Inspired by Aimeefran's gorgeous video "I'm only human" which can be found on youtube. So all praise to her for the idea for the story and a thousand thanks for letting me write a version of it. There will be more – I have got totally carried away with the angst!

The quotes in the middle at the beginning of each section are from the lyrics of the song used in the video – 'Flowers for a Ghost' by Thriving Ivory.

"who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins?"

...

It ends when Gill walks out the door.

It ends when Rachel blinks.

...

'I've got to go.'

The words murmured close against her ear drew Rachel gently from sleep. She groaned and turned her face into the pillow. It must be the middle of the night. She became aware of a hand tracing intricate patterns on the small of her back, delicate fingers sending shivers through her in spite of her sleepiness. Gill would often wake her up with sex. Rachel suspected she liked the control. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about it sometimes, but it would be pointless trying to deny that she liked it when the evidence was overwhelmingly to the contrary. Now, she rolled over and squinted up at the other woman. Her boss, her lover. The room was dark but they had left the landing light on and the door was slightly open. In the half light, Gill's face was shadowed and hard to read. She was already dressed, Rachel noticed, so she really was leaving soon. Stay. Rachel wanted to say it so badly. She wanted to pull off the neat skirt and blouse and wrap herself around the bird-like frame and fall asleep together. She wanted to open her eyes in the morning and find her still there. But Rachel knew that wasn't going to happen. Both of Gill's hands were roaming over her skin now and she leaned down to kiss her. Rachel responded. Stay. She tried to imbue it into the kiss. Stay. She practised saying it in her head. Stay. But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't bear to hear the no that would inevitably be the answer. So she let Gill lead the situation and she reacted because she couldn't help herself.

'I've got to go,' Gill murmured again when Rachel lay there gasping. She stood and moved away before Rachel could even reach over to kiss her again.

'Gill,' Rachel sat up. The smaller woman paused in the doorway, turned back to look at her. Stay.

'What?'

'Erm. See you later.' She tried to smile. Only managed to look vaguely confused.

'See you later kid.' Rachel just caught sight of the wink as Gill turned on her heel and headed off down the landing. She would let herself out. Again.

Rachel flopped back on the mattress. How the hell on earth had she got herself into this situation? The boss's dirty little secret. No, that was unfair. Gill had done a lot for her and they both wanted to keep their relationship quiet, for countless reasons. Janet knew, of course, but Janet was different. They made a good pair in a lot of ways, she and Gill. Rachel was fascinated with Gill's mind. They could talk for hours. Gill was never tired of answering her questions. Rachel still thrilled every time she saw Gill's brain making a special leap, and the effort of constantly trying to keep up with her, to surprise her, was an added excitement. They shared an obsession with their work. And the sex was phenomenal. The chemistry that often led them to bang heads in the office was highly combustible in private. They literally could not keep their hands off each other. Rachel couldn't remember the last time she had been with a lover who wanted her so much, who wanted to please her so much. It hadn't half put a spring in her step. But... she wanted more. It wasn't the secrecy of their relationship that bothered her exactly, though that helped feed her insecurities. It was more that she was starting to feel like she didn't really matter. Rachel was starting to find that sex and conversation weren't enough. Gill could get anyone for that. When they were at work, Gill was absolutely the boss, not a hint of intimacy or impropriety. And when they were together outside work, there was always a little distance. She felt like she still hardly knew the woman she climbed into bed with, no matter how close they seemed. Gill never stayed the night. That was really starting to bother Rachel. She had never been one to be clingy, at least not outwardly so, but sometimes she wished that she could be. She wished that someone would notice that actually she wanted someone to hold onto as hard as she could and never let go, someone who would hold her back. Someone who would never leave her. Rachel huffed disconsolately at the ceiling. She couldn't say it though. Just couldn't. It wasn't in her to ask for that sort of thing. She didn't know how. Anyway, life wasn't like that. She reached for the duvet and dragged it over her head, huddling up in a ball. She had Gill. Six months ago she couldn't have dreamed of being so lucky.

...

