Disclaimer:

I do not own the characters of Harry Potter, these belong to that wonderful author JK Rowling and the various publishing companies used to publish her works. I am however borrowing them, no not to make money but for fun and fun only.

Summary:

Self inserts can be tricky, so I took the route of ending up as Doloris Umbridge, a character I really hate. So how will this turn out? Read to find out.

So I hate Umbridge, she was horrible, foul and evil. So what better way to get revenge than basically take over her body and change the world? Okay try to change the world, that is where my self-insert comes in. She was average in her previous life and ends up in a new world in the body of one woman she really hates and the fun begins! Oh and before anyone flames me how I spelled her name, it's intentional, to differentiate from the real Doloris Umbridge.

Now I hate Umbridge (I can't stress that enough, she is vile, lithesome and a horrible, evil person. What happens here is not the real Umbridge changing, oh no, it's the person who ended up as her changing a few things. To me this is a great way to get revenge on Umbridge, as I can't really get my strong hands around her fat neck and squeeze, this revenge will have to do. I hope you enjoy my attempt at revenge, though it might on the surface look like revenge. It is, oh how it is.

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Chapter One: I am who?

I went to bed a normal hardworking American woman. Two cats at home in a nice large one bedroom flat with a wall of bookcases full of books, a computer to follow everything I wanted and a nice view of the small town downtown from my windows. I woke up in a bed that was not my own. First thing to let me know is the fact the sheets, blanket and even the curtains were pink. Now I don't dislike pink but this, this was too much! I wondered where I was and got up to go do my morning duties realizing the floor was a lot closer than before. I went into the bathroom, and looked in the mirror and very nearly screamed.

Looking back at me was a middle-aged woman, short fat and with curlers in her gray hair. She had watery brown eyes and a face that looked, well frog-like. The memories came then, and I sat on the toilet holding my head in my hands. I felt it then, how could I not? The magical tingle for a lack of a better word, I walked from the bathroom into my bedroom and saw the wand, grabbing it with stubby fingers I cast the first spell I could think of, Lumos. My wand lit up, for it was for all intents and purposes my wand now. I was the one character aside from Voldemort I hated most in all of Harry Potter, Doloris Umbridge and I was not happy. I had to sort my mind out, luckily Doloris was good at Occulumency, most purebloods like her were.

I decided to organize my mind as I showered, after all in my past life a nice bath or shower always helped. I had to get used to being this woman, no matter how much I hated her. I learned things, she had been married but was widowed now as Greyback had her husband for lunch (good reason to hate werewolves) and she had a superiority complex a mile high, oh and she thought of Harry Potter as a filthy liar and no good rotten as his father. Then again she really did have a reason for that, her son, a ugly boy by the name of Darcy had been teased and hounded by the marauders so much so he had moved out of England shortly after finishing his NEWTs to America. However Doloris was as unpleasant and cruel a person as she could get away with, never one to get caught she had done a lot of very horrible things.

I learned she was Hufflepuff, had the hat put her there. She knew she was ugly, knew too people would not take her as a threat. But when a victim came close she would pounce and deal with them anyway she could. Right now she had been working on getting a couple of Dementors to Privet Drive for a date with a certain boy. She truly saw Harry Potter as a threat and one that had be removed from society. She made me sick, but now that I was her I could change things, Cornelius did take my advice to heart and maybe I could make this work? I did have a meeting with him today, two weeks after the Triwizard cup ended and Cedric Diggory died.

"Floppy!" I called for my house elf, and a small creature clad in a pink pillowcase over a sage green tunic and trousers popped into view, "is breakfast ready?"

"Oh yes mistress, your favorites today!" Floppy said beaming.

"Good, I shall have it here." I replied.

I was relieved to find out that Doloris was not bad to house elves, she did not punish them as they did exactly what she wanted when she wanted. Still she had that superiority complex that I did not like but would have to get used to if I was going to change anything around here. I had my breakfast, the full English kind which really was quite good, the tea I had to get used to though Doloris liked it well enough. No I was Doloris now, and had to get use to that fact. After breakfast I finished getting ready for the day and frowned at the robes I had. Of all the clothing Doloris chose to wear what she had did not flatter her figure at all. Well she was more a square than anything but a corset or something would have solved that problem and though pink is nice she really should not have worn it head to toe. I refused to wear the stupid pink bow as that really did not suit a middle aged woman at all.

