Fighting Desire
part 16 Final

"I didn't think I made enough noise to waken anyone," Leo said, hiding his consternation.

Usagi moved into the room. "You did not, Leonardo-san. I know you well; when I observed your demeanor earlier, I knew there were many things on your mind and that you would not be able to sleep."

"Were you lying in wait for me?" Leo asked with a slight smile, hoping his attempt at humor would make light of the situation.

"Yes," Usagi said, his expression serious.

Raph lay in his hammock, his eyes open. He had been lightly dozing, but a sound had awakened him and he was listening for a repeat. For some unexplainable reason, the noise filled him with a vague concern and even though he didn't hear it again, he decided to investigate.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, Raph saw light flickering inside the dojo. The only member of the family who ever went into the dojo so late and lit candles was Leo. Raph took a deep breath, trying to decide if he wanted to confront his brother, when he heard the sound of two voices.

Curious, Raph cautiously made his way to the open door, remaining to one side so that he wouldn't be visible to anyone. He'd recognized Leo's voice as he'd made his approach, though he didn't understand the words, but now he was close enough to hear Usagi's 'yes'.

Raph was more than a little pissed off that Leo had come home with Usagi in tow. He hadn't liked it when his brother had run off with the samurai and resented Usagi for coming back with Leo. Raph couldn't rationally explain why he felt that way; he had always liked and respected the ronin, but for some reason he was now mildly jealous of the relationship Leo had with Usagi.

Sliding up next to the door, Raph settled in to listen.

Leo could see by the look on Usagi's face that his friend was determined to press his appeal no matter how much the Turtle tried to avoid the issue. With a sigh, Leo set his cleaning materials aside and stood up.

"You shouldn't have done that, Usagi," Leo told him. "Not if you mean to bring up the subject we discussed at Lord Noriyuki's castle, or the admission you made to me earlier at the orphanage. Neither of those is debatable."

"That is quite possibly true," Usagi said as he drew closer. "But when one's heart is involved, it is difficult for it to accept an answer it does not want to hear."

"At what point will you accept my answer?" Leo asked. "When our friendship is irreparably harmed?"

Usagi shook his head. "I do not wish for that to happen and I will attempt to stop short of angering you. I also do not wish to take advantage of things I believe to be true, but perhaps talking to me about them will help you to see the impossibility of your situation."

Leo's heart was thumping in his chest but he made sure that Usagi did not see the dismay written on his face.

"What is it you think you know, Usagi?" Leo asked, his voice flat.

"I know that you desire your brothers," Usagi said with assurance.

Leo froze for a split second, recovering quickly, but he knew it wasn't fast enough. "I have never said anything to make you believe that."

"You try to hide your feelings, but certain actions give you away," Usagi said. "That is why you left your home to journey with me. These needs that you are trying to fight go against everything you understand to be proper. I understand now that you returned early in order to face your demons, but you have been unable to do so."

"Usagi, this is more complicated than that," Leo began.

"Of course it is, koibito," Usagi said as he proceeded to walk nearer, stopping just in front of Leo. "A physical attraction to one's own family members is frowned upon in your world and mine. I do not condemn your feelings because I understand them; it is difficult for warriors such as ourselves to find someone to whom we can relate on all levels."

Reaching out, Usagi placed a hand on Leo's shoulder as he continued. "Your hesitance in speaking to your family about this tells me that you have concerns, possibly insurmountable ones. You need not be burdened in that fashion. I can be everything you need and desire; we are alike, you and I. If you were to stay with me, you would avoid unnecessarily bringing chaos and confusion to your family."

What Usagi was saying to him was an echo of the fears Leo had been facing for several months. They had been overwhelming when Leo thought he was alone in them, but the connections he had experienced with his brothers as he traveled told Leo that what he desired was shared by his siblings.

"Offering me a physical outlet isn't enough," Leo said, trying to explain. "That isn't what I need. I need to share love with someone; a deeply spiritual connection that transcends bodily functions. I don't feel that with you."

"How can you know if you do not try, koibito?" Usagi asked, lifting a hand to Leo's other shoulder as he pressed against the Turtle.

"Don't call me that," Leo said, his voice catching as Usagi's warmth enveloped him. "I can't give you that."

"Let me help you experience what you do not know," Usagi insisted. "Let me be your teacher and your guide."

Leo's hands came up to grip Usagi's biceps as he tried to gently dislodge his friends grip. Instead of relinquishing his hold, Usagi slid his arms around Leo's shoulders, his mouth inches from Leo's.

"Usagi, no," Leo said, pushing a little harder.

"Please, Leonardo," Usagi whispered, his voice husky. "Please let me show you how to love."

