SORRY. (again)

"Scout, where'd you learn to snap a neck like that?"

The boy stood next to the BLU Sniper, resting casually against the desk in the corner of the room. He had that proud look on his face again when he registered my question.

His thumb jerked toward Soldier. "Helmet-head."

We all stood in the BLU infirmary, around a monitor the Medic rolled in here a few minutes ago. All of us were here, save for the few we'd lost a while back.

"The boy needed to learn something besides running away, like the FRENCH!" The patriot stated solidly which elicited a sigh from beside of me.

The opposing Scout snorted from across the room while our own frowned disapprovingly. I was thankful that everyone was able to make lighthearted conversation again. The less we thought of the attack, the better everything felt. I actually couldn't wait for us all to split up again and fight like we were supposed to. Normalcy was welcome now- although I wouldn't categorize us as the most "normal" group of mercenaries.

Everyone else had gotten back from leave last night, which was a few days after the BLU Spy had stalked and almost murdered the three of us. It turns out no one had really sobered up after returning from El Paso. Our little group had passed out watching "Hillbillys in a Haunted House", which was pretty terrible as far as I remember. We were awakened after Tavish had busted an empty bottle of Scrumpy against the side of the base, mistaking a wooden beam for the Lochness Monster. Well, not everyone was drunk- one Medic was sober anyway.

While they were gone, we kept the BLU Spy locked in his own Respawn room, offering him food only once, which didn't prove worth it. I'd went to check what was taking Spy so long, and found them both rolling around and strangling one another. Not to mention the night he tried to escape through a vent- which failed miserably when he fell through and landed on top of Scout outside the infirmary.

I'd approached the BLU yesterday, yearning for the chance to apologize without the fear of dying. It went better than I expected, but not as well as I had hoped. Of course, I could never blame him for his hostility- he would probably be locked up in a max-security prison for life somewhere and it was all my fault. The BLU Engineer explained to me that capital punishment was abolished in New Mexico, so that was relieving. Sending him into a gas chamber would most likely be the last straw for my conscience. I felt better after speaking to him, though. Much better.

The BLU side of the base was beginning to feel like home, I realized, as I made my way towards one of the respawn rooms. I knew Spy was probably back there somewhere, invisible and keeping an eye on me, though I insisted it wasn't necessary. If he killed me I'd just wind up back on the other side of the base. I didn't care though- all I could think about was everything I wanted to say to the BLU whose life I'd mistakenly ruined.

When I reached the door, I couldn't help but feel like the hallway had gotten colder. All was silent, save for the soft buzzing of the lights above. I eyed the door, unsure if I should go in or not. Would he even listen to anything I said? It didn't matter- I needed this opportunity for my own peace of mind.

I heard something shift, then a familiar voice emitting from the other side of the locked door.

"What?"

For a moment, I didn't know what to say. Did he know it was me? I turned and slid down the stone wall beside the doorframe, taking off my hat and resting my elbows on my knees. I inhaled deeply before speaking. I may as well just be completely honest.

"I…I don't know what to say, Spy." My voice was low but I knew he could hear me- that was a part of his occupation.

For a moment, he didn't speak and I considered just leaving if he wasn't going to say anything to me. However, as I was about to lift myself off the ground, he spoke.

"I don't care anymore."

This surprised me, and again I found myself at a loss for words. All I could do was tuck my head between my knees painfully. What can you really say to someone who lost all they found precious? I'd always suffered through the guilt, but nothing hurt worse than enduring this talk as though it were even my place to initiate it. I had nightmares about this moment.

"Why?" I almost whispered.

"I've done all I could to make it feel right, but I don't believe it ever will."

A lump formed in my throat. This time I did whisper.

"I am so…so sorry for what I've done to you. I know words won't ever make you forgive me, but I have nothing else."

His tone was flat, lifeless. "Why would you want my forgiveness?"

I thought this over. A question I'd never really considered- I didn't think about it, I just did it.

"Because I just…", I sighed, shaking my head,"…I don't know what else will make this pain go away."

This time, I heard him shift beyond the wall behind me, but he didn't respond immediately. I waited, lifting my head. Tears were beginning to roll down my cheeks as I looked towards the door. Again I whispered: "I'm sorry."

What I heard next shocked me, and rendered me unable to say anything as the lump in my throat tightened.

I heard the man sob. Softly.

The tears began to pour uncontrollably, but I refrained from whimpering as I crawled over to sit in front of the door. I was a monster.