Gill drove home through the darkest patch of the night, with Rachel on the brain. That was happening a lot. She was pretty special. It was getting harder and harder to leave each time. Tonight, Gill had lain beside her, listening to her breathe as she slept. Her chest had ached with how much she cared for her. Rachel was bright, beautiful, passionate, and wild. Gill felt very very vulnerable as she lay there. She shifted slightly to look at her face, features sleep soft. It was always hard to believe that a sleeping person could be cruel but, in Gill's experience, when they opened their eyes they so often were. This woman held Gill's heart in her hands and she probably didn't even realise it. Gill wasn't entirely sure she would care if she did. There was a wild streak in Rachel that had always attracted her and made her nervous at the same time, for both of them. Rachel could lash out, she could hurt and be hurt by her own fierceness. And Gill was aware that, against her better judgement, she was falling for her hard. She had tried to keep a hold on the situation. She had tried to keep her feelings locked out of it right from the very start. In fact, for a long time she had shut off all pleasant emotions connected with Rachel Bailey, only allowing herself to feel annoyance or impatience or sometimes real anger towards her. Occasionally, the tiniest glimmer of pride had broken through her defences but she had shut it down as fast as she could. It was only when she fell headlong into a pit of disappointment and hurt at Rachel's behaviour towards that dick Nick Savage that real emotion had broken through on her. After that, she had been forced to face the fact that she really cared enough about Rachel to want to keep her on her team, enough to put her own neck on the line for her, enough to tell her. And things had gone from there, so that when Gill finally reached out to Rachel, and Rachel turned in her arms and kissed her, neither of them had been surprised. But feelings, once acknowledged even in the slightest, were hard to put back in their box. Now – now dammit, she was trying desperately not to admit to herself that she had fallen in love with her. Because that was what the problem was, Gill knew. She was stupid enough and crazy enough to fall in love again, and with Rachel bloody Bailey of all people. She hated it. It made her feel weak and scared and so fucking vulnerable and she hated that. Because she didn't trust Rachel. She wanted to. Oh God she wanted to. But she couldn't. She couldn't have trusted anyone probably, but... well... what did she have to keep Rachel wanting her? Bright, beautiful and wild – she could have anyone. Gill was realistic. She wasn't young, she wasn't beautiful, she didn't have any faith in good sex being enough to keep a person faithful, and surely Rachel would get tired of picking her brains one day. Move on. Yes, Rachel cared about her. Maybe she even loved her. Gill spat out a deprecating laugh. Not bloody likely, but it was possible. It didn't matter either. Dave had loved her and he had still cheated. It obviously wasn't enough. So Gill wasn't going to get too attached. She wasn't going to believe in the fairytale. She was going to keep her distance no matter how hard it was and how much it hurt to leave. Each time a little worse.

By the time she pulled into her driveway, the pre-dawn was beginning to glimmer over the moors. It was absolutely freezing. Gill's teeth chattered as she unlocked the door and tiptoed in. She didn't want Sammy to realise how late she was. She was still shivering as she buried herself under the duvet to get another hour or two of sleep, hopefully – if her phone didn't ring. Gill pictured Rachel as she had left her. She could still smell her on her own skin. If she tried hard enough she could almost imagine Rachel wrapped around her. A perfect of Rachel. One who would never betray her.

...

'Morning.' Janet smiled breezily at Rachel as she came into the toilets. Rachel was leaning against one of the sinks, staring at her reflection. Her eyes in the mirror flicked to follow Janet's reflection but otherwise she didn't move. 'Are you all right?'

'Yeah,' Rachel sighed. She dropped her head on her hands for a moment then looked up. 'I'm fine.'

'Ok.' Janet shut herself in a toilet but she wasn't going to let it drop. She called over the closed door, concern in her voice. 'Is everything ok with... you and her ladyship?' dropping into a stage whisper on the last two words. She couldn't see Rachel's face but she heard her slump over the sink again. Ahhh, thought so, Janet mused. Just a guess, just an instinct.