I did not have time for shopping as I had to get to my meeting with Cornelius, all the while wondering how I was to change the future. I had a position of power to be sure, and a knowledge of Rowling's world. I could really mess things up here if I just barged into things. No I had to be careful, though things would change for Harry soon enough if I had my way. I Apparated to the Apparation point in the ministry, it was unpleasant but not overtly so. I checked my wand and headed up to Cornelius office, walking by a red headed young man in navy robes that could only be Percy Weasley. The books are spot on with how Cornelius looks and acts and with my memories I knew how to get on his good side and stay there and it did not involve sex let me tell you!

"My dear Deloris how good to see you!" Cornelius said beaming.

"I saw you two days ago Cornelius, but it is good to see you as well." I replied, "Dumbledore still causing problems?"

"Oh yes, and Harry Potter as well, his lies must be stopped!" Cornelius snapped.

"Well it's a shame he got off with murder free and clear." I said choosing my words very carefully, "what if we brought him in, forced him to give memories to the false claims he is giving and once done chuck him into Azkaban?"

"That could work, but I do not know where he lives." Cornelius replied.

"I do." Came the voice of Percy who had listened in, "I am sorry for overhearing what you had to say but I know where that murdering liar lives."

Now here is where Doloris is sort of redeemable, okay no she is not. But she had a reason to set two Dementors on Harry Potter, she thought he had committed murder and wanted him dead. What she did much later, well that was pure evil and I was determined that she never got the chance to destroy so many lives again. We got the address and it was pretty easy to go get Harry Potter, one day later and he was in my office. I was not surprised at how he looked, oh he was not bruised or beaten or starved if that was what you were thinking. No Harry Potter was a normal teen boy, average looking in fact and let's face it he was going through a growth spurt so at bit awkward looking due to that. If not for the horrid glasses and baggy clothing he would have been pleasant enough to look at though his hair was really a rats nest of raven and his green eyes really were a startling shade of green rarely seen in nature.

"Do you know why you are here Mr. Potter?" I asked the boy.

"It's for getting Cedric killed." Harry replied.

"I want your memories of how he died, now." I demanded, sure I was being rude but I had to, lest any grew suspicious of me."

"I-I don't know how." He stammered.

"Think of the time you were gone with Cedric, put yer wand to yer head and draw out the memory and put it in this pensive." Dawlish, a stocky Auror with blond hair and a sneer and loyal to the minster and men said, "that way we can prosecute you faster."

Harry did as he was told and everyone in the room, Cornelius, myself and Dawlish entered the pensive and watched the scene before us. I was horrified at what I was seeing, I mean reading about it was one thing, being there to see what went on was far worse. When Harry was cursed with the Crucio curse I let out a gasp and felt for the poor boy, the duel was amazing but still said he had to fight that. We all came out of the pensive a time later (though on the outside only a minute had passed) and we were all very pale and shaken up. Cornelius looked as if he wanted to cry, he was no warrior and I felt for him, but now I had a plan forming and was going to put it to good use, first thing was first.

"I was wrong, he is back!" Cornelius stammered. "What do we do now?"

"Send Mr. Potter home for the time being." I said and at the look of betrayal on Harry's face, "I will come speak to you later, you need to trust me now."

"But what are you going to do?" Harry whined, teens, so dramatic and he was a stressed teen boy, oh joy.

"I can't tell you now, but trust me alright?" I said, "I promise I will tell you what I can when it is safe."

"Safe from what?" Harry demanded.

"You, do you know Occulumency?" I asked.

"What is that?" Harry asked, add uneducated teen boy to my worries about him. "It's a way to shield your mind. You will go home and I will come see you in two days."

"Fine." Harry said, add moody teen boy, oh joy.

"Good, now off you go."

Harry left and I was left with Cornelius and had to come up with a way to get him to up the Aurors. As much as I would have liked to I could not have him state publically that Voldemort was back now, that would cause far too much trouble. No now was the time for subterfuge as we needed to be ready for when Voldemort did come back into the open. Yet there was one thing we could use now and I was going to have fun with this, Cornelius now knew about Wormtail and I was coming up with a plan I was sure was going to work very well indeed.

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Yes I hate Doloris Umbridge but if one was to end up as her in the Harry Potter world there is so much good one could do. She was evil and cruel but here, well with knowledge of the world one can change things. However a gentle touch is needed, my heroine could not just run roughshod all over the ministry and have everyone fine with that. No she would end up in Azkaban faster than you can say boo.

I am not being mean to Harry, if I had a chance to work with him I would not coddle him and would be a bit sharp at times. But I would care about him and let him know I did but I sure as hell would not let the boy get away with anything! He is a boy, a boy with a destiny to be sure but still so young, he needs someone on his side who will help him grow into a good strong young man. He can't become that if he is coddled after all.

Anyway do review please!