Copyright: © 2012 Moonrise Inn Publications
Disclaimer: This is a fanfiction. Harry Potter is property of J.K. Rowlings.
A/N: Fourth book – movie spoiler.

"I'm drowning in the sea, in my memories. Emotions are strong, like tide-a-waves crashing over me. I'm drowning in the sea."

Whispers in the Dark
Author: Zorra Reed
Beta: Valandra

I sit here beneath the window, much as I had done on my first night four years ago, reflecting on the year now coming to a close at Hogwarts. I just completed my fourth year and am looking forward to the next, when I'll get to play Quidditch again. Because of the Triwizard Tournament, Quidditch had been suspended for the

year, due to the fact that they'd converted the pitch into a gigantic, man-eating maze. This didn't please anyone. My team was able to hold dummy practices from time-to-time outside the forbidden forest, just to keep in shape, but it wasn't the same.

I smile a little at the memories, but my thoughts quickly turn to more bitter matters. Such as the price the tournament had extracted from Hogwarts and from me. I find it a bit shocking that I can still smile after everything that happened…even Cedric's death. A part of me will always feel guilty and responsible for it. In a way I was. Had Lord Voldemort not been after me, he wouldn't have transformed the winning cup into a portkey. And had we not been playing at being so damn noble, then only one of us would've been taken.

Now that I look at it that way, I realize that it was Cedric who would have gotten to the cup first, because I was injured. What would have happened if Voldemort had not gotten me? They would have killed Cedric anyway, and then come for me, possibly endangering more lives in the processes. Cedric's death was still my fault whether directly or not. Simply for my living I am a danger to everyone around me. Always have been, always will be.

Cedric came to me in a dream. He thanked me for returning his body to his family, said that 'he at least died happy and with honors. He died doing the right thing, trying to protect a friend'. I was glad he wasn't blaming me for his death. I don't think I could have handled it if he had. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks, not inside at least. Your stubbornness can only take you so far. But now, I'm not making sense and my mind is wandering off track.

I told Cedric how sorry I was for being jealous and upset over Cho, their happiness was important to me, deep down. I was also jealous for the support he had from the student body while I faced ridicule. His forgiveness lifted a great weight from my shoulders and eased my heart somewhat, making it a bit easier to except and believe, when people tell me that it wasn't my fault. I've come to terms with it in my own way.

One thing I do find interesting was the curse; as much as it had hurt, I had expected it to be far worse. I really don't see why it's an illegal curse when there are plenty of other things a person does that are more terrible and frightening. Not that I'd wish this or any other curse on my worst enemy. Well, that's not true, Voldemort maybe, and Uncle Vernon too. Draco's really not that bad, he just thinks he is, so I guess I'll let him off the hook…this time. Compared to some of the things I've been through in my life, this really doesn't hold a candle against them.

So what if I'm responsible for the return of the Dark Lord. It's not like I did it on purpose! I had no choice or control over what happened! This is just another day to add to my list of events and adventures. Being tied to a gravestone wasn't so bad. Having my arm sliced open...yeah it hurt, but I'll live. Yeah, I'll live. I always live. That's all I'm really good for isn't it? Harry Bloody Potter the wizard that just won't freak'en die!

I'm not really afraid of Voldemort. After all, he's still just a man. Well, maybe not quite…human anymore, but the same basic principle applies, he's a person that can be – no, will be – killed! I'm not after revenge for the murder of my parents; I'm not seeking glory, frame, or anything else; I just want this to end. I don't care how or by whom, so long as it's over and I can escape this nightmare that I've fallen into.

Turning my thoughts to another matter, one of which I'm sure is no more comforting or healthy to dwell upon, the Dursleys. Sometimes, I think that I would rather face the Dark Lord then go home to the Dursleys. Dumbledore won't allow me to stay with the Weasleys all summer. He says there is a protection spell around my relative's home and I'm safer in the Muggle world then here. I'm afraid of going home to Uncle Vernon. While not as vile as before, now that the threat of the magical world hangs over him, he still beats the hell out of me when he looses his temper.

After Hagrid left, when I first found out I was a wizard, and we'd returned home, Uncle Vernon gave me the worst beating I'd ever had. But I'm a fast healer; most of the bruises were gone by the time Hagrid came for me at the end of summer to take me to Hogwarts. I'm just afraid that one day my Uncle may lose control of himself all together. I'm afraid he may really hurt me. These are unnecessary fears but fears all the same. There's nothing I can do if he wants to hit me. I'll be expelled from school if I use magic. I'm weak and scrawny when compared to Uncle Vernon's Ox-like form. He'd only overpower me in the end.

It makes me wonder just how many other students here come from bad families. There has to be a few. I wonder if they share the same feelings as I do. Or am I just that desperate for a kindred spirit? Do I deserve to be beaten? Have I done something wrong? I don't remember doing anything. Maybe it was when I was very little, back before I can remember. Anyhow, tomorrow I will board the train and return to the Dursleys and forget about Voldemort for the summer. I have plans to stay with the Weasleys for the last week of summer and I'll meet up with Hermione in Diagon Alley after.

I can avoid Uncle Vernon for a few weeks. Can't I?

I feel my heart leap at the anticipation of returning to Hogwarts. I love this school. It's been more of a home to me then anything else ever has and I long to be here. It's painful to think how I'll have to leave in a few years. I wonder if I'll be able to let go and move on, or if I'll stay and teach or something? I really can't say. But that's a worry that I can put off for a few years yet.

OooO

Ronald Weasley watched covertly from beneath the cover of his bed as the one known as Harry James Potter: The Boy Who Lived: Savior of the Wizarding World: Winner of the Triwizard Tournament: Gryffindor Seeker…best friend…finished his writing. With a heavy sigh, Harry closed the small journal in his lap and turned his gaze to the star-filled night; the moonlight illuminating the tears streaking over his cheeks, as it encircled the teen within its pale light. Ron hesitated to say anything and kept still as the burdened boy crumbled into harsh, but silent, sobs of grief. "I wish it would all just end," Harry's anguished whisper carried through the silent dorm room, its hopeless plea striking the heart of all who heard it. No one was slumbering.

The End