Disclaimer: Homestuck and all its related characters belong to Andrew Hussie.
don't you hate it when authors leave long ass intros me too bye
"If you were a girl i daresay i'd love you"
The most unfair ultimatum you've ever heard. Despite this, you know it's unfair of you to be upset with him yourself. Wondering 'Why can't you just be gay?' is just as discriminate as 'Why can't you just be straight?' after all. That's what you tell yourself anyway; you've been alone this long, what's another eternity?
Jake is all there is for you. You've never really been one to open up and after the aforementioned sentence which was uttered electronically in taunting green letters from the one boy you may have considered revealing any feelings to, you don't see it happening in the future. Letting on to Jake that you don't give a pony growing wings and flying fuck which gender he is wouldn't accomplish anything; it'd just make him feel guilty and let's be honest-that'd suck more for you than for him.
You try to think of a way around this dilemma. In the game, you could prototype yourself to a kernelsprite along with a dumb movie poster of Neytiri the space furry or something. Jake would surely be all over you then…
…right?
No, he probably wouldn't. And you still wouldn't be a girl; you'd be as-male-as-they-come Dirk Strider in a sexy, blue, female body. Face it Strider, this is one problem you can't solve.
You look down at yourself, and you can't stand the sight of your own body; the one thing keeping Jake from giving you a chance. It's probably not even so much the difference in anatomy as it is that you couldn't be a proper 'damsel' for him. You don't fit the picture in his mind. You thought you could woo him with your talent for robotics, by sending him the adventures he craved for(in the form of none other than yourself), but that probably just drove you farther away from any romantic interest.
You thought you were so clever but it turns out, you were just naïve. So very naïve. Jake won't ever want you, and you've got to accept that.
Where does this leave you? Your goal, everything you've been looking forward to, your happiness; all of that is now unattainable. What counts as the next best thing to you is easy to discern-Jake's happiness. It's not like you haven't already been trying for that, all you have to do differently is subtract yourself from the equation. Completely. It's hard just being Jake's friend at the present and it would be like living in the seventh circle of hell if you had to watch him be with someone else. So, you think you'll get him with Jane and back the fuck off. That would be best.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TT: Jane. We need to talk.
GG: About what?
GG: To what honor do I owe Mr. Illusive-Strider in the flesh!
TT: Turns out that I've done a complete ollie FS 540 nosegrind off of the half pipe that happens to be an artery connected to none other than my very own myogenic muscular organ.
GG: …Say what?
TT: I've changed my mind about something.
GG: Oh boy! Now if only you would be so kind as to elaborate on what "something" is?TT: I don't like Jake any more.
GG: What! Well shucks, did you two get in some kind of fight?
TT: No, shit that came more illusive than intended, you were right in calling me "Mr. Illusive-Strider". I might just have to adopt that name, Jane. What I meant all names aside is that I don't like like Jake any more.
GG: Like like?
TT: Like like indeed.
GG: …
GG: I…see. What brought this on might I ask?
TT: Don't know. Just not feeling it. Why I'm telling you is because I wanted to give you the green light to drive your Janemobile right on to glorious English avenue. And if your engine stalls just put it in neutral and say the word, I will give you the mother of all pushes. You just sit there and look pretty.
GG: What? This is so sudden, I don't even know what to say! Are…are you sure about all this! You seemed to feel so…strongly? About him before.
TT: Sure as fucking Shirley VonSuremeister.
GG: Well, I can't argue with that! :B GG: But…what exactly is this "push" you speak of again?
TT: Don't worry about it. Just leave it to me and English will be head, pistols and everything in between over heels in love with you.
GG: Right. GG: You're not by any chance having an episode of your notorious irony right now, are you?
TT: I expected you to think that. Crocker, this shit's so sincere you could bake a pie with it. TT: Frosted with genuine flavored icing stuffed with heartfelt ice cream.
TT: Are you getting this Jane this is an ice cream cake of honesty.
GG: Ok. I believe you. Well…thanks for being so swell I guess!
TT: No problem. I'll keep you posted on any details.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
Head flat on your desk and hand tightly fisted, you already feel really shitty after such a bullshitted display of nobility and the weight of what you've really just done hasn't quite hit you yet. Talking to Jake into falling for Jane feels impossible. Not because he wouldn't do such a thing so much as you wouldn't do such a thing. Well, better get this shit over with before you lose your nerve. Won't Jake just be so delighted. Fanfuckingtastic. You begrudgingly open pesterchum.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
TT: Jake. You there?
GT: I most certainly am and ill be darned if i dont have some grand spanking good news!
GT: Forgive my eagerness. I wouldve messaged you sooner but ive been having quite the time trying to fit practically all i own into my rucksack!
TT: What.
GT: It seems that roxy has scrambled up enough uranium to send yours truly to a certain mr. strider's house with her appearawhatsahoosah! And will be carrying out said business "aspa" as she put it otherwise known as AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
GT: So hang on to your knickers and ill be there in the flesh faster than you can say pennywise and pound foolish.
TT: Pennywise and pound foolish.
GT: Dont get fresh with me give me a friggin minute!
Okay you're freaking the fuck out. Why is this something Roxy can just decide on a whim? Doesn't she realize how fucked you are right now? You just have to keep your shades on; he'll never know what you're really feeling if he can't see your eyes. This visit has got to be as unemotional and full of Jane directing love advice as humanly possible. Mathematically possible even. And what the fuck does "pennywise and pound foolish" even mean? Jake is such a fucking dork and all your disdainful feelings regarding your gender are suddenly resurfacing. You hastily open a new chat box.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
TT: Goddamn it, Lalonde. What do you think you're doing?
TG: holy shit man cnat u see im busy ; )
TG: ;; )
TG: ;;;;;;;;;;; )))))))000 !
TT: Stop that. Please tell me English has taken up extreme lying as his newest hobby.
TG: nup and b4 u say anythig 2 try and stop me i just want u 2 no that the only reasoin i tried so hard to make this hapen is cuz jakes been on my ass aobut it
TG: 4 like evr
TG: *hella sweet typops
TG: **o's
TT: Well, this shit is not exactly welcomed in light of what I've recently come to terms with.
TG: wats that
TT: That I've got to give up on him. Romantically speaking. And that he's better off with Jane.
TG: ofdosafisdfsf?
TG: dirk u r confuesd this is excactly the opposite of what u rly want
TG: idc abut ur midlove crisis im sending him now ok ttly
TG: *ttyl
TT: Wait.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
Before you can properly get your bearings and freak even more the fuck out, there's a quick flash of light in your room. The very source of all your inner turmoil is suddenly there, in your room, wide grin plastered on his face. You know you can't hug him. You can't kiss or touch or love the person now standing for the first time in your midst. This ultimatum that is Jake English. The most unfair ultimatum you've ever seen.
r&r~