'What's happened?' It was complicated, having Rachel seeing Gill; she was friends with them both. She and Gill had been friends the longer, but she was closer to Rachel these days. Janet felt she could talk to Rach easier and she liked the way the younger woman would confide in her too. Although they had seen each other through some of their worst moments over the years, Janet felt that she and Gill often wouldn't tell each other about their problems until the last possible moment, to try and spare the other or something. She cared about her though. If Gill and Rachel were having problems then Janet was going to be very worried about them both.

'Rach?' she pressed her point, as Rachel's only answer was a sigh. 'Did something happen?'

'No it's not like that,' Rachel responded eventually. 'It's just...' she trailed off again. Right, thought Janet. She was going to have to get to the bottom of this. She left it until she was washing her hands and could watch Rachel's face in the mirror, read her expressions.

'So,' she prompted her with a sympathetic smile. Rachel didn't smile back. She looked deeply sad as she spoke.

'I think I'm going to finish with her.' Janet's eyes went wide.

'Why?'

'Because,' Rachel held her gaze, through the mirror, 'I don't think she loves me and it's not working. Most of the time, I feel like I'm her toy.'

'Rachel!' Janet was shocked. 'You do know she cares about you.' Janet looked at her friend incredulously. How had things got this bad?

'Does she?' Rachel's face was blank. She really doesn't believe it, Janet thought. Gill hadn't said anything, but Janet suspected that she actually cared very deeply for the dark-haired young detective. If Rachel couldn't see it though, there must be something very wrong. Janet took her time before speaking again. She turned around and hitched herself up to sit on the counter, leaned back against the glass.

'What's brought this on?' she asked, trying to fathom the situation. Rachel gave a momentous shrug, as if to say everything. Janet eyed her. Rachel should know she wasn't going to get away with that, not with her.

'One minute, she's all over me and it's wonderful and great and all that. Then the next, she's practically ignoring me, walking out.' Rachel trailed off again. She had spent the last part of the night, alone, working herself into a right state. She looked at Janet with tears in her eyes.

'I'm thirty-two. I want to be more than a good shag and a starry-eyed lackey. I want to be special to someone.'

'You are special.' Janet spoke softly but firmly. She looked at Rachel steadily until the other woman met her eyes. The tears spilled over as she did so. Janet felt her heart lurch. She forced herself to remain still. Rachel swiped at her face with the palm of her hand.

'Sorry.' She leaned in closer to Janet. 'I'm sorry.' Janet lifted a hand and pushed Rachel's hair back off her face. She held her hand against Rachel's cheek, still damp and sticky with tears. Rach really was a mess.

'You should talk to her.' Rachel went very still. She looked at Janet, hard in the eye. Janet felt her swallow, jaw working against the heel of her hand.

'Yeah.' Rachel's voice was serious. 'Yeah you're right.' Janet let her hand drop. Something had shifted. She blinked at Rachel, trying to work it out. Rachel sniffed deeply, wiped her eyes, more carefully this time, and managed a small smile.

'D'you fancy a night out? You and me. Get hammered. Tonight.'

'Okay,' Janet thought she ought to be wary, suggest that perhaps they not get too drunk on a work night. Then she noticed the eagerness in Rachel's expression, somewhat soggy and battered round the edges, but expectant and hopeful all the same. It was the brightest she had seen her eyes this morning and Janet couldn't refuse. 'Why not?' Rachel grinned suddenly. She reached out and grabbed Janet by the waist, making her jump.

'You and me pal. We are going to paint the town red.' Janet couldn't help laughing at her sudden levity. It also helped disguise the fluttering in her belly that had been sparked by Rachel's hands. She might have sounded a little high-pitched but she didn't think Rach would notice. That was something Janet would rather keep to herself at this stage. A night out would be good, help Rachel unwind, cheer her up; she clearly needed it. There was one thing though. Janet hopped down from the counter and leaned against it while Rachel dug in her bag for some make up. Just one thing, one more serious note that Janet needed to sound before they finished this conversation.

'You are going to talk to Gill, aren't you?' Rachel stilled, mascara half way to her eye.

'Yes,' she said seriously, 'I am.' Janet made a sympathy face. Poor Rach. Things were never simple.

...

It ends when Gill walks out the door. Again. Again.

It ends when Rachel blinks and misses the love hiding in her eyes.

It begins when Janet raises her head.