CAUTION: THIS CHAPTER HAS MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS

Hey everybody! First off let me just say AHHHHH! You guys are literally the greatest! Anyway, I swear you guys read my mind. Hopefully this chapter satisfies your needs. Also one more thing, I got back really late from my "daycation" yesterday, so I didn't get to writing this chapter right when I got back, but hopefully this isn't too late when you read it! I NIFF YOU! Happy Reading!

Disclaimer: As awesome as that would be, I do not own Glee or any of it's characters

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Jeff

Falling apart was never a fun time for Jeff. It really isn't for anyone, but for him it was always a traumatic experience for him. But he figured tonight that he'd just let himself fall apart, with just a small pinch of hope that someone would come and pick up the pieces and put him back together again. But of course no one would. Especially the person who he wished would. And just like that, he could feel what little hope he had left crumble as his whole body shook, and his throat tightened as he sobbed.

His whole body became weak as he wrapped his frail arms around himself. He didn't want to be broken anymore. He didn't want his parents to think he was a complete disappointment. He didn't want to come home to them being drunk or drugged up, and be welcomed with the sting of his father's belt. The blonde shook his head wildly. He couldn't let those thoughts take over his body once again. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks now, burning against his raw skin as they made their way down.

God, he just wished that he could be in Nick's arms again. He always knew how to make him feel like he mattered, and that he was cared for by at least one person in this world. But he knew that probably wouldn't happen again. The other boy deserved to spend his time with people who weren't as screwed up as Jeff was. He didn't deserve someone as amazing as him to love him.

Just then, it seemed like his prayers were answered when he heard Nick enter their dorm. The blonde tried to control his emotions for even just a minute, but failed completely. He knew that he wouldn't even care that he was having an emotional breakdown right now. He didn't even say anything to him. Knowing this, he really didn't care if his roommate saw him like this. It didn't matter anymore. He didn't matter. He never did.

Suddenly his breath hitched when he heard Nick's voice. "Come here," he said. Jeff turned to his side, facing him. He inspected the other boy's face. His eyes were big, and sad. Like he was sorry for everything. Sorry for skipping out on their movie night, and not being there as much as he used to. The blonde couldn't believe it though. He couldn't believe that he was genuinely sorry. The feeling just felt so surreal to him. He looked back at him, seeing that there was also a streak of realization in his eyes too. He couldn't quite see what his realization had been, but it made his heart tighten in his chest for some reason. It felt like he was sharing that same enlightenment, but he still couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

Jeff hesitated to get up from his bed when he saw his friend's arms open for him to climb into. But he managed to pick himself up and crawl into those arms that he had so desired to be in. He slipped his arms around him, and buries his face into his chest. For the first time in a very long time, he feels like it's okay to cry. It's okay to fall apart. And Nick doesn't mind. Nick cares. The two lay there for a very long time without saying a word. The blonde's cries fill the silence in the room and he clings onto his best friend as though his life depended on it. As if they were each others anchors to keep the other stable. To keep each other safe. Both of them always wanted to feel safe, and to feel like someone was there for them, and now it felt like they had finally found the one person who would give them all of that and more.

The blonde gasped for breath, feeling like he couldn't cry anymore. His stomach clenched as he closed his eyes, his body going limp in the other boy's embrace. Finally he stopped breaking down, and his breathing started evening out. But his heart was still beating wildly in his chest and he didn't know why. But for the moment he didn't want to worry with it. Jeff lifted his head and laid it on Nick's chest, looking up at him through misty eyes.

"Are you still my friend, Nicky?" he whispered, feeling his throat tighten as he thought of the possibilities of answers that he could reply with. The other boy looked a bit shocked that he would even ask.

"Of course! Why would you even think that I-" he cut himself off there, and bit his lip. "Oh." his voice got quiet. "Jeff, I..." he shook his head, trying to figure out what he was going to say. "I'm sorry. I really am. I just got swept away by the guys I guess." he added, lamely. Jeff looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. "I just thought that I needed some friends to fall back on if someday I lost you. Which I probably just did, and I'm really sorry and I don't ever want to lose you because I really care about you because you're my best friend and I lo-" the brunette was cut off there when Jeff caved in and hugged him tightly.

