A/N: If you don't like angst, don't read this. There will be angst and plenty of it. This includes self-harm, suicidal intentions, and all the like. Also, all relationships in this are meant to be friendly or parental, depending on context. This means no romance unless it is specifically mentioned as such. I don't plan to write any romance into this fic, but you never know what will happen in the end. There will also be some OOCness, especially in the beginning. I'll try to get them more into character as the story progresses. Let's see how this goes. Ready or not, let's give this a shot. ;)

Notice: Set in current time. AU I guess. Angst to come. Some OOCness, especially at the beginning. Some swearing, there will be more in later chapters. Don't like it, don't read it. I'm trying to warn you now.

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man. I wouldn't be posting a fanfic if I owned it.

Prologue

September, 1999

"Hello, what's your name?" a young boy asked, approaching a smaller red-haired boy. The smaller was playing in the dirt. The taller was tired of kicking his ball around and wanted to see if this boy would be any fun.

"My name is Allen, what's yours?" a young Allen replied, looking up from his dirt patch.

"I'm Daisya. I like kicking things. Especially balls. It's really fun!" exclaimed Daisya with excitement.

"Is it? Can I kick the ball with you?" asked Allen, tilting his head.

"Yes you can. Kicking a ball is always more fun when you have lots of people to kick it with you. Especially with friends like me and you. You know what? I've seen big kids playing like this too, only they didn't call it ball-kicking, they called it soccer. I think I want to try it that way. Do you know how to play soccer?" Daisya asked.

"Umm, I think you try to kick the ball into the other person's net. The more you kick it in the net, the better you play." Allen replied sheepishly.

"That sounds like lots of fun! Come on, let's play!" said Daisya as he grabbed Allen's arm and picked up his ball before dragging them with him to the grassy patch on the field.

Allen smiled. He said he wanted to be my friend. This is what a friend is like. I think I like my friend. Friends seem like a good thing. Why didn't I have friends before? Daisya is very nice because he wants to be a friends with me. I'm very happy. I should tell Mr. Cross later. He will be happy too now that I have a friend.

After school

"Mr. Cross! Guess what happened at school today!" exclaimed Allen as soon as he walked into his house.

"I don't care. Go away." grumbled Cross.

"I made a friend. His name is Daisya and he likes soccer and h-" said Allen.

"I said that I DON'T CARE! Why didn't you understand me the first time!" Cross shouted. He lowered his voice to a mumble, "I thought you were smarter than that. Ah, well. Can't expect too much of a five-year-old. Why don't you just grow up already?"

"I-I-I'm sorry Mr. Cross. I-I th-thought you would be h-h-happy. I-I d-didn't t-try to make you m-m-mad a-at me. I w-wanted to see you b-be h-happy." Allen stuttered, trying not to cry.

"Shut up. Don't cry to me just because I shouted at you. Why would you apologize. Just go upstairs and wait for dinner." Cross turned and made his way back to the living area..

"O-Okay Mr. Cross." Allen said quietly as he walked up the stairs to his bedroom. When he got there he sat on his bed and hugged the toy he got for his birthday last year. Cross won it in a bingo game and hadn't wanted it, so Allen took it when he wasn't watching. Cross didn't seem to notice that it was gone, or at least didn't care. It was a big golden ball with wings and a tail and a light cross shape on the front, where it's face would be if it had one. Allen called it Timcampy.

Timcampy is the only one in the world who likes me. I can talk to him about anything and he doesn't shout at me or tell me to go away or try to hurt me like Mr. Cross. Tim is my best friend. Tim is my only friend and I love him very very much. I don't want to leave Timcampy behind ever again. But Tim can't come to school with me. My teachers said no. I don't want to be alone anymore.

"Do you like me Tim?" Allen asked Timcampy as he hugged him tightly, tears slowly leaking out of the corners of his eyes. "I don't know if anyone should like me. Mr. Cross doesn't think that I can do anything good. Or he wouldn't shout at me all the time, right? I try and work for him and do lots of chores and I tried making food and I tried making some money for him by doing chores but I can't do anything good enough. I want him to be happy with me. Why can't I make him be happy with me? Am I really very bad? Am I?"

Allen squeezed Timcampy tighter and cried for a while, letting the silence in the room take over his mind while he calmed down.

"Ow. Crying makes my head hurt. And I forgot about Daisya. He said he wanted to be my friend. Maybe I am not very bad. Maybe if I try hard enough I can be good and Mr. Cross can be happy. Mana always told me to keep walking..." said Allen, tears once again falling as he remembered Mana. "Mana, I wish you were here. I like you much better than I like Mr. Cross. Why can't you come back? I miss you."