I gently pressed my hands against the bottom of the door, wishing he would say something else. Anything. I just wanted to hear something that would force away these nightmares, would exterminate the dark personality that slept in me. I wanted him to be happy, because it's what he deserved, it's how he was before I stole it away- for what? To try and murder a man I didn't know, for money from a man I didn't know? The time I spent here was like a dream, but I'll never forget the man who knew how to manipulate the part of me I wasn't even acquainted with. The man who just wanted to avenge his little girl, who he would never take to school, whose piano recitals he would never attend, whom he would never get to watch graduate and blossom into a young woman.

Then an image surfaced within my mind. My father.

My father whom had always been there when my mother wasn't. When Mom wasn't busy, she was disappointed in me. But Daddy- Daddy was always there. He was always at my soccer games, and never stopped smiling. I was never his disappointment- he would always love me, even as a killer- and I'm not sure he would be the same if he knew I were dead.

I couldn't take it. Sobs slowly began to shake my shoulders as I rested my forehead against the door shamefully. I had taken so much for granted- I'd given up my family for money and glory and tricked myself into thinking I was just doing it because I was meant to. I had lost control of my life and wrecked someone else's.

"It was a pleasure working with you, cher." He said gently.

Squeezing my eyes closed, I bit my lip before speaking,

"Yeah. You too."

I could take a hint but a part of me didn't want to leave until everything was better. This was too final. Nothing would ever be normal, though. I knew this.

I sat there for what felt like forever, just facing the door solemnly, eyes still streaming pathetically. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up into the face I found beautiful with or without his mask- that gentle and loving look that I'd only seen once or twice. He reached down and took my chin softly, tilting my face toward him.

"You've beaten yourself up quite enough, I think. Come on now."

I'm still not sure if he understood the whole situation, but I was incredibly grateful that he didn't ask questions. I stood slowly, accepting his outstretched hand. He was such a gentleman- something I was never used to. He wrapped a long arm around my shoulders and we walked away from the man who had made me realize what was wrong with my life. I took something valuable of his, and he gave me something back. I would never forget him- I couldn't.

Medic had finally established a connection to headquarters. We were all chattering amongst ourselves when he shushed us, gesturing to the screen we all surrounded. He fiddled with a speaker before a woman's face appeared. She was aged and seemed stern from the second I laid eyes on her. This must have been the Administrator- which was confirmed the moment she began speaking.

"Hello Doctor." She stated uninterestedly.

"Hello Helen." He responded in an equally flat tone.

I felt the room become tense- this woman must not play around. She didn't really scare me, though. I wasn't fearless but some woman in a suit that likes to strike the fear of God into people annoyed me if anything. I didn't like her the moment I saw her face. She just looked like an old, grumpy, potential lung-cancer patient to me.

"I see you're missing some of your team. I'm assuming that was the robots' doing."

"Yes ma'am, we lost a few men during the battle I'm afraid."

We watched her light a cigarette before she spoke. "Not to worry, we'll find replacements easily enough. Now, what's this I'm hearing about- a little quarrel amongst your men?"

The doctor acted as though he were going to turn around, but he changed his mind. His eyes were cast down now.

"I believe a couple of our members are…somewhat acquainted in a way. I apologize for our Spy's behavior. It seems he's not well."

I turned to look at the BLU Spy, who we'd tied to a chair in the corner of the room. I insisted it wasn't necessary, that I personally thought he wasn't going to harm us anymore, but his RED counterpart and the BLU Sniper wouldn't have it. He sat there, head bowed as though he were completely oblivious to everyone- soaked into his own thoughts.

"Hmm yes. I spoke to him before communication was cut off. He seemed upset." She exhaled carelessly. "Anyhow, just send him here through respawn tomorrow, and we'll take care of it."

Take care of it? I looked over to Scout, who shrugged.

"As you wish, Helen."

It seemed as though he wanted to cut the call as quickly as possible, but she spoke up before he could do so.

"Oh, and Doctor?"

"Hmmm?"

My stomach sank slightly when she pointed a bony finger in my direction through the monitor.

"Send her as well."

Everyone turned and looked at me. I didn't like the expressions on their faces. However, I stood my ground and gazed back at her, frozen and choosing not to say anything.

"Uh…yes. She'll be there." The Medic's face was questioning and tinged with worry when he glanced in my direction.

With that, she ended the call without so much as a goodbye. I didn't understand. What could I possibly have to face her for? I looked to my left at Spy, who shook his head as if to say I had nothing to worry about. I could tell, though- I could tell he wasn't sure himself. I suppose all I could do was wait and see what the problem was.