Leo looked into dark eyes full of intent and knew he was going to have to use force to make Usagi understand. Before he had a chance to do anything, a sound from the doorway stopped them both.

"No means no, samurai," Raph growled harshly as he dashed across the room towards the pair.

Raph's intent was crystal clear. His big fists were tight knots of white knuckled fury and his eyes were blazing.

"Raph, stop!" Leo yelled, pulling out of Usagi's grasp and darting between Raph and his intended target.

When Raph tried to sidestep him, Leo spun to match his move and his brother slammed into Leo's chest. Grabbing Raph's arms quickly, Leo hung on as his brother tried to shake him loose.

"Let go, Leo," Raph snarled, his eyes locked on Usagi. "He thinks he's just gonna waltz in here and steal ya' away from us? Ya' tell him no and he keeps on trying ta . . . ta . . . ."

Raph's voice fizzled out as a little piece of his mind applied the brakes to his tongue. Panting harshly, his eyes came down to Leo's, allowing his older brother a glimpse of the pain and confusion inside of them.

"You are not going to attack Usagi," Leo told him gruffly. "Our conversation was private. He isn't 'stealing me away' and since you deemed it appropriate to eavesdrop, I'm certain you heard my answer. I was handling the situation without your help and I'll continue to do so. Stand down, Raphael."

"Fuck that!" Raph barked. "Ya' weren't handling anything; he was the one in control."

"No he was not," Leo said firmly. "Usagi and I are nothing more than friends and we won't ever be anything more. I promise you, Raph. Do you hear me? I promise. Now stand down."

The last words were issued in Leo's command voice and as angry as Raph was, he knew he had to do what Leo said. The rigidity left his limbs and he stopped pushing against Leo, who released him and stepped back.

Turning to face Usagi, Leo said, "I'm sorry that happened."

Usagi's eyes flicked over to Raph and then back to Leo. "As am I. I apologize to both of you; my actions were inappropriate. It would be best if I were to leave now, I have caused enough discord in your family."

Without waiting for a response, Usagi walked past the two brothers and made his way upstairs to Don's room.

Leo waited a few minutes, his head down as he sorted through his emotions. The one thing he knew with certainty was that he couldn't just let Usagi leave on a note of violence.

As he started out of the room, Raph grabbed his arm.

"Where the hell are ya' going?" Raph demanded.

Leo shook his hand off. "I'm going to try and repair the damage between my friend and I. It would be wrong to let him leave like this."

"It'd be wrong for ya' ta lead him on anymore," Raph said.

"I didn't 'lead him on' in the first place," Leo snapped. With an angry glare, he strode past Raph and raced upstairs.

Usagi was pulling his pack on when Leo entered the room.

"Leonardo-san, do not try to dissuade me from leaving," Usagi said quickly. "We both know that is the best thing."

Leo pressed his lips together, feeling the pain of loss acutely. "Yes, it probably is. This isn't what I wanted, Usagi. I had hoped to avoid hurting you."

"This is not your fault, my friend," Usagi told him. "You did not ask me to have these feelings for you, nor did you encourage them in any way. It is the vagaries of the heart that have placed us in this situation. I care for you, but you have feelings for another. From what I have seen, I believe those feelings are reciprocated. Let us speak of it no more. Would you aid me in opening the portal?"

"Yes, of course." Leo wanted to say more, but he couldn't think of any words that would lessen Usagi's suffering.

Downstairs they drew the symbols for the portal on a wall and together chanted the words that opened it. When the swirling blue light presented itself, Usagi walked right up to it, but before stepping through, he looked back at Leonardo.

"I am still your greatest friend, Leonardo-san," Usagi said. "If you should ever need me, for any reason, do not hesitate to call on me."

Leo managed a smile. "The same holds true for me, Usagi. Journey well."

In the next moment, Usagi was gone, the portal closing behind him. Leo stared at the wall for several long minutes before he drew a deep breath and turned around to see Raph standing in the door to the dojo.

Squaring his shoulders, Leo walked towards his brother, who backed into the room and waited.

"Go ahead and bitch at me," Raph said in a raspy voice as Leo came through the doorway.

"I don't want to do that," Leo said, exasperated. "I don't know what's going on in your head, Raph. You resent my leaving, you resent my being here, you resent Usagi's presence, and you seem to resent everything I did while I was gone."

"Is that what got ya' so fired up over Usagi?" Raph asked. "Ya' go off with him ta play leader and love the accolades so much ya' let him whisper sweet nothings in your ear? Well just 'cause they need a hero don't mean we're gonna let go of a brother."

"There was never any chance of my staying with him," Leo all but shouted. "Why can't you for once trust what I say? You shouldn't have interfered; I don't have feelings for Usagi and I didn't want to stay with him. All I could think about while I was gone was home and you guys."