Never had he ever thought someone would actually say that to him. He never thought anyone would ever be upset if they lost him, especially the person who he had seemed to not care about him at all during the last few weeks. It was amazing feeling, and he could feel his walls come down without regret or care. He didn't have to put them up for him. And he didn't want to.

"You didn't lose me. I'm right here," Jeff whispered in his ear, smirking. "And if you won't go, I won't go. Deal?" he asked, pulling away from him, lifting his pinky. Nick rolled his eyes playfully, but still wrapped his pinky around the other boy's.

"Deal."

Jeff got a big smile on his face now as he looked into the brunette's eyes. He couldn't believe any of this was even happening. He didn't lose his best friend, and for the first time in a long time he was happy. But that happiness would only be short lived when he realized something. Nick hardly knew anything about him or what he had been through. He needed to know. The blonde knew that he'd never usually do this, but this was different. Right now he was wearing his heart on his sleeves, and his walls weren't coming back up anytime soon, so he might as well.

"Nicky, we need to talk."

Nick

He got a fluttery feeling in his stomach as he said that. What did he want to talk about? Just then a whole rush of possibilities rushed into his mind of what the hell he could have wanted to talk about. He wasn't sure if he was ready to talk yet. Why couldn't they just lay there, embracing the warmth and comfort in each others arms, and nothing else? Nick nodded slowly, trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat.

"Go ahead," he whispered.

Jeff took his hands like he had so many times before, and sat up. He pulled him up with him, their fingers still locked together. The other boy didn't look at him though. He just stared at their hands, nibbling on his bottom lip. Nick just wished he could lift his chin up to look at him. Then their faces would be so close together. They would just stare at each other for what seemed like forever, and there would be a moment where the blonde would look away from him, and he would guide him back to reality and kiss him. And he would pour everything into it, and suddenly Jeff would understand how much he meant to him, and how much he cared.

But that would never happen of course. He'd be too much of a coward to do something like that. Besides, he would never have feelings for him like that, and that would ruin everything they ever had. And it was just a stupid little crush that he'd get over eventually, so what's the point?

The other boy didn't look up at him for a long time. His eyes shifted from their hands to somewhere else around the room, but not at him. It looked like he was trying to decide whether he wanted to say anything or not. The brunette looked at their hands again, starting to realize that the other boy's were getting quite clammy and shaky. He squeezed them, and kept rubbing his thumb along the small patch of pale skin between Jeff's forefinger and thumb in slow, reassuring swipes.

"It's okay," he cooed. "You can tell me anything." he reassured. He finally met his gaze, and gave him a broken smile.

"I'm broken," his voice cracked as he said this. "And I've never told anyone why. People have always just assumed I don't want to tell anyone, I guess. But I do. I hoped for so long that I could have someone to talk to about this, but I never thought anyone would care," he swallowed. "But now I see that you care, and so I want to tell you." Nick felt his heart fly up into his throat as he said that. It felt like the greatest honor that he was the first, and only one to talk to about whatever he was going to talk about. It made him feel good. Like he could be there for someone, and maybe he would have someone be there for him in return.

Jeff

The boy felt a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach as soon as he said it, but again he wasn't quite sure what it was. At this point, he wasn't quite sure of anything. He didn't know why he was about to spill pretty much everything about his life to him, putting himself in all kinds of dangerous situations. His feelings and current well being were at stake now, and he wasn't sure if he would be able to do it. How could he even begin to explain it to Nick? He took a deep breath, and squeezed the boy's hands.

