLOCK: Oddly, these messages lead me to believe that the deaths of those six would-be assassins were bizarre coincidences, acted upon by six separate allies of yours.
GAIGE: Huh.
MAYA: I guess that makes as much sense as anything today.
SALVADOR: Ooh! Let's all read them at the same time?
AXTON: ...why?
GAIGE: Why not?
AXTON: Sure, whatever.
[pause]
AXTON: "Staff Sergeant: Axton: first one's free. Now you're on your own. Regards, Sarah." Hunh.
ZERO: "To Zer0: 0ne." Well, that's irritatingly cryptic.
MAYA: "Dear Siren: Though I find your physical attractiveness confusingly repulsive, I feel you will have an important part to play in the coming days. Knowing this, I elected to poison the siren hunters through various means I shan't go into detail about. Suffice to say, they involved a beer bottle and a straw made of anthrax, sincerely a friend." Huh. I'm attractive?
SALVADOR: "Hola Nieto, I saw some bounty hunters were coming for you, so I hired the resort staff to take care of them. Sincerely, Abuela." I love me abuela!
GAIGE: "Dear Gaige: Dad here. Hope Pandora's fun. Heard Marcie's dad sent some mercenaries your way, so I sabotaged their transport and" - [sniffs] oh my god you're the best dad ever!
KRIEG: "SALUTATIONS PSYCHOMAN I'M SORRY AS A SLICE WOUND SINCERELY SAMMY!"
GAIGE: ...is that actually what yours says? Lemme see.
AXTON: I'm more interested in Zero's. What's it feel like to be on the confused side for once, buddy?
ZERO: Leaving.
AXTON: ...like, for good?
ZERO: No.
AXTON: Okay, have fun, I guess.
[click]
GAIGE: So...that's it, I guess. We spent some time partying on the island when the others showed up, Zero eventually reappeared, we all had some fun talking...is there anything else to talk about?
BRICK: Mordecai still owes me a tuxedo t-shirt!
GAIGE: Oh, hey there. Don't you still owe me a dance?
BRICK: Hence, the t-shirt.
GAIGE: But other than that, I don't think there's anything, really. We don't have any plans for any major operations [sighs] including the awesome one that got put on indefinite hold. Friggin'...I wanted to play with laser cannons.
MAYA: Gaige...
GAIGE: I know, I know...but I guess that's it, subscribers. If something else interesting happens, I'll upload another ECHO, but for now we've just got our hands full with cleanup. Later!