Rating: PG
Category: Grace/Eli
Discalimer: All characters belong to O&A...I am making no profit off this unfortunately so there's not really any point in sueing. No infringement intended The song is Goodbye to You by Michele Branch.
Summary: Grace and Eli talk at Jake and Tiffany's reception party and realise some things will always be a case of what could have been as they share a dance...
Author: Sunnycouger ([email protected]
Authors Notes: My first O&A fic, so I apologise if it is a bit wrong as we have only had one season over here and I'm basing everything on summaries!
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She stood outside, the echo of music and talking behind her in the hotel. Another wedding...a year later than the last. And again one of her parents was getting married to someone else. Some people would have found it weird. But Grace Manning was fast becoming used to the abnormal...
"Hey. What you doing out here?" She smiled slightly at the sound of the voice behind her. Eli.
"Hey."
He smiled at her and walked over to her. "So?"
"So what?" He looked at her questionably and she shrugged her shoulders as she looked at him honestly. "Don't know. Guess just trying to get my head around the whole situation. In the last year I've been at two weddings and my parents have been marrying other people in the both of them. Just...weird."
He nodded his head as he looked at her understandingly. "I get that. I'll probably be the same when Mom re-marries."
He sighed as she looked at him and let out a laugh. "Funny how we ended up here. Who would have thought that day in school would have caused all this..."
She laughed as he looked at her. "You mean that day I twisted my ankle and you and your dad were in the office?"
He looked at her seriously and shook his head. "Nope, after that. The day they came to pick us up after the tutoring after they had broke up. You remember that?"
She smiled at him and nodded her head. She remembered it all. "Yeah. Yeah, I do...that was a weird situation..."
"Why?"
She looked at him and blushed slightly. [i]Nice Grace, why don't you tell him how funny you found it that Jennifer only signed you up for the tutorials because she thought you wouldn't make a move on him and how much you nearly did.[/i] "Because, I remember the conversations my mother had with me everyday when I got home. 'Did he say his dad mentioned me?'"
He began to laugh. "'Did she mention if her mother was dating someone?' Like we didn't have anything better to do..."
She grinned at him and laughed. "God, can you remember the phone calls? I swear to god I got a call from Jared who she didn't know and she never listened on the phone like she did when I talked to you."
He nodded his head and smiled at her. "Yeah...they were pretty..."
"Hopeless?"
He nodded his head as he looked at her seriously. "You know, if it wasn't for us...they wouldn't have got together. Or back together. And we wouldn't be in this crazy situation..."
"What...crazy situation?"
"Well, for one thing, they probably wouldn't have got married. Which I'm glad they did, but...well, things would be less..."
"Weird?"
He smiled at her and nodded his head. "Weird."
She nodded her head and looked at the sky as the last chords of a song played. "Do you think we would have met then? Become friends I mean?"
He looked at her for a second before nodding his head. "Yeah, definitely. I get the idea that we were always supposed to meet." She felt herself smile as he looked up at the sky and sighed. "Of course, normally you wouldn't have gave a dead beat like me a second glance."
She shook her head as she spoke. Why could he not see that he was so not the loser they all thought he was? "You're not a dead beat, and I would have...though I do have my doubts on whether a guy like you would bother with someone like me..."
"Hey, we were both athletes...and if I remember right I think I invited you to a party before your mom and my dad had a date."
She smiled as she remembered. There she was walking down the stairs when he asked if she was going to some party and telling her he would introduce her to people. She could probably have died happy that day, of course, it would have been better if she could have stayed happy like that, instead of wanting more. "Yeah, I remember that...god, that seems so long ago now..."
He nodded his head and sighed. "Yeah, it does. A lot simpler then..."
"Yeah, it was...before all...this..." She bit her lip and shivered slightly.
He immediately took his jacket off and offered her it with a smirk. "Here...can't have you freezing on me."
"Thanks." She smiled and put it on as he looked at her while the music began again in the background. She sighed and turned her back to him and looked up at the sky again. Why her?
Of all the things I've believed in
"Yeah, I guess it's 'this' that makes this whole thing complicated..."
She nodded her head, but didn't turn around. The both knew exactly what 'this' was, it was what they had been fighting for so long and it was getting harder and harder for her.
I just want to get it over with
"Hey, I think I'm entitled to a dance. Don't you?" Eli whispered behind Grace's ear as he placed his hand on her arm gently and spun her around.
She looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Your father never really taught you manners did he?"
