Trying Not to Be the Villain

A HariPo oneshot

by mew-tsubaki

Note: The Harry Potter characters belong to J.K. Rowling, not to me. This pairing is a Mew and Mor's Weird Pairing, which you may find in the M&MWP forum (see my profile for details). Check out and join the forum FUN! Read, review, and enjoy! *Note: Though this was written as a prequel to "the thing you left behind," you don't have to read that afterwards, since this offers a kind of AU perspective from Lysander's POV.

- ^-^3

"'Cause I know I would regret if I ever left
(Take a look just a little closer)
Because she's the one that makes it feel like home
And I see now, but I can't fight
(Wait here just a little longer
Hold on tight, you're about to lose her)
These feelings that I have inside for her"

—The Scene Aesthetic, "So Peter You've Become A Pirate"

My heart leapt into my throat and sank to the bottom of my stomach at the same time. What had my parents just said?

"Well, we're not going to hit Rio de Janeiro during Carnaval…but we'll be visiting some of the big cities on the weekends as we work in the rainforest," my father said with a large smile. He was so excited, he'd not only pulled his burgundy hair back into a ponytail but he'd even shaved his normal scruff.

"So…with you out of school, we decided you should jump right into Wizarding naturalism with us!" My mother's light eyes were so bright and expectant.

Meanwhile, I just sat in my chair at the kitchen table. I wondered if my twin knew…then again, Lorcan was still asleep in his room, and I doubted my parents would have told him before telling me. With or without me, my parents were going to South America. But they'd asked me because they knew how interested in creatures I was. Someday, I wanted to take over Hagrid's Care for Magical Creatures job; it was a class I loved and wanted to teach myself.

How could I say no to this opportunity?

"I'd love to go with you…!" I said without thinking. And, as my parents expressed their delight, I excused myself and returned to my room to think about how heavy the words I'd just said were.

I wasn't even two weeks out of Hogwarts, and now I had told my parents that I would go across the world with them. What was I thinking? Was I really so selfish as to think only of my future and my résumé if I did this?

I sighed. I didn't know how I was going to tell you, Victoire.

At the thought, I tensed. I mean, I didn't know how I was going to tell you, Vic, and Roxanne and Dominique…but I couldn't convince myself that I wanted to inform Roxie and Dom nearly as much as I had to let you know. In our little group of friends—even though you were older than us by two years and Dom's sister—I had been the closest to you. You were the first person to whom I'd spoken at Hogwarts and the first Weasley I'd met before Hogwarts. You were my oldest, my closest friend…hell, I could've ventured to say you were my best mate. But I couldn't call you that, because doing so might hurt Roxie's or Dom's feelings, and they were my close friends, too.

I sighed again as I sank to the floor in front of my bedroom door, staring at my belongings. As if doing so would help to convince me that you didn't mean more to me than Roxie or Dom did.

But how would I tell you?

It might have sounded as simple as that, but it was a question I'd been wondering since my third year (your fifth). Except, before, it had always been an issue of how would I tell you my feelings, not how would I tell you I was leaving for at least a year.

Victoire, you and I are on the same wavelength. We share the same brain, the same imagination, the same—holy Helga, we just click. You seem to understand that, but I don't know if I can ever make you understand exactly what I mean. Those rumors around school, that we looked good together…they're nothing compared to how we work together.

But our friendship is also precious to me, just as these more-than-friendly feelings are.

I waited until the next day, because you'd been so busy. Accepting an apprenticeship with Madam Malkin, you had been one busy Billywig, and I had sincerely missed our chats and time spent together once you got caught up in the business rush. But you set aside that day for me.

Seeing you made all my worries fade, because seeing you was such a natural thing. It was almost as if you hadn't gone away at all. Which you hadn't—you were always either in London or at home at Shell Cottage. But let me explain—seeing you put me at ease. As busy as my last school year had been, I felt the stress go away not upon graduation but upon that day when we met up to talk. I hadn't seen you in so long, but you still had that calming, relaxing effect on me. It made me feel a bit glad that Teddy hadn't been so close to you as to gain the same effect. The effect was for me and for me alone.

So, as I was feeling so grand, being with you and feeling as though the old days had never disappeared, I said that stupid, stupid thing: "I'll be going abroad with Mum and Dad—it's going to be great!"

I wanted you to be happy for me…but a part of me also had wanted to see you frown, to see you get angry, to have you tell me that I shouldn't go anywhere. When you blinked in surprise and said, "That's brilliant. Hey, hey—bring back souvenirs!" we just laughed and acted as if that were that.

But I was feeling so selfish. I wanted to blurt out everything and to keep nothing from you, just as I had asked you to do so many times. I was such a hypocrite; I always told you that you could talk to me about anything…and, yet, there I was, telling you nothing.

Yet seeing you laugh gave me pause. Did I even have a right to demand so much of you? I mean, you're two years older. In that way, you'll always be ahead of me. You could go and make a name for yourself. You could go and make new friends, though I know you'd never forget me, Roxie, and Dom. You could—you could go and find someone your age or a little bit older, someone with whom you completely synchronize, because I'm probably a little too weird for your tastes. Who was I to hold you back?

If I love you, shouldn't I have said nothing?

So I said nothing. I said, instead, "I'll get something good, promise." And I tried to think of things that would suit you, look good with you… At the same time, I began to bury my feelings for you, because we might have been best mates, but I couldn't weigh you down. So maybe it was a good thing that I'd leave. If I stayed, I knew for sure that I'd slip up, that I'd go too far, that I'd say something that would hold you back. I knew I'd do or say something that I'd regret.

But my biggest regret of all was leaving in the first place.

- ^-^3

Half as long as "the thing you left behind," but still nice. For once, I've written a Vicsander from his POV that shows he loves her. For once, he loves her even though he doesn't realize that she loves him back. I'm not a fan of The Scene Aesthetic, but that song is nice and the lyrics are quite sad. Before anyone asks, I'm not going to do anything else in the universe of "Trying Not to Be the Villain" and "the thing you left behind," sorry.

Thanks for reading, and please review.

-mew-tsubaki :'(

2017 note: Y'know, rereading this 2012 piece, I think my closing A/N from back then p much said it all. This piece is rly just wishful thinking.