The Sea Is A Good Place to Think of the Future - 1

She looks at me from the other side of the room and glares. Her eyes, they have no color. Glossy black pupils. Her nails are painted long and red and her legs are crossed carefully, in a way that shows enough leg but doesn't dare show past her mid-thigh. Not because she believes in the school rules. It's because every time her skirt moves up higher, her boyfriend reaches from behind her to pull it back down. He isn't protective, he's jealous.

I don't bother staring back. I used to like staring at her. You have the same eyes. I thought if I gazed into them deeply enough, I would see you. And you would see me. And I would wake up and this would all just be a bad dream. Funny how that never works out, isn't it?

Funny how life just happens.

When the bell rings I don't rush out to meet you in the hallways anymore. I pack up my stuff slowly and place all of it in my bag, but I don't bring anything home. I guess I'm worried that I'll have to try and save someone else and my bag will just hold me down again.

She doesn't move until I'm finished packing. We are the only ones left in the room, I don't notice this until it is too late. She moves in like a jaguar trapping its prey. I cower in the corner, stuck in a silky cobweb of guilt. Her eyes are narrowed to slits and her voice hisses out, faultguilttraitorliar. The words change but the meaning stays the same. It's my fault. I'm guilty. I should go and jump off a bridge, I should stop living. Allyourfault.

I am pushed. I stumble, fall on the floor, bruise my arm. What is the point of screaming for help when no one comes? She doesn't bother doing anything else, either because she is busy or because she doesn't want someone to accidentally barge in here, I don't know. She tosses her bag over her shoulder with her hair and walks out. Her friends are waiting. She has a life to live.

I take my time walking home. It's the middle of winter and I live almost an hour away from the school, but I don't bother taking the bus anymore. What if someone tries to jump off a skyscraper? I would be stuck on the bus and I wouldn't be able to get to them in time. They would die, and it would be my fault. All my fault.

The snow seeps through my socks and goosebumps travel across my skin. If you were here right now you would yell at me for not changing into pants or wearing boots. You would offer me your jacket even though you would be colder than me. You worried about me even though you were too fragile to worry about yourself.

Smells flow through my nose and suddenly I pick up the pace. I shouldn't have walked. I don't want to be here. I don't want to watch everything over again in my mind. Why did I walk this way? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did I walk this way?

My legs carry me to places I don't want to go. I can't get my brain to shut them off. I can't get them to stop. I run and I pretend not to know where I'm going. The smells get closer and deeper and I'm afraid to close my eyes because when I do I will see what I've been trying to block out for the past month.

You stand with shaky knees. I can't see your face but I can tell that you've been crying. I scream and no words come out. You turn and you look at me with such an empty gaze that I stop breathing. Nopointinliving. I try to say something but you aren't listening. Your eyes aren't looking at anything. Your ears aren't hearing a single sound. Nopoint. I want to run and pull you off the edge, hug you in my arms, never let go.

I'm afraid you'll jump if I take a step forward.

Something bumps into me and I stumble. "Excuse me," a woman apologizes before walking away. I look back at the railing-there is nothing but swirling snow. Was I imagining it? It feels like my head hit the ground a thousand times. I turn around and walk slowly. I try not to think about it. My stomach churns and I clench my teeth. If I don't remember it, if I don't think about it, it will all go away. It never happened. Denydenydeny.

I don't get home until dinnertime. My father is away on business trip for his photography and my mother is in some long fancy meeting. My sister Ami is at her friend's house for the weekend. I climb up the stairs and stand in the hallway. I can hear your breath and I can feel your eyelashes against my cheek. I run to my bedroom and slam the door so hard the frame cracks. Leaveleaveleave. Dieleavemealonggoaway. I pull the curtains on my balcony door, lock my windows, and crawl under the comforter. With no light from the sky my room is dark enough where I don't see any shadows. I lay under the blankets with my eyes closed and I try to focus on being nothing.

When I wake there isn't a single sound. I look at the clock, 11:13PM. I've only slept for five hours. You stand near my door and watch. I try to shut my eyes but I can still see you. I don't know if I am paralyzed with guilt or fear. You walk over to me and touch my face. Sorry. Your eyes are black and empty and your face isn't recognizable. Nopoint.

You lay in the bathtub and spilled bottles are scattered on the counter. You lock the door and don't answer when I bang on it. You lock everyone out and don't answer when they try to help. Sleepsorry. The lock on the door doesn't budge and the hospital staff keeps you locked up for a month. Sleepsorry. You've always wanted to be isolated.

I blink and you're gone. I roll over and shut my eyes tight again. I want to sleep for a thousand years and never wake up.