Only his tears and Timcampy were there to keep him company as the salty drops of water slipped through his eyelids and stained his pillow. "Mana..." Allen whispered into his sheets as he drifted off to sleep. Cross had not come up that night get Allen for dinner. Whether Cross had forgotten to make dinner or had forgotten Allen was anyone's guess.

January, 2002

"You really want to play with me Tyki?! You want me to help you make snowmen with Road and Earl and make little snow forts and snow angels outside? At recess? Are you sure? You really want me to help you?" said a young Allen, very excited to have someone want to play with him. He and Daisya didn't really play together very much after a week or two. Allen got bored of soccer fairly quickly, and soccer is all that Daisya wanted to do. He had been friendless until now. Having Tyki ask him to play was like a wish being granted for the small boy.

"Of course." said Tyki with a slightly sadistic smile. He was a liar, but Allen couldn't tell lies apart yet. Tyki told Allen that he wanted him to show up at the fence at the back of the playground, just so that he and Earl and Road could laugh at the little friendless boy, and tease him. They wanted to push him around in the snow. It made them feel good to see someone else crying. In short, the three were bullies. "We would love it if you came to see us at recess. That's why I'm asking you. Come meet us at the fence at the back of the field. We'll have lots of fun."

"Thank you very very much! I will try my best to be a very good friend to you!" said Allen happily as Tyki walked away, leaving Allen alone with his excitement.

Allen felt something akin to disbelief. Did Tyki, Road, and Earl all actually want to play with him? The four of them could be best friends! As long as Earl is okay with it. He's the leader, so he gets final say. At the same time though, Tyki wouldn't have asked in the first place if it wasn't okay for them to be friends, right?

At recess, Allen went to the fence where the three were waiting for him. Even though they are all in the same class, Allen takes longer to get his snowsuit on. He has a hard time with his zipper, but no one can know that because eight-year-olds can do it all by themselves with no help.

"Finally you show up. We have waited too long. If you wanted to play with us, then you should have been on time. We need to punish you now." said Earl with a grin, as if this wasn't their plan all along.

"But I thought you wanted to be friends. I'm sorry I was late. I will be faster next time. Friends don't punish each other, right?" Allen asked nervously.

"Of course they do. Friends always hurt each other. We are going to show you just how good of friends we want to be with you." said Earl.

"Nononononono! I'm really sorry! Nononono!" screamed Allen, hoping that one of the teachers on duty would hear him and come to help, but the fence was too far away from the teachers to hear.

Earl went first, pushing him down and shoving his face in the snow. Earl was kind of a chubby child, so he sat on Allen, making it so that the small boy couldn't get up. He could clearly see the fear in the little boy's eyes. This gave Earl a high, so he got up and started jumping on the smaller boy and pushing him around until he found it hard to get up and try to walk away.

"Earl don't take all the fun!" complained Road. She went up to Allen and began her punishment. "I kinda like you Allen, you're cute! And the cute ones are always the most fun to play with." she grinned evilly. She took out a pointy stick that she had picked up from one of the nearby fir trees. She started jabbing Allen with the pointy end of the stick and hitting him with it, feeling good about the whimpers of pain she was getting out of Allen.

"Hmmm, this won't do. His snowsuit is protecting him too well, and I can't see the red marks." she remarked. Earl quickly tore off Allen's coat and sweater, leaving him in a t-shirt and pants in the cold winter air. While Allen was freezing, Road took the stick and continued in the same fashion as before, this time drawing blood with the jabs and leaving large red welts and blood spots over his torso and anywhere that would be covered by his shirt.

"Oh we only have about 5 minutes left of recess. Tyki you'd better take your turn quickly!" Road said as she checked her watch.

"Very well. Let's have some fun, little boy." grinned Tyki, showing the same sadistic smile that he had had earlier. This time, Allen could see the malicious intentions behind it. Tyki grabbed the boy's pants and tore them down, embarrassing him and leaving him exposed to attacks on his bare legs. He took out a knife that he'd taken from his parents and hidden in his coat before school. "This will be fun!" said Tyki.

The knife was drawn up and down Allen's legs, bleeding on the snow. Small slashes and long, swirling patterns were carved into his legs, not deep enough to scar, but deep enough to hurt and make Allen cry out loudly in pain. Then Tyki had what he thought was a great idea. He was a boy, so he knew where the most sensitive spot was. "Allen, pull up your pants." Tyki ordered.

Allen pulled up his pants, and started crying some more, half in pain over the shallow cuts, half in relief that it was over, or so he thought. Then he heard Tyki say, "Walk five steps over there, turn around, and close your eyes. Then count to ten."

"O-o-o-o-kay." Allen stuttered and sobbed. He stumbled as he walked, but still did as Tyki said and started counting. "O-o-one. T-two. Thr-ee-ee. F-four. F-f-five. S-six. S-s-sev-even. Ei-ei-ei-ei-ght. N-n-n-n-ine." by this time Allen was terrified and could hardly make the sounds for the final number as he tensed up and prepared himself for whatever was coming. "T-t-t-en-n-n- OWWOOOOOOO!"

