October 31st, 2008

Kanaya of all people managed to drag him out of the bar that night. He wasn't drunk, but he was in serious danger of starting a fight with the younger Strider brother. Karkat and Dave were always at each other's throats. It was clear he'd had a bad day, and Kanaya lectured him on drinking his troubles away as she pulled him along down the sidewalk. He had gone with Sollux and Aradia that night, but they left without him. Kanaya met them there, but she, like Karkat, found herself far removed from their other friends as they chattered and giggled in hushed tones only to each other. It increased with the amount of alcohol consumed. It left the other two in the awkward position of making conversation with each other while the other couple conversed so vibrantly. The only thing they had in common was their unusual admiration of gossip among their circle of friends. It would only be rude to engage in it with two of them right there, however. Kanaya had barely gotten through a pint by the time Sollux and Aradia stumbled out of the pub, cackling gleefully all the way back to their flat. How happy they were. She didn't have what they had, nor had she ever. For a long time, she had been pining for a certain female friend of hers, but that was never going to happen. The only person who knew that was the one she was dragging along the street with her as she pushed past the nightlife crowd on their way to various downtown clubs and pubs.

"Can you at least let me walk you to your flat?"

They managed to grab the bus that lead back to their modest neighborhood in the city. It was soon before her stop and the question surprised her. "Why?"

"Mine's only about a block away. Sometimes I don't know about these places at night." Karkat was asking sincerely, but his voice was gravelly and dark, as it usually was.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay. If it makes you feel better, I have no objections." A slight blush tinged her cheeks. It was just the alcohol, she told herself. She always was a bit of a lightweight.

He replied only with a nod. As they got off the bus and made their way to the tiny fabric store that her flat sat above, Kanaya suddenly had an idea. She looked down at the man, as she was much taller than him in her shoes. As much as he would never admit to it, he cared about her. He cared about a lot of people.

She hesitated once they got to her door. "Would you care to come inside?" Her voice was slight, her posture becoming shy.

It clearly caught him by surprise. "Why?" he relayed the same question to her.

"I don't know, we haven't had the best night, maybe we could have a cup of tea? Just to keep each other company?" She was on the brink of stuttering, her heart speeding up in her chest.

Karkat finally shrugged. "Sure, why the fuck not?"

She fumbled for her keys, nearly dropping them before unlocking the door to the shop. She locked it again before ascending the stairs to the narrow hallway with a single door. The inside was in its usual state, clean to the point of sparkling, save for her sewing desk, which was always a tip. It was a tiny place, but remarkably well organized for someone with such large collections of stuff. Karkat kicked off his trainers before taking a seat on her single small couch in the middle of the room. Perched atop a small shelf was a small television that didn't get much use. Kanaya felt anxious as she put the kettle on to boil, her fingers nearly shaking as she plunked teabags into two cups. This was stupid.

"That's the last time I hang out with those two," Karkat muttered, breaking the silence. Kanaya chuckled.

"You always say that."

"I mean it this time. Every time I try to have a normal time out with them, it turns into them having too much and going home to do god knows what horrible, unspeakable things."

"It's not that bad is it?"

"Yes, yes it is bad, Kanaya. So fucking bad, people being in love and shit."

"Oh?" The water began to boil and she shut off the stove, pouring it into the cups. "They're in love?"

He grunted. "Christ, do you not pay attention? Everyone knows it."

Kanaya brought the tea over, sitting next to Karkat, letting it steep on the table in front of them. "Please, Mr. Vantas. Is this information even public, because I would have heard about it already."

"Oh, it's certainly fucking public, in case you haven't noticed. They're moving in together."

"Really? I haven't heard that. Took long enough." She bit her bottom lip, staring at her tea becoming progressively darker. "Do you know about Eridan and Feferi?"

"I do not give a fuck about them, if that's what you're asking."

"It's just that he's been sick for so long, obviously, and I guess Feferi's been making him feel better."

"Well, good for him. Really, as much as I don't care, I'm glad he isn't dead."

"You're not understanding what I'm saying." All she had to do was give him a knowing expression, and his face softened in understanding.

"Oh, okay, I get it. Fuck, why is everyone in a happy relationship? Everyone is too fucking happy."

Kanaya giggled. "I'm not sure what he had, but there were rumors it was HIV, though it seems very unlikely."

"Don't even start. I don't want to know. Strider and Terezi broke up just yesterday." Karkat picked up his cup, sipping gently on the steaming liquid. "Thank god. I can't stand to see that prick happy. That's good news."

"Did you hear about Roxy's near DUI?"

"I did. Fucking hilarious. And Jane?"

"Her incident with John? Tragic."

"Fucking hilarious."

