Plans Never Work

Chapter One: In Which Xehanort's Plan Works... And Then Fails In Ways Even He Couldn't Have Seen Coming

A\N: A good introductiong to this story is be warned. This is random, utter crack with some parody and what ifs mixed in. It's based off of "What would have happened if Xehanort's crazy plan in 3D had actually worked? What if Axel hadn't saved the day?" Some of it's quite intresting and some, if not all, of it is weird. Luckily for you, as strange as it is, there isn't anything inapropriate here; no cussing, no real pairings or any of the things that come with them and nothing that any one should find offensive. This is humor, plain and simple. It's also my first foray into the KH fandom so any OOC behavior is my inexsperiance with these characters.

Xehanort pointed his keyblade at Sora and fired a beam of light. Mickey and Riku cried out and tried to stop it but they were too late. The light hit Sora's chest. Xehanort's plan had worked.

...

Then again, Xehanort had to admit, maybe not. This was something he hadn't expected.

He was on a beach, one of the Destiny Islands, and he wasn't alone. Some of these people he recognized but others, not so much. Why was he here? Why were they here? Shouldn't he be in control of Sora by now?

"Hey! We got another one!" a black haired girl called to the others,

"Another one? Seriously? It's getting way too crowded in here." The black-haired boy who resembled Sora grumbled before he turned around, "Master Xehanort?!"

"Xehanort?" One of the spiky haired blonds growled,

"So that's Xehanort?" The other blond, mostly identical to the first, glanced at the old keyblade master, "Is he even human? Seriously, he looks... weird."

"That is not my old apprentice." The only other adult commented.

"Vanitas? Ventus? What are you doing here?" Xehanort asked as the others started to crowd around him.

"It's his fault." The dark-haired Sora, Vanitas, pointed to the first blond. "He decided to take a nap here and I got pulled along for the ride."

"What are you doing here Xehanort? And what happened to Terra!" Ven questioned,

"That isn't Xehanort," the other adult argued, "Xehanort was the apprentice who stole my identity. I'd know his face anywhere."

"You're just data." The girl said dismissively, "What do you know? Ven obviously recognizes him."

"And you're an imperfect clone." The man glowered at her, "And not meant to exist."

The girl just rolled her eyes and muttered, "Ansem? You don't exist. Data."

"I am Master Xehanort!" Xehanort barked, not used to being ignored.

"Wow. Ven, are you sure Mr. Mucus is supposed to be powerful? It just seems like he needs to clear his throat."

Ven couldn't help but smile at this but he still protested, "Roxas!"

"Whatever," Roxas shrugged, "He just doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as Xemnas. Or even Saix for that matter."

"Yep." The girl agreed, "He's creepy but..." she gave him a searching look, "He's not Xemnas."

"Yes, I am!" Xehanort's hands started to move strangely, "He is but one of my vessels-"

"So the Terra thing didn't work?" Vanitas asked, looking over Xehanort's current form,

"Of course it worked!" He snapped,

"You don't look like Terra." Vanitas said.

"He was defeated." Xehanort gave his old apprentice a sharp look,

"What happened to Terra?!" Ven asked slowly, gritting his teeth,

"I told you a long time ago, he was going to be Master Xehanort's new body so he could live until the keyblade war." Vanitas waved one hand lazily, still nowhere near Xehanort's crazy hand gestures.

"I can see why," Roxas shrank back a little after looking at him, "He looks like he'll start convulsing anytime. How old are you?"

Xehanort was about tell Roxas the futility of asking his age- he would never tell him and it still wouldn't stop him from taking over Sora's body- when Vanitas spoke again.

"I have no idea. He was supposed to be around Master Eraqus's age but... Even ten years ago he was bald."

"And you thought this was one of the good guys?" Roxas looked at Ven as if he was crazy,

"Says the boy who worked for Organization XII." Vanitas smirked,

"Yes, but look at this guy!" Roxas pointed at him with a fling of his hand, "He had the Bald of Evil, the Beard of Evil and a creeper smile. Why would you ever trust a guy who looks like that?"

"Master said not to judge on appearances..." Ven looked down, embarrassed.

"Excuse me! I'm still here!" Xehanort glowered,

"Yeah, so?" the girl asked,

"He thinks that's important Xion." Vanitas said mockingly,

"He thinks that he's very important." Roxas nodded, "Very important indeed."

Both of Vanitas's and Roxas's faces were serious, melodramatically so. This made everyone other than the adults crack up and start laughing.

"I am taking over Sora's body! I don't have time for immature adolescents!"

Vanitas rolled his eyes, "Dude, do you really think we're gonna let you have the body? Me and Ven have been here for ten freaking years. Get in line."

Xehanort gasped, "But I am you're Master!"

"No you're not." Vanitas said dryly, "Plus, me and Ven are friends now. We have a lot in common, you know? And he doesn't like you. I don't really like you much either. I mean, come on wheezer! You may had freed me from Ven's heart but then you kept me in the shadows. Ven promises that if we ever get a body that he'll let me actually do something fun."

"Wheezer? Fun?!"

"Yeah! Like skateboard and eat sugar and write poetry."

"POETRY?"

"I know, I know," Vanitas spread his hands up, almost in a shrug, "Who would have thought? But if my emotions were strong enough to make monsters than I need to get them out somehow. I thought about writing song lyrics for boy-bands but I'm not that evil. Plus, poetry is relaxing."

"You are pure evil!"

"So? Does that mean I can be happy? Anyways, I write really bad poetry. Do you know that it makes great torture material?"

"Vanitas!" Ven scolded him,

"Ventus!" Vanitas teased,

"This is insane." Xehanort muttered, Ansem nodded and agreed.

"So what are we going to do with Xeha-maybe-nort?" Roxas asked, "Since I doubt he'd going to just settle here peacefully."

"I am Xehanort!" he shouted, "And I am going to take Sora as my thirteenth vessel! There is nothing you can do to stop me!"

"Dude, you do realize that everyone here- except for Data here- is a keyblade wielder? Roxas can even dual wield. You're not doing anything we don't want you to do."

...

Outside Sora's rather crowded heart, in the throne room in The World That Never Was and yet was apparently was and is, everyone watched Sora's body. Axel had appeared five seconds two late to stop Xehanort's attempted possession of Sora but held a keyblade in his hand. Of course a strange heartless thing that had come from someone's chest also had Axel in his hand so it didn't really matter in the scheme of things.

Riku and Mickey had stopped struggling against their captors a time ago and even Xehanort had stopped his long gloat. Every eye in the room was on Sora's body.

"Did it work?" The man who had once been known as Braig and Xigbar but was currently Half-Xehanort finally asked.

"Be patient!" Xehanort snapped, but even he didn't sound too sure.

"Mickey, do you think Sora's fighting him?" Riku asked quietly,

"Well gosh, I hope so!" The king answered.

A\N: And so the first chapter comes to an end. And yes, Xion and Roxas do like to antagonize Data Ansem about not being real in revenge for him being so racist about nobodies.

Just incase any more of my readers from my other stories are worried- no, I haven't abandoned you. I'll have that stuff out soon but since I've already written a most of this story (rougue plotbunnies teamed up on me as well as the person who pulled me back into KH by showing me all the cutscenes for 3D one day) so I am posting this first. No worries though, I am working on Blue and Secrets of Many.

More about this fic- I have a lot of this already written and am going to post bite sized sections of this, one per day, until I don't have any more written material. Why aren't I posting it all at once? I think it will go a lot smoother for everyone. Most chapter\chuncks will be bigger than this, this is just the beginning.

Next- The clash for Sora's body continues and Xehanort is not amused!