Tyki had wound up his hardest kick and nailed Allen where he knew it would hurt most. The bell rang and the three bullies left Allen alone at the back of the field while they went inside, laughing about how well they had hurt the poor boy, and congratulating each other on their efforts.

Allen laid in the snow, in pain and plenty of misery. Against the three of them, he hadn't stood a chance, and it hurt more to think that he believed that this would be the best recess of his life, making friends.

It hurt so much that Allen couldn't remember why he'd even wanted to make friends in the first place. It was just an accident that he was late, and he didn't want to be punished. Is this what all friends do to each other when accidents happen? Allen hated the idea of friends and just wanted to be left by himself. He screamed, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" while not really paying attention to his surroundings.

The teacher that was helping him up startled at the scream. The teacher had expected a bratty child trying to stay out for recess longer, not a little boy crying in the snow. She wondered if he'd hurt himself climbing a tree, because there was red snow under the tree nearby, and some drops led toward this boy. She picked up the boy and brought him to the nurse, despite the boy's desperate cries for her to let him go.

September 2006

The start of eighth grade. Allen hoped that this year would go by quickly so that he could graduate from this stupid school and go to high school far away from anyone he knew, if he made it to high school. He never wanted to see them again. He hated everyone because they all hated him for something he didn't do. He showed up for school in third grade with white hair, a scar on his face over his left eye, and a burnt red arm. They all hated that he was different and either ignored him or abused him physically, verbally, and emotionally.

He hated that these people hurt him. He didn't mind the people that ignored him, they just left him alone and didn't really care. They didn't hurt him, but they didn't help either. At least they didn't hurt him.

Allen just wanted to know when he could get out of this hellhole. Hadn't the last nine years since Kindergarten been enough torture? At least it was only one more year until high school, if he'd even make it that long.

Allen paused in his thoughts. He didn't want to die, so where were those thoughts coming from? There shouldn't be anything wrong with him. Thoughts of death and dying had been in his mind since his accident just before third grade, but nothing that sounded so... suicidal. Why did thoughts of how much better the world be without him keep running through his mind? Allen didn't know, and decided not to care, since he really couldn't do anything about it. Ignore the thoughts and they will go away. Never stop, keep walking. That's what Mana had said before he died.

Though he was worried about all of that, Allen wasn't worried about his grades, he even had high enough grades to get into the Black Order high school for exceptionally smart students. Keeping an A+ average was easy for him. He didn't have to pay attention in class, and he could still easily do the homework before class was let out. The worst problem with this year was the seating arrangement. Pods of three, assigned by the teacher. He hoped that he wouldn't be seated with any of Road, Tyki, or Earl. Once again, they were all in his class. Just like every year.

"At pod four, Noise Marie, Daisya Barry, and Allen Walker." stated the teacher.

Allen was relieved to be paired with people who, in the past, had always just ignored him. At least, since that week or so where he played soccer with Daisya. They were also smart enough that Allen was confident that they wouldn't try to cheat off of him as many other students did. Tyki, Road, and Earl were seated in the pod beside him, but that was still better than being seated with them. It wasn't too likely that they'd try bullying him in the middle of class, after all.

"Hello Allen. I don't believe we've talked before, but I am Noise Marie. Nice to meet you." said Noise. "And this is Daisya, my friend."

"Hello. Good to meet you too. I hope we can get along through this year as a pod." said Allen, using his fake smile. He'd developed it to fool the idiot teachers into thinking he was fine whenever he was bullied. It was a mask he'd adopted when he was eight, and it stuck. Now that he's almost thirteen, it's just a force of habit.

"Cool. We have a kid here who looks like he's smart. You smart kid?" asked Daisya.

"Yes. I am considered exceptionally smart by the teachers here. Don't worry about me cheating on you. I don't need to. And my name is Allen. I believe we've met before." said Allen

"Wait... I remember you! You're the kid who played soccer with me for a week or so back when we were little kids! I never saw you again after that. Where'd you go? I wanted to be friends with you. Even if you don't like soccer. Noise doesn't play, and we're still tight? Right?" said Daisya.

"Yup." agreed Noise.

"I didn't go anywhere. I was just in the other class." said Allen. "I'm sorry we couldn't have been friends. But you look like you've had a good time anyways. I'm glad for you."

"Yeah. It was great. But what happened to you? Didn't you used to have red hair? Is it dyed? That's really cool! I can't believe your parents let you do that. And aren't you hot wearing a sweater in September?" asked Daisya.

