Disclaimer: I do not own the Ra'zac, but I it seems I have met one: long story as to how this happened…yeah. And Seriouass is property of Kippurbird.

How to Evade a Hunting Ra'zac for Werecats?

Author's Statement:

We fail to see why in Algaesia, a Ra'zac would bother hunting magical house cats. Unless this is some horrific form of torture contrived to terrorize old ladies and small children we fail to see why this chapter is necessary, but because we believe in equal treatment. We will of course provide cats … pardon me, I have just been informed the properly underlined word was Werecats seeing as lions and tigers, and leopards do not possess the intelligence to be a Ra'zac's prey. If this is indeed the case, then perhaps the Werecats are stupid for becoming so intelligent in the first place?

I digress, we referring to my esteemed colleagues believe in equal treatment and so we have taken time out of our busy schedule -begging, eating scraps, collecting alms, fighting each other, begging, cutting off limbs, begging, catching cholera or the flu, begging, and dying one by one- to provide Werecats, with the knowledge necessary to successfully evade a hunting Ra'zac. They were intelligent enough to be put on the menu but weren't intelligent enough to find a way off it.

Can Werecats read? It would be terrible if we wasted a few trees (the elves will be so upset) to teach a bunch of illiterate cats how to fend against a Ra'zac.

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Timing and Terrain:

Time of day:

Because werecats are both diurnal and nocturnal we'll just keep everything simple and provide evasion methods for both simultaneously. I hope these words aren't too big for the cats to comprehend…. Actually I do, I really do. The irony in this would be hilarious. The next page should be for the weredogs who bark at and chase the werecats. Then we can give advice to the illiterate weretweedybird. But enough of my commentary, that's not why you're reading this. So with out further adieu….

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Terrain:

The Ocean and other Bodies of water during the day and night:

This is of course assuming you can swim and have no aversions to water. In the event you cannot swim we have a few solutions to help you. You will find them conveniently listed below:

Give up and allow yourself to be eaten.

Make like a Ra'zac and avoid water at all costs. Evidently you have failed at this, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this section.

Learn to swim. Learning how to swim is very simple, here is what you do. If you find yourself in a harbour run to the end of a dock and magically raise a rock from the depths below and set it on the dock beside you.

Then magically steal rope from a nearby ship and tie one end around the rock and the other around yourself. Just as the Ra'zac close in on you, push the rock.

This method, unfortunately is useful under the following the circumstances: you've managed to lose the Ra'zac long enough to conjure a rock and long piece of rope, the Ra'zac chasing you has a broken leg, the Ra'zac is ridiculously obese and unable to chase after you in the first place.

Learn to doggy paddle, the kitty paddle doesn't exist.

Drowning is also a viable solution. The Ra'zac won't be able to reach you if you're at the bottom of a body of water.

Row a boat instead. This is a preferred method of the elves and humans as it allows for one to be safe, but also provides one the ample opportunity to insult and taunt the Ra'zac.

Depending on the body water you will find the effectiveness of our listed solutions varies.

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The Hadarac Desert Night and Day:

As stated before the Ra'zac are allergic to the sun and will not willingly hunt for someone in the desert. Unfortunately, you're a cat, and the Hadarac desert is the largest litter box you will ever have the pleasure of defecating in. This will make you scent trail easy for them to follow; especially at night. If you've run into the desert during the day, you may be able to escape them for a while but your trail will still be easy to follow.

Burying yourself in the sand as suggested inHow to Evade a Hunting Ra'zac for Humans may not work for you, especially at night when the Ra'zac will be on your tail. Instead, the following is suggested.

Because you are a cat, you can simply waltz up to a band of traders scouring the desert for future slaves, meow pitifully, rub your adorably whiskered face along their ankles and convince any soft-hearted slave dealer to take you in. Then when the Ra'zac catches up to because if it is hungry enough to chase through a desert it will catch up to you, the traders will make a sufficient diversion giving a chance to high tail it out of there. And you'll die of dehydration later.

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The Air Night and Day:

Hopefully this is not applicable. If it is applicable, then I would be more worried about landing on my feet then a hungry Ra'zac's stomach.