A laugh escaped her as she brought the tea to her lips. Karkat was always there to indulge her need for gossip. They exchanged secrets for a good while, Karkat becoming noticeably less angry and more relaxed. They could only ever talk when they were alone, since it was usually about other people. It was a filthy habit, she understood, but it was only one weakness she had. The other was presenting itself at the current moment, and as Karkat put it, everyone was too fucking happy in relationships. She hadn't gotten any for months, and her own prospects of being too fucking happy in a relationship weren't looking good. The thought had never crossed her mind before, and she had never done anything of the sort, but Karkat just had a way with people, specifically her. She wondered if he thought about it, too. As far as she knew he never had a girlfriend. (Boyfriend? Maybe it was all pointless.)

No, she could never do it. How could she ask of something like that? Even if it was only supposed to be a one-night thing, there was no way.

No fucking way.

She started by casually placing her hand on his knee, letting it creep upwards ever so subtly as they became more engaged in conversation. She tried to come off as confident as she always was, but her shyness didn't escape Karkat's notice. She never giggled or hunched her shoulders the way she did. He didn't object when she moved in to kiss him, much to her surprise.

Awkward was an understatement for their encounter, and unsatisfying unfortunately accurate. Karkat fumbled with the buttons on her shirt, and even more so with the clasp on her bra. Her hands still shaking from nervousness, Kanaya managed to get his jacket off his shoulders before they moved to her bedroom. She felt herself becoming more self-conscious than ever as they stripped off; perhaps it was her sharp hipbones or her slightly protruding ribs from underneath her skin. She really was rail thing, but so was Karkat as she soon found out. He showed no sign of wanting to stop. His mouth moved tentatively across her neck and collarbone, giving her gooseflesh, and finally the first inklings of real desire. She couldn't decide where to put her hands. The back of his neck? Too loving. On his chest? Too lustful, and he wasn't that impressive. It wasn't hard to find a rhythm after a mostly successful round of foreplay, but it was difficult for her to get any joy when he rolled his hips into hers. The frustrated ball of stress never even began to leave her. She pushed his body away softly from hers, giving him a disappointed look. She gave up as he gently got off of her, turning to the side. Her face flushed with shame and embarrassment, she gripped the bed sheets tightly to her body.

Suddenly, Kanaya felt the desire to disappear completely, to be far away from Karkat's gaze. It was silent between them before he reached out to touch her shoulder. She flinched, but his fingers trailed down her back.

"Tell me what's wrong," he said hoarsely, trying to sound tender, but his voice held undertones of annoyance. It caught her by surprise. "Obviously you needed a shag. So what was that about?"

She tried to give him a dark look, preparing a snarky comeback, but it faded into sadness. "Have you ever gotten the feeling you care about people more than they care about you?"

He didn't answer straight away. "Yes. And if you're referring to the assholes we have as friends always depending on you for advice, I understand."

A small smile cracked through her forlorn expression. His hard, insulting tone was back. "I'm not looking for anything, all right? I just–"

"–needed to get laid, I get it. And I also guess this is your first attempt at hooking up. Could've had any random stranger and you went for me."

She sighed, rubbing her eyes. "Yes, but I'm thinking now what I really need is more than that."

"And just so we're clear, that's not from me, right?"

"Correct."

"Who, then?"

"Vriska." She didn't hesitate, feeling her tense muscles relax at the admission. Immediately she took it back when she heard the chuckling next to her.

"How does that not surprise me? One of the lowest fucking forms of the nastiest human garbage and you love her."

Kanaya glared. "What does me loving her supposed to mean, then?"

His gaze softened apologetically. "That's not what I'm saying. It doesn't matter, I won't judge."

"You don't know her like I do, Karkat."

The silence returned between them, but Kanaya wasn't feeling any better. Karkat broke the silence again, mumbling, "It doesn't have to do with me, does it?"

"What? Oh, um, no, it wasn't you..."

"Okay."

"You are surprisingly good."

"Surprisingly?"

"Yes. I wasn't expecting it."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, I think maybe I should get home. It's probably empty considering Gamzee is never around these days." He was about to swing his legs over the edge of the bed, but Kanaya grabbed his arm.

"No, I'm feeling better. But not better enough." She smiled, and he nearly returned it, moving in to kiss her again.

It didn't matter to her exactly who she went home with that night, but she was glad Karkat had been with her. Later when they lay next to each other, the second round going much better than the first, she found her fingers curling around his. Eventually his arm was around her shoulder and her head rested on his chest. They didn't need to say anything, but it was clear Kanaya needed him to stay for the night. Her eyes were heavy when he broke the silence, his voice gravelly and husky with tiredness.

"Sure you don't want me to call you?"

"Don't."

