I promised an alternate, happier option for you all just in case. I'm not crazy about it, but I feel like I owe it to you. Here you are, and thank you!

Three years later, Dave knocked on the door to the old apartment. Jade had been too proud to live with her family members and kept the place where she and Dave had lived despite all of the memories.

"You," she said, surprised upon answering the door.

He didn't give her any coy bullshit. "I'm sorry for everything and I know I have no right to show my face around you for, like, virtually forever, but I have a job that pays now and I've been saving my money. I don't care if you hate me or what, but I'm at least paying for... for my kid."

She stared at him very hard and intently.

Then she slapped him.

Then she grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him inside. 'You idiot," she said. "I have been waiting for you to visit me for four years now. You're already the world's shittiest father."

"What?"

"Well, three, since the first year was me sorting out my emotions and dealing with a newborn by myself."

"...I'm sorry."

Chuckling, she kissed his cheek. "No you're not. Not yet." She laughed and picked up Karkata from the crib in the living room before depositing him into Dave's arms.

"This is really fucked up," Dave said, slowly letting a smile creep onto his face.

"You say that like it's not something I don't already know."

"Holy shit, this is not what I was expecting," he said, beginning to tear up from the shock of it all.

"Holy shit," she agreed. "This was the point, actually. Pretty effective, huh?"

"I... oh my God."

She laughed. "Your room is now the baby's room so you can sleep on the couch if you want. If you're good, though, it'll be with me."

"What..."

"I'll let you come to your own conclusions about that. It's the punishment, remember?"

"...You're kidding."

"No. I'm really not." Her smiling face turned serious. "The catch is that you have to stay now. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with us. You have to own up to your actions and take responsibility for 'em. It's really not nice to take advantage of lonely drunk girls. Even if you're miserable, I'm not going to let you just leave again!"

He looked down at Karkata. "I think I can deal with that," he said.

"You are just as impulsive as always, Dave."

"...This whole thing was a trap."

"And you fell for it. Not that it would have mattered if you had or not." She shrugged. But you came back, so that's something, even if the family frowns on it."

"The family hates me."

"No they don't. They-we- hate that you were an idiot. And that you left."

Karkata snored.

And Dave stared like he was looking through at some kind of magic spell, like he was in an enchanted garden that shouldn't exist in reality.

Jade just cackled.