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The Streets of Dras Leona Day and Night:

Hello, welcome, we never get tired of greeting people. Can we have a few coppers? Is it so hard to drop a few coins into a tin cup? We digress, Dras-Leona is a wonderful place, and when you enter the city you will be amazed by the wonderful black mountain on the horizon, and the beautiful cathedral on the hill overlooking the city. Normally we would describe the city as a terrible, festering canker sore exuding the wonderful aroma of refuse, but in your case it's a giant litter box, so we will refrain from making such a comment.

The streets of Dras-Leona are dangerous, because the Ra'zac tend to visit on a nightly basis. But you are a cat so there are a few ways to remain safe in this wonderful home of ours.

We recommend first and foremost, avoiding the city at all costs, but you would not be reading this section if you had done that in the first place, so this is not an option. It is a good thing we have other solutions.

Rather than running through the streets in your cat form, shift into your bipedal forms and hide among the orphans. Seeing as you wear a loincloth and they had scraggly torn up scrap-cloth you'll blend in perfectly.

Hiding in a sewer is also a suggestion, but you don't like water do you?

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The Cathedral of Dras-Leon during the nigh and Day:

Why? Why? Why? We still don't understand, and our Werecat expert has killed himself; why is a Ra'zac, A RA'ZAC, hunting YOU? What could have possibly done… oh wait, clawed the alter and marked one the pews as you territory and now the Ra'zac want to kill you because you defiled their temple.

Finally this chapter makes sense, or you possibly got hungry and thought you could nibble on the ankles of a doomed slave and the Ra'zac wouldn't notice. We understand now. This makes sense.

Yeah, the temple, don't go in there. It even has a warning written in the ancient language posted over the doors, "beware of weredog." If that doesn't raise you hackles you are a very dumb cat.

The temple is the Ra'zac's house when they are not home. It is a dangerous place full of armless priests who are in need of a cuddly precious pet. And defecating, scenting, and marjkin things as your own is not a good idea. Just because you're a cat, born to believe the entire world is yours to own, doesn't mean the temple is. The temple is the sole property of the Ra'zac, for them the temple is their world, and they will hunt you if you mess with it, and now that we have illustrated why the cathedral is so dangerous we shall now move on to our next section. The one that might actually be funny….

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The Cathedral of Dras-Leona Night and Day PRT 2:

In the deep dark bowels of the cathedral there is a secret place we have only heard of in a story told to us by a guy who said he saw it. In the bottom of the Cathedral there is a Ra'zac hatchery.

Yes.

And if you find yourself in here you are obviously a black cat and because no other cat could be that unlucky.

Now there is a way to escape this place although we are not exactly sure how this works, for reasons we are about to explain. You see a Ra'zac hatches out an egg, and the problem with this man's story was that he described this baby Ra'zac as monstrous, and because he never explained if the Ra'zac was monstrous looking or of a monstrous size we are very confused, and our werecat expert is still dead… and there is a Ra'zac… um, now he's gone.

Because, 'monstrous' was never defined we can't be sure if the Ra'zac emerges from the egg nearly the side of an adult human and the werecat who was present at this event only survived because he turned into a leopard before throwing it into a wall and breaking its neck, or if hatched looking that ugly. We're really not sure.

But in the even you find yourself this deep inside the cathedral, we recommend you turn into a leopard. Then you'll be able to kill all the priests with impunity before you're chained to a wall.

We apologize for the lack of humour in this section. We're confused.

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Woodlands and Forests at night and Day:

When being chased through the woods we have several recommended means of escape. The first is quite simple and works best if you retain your cat shape. Dive into the bushes and change the colour of your eyes. When the Ra'zac happen upon you, they will assume you're a different cat and leave you alone.

Another possibility is climbing up into a tree and laugh at them as they scramble up after you. Then you can piss and poo on their heads because you're a cat and you can get away with it because you're a cat and you own the world.

An alternative, solution is shape shifting into a leopard, and start chasing them. Who's the top of the food chain now? They won't think Ra'zac is the answer.

Then of course you can always turn into your humanesque form, because who isn't afraid of a messy-haired kid wearing a loincloth armed with only a dagger? Terrified by your superior hairdo they of course will flee in the opposite direction, because only you can pull off an afro. Their bald and their eyes are too big. Dreadlocks are also effective because they will be dreadful. Adorned with the skulls of small birds and squirrels you've tortured and killed which brings us to our conclusion.