Allen dropped his smile and spoke threateningly. "That's none of your business." He put the smile back up and resumed his cheerful demeanour. "If you'd still like to be friends, I won't object."

But Allen would still be wary. In his experience, friends only exist to hurt each other. They build up confidences, only to tear them down. He wouldn't let them win at this game. He'd challenge himself to wait until high school, to see how far he could make it while keeping these new "friends."

June 2007

Graduation finally arrived and Allen was confused. Somehow, he actually felt good in his relationship with Daisya and Noise. They were able to talk about innocent things, even if they knew nothing of his personal life. Was this friendship? Or something else? Either way, it was only temporary. Allen knew that when he made this agreement at the beginning of the year. He would probably never see either of them again, and that was alright with him. Even if they all end up in the same high school, well, it's a big school. With any luck, he wouldn't know anyone at Black Order High School. Hopefully he wouldn't see any of his old classmates ever again after this final graduation ceremony.

The valedictorian gave a speech and the students all walked up on stage and grabbed their diplomas. Happy parents took pictures of their girls in dresses and their boys in suits. Then the eighth-grade only dance in the gym started. Allen opted to go home. As he walked, he flipped off the school. Good riddance. Fuck you! Allen never swears, but felt that this school deserved it. FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKFUCKFUCKYOU!

Allen walked home to meet Cross, who didn't come to the ceremony, as expected. He doesn't like these things. He doesn't really care what Allen did as long as he earned him some money, cooked his and his current girlfriend's food, did the household chores, and didn't cause him any bother. Basically, shut up, be a housewife, and get good grades so that he wouldn't hear from the school.

He was very angry, back when the school called because they'd thought Allen had hurt himself back in third grade, and thought Allen was being bullied (and he was) because of his appearance. He had told Allen to stop getting bullied. Cross wouldn't help Allen at all, and told Allen that it was his fault in the first place that he looked that way.

Allen felt that it was not really his fault. He can't control the fact that he was a clumsy child and kind of weak too. He had fixed that now, but it isn't entirely his fault that he is this way now.

Well, even if it was his own fault, bringing this torture on himself, he still felt as though he could cry. And it's okay, as long as he cries quietly. Allen learned how to do that quickly, because Cross hates the sounds of crying children. And he has Timcampy to hug and hold. Allen still loves Tim, despite being too old for stuffed animals. He makes Allen feel better sometimes, just by being there to be hugged.

When Allen got back to his house, he grabbed Timcampy and started squeezing the life out of that stuffed... Whatever he is. Allen was glad that Cross wasn't back yet. He could talk out loud and Cross wouldn't hear him.

"You know Tim? Even though I sort of had friends, I still hated this year. Why? What' wrong with me? But I guess they aren't really my friends. I mean, I never told them anything and they didn't help when I was in trouble this year, or maybe they didn't notice. When Tyki and Earl got me during an independent work session and we had to separate our desks into columns and rows. Tyki went in front of me and Earl behind me. They slowly moved their desks closer to me, trapping me. The teacher didn't notice, then they grabbed me and started choking me. I couldn't breathe and I think I almost passed out. It hurt so much Tim!"

"And then that time during our DPA (Daily Physical Activity) when our class was supposed to play that laugh-chain* game and I had to put my head on Road. She almost broke my neck, I swear! She subtly used her arm to twist my head too far, and she kept elbowing the back of my neck and it hurt. It was hard to hold my head for a week Tim. I hate her. Just like I hate Tyki and Earl. I didn't do anything to them. I only look different than everyone else. And I don't want to fight back. That's mean. I don't want to hurt anyone. I try to be a good person, but it's never enough for anyone. You're my only friend Tim."

"Cross doesn't even think I'm good enough. I mean, having top marks, near perfect, in every class, doing all of the chores, cooking his meals close enough to perfection, and being exactly what he wants of me is never good enough! I live up to the expectations and still fail to meet them! I can't take it! Why don't I just quit now!" Wait what did he say? "I'm not suicidal. I can't be. I have to be perfect for everyone. Right Tim? You know I have to be perfect. Or I can't live. I CAN'T LIVE! It hurts. Always it hurts. I always hurt inside. It's almost becoming normal, the constant hurt and sadness. At least faking it is easy. No one will ever have to know how much it hurts. They can live ignorant and I can make them happy, right? Isn't that right Tim? But if I just took myself out of their pictures... NO! STOP THINKING THAT WAY ALLEN! I CAN'T! I'm just weird-looking. Other than that I'm a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy kid, right? I have to be. I just have to be."

*laugh-chain – people lay in a chain, one person's head on another's stomach. Then the one at the top of the chain laughs and causes the next person to laugh as well, due the funny sensation their heads feel. It's kinda fun... not really physical activity, but that's one of the activities we did at my school during DPA.

Till next time,

-Shippo704