"I have never had a friend in my whole entire life. No one. Not even an imaginary friend, because I knew they'd just leave me. So I really don't get why you're not leaving me. I'm not worth it." he choked out. He knew that he wasn't okay, that he wasn't right in the head. And he didn't know if he ever would be. He had to hurt himself in order to feel something, or to stop from feeling. Someone in their right mind would never do that. It wasn't right, but it was what he felt like he had had to do to cope with reality. And it wasn't like it made a difference or anything. He really was worthless. That's what his parent's always told him, so why should he believe any differently?

Everyone always left him, always threw him away like a used Kleenex. He had deserved all of the pain. He was usually always hurting, but he couldn't find any logical way to deal with any of it. How do you cope with pain that's in your head? How do you deal with all of the sorrow and anger and hurt in your heart? Jeff did know how to deal with all the struggles in his life, and everything that clogged his head with so much hurt. But he knew how to deal with the physical pain. The burn marks, the lashes from his father's belt, the cuts from his razor, everything. It was easy for him to deal with those since it was a daily occurrence, and he knew how to cope with that.

Other times it was just so overwhelming for him. He didn't even know how to begin thinking through all of it. There was just so much pain, so much hurt, how could one person -like Jeff- ever be able to deal with all of it? It would make him a bit dizzy just attempting to put it all together in his head. So he would need to focus, need something to keep him in reality, in what was really going on around him. The pain helped with that. It kept him from having to deal with the whole whirl of emotions he wasn't equipped to deal with by himself. But how could he even begin to explain that to Nick? He would just think he was disgusting. And he was. He didn't deserve to even be affiliated with some someone as great as Nick. Someone as pure, and innocent as him. Soon enough he would just pull him into his pity party, and soil him. Though, he supposed he wouldn't have to worry about that once Nick knew what he did to himself. He'd walk out of his life and never look back.

But there was something inside of him that kept him from wanting to say anything to him about it. Jeff didn't want him to leave, but he knew he deserved to be left behind like that. But God, he really wanted this. He wanted someone to talk to, and to have someone who would listen to him. That's all he could have ever wanted. Even if he could make the pain go away, he would rather have someone to turn to like Nick. Maybe before he had met him he would have chosen to make the hurt go away, but there was a certain something about him. He always felt safe around him, and when they were close like they were now, he had this amazing feeling inside of him. One like he never had before. That one feeling he had confirmed as good.

Suddenly he was taken out of his thoughts when Nick piped up at started talking.

"But you are worth it. You're worth a lot to me," Nick shrugged, pretending like what he said wasn't a big deal. But it was for Jeff.

"Thanks," he blushed a bit before continuing. He decided that he would just leave off talking about all of his scars for another time. He wouldn't be able to handle that now. He wouldn't be able to handle the sting rejection. He didn't know if he would ever be able to handle it, but especially right now he wouldn't be able to. But he had to talk about something. Something he could handle. Suddenly it came to him.

"But anyway, I guess I felt like this because of my parents. Because they pretty much think I'm a disappointment," his face fell as his throat started to tighten at the thought of his parents. He didn't know what he would be able to say about them. He certainly couldn't say anything about where all of his scars and bruises came from, and why they were there. Jeff looked back into Nick's eyes, and could feel tears start to burn in his own. Don't break down, Jeff. Just don't. That's not going to make this whole confession thing better for either of you.

"I don't think I've told you about them a lot, have I?" Nick shook his head. He sighed, letting go of one of his hands to rub his forehead. "Well, they both have very high reputations, and they take a crapload of pride in that. So me being, well... me apparently just ruins their reputations. So they take it upon themselves to do everything in their power to change me," he gave a broken laugh, looking on the other boy's face for his reaction. His eyes widened a bit, and he looked around, like he was hiding something too. Something about his parents. But he didn't say anything. He just nodded.

"So, uhm, they pretty much don't like me for me. And that really sucks, because your parents are supposed to love you no matter what, but they don't." he spat out, balling his fist. "So they try to make me just like them, so they can have a son to be proud of. A son who isn't such a disappointment. They want the perfect little boy who gets all A's, and goes out with all the nice, respectable girls, and has a ton of friends, and who is polite and well-mannered, and who doesn't embarrass them all the time," his throat closed up now, and he tried desperately to try to swallow that damn lump that was only getting bigger, when he heard Nick's voice.

