A/N: So I'm really good at procrastinating... Sorry! (Thanks to the few of you who've pestered me via reviews over the last few months... And by that, I mean since January... Now it's July...) On a side note, I've edited the first 32 or so chapters of this story to fix POV and spelling/grammar errors and to remove long author's notes. A few paragraphs have been changed here and there, but nothing that actually impacts or changes the events in the story at all. Those chapters have been replaced. Going back to reread them is totally optional. You won't be missing anything.

Warning: References to eating disorders and self harm, swearing, rape

What is This Feeling?

November 2009

Monday had finally arrived and Allen was now supposedly free of the parasite. With that one problem solved, he only needed to find ways to be free of the others. Responsibilities, social expectations, life. Who wouldn't want to be done with all of that?

The one month of medication had ended a couple of days earlier and Allen felt very itchy. Although the trichomonaisis should no longer be in his body, and although he knew that there should no longer be any risk of reinfection from himself by any means, Allen still hadn't picked up a razor and sliced his skin. Whenever he went to harm himself, his hands would shake and his stomach would clench. Was it fear? Anticipation? Anxiety? Maybe it was a combination of all three. Maybe it was none of those. In any case, it was incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes bordered on painful.

What the hell was wrong with him? He'd been wanting to cut himself for the past month, and now that there isn't anything to stop him, he finds himself unable to do it. Why? It made no sense.

Allen took a quick glance at the clock in his room and sighed. There were only ten minutes left before he had to leave to catch the bus to school. As itchy as he felt, was it worth it to cut himself this early? There wasn't enough time to do the deed and clean up without missing the bus. He'd just have to wait one more day.

The rest of the morning was filled with similar thoughts.

Allen passed through the first few hours of the school day in a daze, not really paying attention to anyone or anything. His mind was too caught up with whatever weird psychological barrier was stopping him from hurting himself.

It was lucky that Komui hadn't made him do anything in his Peer Tutoring class that day. He just had to sit at the back, watch the lesson, and walk around to answer questions after the main lecture portion. It was routine and it was easy.

"Allen! Could you come over here for a minute please?" Komui called from across the room.

Allen turned his head towards the teacher and nodded. He made his way to the corner of the room. The students were chatting quietly and discussing the homework questions for the night, so the conversation would likely not be payed any attention.

Aware of the setting, Komui cut straight to the point. "Are you working on Friday?"

"No, I have Friday evening off. Why?" Allen asked.

"Excellent. I've got somewhere to take you on Friday after school, so be ready quickly." Komui smiled then walked back towards the students to help anyone who had questions.

Allen's stomach filled with dread. He was probably going back to that clinic again. Wasn't Komui friends with the doctor or something? That doctor probably told Komui that Allen hadn't arranged for a follow-up appointment yet, so Komui probably went ahead and scheduled one for him. Why would either of them do that though? Why would they care? All this STD stuff was Allen's business, and his alone. What was wrong with those people?

With a bit of brief reflection, he realized that there was probably nothing wrong with them. Or the doctor, at the very least. Going behind his back and making these unnecessary appointments was probably normal behaviour for people. Allen just couldn't understand why, though. At a better time, Allen would definitely find the time to have some words with Komui about this.

"You doing okay? You've been really quiet all day." Krory asked.

Allen paused for a moment before giving an answer. "I'm fine, just a bit tired is all. I need to find Komui, though. I have something to ask him."

"I see." Krory said, "I hope that goes well. See you tomorrow, Allen!" Krory waved and began walking towards the buses.

Allen turned and walked the opposite direction. At this time of day, Komui should still be in his room either preparing for tomorrow or cleaning up after today.

When Allen arrived, he gave a few short knocks on the door.

"Come in!" a voice called.

Allen opened the door and walked inside. Komui was organizing some papers at his desk. "Hello Komui." Allen said with a straight face.

Komui countered with a wide smile. "Hi there, Allen! What brings you here today?"

Allen glared. "I think you know."

"Is this about earlier?" Komui asked, tilting his head slightly.

"You made me an appointment with that Doctor Chan guy, right? On Friday after school?" Allen accused.

Komui's smile widened. "Yes I did. I took the time to call Doctor Chang during the lunch period to confirm the appointment time. Follow-ups are important, after all."

Allen started to feel a little angry. He didn't understand. "Why would you do that though? What does it matter if I have a follow-up or not. The damn parasite is gone now, so it shouldn't matter! And whyis it any of your business?" he exclaimed.

"Because you're my friend, and because you need someone of legal age to be looking out for you." Komui replied immediately, still grinning.