He shrugged his shoulders as he smiled at her. "Would you like to dance Ms Manning?"
She looked at him and smiled fully. "I would love to Mr Sammler."
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
He placed his hand on her waist and she placed her hand on his shoulder and they began to dance.
"You know, this is quite possibly the worst song I have heard at a wedding...it's so depressing." She sighed as she gave up fighting it and lay her head on his chest. For a moment she could hear his heart beat and she closed her eyes and allowed the sound of the music move her in time with him.
I've been searching deep down in my soul
"Blame Zoe and Jesse: Jake and Tiffany said they could choose some music to play and this is what they came up with, you should see some of the CD's they have out..." He sighed as he lay his head on top of her. "What are we doing here, Grace? What is 'this'?"
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
What was it? "I don't know...complicated? Confusing? Wrong? So many things..." She took a deep breath as she shook her head gently. "I never wanted to feel what i'm feeling. So, I guess...it's wrong..."
It feels like I'm starting all over again
"You think it's wrong?"
She smiled into his shirt and shook her head. "No. But it doesn't really matter what I think about 'this'...does it?"
He pulled back from her slightly and looked at her. "Does it matter what I think?"
"It does to me..." She almost whispered, terrified that anything louder would snap her out this dream she was in.
The last three years were just pretend
And I said
He looked at her tenderly as he kept his voice in a whisper. "I think... I think that this would have always happened, we would have always ended up here, doing this. Fighting this. And it would always be this hard and I hate myself for letting it happen even though I knew this would be it."
She smiled sadly as she looked at him, willing herself not to cry. "If only, huh?"
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
He looked at her and nodded his head. "You couldn't have brought your dad to the office that day?"
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
"You couldn't have dragged your mom?"
I still get lost in your eyes
He smiled at her sadly and let a groan out as he leaned his head forward onto hers. "Typical. I fall hard and I end up with this...i can't even do that without screwing it up."
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
She bit her lip and reached up and touched his face. Tears gently falling down her face. He had said he'd loved her? Her? "You're not a screw-up. I should get some credit. If I hadn't hung around as much..."
He closed his eyes and sighed as he pulled her closer to him and they danced. "What do you think their reaction would be...you know, if it wasn't such a bad idea?"
"Hmm, I would be sent to college in Siberia or something and you...you'd probably have to stay with your mom, or with Coop..."
He laughed slightly as she sighed. "I take back what I said about this song...it kinda works..."
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
He nodded his head as they danced in silence. She closed her eyes and let the world fall away. For so long she had just wanted this, and here she was. And while the music played she could forget everything else. She could forget the consequences, she could forget the complication, she could forget everything except the truth: they were here, together and in love and for a minute the world was perfect.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
She pulled away from him and looked at him hesitantly. "We agree that this is wrong...but, if...if it wasn't...what would we do now?"
You were the one I loved
He looked at her desperate blue eyes and reached his hand up and caressed the side of her face. He leaned in and touched her lips with his own, gently laying a soft kiss on the tips. He pulled back slightly before moving in again and kissing her a little harder, a little more probing. She felt the feel of his mouth on hers and she kissed him back gently at first, trying to ignore the way her heart was pounding for her to not let him go, trying to ignore the way her head was telling her she was wrong. Trying to ignore everything except every detail of his mouth on hers. He kept his eyes closed as he pulled away from her reluctantly and she slowly opened her eyes, not feeling capable of speech. This was what she had dreamed about for so long and it had happened, and it was perfect.
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
"I...um...i guess...that's what would have happened." He finally managed to say softly as she looked at him, eyes shining with unshed tears.
She smiled at him as she took a deep breath: her heart pounding. "Would have been good..."
"Very good." He whispered back as he closed his eyes in frustration.
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
"This isn't fair..." She managed to say as she took his hand and closed her eyes. "It shouldn't matter..."
"But it does?"
I want you
She nodded her head and stepped closer to him as he wrapped an arm around her. "So, what do we do now? Just what we always do..."
"What, you sleep with anything in a skirt and I pursue 40 year olds?" She said with a sigh. How could she go for anyone else? This was not an infatuation for her, it had always been something more. She couldn't just turn off her feelings and it killed her that little bit more to do it.
But I'm not giving in this time
"No."
"Don't kid yourself, Eli. What else can we do?"
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
He shook his head and sighed. "Anything. Anything has to be better than this. Talk about your slow torture..."
