AN: Hopefully, this AN won't be longer than the whole first chapter, but we'll see. This started out as a series of journal-type entries that my spacer/war hero/paragon soldier Shepard wrote to a romanced Kaidan Alenko who survived Virmire. The first one starts off on the way to Ilos; all the rest pick up after her resurrection on the Cerberus base. Thus far, it's only through ME2, including Overlord and a tiny bit of Shadow Broker. Arrival is not included, because I did Arrival after going through the O4 relay, and the letters end before the O4 trip. I don't think I'll continue on past Shepard's return from the relay (and then on to Arrival and ME3) in this story, though I may try my hand at it in a separate-but-related story.

The events in the letters stick fairly close to canon. I've tried not to include too much of the game content, instead focusing on the things that would be going through my Shepard's mind, and things she'd be willing to share with Kaidan. Gap filler, so to speak, but with in-game references for context. The rest of the story built around it. Some of the chapters are really short-they're letters, after all, even if there may be reactions to them built in as well.

Not my first fanfic, and only my second foray into the ME universe. Had been the first, but 'I'd Like That' came up and surprised me! In progress, but I have several chapters banked and will probably post once a week-ish.

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, especially any recognizable dialogue, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

Prologue - en route to Ilos

Dear Kaidan,

It seems crazy that I'm writing to you while you're in my bed, but you're sleeping so peacefully...I couldn't bear to wake you and I'm so restless couldn't help but get up. Something tells me I'll end up back there with you before too long, but we'll see.

I wish that I had the words to express just how much our time together meant to me. How much it means to me. How much you mean to me. You've been my rock through this entire tour, and I don't think I could have done any of this without you.

I never expected this. When Anderson told me I'd been assigned to the Normandy, I thought I was getting another short-term assignment...which, I don't mind saying, since this is only in a letter you're not likely ever to read, I was a little bit disappointed about when I was introduced to my new staff lieutenant. If it were only temporary, we wouldn't have a lot of time, and suddenly, I really, really wanted to have more time. We're not supposed to show that kind of thing, I know, with regs and all, but I know I wasn't the only one...even if I wasn't sure until our first visit to the Citadel.

It was so hard not to blush, but I couldn't help but be happy, since it seemed I'd affected you just as much as you'd affected me.

So many crazy things have happened since then. Council Spectre. Saren and Sovereign. Psychic monster plants and indoctrinated Asari matriarchs. Losing Ash on Virmire. Through it all, you've been there for me, you've watched my six and supported my decisions...

Hell. Even on my own omnitool, I have a hard time with words. All that makes it sound like I only appreciate you for what you've done for me on the mission. Which I do appreciate, of course I do. But tonight...you've also reminded me that there are things out there, out here, in this cabin...worth fighting for. You told me tonight I make you feel human. You...you make me feel...alive.

If this one night with you is all I ever get, I'll take it. The memories that we've made here will keep me warm forever. But I hope for more. More time, more of you, more of this...oh, how I hope.

I hope, too, that you never have to see this letter. I know that I'll be a hell of a lot better out there if you're with me, and as cheesy and horrible as I know it'll sound, I think you'll always be with me now.

Be safe out there, Kaidan. Take care of yourself. For me. For us.

-Jane

'Well, that was...clumsy,' Shepard thought to herself in mild but amused disgust as she shut down her omnitool. 'At least he'll never actually read it.'

Attention shifting from the now-dormant omnitool to her bed, Shepard's lips curved in a faint smile. Kaidan was sprawled across her bed, sleeping on his stomach, with the thin, Alliance-issue sheet tangled around his hips. It made her wonder how he managed in sleeping pods on a nightly basis. Or perhaps he was just taking advantage of the available space while he had it.

Still, she reasoned, watching the rise and fall of his back as he breathed, it was a rather inviting sight...the expanse of bare skin, the faintly shadowed curve of muscle, and thick, dark hair made messy by fingers and their combined exertions. He looked, she decided, almost thoroughly debauched, and her smile widened as she recalled the events of the several hours previous.

After a few more long moments admiring his body, Shepard shook herself back to reality, wondering why she was still sitting here across the room from him. Decision made, she climbed slowly back into bed, trailing a line of soft kisses up the length of Kaidan's back as she did so.

Kaidan stirred and turned toward her when she reached the nape of his neck; his brown eyes were hazy with sleep, but a drowsy smile tugged at his mouth nonetheless. "Hi," he murmured softly, lifting a hand to run his fingers through her own thoroughly mussed hair before they settled on her cheek.

"Hi yourself," came Shepard's equally quiet reply, her eyes half closed at the touch of his hand. She leaned in, deliberately pressing her chilled body to his, and tilted her head until her lips were close enough to brush against his when she spoke. "We're still a few hours out and I can't sleep. Care to help me fill the time?"

Untangling his free hand from the sheet, Kaidan slid his arm around her and gently pulled, to further close the distance between them. That sleepy smile deepened and he leaned forward that fraction of an inch to turn that brush of lips into a tender kiss. "I think I could manage that."

Shepard's answering smile was radiant. Her fingers tangled in his hair, her mouth opened under his, and for a long while, only their gasps of pleasure and murmured sweet nothings filled the room.

Spent, Shepard rested her head on Kaidan's shoulder, absently running the tips of her fingers over his arm while he slept. Sleep was still not an option for her; she felt energized, ready to face whatever waited for them on Ilos, more determined than ever before to pull herself and her crew through it all alive.

Doing her best not to disturb his sleep, she brushed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and carefully crept out of bed and into the shower.

When he woke, Kaidan knew he was alone, but the lingering warmth of the bed next to him indicated that he hadn't been for long. Glancing up, he spotted Shepard leaning against her desk and smiled, suddenly shy.

"Brought you coffee," Shepard offered, smiling. "Couldn't sleep, even after all that. I feel..."

Kaidan returned the smile and murmured, "I, ah, I know what you mean. It's been a long time since... well. I swear, if anything happens to you..." He closed his eyes against Joker's inevitable interruption, announcing their impending arrival to the Mu Relay, and sighed.

Shepard's reply was soft, understanding. "Me too, on all counts." Then, she straightened, her demeanor shifting from the passionate lover he'd just spent the night with to the indomitable Commander. "Get your gear, lieutenant. Time to end this."

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