Allen groaned. "I don't understand you people."

"And that's perfectly alright." Komui said as he went back to his papers.

The two stood in silence for a moment before Allen spoke once more. "Are you... feeling okay? You're acting really weird today."

"I'm feeling great, thanks for asking!" Komui replied cheerfully, "What's so odd about my behaviour?"

"I dunno." Allen said, "You're not usually this cheery and smiley unless Lenalee is around. Where is she, anyways?"

"Group project. She's busy with her group all week." Komui answered.

"Hm. Makes sense, I guess." Allen commented.

The two fell into another brief silence. This time it was Komui who broke it. "Was there something you needed from me, Allen?" he asked.

Allen blinked. "Well, I originally came in here to tell you off for making me a doctor's appointment without my consent, but now I'm just confused by how weird you're acting."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Normally you're way more tense than this and not nearly so... mellow. Did something happen? Or are you just high off of some random joints you confiscated from the seniors?" Allen asked.

Komui laughed. "Haha, Allen! Are you trying to be social?"

Allen scowled. "No, I'm just worried about you, damnit! Shouldn't you be taking this a little more seriously? What's wrong with you?"

Komui's laughs slowly receded. "Nothing's wrong at all. In fact, I feel lighter than I have in years."

Allen took a few quick sniffs. "You don't smell like pot, so what are you on?"

"I talked to Lenalee this weekend." Komui answered quietly.

This information made Allen pause. Komui, without any needling, actually talked to his sister? And given the context, probably told her the truth about his (lack of) childhood? "No way."

"I did. And I also reconnected with Edgar and Twi this weekend. Reconnected properly, I should say. Taking you to the clinic to visit Edgar hardly counts." Komui said, smiling still.

"That just sounds scary. How does it make you this..." Allen gestured at Komui, "...like this?"

Komui stopped a moment to ponder his words. "You're familiar with the word "catharisis," are you not?" He asked.

Allen shrugged. "Yeah, I know what it means."

"I think maybe I've finally started to let go." Komui sighed, "It's been many years, and it's always been hard to think about. After I talked to Lenalee, there were lots of things running through my mind. I was scared that she would hate me, confused that she didn't, angry and frustrated because I had finally told her what I swore I would never hurt her with, and guilty for everything that I know was my fault. And after I had begun processing all of that, what I felt most was how much my shoulders hurt."

"Um... your shoulders?"

Komui smiled sadly. "Yes, my shoulders. They had been rigid and tense for years, and had suddenly somewhat relaxed. It's like when you sit in one place for too long and then it hurts to stand up because your legs have become accustomed to the sitting position."

Allen was still confused, but tried to make sense of what his teacher was saying. "I... see? Maybe? How would talking make you relax your shoulders, though? It's not like you were doing yoga or meditating or any of that stuff. You were talking to Lenalee about some pretty dark shit. Sounds like it should hurt because it's painful to talk about, not because you're relaxing."

"A synonym for catharsis is "purging." It hurts at first, but that is only because you need to touch the poison to create the drain for it." Komui explained.

"As long as you're not bulimic." Allen sighed.

"Anymore, at least." Komui replied quickly.

"What?"

"That's besides the point. I talked to Lenalee because she deserved answers, and because I knew, against my gut feelings, that this would be good for me." Komui said, "And I didn't stop there. I've always felt awful about imposing on the Chang family after the incident, but getting back in touch with two of them after talking to Lenalee has forced me to look at the situation a little differently."

Allen only nodded, not wanting to interrupt this speech.

"With the rigid blinders of guilt lifted a little from my eyes, I could finally see them. Before, they were just people who were being too nice and doing things that I didn't deserve," Komui gave a quick glance to Allen, "but now I can start to see what I think they've been trying to show me since I first met them when I was partnered with Bak-chan for an assignment. When Lenalee and I showed up, they were all smiles, and what I had previously thought to be a forced kindness now looked like well-hidden concern in Edgar's eyes. When I smiled back and greeted them, the concern I saw became happiness. That was when I realized that they were actually people."

Komui had to pause for a moment. "By that, I mean that I saw that they behave the same way that I do when I'm worried or concerned about you or Lenalee. It was never disdain or a grudge, but worry because they thought that I couldn't be happy. When he saw me smile more naturally than I have in years, he actually looked relieved. I realized that they actually cared about me in a way that I haven't known before, and it felt really nice."

The older man turned back to Allen and slowly placed a hand on his shoulder. "I want you to believe me when I say that sharing your thoughts and feelings will help. I still feel awful about the time I spent with the Changs, and there is a large part of me that is still pushing to pay them back and telling me that I don't deserve anything kind that they say and do for me, but there's a small part that is smiling and thinking that maybe this is how it was supposed to be.