The sky was astounding tonight. Stars sprayed across the sky, shimmering and joyous. Shadows coated the rocky hills around the base, fell from each tower and silo gracefully across the ground bellow me. I sat out on roof of the red base, a bottle of bourbon by my side. The opposing Pyro brought it back from Texas, though I think he'd taken it from Tavish. To be honest, I had to go back to my room and let a few tears out because all I could think of was the night Pyro had offered me my own bottle of blush wine. The pain wasn't so severe now, but our losses still stung each of us every now and then.

I enjoyed the New Mexican air on nights like these, as chilly as it got at times. I had to admit I had some goosebumps here and there. The alcohol buzzed through me, warming my chest and face as I leaned back, legs splayed before me childishly. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, enjoying the sensation, trying my hardest to push Helen to the back of my mind. It was hard not to think about it, or the poor BLU who awaited his fate somewhere in the building across from me. Hopefully I would be able to talk her into taking it easy on him. He didn't deserve anything too harsh.

I was still leaning back and enjoying the night when I heard the familiar click of boots somewhere behind me. Opening my eyes again, I looked back and smiled up at the BLU Sniper who approached me with his own bottle of liquor. We didn't say anything upon his arrival but we didn't need to. One thing I found interesting about the man was when we were around one another, we didn't always need to communicate openly- locking eyes momentarily seemed to get the message across. It was an odd characteristic, but I appreciated there being someone around who seemed to understand me easily, and I think he felt the same. This little oddity helped us maneuver as we needed to during the fight.

I sat back up and took another sip from the bottle to my side.

"So", I spoke as I lowered the bourbon, "What was all that about earlier?"

He shrugged and thought for a moment. "Far as I know, none of us have been asked to see her directly. 'Cept the poor sheila the spook drove mad- I don't even think her presence was welcome up there. They never believed the bloke was that bad off."

I thought on it for a moment, realizing there were quite a few things I did that were against the rules. I slept with not only a member of RED, but BLU as well. I organized a mass drinking party, in which both teams fraternized with one another. But- wouldn't she request their presence as well? Surely I wouldn't be the only one held liable.

He nudged me with his elbow, breaking me from my thoughts.

"No matter what she says or does, you're gonna be alright. We're all here for you, regardless of our uniform."

There it was again. I cracked a smile, appreciative and slightly trembling. For once, I really believed it too. I had enough evidence by now to know that just because we were all killers, didn't mean we weren't capable of feeling. I wished Mom could understand it like I do now.

"I owe a lot to you." My smile widened. "If I come back, I'll buy us all a round in the next town."

He scoffed quietly. "And I'll put a round in ya head, special 'welcome home' gift."

I couldn't help but laugh. His especially light mood was comforting. We sat and talked about an array of things, from the robots, to guns, the company, and eventually our soon-to-be renewed contracts. If I had a say in it, I was making plans to stay on the base, seeing as I still hadn't been working here very long. I'd save some money and when I was ready and free to go, I'd try and head back to North America, assuming they had stopped their search for me and declared the case cold. I couldn't go now, though- I was too paranoid. Not only that, but there was a small part of me that longed to stay here, around people who had something in common with me. I'd probably never admit that out loud, but it was the truth.

"What are you gonna do?" I asked him, regarding his own contract.

He sighed, shaking his head slightly. "I don't know. Thought about headin' back to Adelaide. I still haven't decided, though."

I nodded understandingly- I recalled the photo of him with a boy that I found in his van. We were silent for a few moments before I drew my knees to my chest and spoke. "I think you should." Not that it was my business.

He looked at me, not expecting my opinion. "You think?"

I nodded before looking down at my feet solemnly. "If you have any family, you're probably like me and wished you never left in the first place. You probably feel like it might not be a good idea to go back now, after so many years."

I looked up to see he was still watching me before I continued. "But I'm older now, and I messed up- I can't go back, it more than likely would change nothing. But, a father-", the look I gave him was almost desperate, "-a father at his age will always be welcome. He's too young to know how to be bitter, so you should be there for him before that changes."

There was more I wanted to say, but I knew him enough not to pry too far into his business. I kicked myself when he did nothing but look down at the bottle in his hand, then back at the base ahead of us. Perhaps I'd treaded too far into unwelcome waters. I looked back down and didn't say a word, offering him silence.

"You're right."

I looked back up. He sat with a quietly solemn expression, eyes never moving from whatever he stared at ahead. I studied his face, but already knew it was almost impossible to read him- almost as unreadable as Spy. I found that the spook wore a blank expression because it was his job to never give anything away, but Sniper- it was just his personality. I respected him though, probably the most of all the other men on the base. He didn't demand it, but that made him all the easier to admire.

