Disclaimer:

I do not own the characters of Harry Potter, these belong to that wonderful author JK Rowling and the various publishing companies used to publish her works. I am however borrowing them, no not to make money but for fun and fun only.

Summary:

The Harry Potter Characters react to fan-fiction via letters, yes it is going to be brutal, and yes egos will be crushed (mine of course) so here we go!

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First is a Letter by Severus Snape:

Dear Writers,

Dear fan-fiction writers, and I use that term very loosely it has come to my attention that you seem to think you know me quite well in writing. This is not the case, most of you, for some strange reason like to cast me as homosexual. I find this odd, now I know there are those out there that are, I worked for one after all but I am not that way. I don't fully understand why a man would chose to be with a man, I mean it is his choice after all but men are crude, harsh and not at all appealing.

I would rather kill than sleep with Sirius Black, the same can be said for Remus Lupin, the bloody werewolf tried to eat me after all! Let me make this clear, I hate Sirius Black even more than James Potter and that is saying something as I hated James, he of all people not only made Hogwarts a living hell for me but got Lily killed. Sirius Black is evil and cruel but everyone just saw a poor mistreated man thrown in Azkaban for something he did not do. They forget he attacked an innocent boy and nearly killed him and tried to curse me when I got the thankless job to teach his godson to defend his mind. Remus Lupin did not take his Wolfsbane and thought a romp outside on the full moon with students was a great idea. I will never forgive him for that, if I had my way I would kill him for his reckless actions.

Now onto kinder things, women, ah the delights of women, the softness of their skin, their soft and supple bodies, the way they walk and talk. Well most of the time the way they talk, I have been the unfortunate victim of many a tongue lashing by the fairer sex and it is not pleasant. I love to woo women, I know I am not the most attractive man but I can make up for that with wit and charm. On that note I will never sleep with a woman unless it is what she truly wants and I make sure to be honest with her if all I wish is sex. If she is willing I will make that a night she will remember for a long time and make sure that she feels honored by my actions.

Note that I said women, I do not like teens of either sex, not even female teens. I get headaches not heartache from them. If I were to end up with say Hermione Granger, she would have to be at least in her twenties for me to even want to have anything to do with her. She was annoying in school, a bloody walking encyclopedia and a little girl. As I said if she remained unmarried into her twenties then we could talk, but to pair me with a student is madness, I could not betray a student or the oaths and such I took on becoming a teacher. The same goes for any other student, for paring me with male students this is even worse to me than female students and you know my views on that.

Now as for Harry Potter, the only way he would be my son is if Lily had drugged me and had sex with me or she had some how stole my seed as it were. I would not and could not sleep with a married woman, even Lily! Especially Lily. Adopting Harry, if the brat had needed a new guardian and I was the only one to do so I would. However even if the brat were say abused by his relations I would not coddle him and he would not be my son, ever. Though I would not abuse him I would make sure he could stand on his own two feet, he did prove in the end he could do that. I was wrong about him being arrogant in school but I was not wrong about him being lazy. He was, if I had my way he would have never taken a class with Sybil but would have taken ancient Runes and Arthmancy and liked it.

He wasted his school years as far as I am concerned and he cheeked me in the first potions class I had with him. He did not bother to read his potions book as the questions I asked him the answers were in the text. He attacked me in the shrieking shack and when I risked my life to teach him Occulumency the brat did not even try to learn! Then he tried to blame me for Sirius Black's death, that was Bellatrix's fault not mine. He did try to kill Draco. In the end he did get rid of the dark lord and I am grateful for that, he started to act more like his mother and I dearly hoped he continued with that.

As for Dumbledore, I do not like him anymore, not after what he did to me and Harry Potter. I don't care what people think of him that was cruel and wicked what he did to force me into my first kill. Yes I said first kill, I never even killed under the dark lord. I will never forgive him for that, though he did spare my life he never did save Lily and in the end didn't even care for Harry. I still cannot see why the bloody brat who lived named his child after that vile man. As for the snake bite, this to Miss Rowling, I am a potions master, do you really think a snake bite would kill me?

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

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Yes Severus is Harsh here, but truthful, he was one to be rather blunt in the books after all.