"There's a small firefly in the darkness that was previously only lit by a distant star. It's hope that one day, there will be enough small lights to see properly and clearly."

Allen uncomfortably shrugged the hand off of his shoulder. "You're really into these weird poetic metaphors today, aren't you?"

Komui chuckled. "I think I'm still riding the high. I've been completely miserable for as long as I can remember, and falsely believing that Lenalee and her happiness were what truly made me happy. That's not to say that she doesn't, because she is my precious little sister and anyone who dares say anything against her will answer to me! But what I meant is that external sources of happiness, while a relief, are not going to keep the negativity at bay. Only an internal positive source can keep it away permanently. And it takes time."

"Thus the firefly in the darkness. Yeah, I get it." Allen sighed impatiently, "Seriously though, riding this alleged "high" or not, and all weird-ass metaphors aside, this is all really weird! I don't get it."

Komui's eyes crinkled a little as he smiled. "You will. Who knows when or how, but you will. It took me upward of ten years, but I'm a bit of a dunce. I'm sure you'll beat my record without a problem."

Allen smirked. "Upwards of twenty years. Understood. That's the goal. Don't go searching for hope for twenty years. Sounds easy enough."

Komui didn't respond to the sarcasm. "Just remember that you've always got people here for you."

"Yeah, whatever." Allen rolled his eyes. He couldn't help but think that maybe, somewhere in all of that mad rambling, Komui had a point. Even still, it was something that he couldn't afford to believe in. It would just hurt too much when the hopes were destroyed again.

December 2009

"Have you come down from your high yet?" Allen grumbled to Komui as he pulled into the parking lot at the clinic.

Komui took a few deep breaths before turning off the car. "Yes, I have. It's kind of weird to be feeling like this. It's like turning up the brightness on your computer screen, only with your emotions. It's a bit difficult to handle but I'll get used to it. I'm not so sure I want to pay this price for whatever healing I'm supposedly experiencing, but I don't really have a choice anymore."

"Yes you do." Allen replied, "You can always just mute your emotions or turn them off again. Retreat into your defense mechanisms. They're there for a reason, you know."

"Hm, I could. But that wouldn't be setting a very good example, would it?" Komui winked at Allen. "Come on, let's go inside. You don't want to leave the good doctor waiting."

"Actually..."

"That was a rhetorical question. You have an appointment, so you should be on time." Komui stated firmly.

"I didn't make that appointment." Allen rebutted.

"That's because you're a minor. Now come on. What's the worst that could happen?" Komui asked.

"The medicine might not have worked." Allen replied.

"Shut up and stop being difficult. It's twenty minutes out of your day. I'm sure you can handle it."

The two made their way from the car to the clinic, where Allen was eventually called. Once again, Komui tagged along to make sure that Allen behaved himself and actually listened to Doctor Chang.

"Hello again Allen, Komui." Doctor Chang greeted as he walked into the room. "How are you doing today?"

"Pretty well, thanks," Allen replied, "But not as well as Komui over here. He's been high as a kite all week."

Doctor Chang raised and eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Komui sighed. "I've just had a very good week. Allen has taken it upon himself to mock me at every opportunity to ensure that it does not last."

"I see." Doctor Chang hummed, "That is good for both of you then. I'm glad to see that the two of you are doing better. But on to business. Allen, before you go, I will need you to give me a urine sample. We need to test to make sure that the trichomonaisis is no longer in your system. If we find some more, then you will receive a call from the office in a few days time. If a week goes by without a call, then no news is good news. It means that the treatment was successful."

Allen stared at the doctor. "So you're saying that I might not be cured?"

Doctor Chang shook his head. "Not exactly. It is very unlikely that you are still infected because the medication that targets the parasites is strong and effective. The urine sample is for a just-in-case scenario, but you had said previously that you are not sexually active. Provided that you have had no sexual contact, especially repeated contact, with the same females then you are pretty much guaranteed to be cured."

Allen paused for a moment. "Females specifically?" he asked.

"Yes. The trichomonaisis parasites live primarily in the vagina. It provides optimal living conditions for the parasite. They can, however, survive inside the urethra as well. There are not always symptoms when they are living in the urethra. Typically, the parasite can only be transmitted when vaginal contact is involved since the parasite can't live inside the mouth or the anus. Infection from male to male through anal sex is so unlikely that it is said to have basically zero chance of spreading that way." Doctor Chang explained.