She laughed bitterly. "Tell me about it...'course, I've had 3 years to get used to it. You at least have felt this way before. You know how to handle it."
He shook his head vehemetly. "I have *never* felt this way before, Grace. Not like this. Not as strong."
She couldn't help the smile that came to her face at his passionate statement before it fell away, it couldn't matter. "But we still can't be...we have to be like we were before..."
He groaned and kissed her hair. "So, back to normality?"
She sighed and reached up and stroked his face. "Yeah. As normal as we get."
He closed his eyes as a flash of pain washed over his face. "So, we forget this? We forget..."
You were the one I loved
She shook her head and sighed. "We ignore it. Like always...who knows, maybe...maybe one day they'll twig and tell us to go for it. Or maybe we'll both move on..."
He looked at her seriously and shook his head. "Yeah...maybe. Or maybe we will be stuck wondering why the hell we didn't go for it while we had the chance."
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
She closed her eyes and lay her head down against his chest again. "Maybe. Probably. But...what else can we do? Nothing...well, unless we are willing for our parents to hate us, Jesse to hate us, you thrown out, me sent to stay with my dad...could you deal with that? Because I've had a lot of time to think about this..."
He groaned as he caressed her back gently. "No...not now. But..."
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I kne
"But what? One day?" She whispered sadly as she heard the song come to an end. She closed her eyes tightly as tears fell from them. This wasn't fair...
"One day. I guess, until then..."
You were the one I loved
She took a deep breath and pulled away from him. "Until then we ignore it...we fight it."
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
He smiled at her as he reached up and wiped her tears away with his fingers, "we fight it."
The one thing that I tried to hold on to!
She nodded her head and forced herself to smile at him. "So...after the song ends?"
The one thing that I tried to hold on to!
He looked at her and took a deep breath as he shook his head and pulled her close to him again. "After the song ends." He leant down and kissed her lips gently at first before their kissing became more desperate, more passionate. Both of them wanting to prolong the contact as long as possible. Grace felt her knees turn week as her heart broke again and again. So close and now she was letting it go. Letting it all go. Everything she had ever wanted.
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...
They reluctantly pulled apart and she stood with her eyes closed as the bitter realisation of what they had agreed dawned on her. She opened her eyes slowly and saw him standing looking at her crestfallen. She immediately wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you, Eli."
Her heart broke as she looked at him before he kissed her passionately. So that's what it would have felt like to say it...
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
She pulled back and looked at him as the final chords of the song ended and she felt her chest compress. That was it. Over. Done. Finished. She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes as he ran a hand through his hair as he looked at her desperately.
"Grace..."
She shook her head and looked at him. Why did she have to be the strong one? When all she wanted to do was run into his arms? "Eli...we can't. We agreed."
He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and gave a low growl of frustration. It had been coming for so long that the fact that she now knew he felt the same way only made her feel worse. Because, that meant he had to go through what she was going through. Maybe deep down she always knew that this is how they would end up...them falling for each other and not being able to do anything about it.
"We did. We agreed. It sucks, but we agreed." He looked at her and forced himself to smile wearily. "So, do I get any pointers?"
She smiled at him softly as she pulled his jacket closer to her, trying to ignore his scent on it and the way her voice was cracking as she looked at him. "Just...just do what we've been doing..."
"No." He took a step towards her and touched her face gently. "I don't want to...I don't want to just do what we've been doing. I want more than that."
"Eli..." She whispered to him pleadingly. She knew that if he kissed her again her resolve would shatter and he would regret it. "We agreed."
He looked down at her and dropped down so he was eye level with her. "I can't pretend I don't feel anything for you anymore. It was hard enough before...but, it would be impossible now."
She sighed and touched him. "That's why we have to pretend it didn't happen...it's too hard otherwise."
He shook his head. "Is that what you want? For it not to have happened?"
She shook her head as she felt her eyes fill with tears. "It's not what I want...it's what we both need."
He reached down and kissed her forehead. "Okay. I'll try. For you."
She smiled at him and quickly touched his face before realising that she shouldn't be doing that. He looked at her and sighed as he held her hand for a second.
"There you two are. We were wondering where you had got to." The voice behind them caused them both to jump slightly at the site of Lily, Rick and Jesse standing there. Eli immediately dropped Graces hand and Grace stood and looked at the three of them.
"Um, I just needed some air...it was...a bit...stuffy in there." Grace said as she looked at Lily and forced a smile.