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Evasive Manoeuvres for land terrain anywhere:

These are failsafe solutions that work on any land surface.

If you are being hunted by a Ra'zac and you are cornered, we have a few recommendations. The first solution is shaping into a leopard or other large cat like a lion, but lions are overused, so why not aim for a serval or lynx? Anyways our point is this: this transformation is applicable in any terrain, although it was recommended in the forest and woodland section because the bushes in a forest or woodland would provide you with cover and you would have the element of surprise on your side, as you leap from the bushes. To summarize transforming into a large cat is good anywhere, anytime.

The next solution is this: conversation. We are well aware of the fact Ra'zac tend to be mean, narrow minded, and cunning, and this is why we have made this suggestion. Of course being in such close quarters with them is dangerous and so this was only added as an afterthought. Below are two examples:

Example 1:

Start by introducing yourself as Solemnbum, because Solemn= Serious and Bum=Ass . So you can introduce yourself as SeriousAss.

The Ra'zac will die of laughter and you make your exit.

Example 2:

In this example it is not necessary that you open the conversation by introducing yourself.

When the Ra'zac are stalking toward you, clicking to each other in their language, you will have a flashback to a time when you were bird hunting and were accused of torturing the poor feathered critter. The Ra'zac's chirping will irritate you and you will say, "That's offensive."

This will make them pause. "What isss?"

"Your chirping. It hurts my pride."

The moment you say this the Ra'zac will burst into raucous laughter. Now you can run for it. But realistically you'll be too curious to do so. You're going be like a kitten seeing a yarn ball for the first time; you'll paw and poke at it until you get tangled it. But such is the nature of cats.

If you choose to say the next words out of your mouth will be, "Why are you laughing."

This will only make them laugh harder because what is obvious to their narrow minds is lost to your ancient, all powerful open mind, but after more giggles and chuckles they finally tell you, in between deep draughts of air as the lose the ability to breath. "You lick your butt, and poop in a gravel filled box. You don't have any pride. You eat tasteless lumps of flour and crap from out of fancy cans, and drink cream as adults. You have pride, yesss you do. You have the pride of expert pushoversss, who make their living leeching off of othersss. You're a cat."

And they will laugh so hard they'll forget why they were laughing in first place and years later, when you're nestled on a cosy cushion you'll think back and remember the only reason why you're still alive is because you have flexible neck that allows your tongue to reach certain places.

The other options are using you cuddly furriness to your advantage by meowing pitifully and rubbing yourself against the Ra'zac's ankles, asking for a scritch. The Ra'zac have claws and strong hands, they would fall in love with your cuteness and you receive one the best scritches/massages in your life. Then they'll take you home with them because you are oh so cute. And you'll become the Ra'zac's pampered kitty-pet, and when they are pathetically wrapped around your clay you can begin torturing them by leaving dead possums at the entrance of their cave.

They will get very angry at the sight of these dead possums, but when they see you licking yourself in places tongues should not go they will just brush it off and think to themselves' What a poor ssstupid little animal. Awww, ssso cute and gross.

Then one day after years and years of possum torture you can stab them in the backs with your stupid little dagger, because you little dagger is going to penetrate their thick exoskeletons. Yup, definitely.

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Author's Concluding Notes:

While not as funny as the last section relating to elves, we do hope you did get a chuckle out this at the very least. But as an excuse for the poor quality of this section in comparison to the previous ones we would like to point out, that is no way, no reason for a Ra'zac to hunt a cat, even if you do have special abilities.

If we have offended any werecats with the content in this section, we would like to offer you complementary Kibbles and Bits as a consolation for what is unfortunately the truth. You are arrogant, full of pride, think the entire world is yours to o with as you please, and you do things with your tongues that should not be done. Ever.

(Hurray for innuendo!)

Author's Rant: This was a bear to write and I apologize for the fact that it wasn't very funny. At some point I do intend to return to this chapter and patch it up. Unfortunately that will be a while, because I'm stuck on the dwarf section. And I don't even know where to begin with the Urgals, and I would like to save Dragons, because I have a lot to say about them for last.

Suggestions and criticism are welcomed and greatly appreciated. And the cat's name is Seriousass.