The Hold of an Ocean

It was dawn when Andy left.

She detached herself from Sam's side slowly but firmly and he didn't argue; he was too exhausted, both emotionally and physically, to argue. They didn't speak, just met each other's eyes for a long moment, communicating in their own way. Then, with a feather-light brush of her lips against his, she rocked to her feet and slipped into Jerry's house through the back door.

Sam's eyes followed Andy's form as she made her way into his friend's house, silent and thoughtful.

He had a vague notion of what she was going to do. Somehow, he sensed it and part of the ice around his heart had started to chip away. Perhaps it was because of the words she had let slipped sometime during the night or the words he had responded with.

"It's like I'm stuck," Andy whispered as they gazed upwards. "I keep taking two steps forward, but always end up going backwards whether I like it or not. I keep trying to just press onwards, but I'm not going very far."

She sighed and closed her eyes.

"Andy, even if you take two steps forward and one back, you will eventually get where you're going. You see?"

She blinked and tilted her head to regard him thoughtfully.

"I think so."

Inside, the lights were left on dim (sometime after two in the morning, Traci and Jerry had sent to rest of the party home and went to bed. Neither had protested to the two people seated in the backyard) and a pot of coffee had started to brew automatically.

Snagging a mug from the counter (it looked relatively clean, Andy noted), she poured herself a generous cup, sniffed at the dark liquid like a kitten to milk and dug her keys from her pocket. With a last glance at the backyard, where Sam sat and watched her with stormy eyes, she offered him a small smile before making her way to the front.

She wasn't running. But it was time to leave. Time to continue to put herself back together.

Hopping into the cab of her dad's truck, she fired the engine and backed out of the driveway, heading home. At the moment, she was filled with a sense of calm, something she hadn't felt since the accident and Andy was determined to hold onto it. After the night spent watching the stars and simply talking about everything and anything, Andy had come to realize what she had to do next.

She had to go backwards before she could go forwards.

For the past four months, she had known something was holding her back. It was blatantly obvious. Part of it was the feeling of loss after Sam had brought her back. But there had always been more to it; a wall she couldn't give a name too.

She thought it was her revulsion towards water. But it wasn't so simple.

Andy had to go back to the South Pier; 'take two steps forward and one step back and eventually, you'll get where you're going.'

An hour later, she found herself parked just beyond the fence, hands trembling in her jacket pockets and staring across the planks and through the shipping containers to the water.

Her vision had started to flicker between the present day sunshine of fall and the night darkness of late spring four months past.

The night was quiet and the moon bright.

A new chain was wrapped around the bars of the entrance way, sturdy padlock in place. This early in the morning, there wouldn't be workers about for another hour or so. Taking a breath to stay her nerves, Andy walked quickly to the fence and scrambled over.

Landing lightly on the balls of her feet, Andy remained in a crouch for a moment, clinging strongly to the residual warmth and fearlessness Sam had left her with.

Moonlight danced off the small waves, little diamonds on the water.

Standing, Andy made her way towards the closer buildings, peering in windows through habit. But all she saw was dark rooms and empty offices.

Much like before.

Threading her way through the smattering of containers, all she saw was the shadows of night and memories.

Certain no one was about, she headed towards the shipping passage.

Following what she remembered, Andy made her way to the shipping passage, almost on autopilot. There was something storming within her, a mess of terror, loss and anguish.

There was a ship in the same slip as that night, although remarkably smaller and different shape, with more containers stacked much the same. The sun from the present had chased away any overhanging shadows where someone could hide.

Cast in shadows from the moonlight and the container itself, they were easy to miss.

Skittering away from the ship anxiously, Andy felt her body begin to hyperventilate on its own. She fought to control her breathing as she neared the edge, the vast expanse of water growing larger before her.

Her stomach twisted in knots, Andy thought she was going to be sick. Instead, when she put her hands on her knees and bent at the waist, nothing came up.

She should've seen them.

Almost there.

Only a few more meters.

You can do it.

Andy cursed herself when her body was wracked with shakes and couldn't move until they faded. But they did, battled away by her will to just finish this.

Slowly but surely, she approached the edge.

And then, she was there.

Time snapped into high speed and the water welcomed her into its frozen embrace.

For a second, she stood strong and solid, gazing out over the water without a care in the world.

An instant later, her knees had given out on her and she curled into a ball, battered by so many emotions and memories and thoughts and pain at once, she couldn't think straight.

Andy remembered every detail of her fall, each second spent in the water and the eternity where she had been enveloped in warmth. It all came back at once, a barrage of sensations that ripped at her inside.

Just as suddenly has it had happened, the attack halted and Andy was left with a clear mind and light heart.

At first, she simply sprawled out on her back and grinned, breathing the air and smelling the water. Lifting her arms above her, she examined the faint pink lines marring the skin of her forearms, caused by the rough wood from the piers support beam, and a laugh bubbled from her lips.

The wall was gone.

After a while, she got to her feet, left the pier behind and headed to the truck.

She had taken her step backwards; she had gone back to beginning of all this and now she could start moving forward again.

She was well aware that simply visiting the pier and shattering the wall wasn't enough, not quiet, to finish putting her pieces back together. But now she knew where she was going.

And soon, just like she had promised Sam and intended to follow through, Andy would be able to love and live as she wished. The knowledge buoyed her and would keep her head above the metaphorical water.

…

...

Authors note: Thanks for reading!

As always, any comments, questions, concerns and critiques are always welcome and greatly appreciated.

All italicized writing but for the first and large chunk, is taken from Moonlight on the Sea chapter one, if you haven't read it.

Also, don't forgot to vote for the Rookies Choice RB Awards Final Ballot, which is now posted over on The Parade forum! The Final Ballot is opened until July 15th, where you can vote for your favorite fic in each category! Please stop by and send in your votes (you don't have to vote for each category).

A big thank you goes to dcj for helping me moderate the Awards.

Thanks.