"Me too." he said, pushing his back against the wall. "My mom tried to change me a long time ago. She'd make me play football with my brothers, who proceeded to all beat me up several times," he nervously looked down then, nibbling on his bottom lip. "And she used to do everything in her power to change me, because apparently the Duvals were supposed to be strapping young men, who all dated the pretty girls and so on and so forth. But she just couldn't have a gay son, so she pretty much disowned me." he finished, shutting his eyes tight. So they were both on the same boat there. That made him feel so much better. Now he had someone who cared about him, and who had a bit of understanding where he was coming from. But Nick didn't seem like the person to beat himself up over it like he did. He didn't seem as broken as he was.

Jeff let go of his hand, and laid back, resting his head on the other boy's lap. "I'm really sorry, Nicky." he muttered, staring up at him. "It's okay," he replied, shrugging it off. It was like inside he didn't really care. But he could see it in his eyes about how upset he was about it. It must have been hard for him to say that. He didn't seem like one who would spill out his feelings either.

"You know what, Nicky? I try really hard to be the perfect son. I try so my dad won't hate me so much. But he just hates me. And God, I don't know what he'd think of me if I ever came out to him," his stomach tightened at the very thought of it. It was something he thought about a lot. He couldn't even imagine the amount of pain that would bring of his coming out of the closet. His father hated the homosexuals. He said it was a sin to humanity if you loved someone of the same gender. But it wasn't just the gays that he hated. He hated everyone below him. The lower class, the middle class, or just anyone who didn't look right to him. So he had to strive to be the perfect son for him, but on the inside he wasn't. But most of the time, his normal, eccentric self would come out, and that would bring his parents to drinking. And to popping pills. So their inner monsters -monsters scarier than the ones they were when they were taking him to see films about how everyone who wasn't a perfect Christian like them would go to Hell- would come out, and he had the bruises and scars to prove it. It was like he could use those permanent marks on his skin to prove anything to anyone.

He hated that he couldn't be who his father wanted, but at the same time he really didn't want to be like that boring shell he had tried to form himself into to make him happy. But he didn't want to be who he was now, even if it was someone that Nick actually seemed to like. And just the fact that he liked him for him made him feel amazing, but extremely guilty that he didn't want to be that person anymore. But maybe it would be better for him if he was the person that he kept hidden inside along with the broken person he was right now.

When he looked back up, Nick had a confused expression on his face. Sure, he understood that he was scared to come out, but he wasn't quite sure why. "He hates the gays, Nicky. And anyone below him. He hates all of them. And he tries to make me believe everything he believes by making me watch stuff about how 'God hates all fags' or about how 'it's a sin if one is attracted to someone of the same sex, and that all children who are this way should be severely tortured because God doesn't want them to live because they are an abomination,'" Jeff couldn't even imagine what kind of torture he'd be in if he found out he was gay. The torture he got now was enough to be close to killing him at times.

Jeff closed his eyes, trying to make the images get out of his head, when he heard the crack of a belt.

"You little fuck! After all the fucking things I do for-" hiccup "-you... this is how you fucking repay me?"

"Dad! I didn't do anything wrong! I was just talking to-"

"Oh, shut up already!" he slaps the young boy across the face, and he yelps. "You're whiny voice is fucking killing my high." he spits in his face, and kicks his shins, making him fall to the ground. "Let's just get this over with."

Jeff looks away, hot tears brimming on his eyelashes and falling down his face as he tries not to let his sobs be so loud.

"Stop crying you little son of a bitch!" he kicks him in his ribs, "You're not a baby. If you were a-" hiccup "-baby again, I would've thrown you into the street." The man stretches out his leather belt, then hits it against the wall. Somewhere in the other room his mother is watching TV, without really watching it. She is so numb off of her pills that her vision is blurred, and she doesn't care that her only son is being beaten in the other room.