"Why?" Raph marched towards him, his glare never wavering. "If we were on your mind so much, why the fuck didn't ya' just stay here and let us help ya'? How come ya' needed ta run away from us?"

"I wasn't running away from you," Leo said. "I was running away from me."

"Tell me why before I smash your face in," Raph snarled. "I'm sick and tired of this shit, Leo."

Leo shook his head. "It's too much right now, Raph. There's no way I can talk to you when you're like this."

With a lunge, Raph came at Leo, whose hands lifted automatically. Raph brushed them aside as he darted between Leo's outstretched arms, gripping his brother's biceps and smashing their plastrons together.

In the same fluid movement, Raph's mouth was covering Leo's, his lips burning as hotly as his eyes. For a split second, Leo was completely immobile, then he lowered his hands to grasp the sides of Raph's carapace as he pulled the hot head closer.

The kiss lasted an eternity; seeming to stop time. The kiss was a flash fire; so quick the flames consumed them. The kiss was all of those things as they pushed and pulled at one another, both simultaneously offering to deepen it. Neither knew what they were doing; pure instinct guided them through the first hesitant steps in a dance that was almost as old as time.

They broke away from one another with a delirious gasp, panting heavily as they searched each other's eyes. It was Raph who managed the first words.

"Is this what ya' were running from?" Raph asked, his voice a deep caress of silk.

"Yes," Leo whispered, afraid that speaking louder would break the spell.

"Why?" Raph didn't relinquish his grip on his brother, but his head tilted down so that he could drown in Leo's amber gaze.

"I was afraid that you would hate me," Leo explained, the worry still evident on his face.

Raph's fierce expression softened. "I thought ya' was fearless."

Leo's eyes shimmered. "You gave me that title," he said. "Still mocking me?"

"You gonna keep taking yourself so damn seriously?" Raph countered.

"I think this thing is big enough to warrant some concern," Leo said. "Don't you?"

"Yeah, I do," Raph conceded. "Can this work?"

"I don't know," Leo answered truthfully. "It won't be easy. There are . . . difficulties that we'll have to overcome."

A corner of Raph's mouth twitched upwards. "Ain't that always how our life's been? Nothing comes easy, but with this, I don't think we got much choice."

"No, we don't," Leo agreed. "Every time I tried to fight it I couldn't find any sense of solid ground."

Raph chuckled. "Fuckin' Sun Tzu," he said lightly. "Desire ain't necessarily an invading force, Leo, even though it might feel like it is."

Leo nodded. "I think I know that now. I've come to realize I wasn't meant to fight it; that it was meant by fate to happen," he said. "We four are the sum total of our universe, and must therefore be everything to each other. A team, a family, four brothers . . . and lovers."

"All four?" Raph asked, searching Leo's eyes.

"Yes," Leo answered a bit breathlessly. "Don't you feel that too?"

"I have been," Raph said. "I think Don and Mikey have; at least I hope so 'cause nothing else explains their strange behavior."

It was Leo's turn to laugh. "You're one to talk. Will you always respond with anger to everything you can't control?"

"It's worked for me up to now, don't know why I should stop," Raph joked. "Ya' always gonna work so hard ta frustrate the living shell out of me?"

"I'm not going to change who I am because of this," Leo said seriously. "I'm not going to play favorites or do less than my best, even if that aggravates you. I'll say the same to Don and Mike."

"Good." Raph released his brother. As they stepped apart, he said, "I ain't broached this with either of them even though I wanted ta. I figured that's your place, oh fearless one."

Out of curiosity, Leo asked, "Before I left and this all came to a head, which of us would you have approached first, given the option?"

"Aw, shell, that's easy. It would have been ya'," Raph said. "I knew you'd either tell me why it was wrong, or you'd tell me it was right and figure out a plan ta make it work. Either way I wasn't gonna need ta worry about getting laughed at or talked down ta like I only had half a brain. Same question back at ya'."

"Actually, I was planning on talking to Don after Usagi left," Leo told him. "You were so angry at me that I didn't think we could have a conversation; I figured it would turn into a brawl. I was sure that Don would hear me out and keep everything I said in confidence, even if he decided I was twisted and in need of therapy. Does that bother you?"

"Nah." Raph dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "We all have different personalities and make our choices based on 'em. That's how ya' are; ya' like ta have all of the facts and as much input as possible before deciding on a plan. Me, I jump in with both feet and worry about the consequences afterwards."

"Like when you attacked my mouth?" Leo said with a smile.

"Seemed like a good idea at the time," Raph said huskily. "Still seems like a good idea."