He left in the morning as if it never happened, and she was glad to wake up alone. As much as she needed the closeness and security of another person, it would never be Karkat. And with the fleeting moments of temporary satisfaction disappearing by the following evening, she was reminded of the usual gnawing loneliness absorbing her when the night fell. It was she who called Karkat within a week, dragging out their affair for six weeks before she could handle being alone again.

July 17, 2010, 20:00 – Redhouse Pub

to: Sollux [TA]

from: Karkat [CG]

CONSIDERING YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING ME, I'M ASSUMING YOU'RE NOT COMING HOME ANYTIME SOON. FINE. LEFTOVERS ARE ALL FOR ME ASSHOLE. I DON'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT IF YOU'RE DEAD IN AN ALLYWAY OR SOMETHING.

to: Karkat [CG]

from: Sollux [TA]

je2u2 chrii2t im ju2t out wiith aa

"Thanks for coming with me."

"Well, I don't think you would have enjoyed coming here on your own with Aradia and her new boyfriend." Feferi finishes off her glass of wine, noticing that Sollux hasn't even made it halfway through his. She gestures to the bartender to bring another to her. "It really bugs me that she does this, Sollux. Does she have any idea?"

He feels his heart skip in his chest as she hit a sensitive spot. "No, she never did because I never told her. I mean it's just awkward now it's no trouble. I don't want to cut her out completely."

She shakes her head, taking another rather long gulp form her glass. "I never understood that. We are friends, but I never got how she seemed to get over you so quickly."

"So it seems."

"Seems like she's kind of a bitch."

Sollux almost spits out his merlot, choking out a laugh into his glass. "Christ, how much have you had to drink?"

Feferi frowns while swishing the dark red liquid around her glass. "I didn't mean that. Cap me off, Captor." She's drinking awfully fast that night. She knows her limit, but she hasn't been drunk for a long time. Usually when she was drunk, she wasn't fun and bubbly like everyone thought she would be. After passing her tipsy stage, she was known to insult even her closest friends, and eventually break down into a sobbing mess.

Sollux is the first to spot Aradia walking into the pub, but she's alone. They make eye contact and she smiles, making her way towards him, swerving around tables until she's throwing her arms around Sollux's neck in embrace.

"Hi, it's good to see you!" she exclaims, giving Feferi a hug and a kiss on the cheek. When Aradia isn't looking, she rolls her eyes at the statement. They saw each other only a few days ago.

"No Equius?" Sollux asks right away.

"Oh, no, something came up. How are you?"

It's obvious how annoyed Feferi is by Aradia's presence after being given the recent information from Sollux. She ignores her voice of reason telling her to stop drinking, and orders another glass from the perturbed bartender. Sollux feels the inebriated anger coming off her in her short answers to questions and refusal to engage in conversation. It gives him more time to focus on his ex, seeing her face light up in the golden glow of the pub. Feferi had a point. When Aradia broke it off with him, she left him alone a few weeks after she moved out. Soon after, she was texting him as if they had both magically healed. Sollux was nowhere near ready at the time, but he kept his mouth shut. He had never been in a previous relationship with anyone else. He could blame it on not knowing how to set boundaries, but he could never admit to himself that he was in fact clinging to the notion of getting back together with her. He let go of that a long time ago, but still couldn't get over her when he saw her so often.

Aradia seems uncomfortable somehow, and it's not just because of Feferi becoming progressively more aggressive. She admits she and Equius got in a fight before they came and he was staying at home. Apparently he brought up the idea of them living together.

"You've been dating for a few weeks, holy shit, Aradia."

"I know! It just freaked me out," she replied, frowning as Feferi swayed slightly back and forth. "He's crazy about me, though. I'll forgive him later."

"That's a bit forward, though," Sollux said snidely. "Does he not know how relationships work? Christ."

"He just thought he was so ready, it was kind of cute." She blushes and Feferi audibly scoffs. "Are you okay? You seem a little edgy tonight."

"I'm edgy? Look at Sollux!" she retorted, the one next her recoiling in shock.

"What the hell?" he asked. "I think you've had enough..."

22:00

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering [CA] caligulasAquarium

CG: HEY ASSHOLE.

CA: yeah wwhat kar im in the middle of somethin important here

CG: BULLSHIT YOU'RE JUST WATCHING SOME STUPID MOVIE.

CA: do you really wwant to argue over wwho wwatches stupid movvies?

CG: NEVERMIND.

CG: HAS FEFERI COME BACK YET.

CA: no wwhy

CG: CAPTORS BEEN OUT WITH HER AND ARADIA.

CA: im really not seein the point to this convversation kar

CG: OKAY. I'M DONE WITH THIS. MAYBE YOU CAN TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM.