Allen chewed his lip. This didn't make sense. "I've never had sexual contact with a woman. Does that mean that I was born with this parasite?"

"No." Doctor Chang shook his head again, "This parasite can't be passed from mother to child through childbirth because the mother's fluids would not end up inside the child."

Allen looked to the floor. "I'm just confused then. How would I have gotten trich then? Can it be spread through blood and stuff?"

"The only way to spread trichomonaisis is through the exchange of sexual fluids through the sexual organs. Unless it was possible for infected semen or precum to have made their way into your penis, then I can't tell you how it happened." Doctor Chang replied, "Can you think of an instance where that might have happened?"

Allen's face was pressed into the mattress while his feet dangled over the side of the bed. Cross was pressing harder into him every few seconds. He knew from experience that it wouldn't be long before the older man was finished. If the pain in his backside was any indicator, he shouldn't have to last more than a couple more minutes.

With every thrust, the bed squeaked louder and Allen felt himself slip closer to the edge. He tried to stay in his head and focus on nothing. He tried to block out the squeaking, the pain, the touch of the blankets, the smell of sweat blood, and other substances. He closed his eyes and retreated as far as he could into the darkness.

Suddenly, there was a pain in his knees and something firm striking him across the back. Allen could feel a wetness falling from his back where the firm object had his him. What was Cross doing to him this time?

"You idiot! You fell off the bed and pulled me out early!"

Allen heard the blow to his face more than he felt it. At this point, everything hurt. He then felt his face pressed into something wet and smelly. Given the direction of gravity, he assumed it was on the floor.

"Lick it up! This belongs inside you, so get to it!"

The words weren't making sense. Licking meant he should use his tongue, right? Usually he had to lick around Cross' disgusting... But he had no choice. Allen began to move himself into position between Cross' legs, only to find himself smashed against the ground once again.

"Are you disobeying me?"

He could reply. He was too scared and too hurt to form a coherent sentence. At least it was the weekend. He had some time to recuperate before going back to school.

Allen felt himself flipped over onto his back. This was certainly a new position. He cracked open his eyes to see what was coming. It was a sick sense of curiosity, but he couldn't help it. It would only be scarier if he didn't know what was happening.

Cross had him pinned down with one hand, and was using the other to squeeze his...

A white jet hit Allen in the gut. The pressure from the stream aggravated the bruises that already littered his middle.

He saw Cross scoop up some of the liquid and smear it on his face.

"I told you to lick it."

Allen moved his tongue around his lips. The taste made him want to puke.

Cross scooped as much of the remaining liquid as he could manage into his free hand and began to rub it all over Allen's genitalia. The fingers poked and prodded at every point that they could reach. The tiny hole at the tip was stretched painfully as the edge of the white-coated fingertip got caught just inside it.

Everything felt crusty, gross, and painful. Allen just wanted to run a bath of boiling water and scrub himself until his skin no longer existed.

"Y-Yeah. At least once." Allen stuttered. His face had gone pale and he could no longer feel his limbs.

"I see. That is... most unusual and disturbing to hear. Are you sure that you can't give me a name, Allen?" Doctor Chang asked.

His voice sounded as though it was at the far end of a long hallway. "I told you before, it doesn't matter anymore."

Doctor Chang watched the young boy, concern evident on his face, "Are you absolutely sure?"

Allen could only nod.

"Well then," Doctor Chang began, "I will leave you two here for a few minutes. When I come back, I'll give you the urine sample container and direct you to the toilets. Okay? I'll only be gone for a moment."

The doctor stood and quickly left Komui and Allen alone in the small room.

The two sat there without speaking until the doctor returned five minutes later.

"Here you are Allen. I will need you to stand so I can guide you to the restrooms." Doctor Chang motioned to Allen to stand, but didn't make a move to help him up. There was no way that Allen would be receptive to any touch at the moment. He was barely responding to any stimuli.

Allen gave a small nod before slowly pushing himself up and taking the cup. He and the doctor made their way slowly to the restrooms where Allen could get his sample. Komui was left alone with his thoughts.

What sort of horrifying images had Allen just relived? Were there still so many instances in his past that could scare him this badly?

It was a stupid question. He had been with the man for seven or eight years if Komui's math was correct. That was a lot of time to work with.

Slowly, he was starting to leave his own hell behind, but the child he had met just over two years ago was still fleeing and burying himself deeper in his own. It hurt him to see Allen suffer silently when he was here to help.

It hurt even more to realize that, though he was ready to support Allen, Komui had no idea what he was actually supposed to do to help.

The high disappeared and the thoughts of worthlessness wormed their way back in.