"You've taken care of everyone else. Now it's time to take care of you."

I'm pretty sure there's a bunch of people that would look at me sideways when they heard what I was doing to "take care of myself". They'd say my first stop should be a spa, or to take a vacation, or something like that. Something Commander Shepard-Madelyne Shepard-doesn't know how to do. Not yet, anyway. Maybe it'll come with time, but not now. Not yet.

I'd kissed Kaidan and he'd asked in every way except with words if I wanted him to come along, if I needed him. I told him I'd be home soon. I didn't tell him that I'd likely need him every step of the way because that need, that desire to keep him close was a crutch in this instance. It wasn't that he wasn't important, it's that there are just some things you have to do by yourself, for yourself. Sometimes you have to prove to yourself you can do it even if-and maybe especially when-you don't think you can.

So I'd taken a transport out to the Attican Traverse, to a planet I hadn't stepped foot on for years. When it comes into view, the bright blue crescent of it's horizon splitting the dark canvas of space I realize those years feel more like a lifetime. Decades. Centuries. Eons.

It's begun healing since I was here last but there will always be reminders. This watery world will always have scars. Just like me.

"Welcome to Virmire, Commander."

I swallow around the lump in my throat and nod at the man before I shoulder my pack and start up the road.

Don't get me wrong I hadn't really wanted to come here but maybe that's just what those walls of defense I've put up are telling me. I know I need to be here, at least for a little while. I needed to come back to this place where everything changed and where I crossed a line I will never step back over.

Even if I wish I could.

The planet was left untouched by the Reaper War and the facility, still in ruins and charred, have been left as they were save for scavengers looking to pawn off anything of value and willing or able to brave the radiation. There wasn't much, only memories of those who gave up everything to stop Saren. It takes a couple hours to get out there, and the shuttle driver tries to convince me there's nothing worth seeing but I insist. I came all this way.

And when I'm standing there finally, ankle deep in water and uncertain if I can even take another step I close my eyes and hope I hear her voice. I just want to hear her again.

Of all the times I've heard Ash, usually when I was strapped to a hospital bed and pumped full of painkillers, I had really hoped I'd hear her when I came back. I don't want her to be here, she deserves better, but I guess I though it might make it easier to do what I had come here for. I'm talking about forgiveness, I'm talking about taking care of myself. It's about letting go. Not forgetting, but moving on.

I don't let myself say I don't deserve it, to hear her or to be forgiven because that's what I've been telling myself all these years and that's what I have to let go of.

Ash will always be on my mind, will always be important to me. She's the reason I'm standing here today; the reason Kaidan's still alive. Hell, the reason any of us are. If it hadn't been for her who knows how this whole thing would have gone down.

Time had slowed down as her choice had settled heavy on her shoulders. As the realization that she would have to leave someone behind dawned on her she clenched her hand around the butt of her rifle before leveling it off to make another shot. She would have to leave someone behind. If they were going to make it off this planet, if they were going to have any hope of stopping Saren someone would have to die.

"Commander!" Ashley's voice had been full of conviction, just like always. "Get LT and go!"

"Ash-"

"We don't have time for me to convince you this is the right call to make. You're going to have to take it on faith!" The sound of gunfire in the background punctuated her statement.

"I can't leave you-"

"Commander!" There was an explosion and the ground had shaken beneath my feet. "Shep," Ash's voice was softer then, insistent. "It has been an honor serving with you. I will hold them off while you get away. Now get Kaidan and go!"

Just before the com had clicked off her voice had come through one more time, her words stuttered by the booms and blasts of battle, and for a long time I would tell myself it was too broken to make out.

But she had told me to go and I had. I had run just like the tears are running down my face now.

It was time to let go. Not of Ash, but of the guilt for making the choice I did. I can't change it. I can't go back. Ever forward, Shep. Ash had smiled at me from over the table where she liked to tinker in the belly of the Normandy. Yes, ever forward.

Forgiving myself won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight, but letting myself make my peace with this place and the ghosts here will be a start. And maybe someday I'll be able to recall Ash without the heavy twist of regret clawing in my belly.

My sensor beeps, telling me the exposure to radiation is beginning to border on dangerous and while those Cerberus implants would help it isn't worth chancing it.

Through the bursts of gunfire and the deafening echoes of explosions her voice had been calm, steady, and full of conviction. It was that same conviction, that same steadfast determination I needed to adopt now.

They may be the last words she ever spoke, and they're the ones I recite now. The ones that have trickled through my mind during the silent hours of my recovery as I struggled through the pain and hopelessness and guilt. The ones I will carry with me as I go, ever forward; as I recover.

"One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."