CG: IT'S OBVIOUS TO EVERY FUCKING PERSON ON THIS PLAIN OF EXISTENCE THAT HE NEEDS TO STOP HANGING AROUND HER BECAUSE SHE MAKES HIM MISERABLE.

CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE FUCKING TOLD HIM BUT IT DOESN'T GET THROUGH HIS UNBEARABLY THICK SKULL.

CA: obvviously

CA: so wwhat do you wwant me to do about it

CG: I DON'T KNOW. FUCKING TELL HIM THAT. BECAUSE HE MUST THINK I'M CRAZY.

CA: an howw am i to go about doin this

CA: hey sol so youre a miserable bastard wwhen you hang out wwith your ex girlfriend and you should probably stop

CG: YES. EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

CA: you are fuckin crazy

CG: I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ARADIA'S FAULT OR ANYTHING.

CG: HIS DUMB ASS NEVER TOLD HER ANYTHING WAS WRONG.

CA: ill see wwhat i can do

The door to the flat opened and two figures walk in the door. The lights flick on and Eridan squints, the sudden brightness hurting his eyes. Sollux is propping Feferi up with an arm around her shoulders. Eridan pauses the screen playing The Two Towers and looks over at his two friends.

"What happened?"

"Feferi got drunk and had a little mishap," Sollux quips. Fef pulls away from his support. Eridan just snickers.

"I called her a bitch," Feferi sighs and walks off to the bedroom. "Thanks for taking me home Sollux."

He nods but Eridan just snickers. "You should see her really wasted, she's a bit of a scrapper."

"Fuck off," she snarled at him with only a hint of sarcasm before closing the bedroom door.

"You're looking better," Sollux muttered. "Fef told me you were pretty sick this morning."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, just a bit ill." He gestures, offering Sollux the seat next to him. "So what was her problem tonight?"

Sollux's upper lip curled, his expression one of agitation. He exhaled deeply, crossing his arms defensively before sitting next to the other. "She called Aradia a 'cockteasing bitch', actually, and started making accusations about her leading me on."

Eridan raised an eyebrow, feeling his head spin slightly. Perhaps it was Karkat's lucky night after all. "Yeah, well, she's drunk, and she really needs to come with a warning label."

"No kidding." He frowns, his head filled with thoughts. To him, her comments weren't just inebriated outbursts with no real meaning. Somehow Feferi's drunken raving got to him. Eridan's eyes narrow and he looks back at the screen, not seeing any reply from Karkat. "Not there's any merit to those words, right?"

"No, I know." His voice is insincere and there's a silence between them. Eridan taps passively on the edge of his laptop and clears his throat.

"Well, maybe Fef was a bit harsh, but Sol-"

"Yeah, alright, I know what you're going to say." Sollux gets up from the couch and heads to the door.

"Hey, no, wait! Sol, can you please just..." He turns around to look at Eridan, a slightly pained expression on his face. "Can we please just be a couple of girls and talk about your feelings for a minute?"

He rolls his eyes and turns back towards the door. "See ya later, ED."

"Fine, no, Fef is wrong. There's nothing wrong with Aradia, it's you."

Sollux sighs without turning around. "Did KK put you up to this?"

"Yes, but that's not the point, and for fuck's sake, it's not bloody healthy to keep it all bottled up. That's how people do crazy shit, trust me."

Sollux turns around, leering, but gives up and joins Eridan on the couch again.

"I can't believe I'm doing this."

"You fucking well are."

He tilts his head back, closing his eyes. "She just sort of showed up around February asking to hang out like nothing happened. Like back before we started dating. It was weird, but I thought if she was over it, I should be, too. She's had boyfriends before and I've never had a relationship. I thought it was normal."

Eridan nods, keeping a nonjudgmental disposition.

"I just sort of forced myself to get over it with her always around."

"Obviously you needed more time away from her."

"Was it that obvious?"

"Pretty much. So what do you really want to do now?"

Sollux pauses, thinking over his answer. It had been long enough that any bitterness he held against her was gone. "I really want to have things back to normal. I'm done pining over her, because we're never going to happen again. But there's something in the way. There's something holding me back from being comfortable around her."

"Maybe it's you telling her. Or telling anybody."

"Why am I even telling you about this?"

"Because you won't even fucking tell Karkat. Look, I told you my big deep, dark secret," his heart clenches when he's reminded of the lie, "so we're okay now. We're tight."

He rolls his eyes. "Sure. I guess you really trust me, then, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do." Eridan looks down, feeling self-conscious. Sollux gets up once again and heads towards the door.

"I guess I trust you, too. Goodnight." He leaves and Eridan's fingers fly over the keys again.

CA: might just be gettin somewwhere