Lily nodded her head but looked worriedly at her as Rick looked at Eli. "What about you E? Out harassing Grace?"
Eli shifted slightly as he forced a laugh. "Um, something like that. Just wanted to make sure she was okay..."
Lily and Rick nodded their heads as Lily looked at him suspiciously. "So, Jake and Tiffany want some family shots done so as soon as you can sweetie. You too, Eli...Karen and I are both after a shot where we can have the whole lot of us smiling." She looked again at Grace and back towards Eli, unable to ignore their close proximity. "And I think your mom wants to introduce you to someone Eli. Someone called Sara? So both of you hurry in, okay?"
They turned and walked away and Eli looked at Grace with a sigh. "And don't I just feel in the right mood for that?"
Grace smiled sadly as she reached over and nudged him gently. "At least you get a new girl..."
"I can do without one..." He said sadly as he took her hand morosely. "'course, nothing happened tonight so can I ask..." He looked at her with a mischievous smile. "You aren't planning on bringing any guys home? Because I don't think I would be able to resist from pounding them..."
She smiled as she leaned in and placed her head on his shoulder, the little bit of contact that she craved. "Hey, you'll be bringing girls home..."
He sighed as he pulled her into a hug. "I can pretty much guarantee that I won't..."
She closed her eyes as they got to the door before taking a step back and taking his jacket off. "I guess this is as far as we get..."
"Yeah. Now we go back to oblivion..." He said bitterly as he looked at his dad holding Lily. "Hope it makes someone happy."
She sighed as she looked towards them and wiped her eyes again. "I'm sure they will appreciate it." She turned towards him and took a deep breath and forced herself to smile. "So...it was good. Great even..."
"It was..."
She smiled as she handed him his jacket and took another deep breath. "So, so..." She shook her head and reached up and kissed him lightly. Fighting the tears that were again threatening to fall she pulled back and tried to keep her voice from breaking. "I... I guess that's that then. Bye...Eli."
He looked at her and silently pleaded with her before closing his eyes and swinging the jacket over his shoulder and forcing himself to smile at her. "Bye, Grace."
She took a deep breath and opened the door and walked in, shoulders thrown defiantly back and a smile on her face. No one had to know, no on had to know what she had done. What she had sacrificed. What she would give for the courage to take it all back. She walked towards her mom and smiled at her questions. How was she feeling, how was she coping? She felt like she wanted to die...she wasn't coping at all. But she hid it and gave the right answer. She turned and looked towards him standing beside his mom, a pretty brunette talking at him animatedly. She closed her eyes for a second to hide the pain before she looked at him and caught him looking right back at her. She forced herself to smile at him as her mom led her over towards the hallway where her dad and Tiffany were getting some photo's taken.
"You two scare me when you do that you know? I never can work out what is going on in your heads."
Lily's voice cut through her thoughts and she turned to look at her mom. Hoping that she might realise something, anything. "What...do you mean?"
"You always look like you are sharing something that no one else is privy to. I always worry that me and Rick will wake up one day to find out the pair of you have done something you aren't supposed to have."
Grace gulped and felt her heart beginning to pound. Her mom couldn't... "Wh...what like?"
Lily began to laugh. "I mean, like rob a bank or something. I know the pair of you can't be up to anything good...I mean, it's not natural for brothers and sisters to spend that much time together..."
Grace smiled sadly as she looked down. "He's not my brother, mom."
"Close enough." Lily looked at her daughter gently and tilted her head up to look at her seriously. "He's close enough to being your brother, Gracie."
Grace looked at her mom and shook her head. The statement probably shouldn't have sounded as threatening as it did but Grace knew her mom long enough to know exactly what she was saying. "He is your brother and you should start treating him like one." She knew how Grace felt. Yet she was more scared about what it would do for them, how complicated it would be. "Course he is, mom. I know that."
Lily smiled and looked at Grace. "I know you do sweetie. Don't worry, you'll find someone. I know it's been hard for you recently, but it will get better."
Grace looked at her mom who was smiling enthusiastically. She forced herself to smile back as Lily continued to talk. "You have college next year, and I bet there will be lots of nice boys there. I know at weddings you worry about being alone, but...you'll find someone."
Lily squeezed her daughters shoulder as she walked on over to Jake and his bride. Grace merely shook her head as she turned towards Eli who was now standing at the door looking out into the garden and closed her eyes as she whispered sadly, "I already did find someone, mom...and you will never understand..."