Leo eyed him for a moment and then moved back up against Raph, placing his hands on either side of his brother's broad neck. Raph lifted his hands to cup Leo's elbows and lowered his mouth to accommodate the four inch difference in their heights.

This time Leo instigated their kiss, the touch of his lips gentle and exploratory. They took the time to savor this second kiss and when they parted it was with a sigh of contentment.

The desire in Raph's eyes was mirrored exactly in Leo's, but the clan leader reluctantly stepped back to put distance between them.

"You know that we need to go slow, don't you Raph? This is about building something that is deep and meaningful before it can be about . . . sex," Leo said, the word puffing out of his mouth in an excited exhale.

"But ya' been thinking about it, ain't ya' Leo?" Raph asked with a knowing smirk.

"Of course I have," Leo answered. "If that's all I wanted though, I could have gotten it from . . . ." He let the sentence trail off as he glanced towards where the portal had been.

"Rub it in," Raph said with a small growl. "Ya' know I heard everything he said, don't ya'? Guess what I would've done ta that rabbit if he'd managed ta talk ya' into staying on his world with him? Just so we're clear, ya' ain't ever gonna belong ta anyone else."

"You hadn't anything to worry about, Raphael," Leo assured him. "I can't think of him that way. You're the only one who excites me in that manner."

"Keep talking like that and I'm gonna forget ya' wanna go slow," Raph said with a twisted grin. "Come on, let's go ta bed; I'm sleeping with ya' tonight."

Leo's head jerked up. "What?"

"Ya' heard me. We're gonna do like we did when we were kids and share a bed. Remember that? How we'd lay there next ta each other while Mikey and Don slept and just talk? We ain't gonna do anything; hell, ya' can put a line of pillows between us if it'll make ya' feel better," Raph said.

"I trust you," Leo said.

"Yeah? Well ta be on the safe side, ya' stay on your side and I'll stay on mine," Raph said, chuckling. The laugh faded and was replaced by a more somber tone. "I want us ta take off our masks and be Leo and Raph for a few hours, instead of Leader and Psycho. When we ain't wearing our masks, we don't get so mad at each other."

"That might actually be the best way to start working through this," Leo said gently. "And in the morning? What do we say about sleeping in the same room and Usagi's absence?"

"Usagi got worried about Lord Noriyuki 'cause Hebi's still on the loose," Raph said. "As for the other, we tell the truth, we decided ta stop fighting for a couple of hours and just talk. If Mikey and Don want ta over think that, let 'em. Master Splinter will be happy we found a solution that didn't involve him having ta step in and stop another of our fights."

Leo stared at his brother for a minute and then said, "I missed you."

"I . . . ." Raph stopped to clear the emotion from his throat. "I couldn't stop thinking about ya'. Felt like something was tearing a hole in my chest and I couldn't make the pain go away. I was an asshole ta Mikey and Don."

"You'll find a way to make it up to them," Leo said. "Don't be surprised if you find out they understood."

"Those two never stop surprising me, that's why I love 'em," Raph said, his mouth snapping shut as he realized what he'd said.

"I love them too," Leo admitted softly. "I also love you, Raphael."

"Shit," Raph said in a shaky voice, passing a hand across his forward. He cleared his throat again. "Come ta bed; I'm tired and I'm getting sappy."

"All right," Leo said. "Let me blow out the candles."

Raph waited at the door as Leo walked over to extinguish the candles he'd lit. When darkness took control of the dojo and the only way Raph knew his brother was approaching was by the sound of his footsteps, Raph said, "I love ya' too, Leo."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x

A year passed quickly for the Hamato clan. Those twelve months were by no means free of conflict; Leo and Raph were fundamentally still the same, as were their brothers. It was a year of promises and assurances, discovery and revelation.

One night almost exactly to the date when Leo had returned from his adventure with Usagi, the four brothers lay together in a pile of mattresses strewn across Mikey's floor.

Sated and half asleep, Leo turned his head to slowly survey his siblings. Don lay on his carapace; one arm stretched overhead, the other curved around Mikey. The youngest had molded his body against Don's side, his head comfortably pillowed on his brother's shoulder.

Every couple of minutes, Mikey's tail would swish in his sleep, the tip tickling Leo's thigh. Leo smiled contentedly at the feeling, eyelids growing heavier by the minute.

Leo squeezed the emerald green hand that held his and felt an answering squeeze. His head rolled towards the owner of that hand and his eyes met a pair of golden ones, the fire in them just as strong when Raph was half asleep as when he was driven nearly mad with lust and desire.

That look was so powerful that even a year later Leonardo wondered what had ever possessed him to try to fight it. Whatever it was, Leo was very happy to have lost that fight.

THE END