The night was silent, save for the sound of running water somewhere close by. After he didn't say anything for a while, I grew worried over what thoughts were running through his head. He sipped his beer without a word, and it was as though I'd disappeared. Silently, I raised a hand and rested it on his shoulder. He turned his head and gave me a small smile, reassuring me that he was alright. Then he held his bottle toward me. Grinning back, I gave it a tap with my own, causing a quiet clink.

"Cheers." We said in unison before seeing who could empty their drink first. I'm not sure who did and I don't believe he paid attention either. In conclusion, I launched my bottle at the ground below us with an obnoxious shatter, which caused the man to chuckle.

"You do it." I suggested.

"Sheila-", he leaned back, an amused expression on his face,"-why would I litter the ground I walk on with glass?"

"You don't walk down there."

"Yeah I do."

"You shouldn't."

With that, he narrowed his eyes and actually bared a few teeth when he grinned. "You got a point I s'ppose."

The man leaned forward on his knees, his face in a shadow of thought. He had his hat off and I'd never noticed how well-kempt his hair was. Not as beautiful as Spy's though.

Suddenly, Sniper chucked a bottle at the ground and a satisfied smile returned to his lips. He got it- as in he understood I why I did it.

"Y'mad?"

I blinked thoughtfully for a moment. Then I shook my head and searched for the cigarette I had tucked in my vest. They were scarce and the spook lent me one every now and then. Clicking the lighter open, I lit the cigarette silently.

It's not that I was mad. I just had a strange feeling about tomorrow, about speaking to the Administrator. I had a lot of bad feelings throughout my life, but I could tell which were genuine and which were only half thought-out. This meeting would be no good. The man to my right continued to watch me as I pondered my own instincts.

"You look a lot like me at that age, when you think like that. You feel like you have it figured out sometimes, but really, you're only trying to find yourself, mate."

"My purpose."

He nodded, pleased with my answer.

Smiling only half-heartedly, I scoffed a little. He was right- it took me a while to realize it, but I over-thought the process of almost everything.

"Just remember- never rely on anyone."

Slowly, I returned my gaze to his. It took a few moments to register it, but I suddenly realized he somehow knew about my past plight. He was insinuating that my missing the designated target is what landed me here in the first place. I was relying on RED to keep me safe, and alive while I agreed to test their weapons for them. I didn't know what to say past that. His sudden shrewd piece of advice had me at a loss for words.

He stood up and placed his hat on my head.

"You're a good kid, Reid. I don't much care for people, but I wouldn't mind runnin' into you again, later down the line."

I grinned appreciatively, pushing the hat up by the brim to watch him leave. "I'll see you sooner than you hope."

I heard a deep chuckle before he disappeared around the corner of the doorway. I was left with crickets and a full moon. I took in every detail of the buildings and towers and silos that surrounded me. I'd been atop almost every one since I joined. Smiling, I recalled hiding in the corners of the BLU base, picking people off from odd angles and positions. No one ever expects a Sniper's camp to be facing it's own base. It helped to keep the BLUs away from the entrance.

I'd never experienced such a …fun job- especially in a not-so-fun line of work. I didn't find murder enjoyable, but the attitudes of each man I worked with and killed alike made everything easier. Things were always lighthearted, and hatred left behind every corner- never to interfere with our jobs or our personal time.

"Yo."

Nearly startled, I turned to see Scout now hovering in the doorway.

"Hey kid." I smiled.

He returned the smile. "Me and some of the fellas are playing a few rounds of poker. Wanna join before Tavish pukes on the deck like he did last time?"

I decided I would have to cast that dreadful woman from my mind as soon as I saw Scout's face. Even if I was overthinking it- I'd still like to savor tonight for all it was worth.

"OHHH NOOOOO!" I heard Heavy bellow from somewhere further back in the base.

"Yeah, Spy's cheatin', so you'll have to bring your A-game, or bat your eyelashes, or whatever it is you do with that spook."

He approached me and extended his hand. I looked below me once more to see my BLU opposite heading back across the bridge to his own home. Then I accepted the Scout's offer and he hoisted me from the wooden floor.

"And what did Heavy bet?"

I followed behind him and heard him snicker when another roar emerged from the den.

"Natascha."

Eyes wide, I couldn't help but grin ear-to-ear. A French curse shot through the base and there were some shuffling feet nearby.

"We might have to do a little damage-control before we start the next game."

"Ya think?"

Final chapter is next!