AN: So, this was a random oneshot on my blog. Then it sort of...expanded. Still going to be six chapters, but yeah, they get longer...warnings for adult themes. Though please don't expect graphic sex, because as fun as that is, it didn't really fit in here.

Also, this is my first OUAT fanfic. I love OUAT, and Rumbelle, so current members of the fandom - please be nice? And don't set Malificent on me! I realise this is a little AU-ish, but it seemed like a fun idea. And like I said, it grew. Kind of like the smell of old cheese...Theme tune to this is probably the Weight of Love by Snow Patrol. I normally have an idea overall, but this became a bit more multi faceted than I thought it would be.

DISCLAIMER: Once Upon A Time does not belong to me, nor, by necessity, do any of its characters or original storylines - they belong to ABC. However, all original ideas, characters and storylines do belong to me, so kindly don't steal. Thank you.

Hope you like it!

The first time, it was Regina's fault.

Rumplestiltskin would never know exactly why the Evil Queen had had the sudden urge to swap their clothes, but she did, and ran out of the door in his favorite leather jodpers and crocodile skin waistcoat, shouting about fair transactions. Leaving him in a black satin dress embroidered with jet and raven feathers. Which would have been fine, had he not decided to keep a princess in the Dark Castle with him.

Having remembered this one, annoying (but sort of pleasant) fact, Rumplestiltskin set about trying to get the damn thing off of him, and preserve some sort of dignity. This, was somewhat hindered by Regina's dominatrix complex, which meant the whole ridiculous affair had more buckles, knots and fastenings than you'd need to catch a dragon.

Reminding himself that he was The Dark One, in the Dark Castle, all powerful, devious and feared, Rumplestiltskin began to battle with the dress. An hour or two later, he was swearing loudly at whatever depraved creature had created this monstrosity, his fingers were actually blistered and he refused to use magic. Because he was NOT going to be defeated by a dress. It just wasn't going to happen.

One hour later, having merely managed to dismember one of the silly thing's velvet sleeves, Rumplestiltskin lost his temper. And set himself on fire. Which was about the point at which he started screaming. Which was what brought Belle to his chambers, just in time to see him standing in a pile of ash and withered feathers, patting down the last of the flames off his naked body.

"Rumplestiltskin, are you al-" A normal princess would have turned away. Possibly screamed. Been sent running. At least have shown a little fear. Belle just stared.

"What were you doing?" She was starting to blush now, dusky pink filling the round apples of her cheeks. But she still wasn't going anywhere, and she was still looking. Refusing to cover himself (it was his castle dammit), Rumplestiltskin raised his eyebrows, waving at her with a taloned hand.

"Dearie, though I realise I am a sight to behold, would you give me a little privacy? Pretty please?"

Belle went tomato red, nodded vigorously, and after one last look, and a soft, "oh, right, of course!" She spun and trotted back down the stairs. Rumplestiltskin glared at the pile of ash on his floor, and the new burns lacerating his body.

It was all Regina's fault.