"Then why don't you throw me out into the streets now?" the young boy spits out. He knows why though. Without him around, his father would no longer have his own personal punching bag. Also, his reputation would be at stake. If it weren't for those factors, Jeff would be rotting in the street by now.

"Because I love seeing you in pain, m'boy." Jeff snorts. M'boy. He lost the right of being his son a long time ago. The first time he hit him, actually.

"You are sick," he retorts. His father just stands tall above him and laughs. He is in such a drunken haze right now that he doesn't care that he has been insulted. If Jeff said that and he was sober, he would never hear the end of it from either of his parents.

"You're no better than a... than a... fag! You are a sin to humanity. You don't deserve to live." the older man said roughly. But he wasn't there to insult him, he was there to cause him the worst pain imaginable, even though the pain inside that he was feeling right now was pretty bad.

Suddenly there was a loud crack of the belt, and the blonde felt a sharp pain on his back. Then on the back of his head, that made his head bash against the wall. His father bent down and turned him around, taking a bit of the blood now gushing from head, and putting it on his finger. A devilish smile spread across his face as he licked the drop of blood off of his finger, and before Jeff could even blink, hit his chest with the belt. The lash stung more than any of the others, it felt like he just had the wind knocked out of him.

Soon his father got tired of the belt and resulted to using his feet to finish the deed. The young boy just sat there and took it though. There was nothing much else he could do. Now he lay in the feedle position on the ground, trying to hold himself together as his fathers shoes started grinding into him as he kicked him, using more force with each blow. After a while he got tired of kicking, and bent down to the boy.

"You are no longer my son," he whispered in his ear. Suddenly Jeff felt the urge to scream, but nothing came out as his father wrapped his hand around his neck, and lifted him off the ground. He pushed him against the wall, looking him straight in the eye. The blonde wished he could scream out for help, even though he knew it would never come.

Once again, before the boy could even react, his father pulled a gun out of his pocket, and held it threateningly against his temple. Jeff's eyes widened and he started to sob uncontrollably. He gasped for breath as his vision got even blurrier. He tried to look into his father's eyes, as if to trigger something in him to say "don't do this."

But he knew that certain something wasn't there anymore. He knew that it would be a piece of cake for him to just pull the trigger and end his son's life. Jeff tried to compile his thoughts together, but he couldn't. He was falling apart and there would be no one to pick up the pieces. He was going to die. He knew it. His father wouldn't have the decency left in him to spare his life.

Then, the unbelievable happened. He heard the gun drop to the ground, and soon enough his own body fell almost lifelessly to the ground as well.

Jeff screamed then. He screamed because of the pain, because he wished someone would hear him, because he got this close to dying. But he wasn't dead.

Jeff

"Jeff... JEFF!" Nick's voice seemed to scream, as if he was trying to raise his voice higher than another. That's when he realized that he himself was screaming. "Jeff, are you okay?" he asked, his eyes more worried than he had ever seen them. The blonde shook his head violently, as he clung onto the other boy as if his very life depended on it. Just then, after thinking that he had cried all of his tears, he cried again. His hot tears soaking into the other boy's shirt.

His whole body shook, but he felt numb. He grabbed onto the back of the brunette's shirt, as if he was going to disappear if he didn't hold him down. Soon a strong pair of arms wrapped around him, and his whole body hurt. Jeff kept feeling the other boy's body, to make sure he was real. And he was. He was real, and he was there. And he wasn't dead. And now maybe had something to live for. Now he had someone who was worried about him, and he wasn't dead. He was so grateful in that moment for his father not killing him. Before he was horribly angry and upset for causing him so much pain, but in the end he wasn't dead.

He wasn't dead.

And Nick was real.

And even though he was supposed to feel terrible, he was surprisingly happy.

He was in caring arms.

And my God, he wasn't dead.

And he wouldn't give up this feeling right now for anything.

A/N: Uhm, well I hope I didn't kill any of y'all with this chapter. And hopefully you guys sort of kind of liked it. I'd like to give a special thanks to my bb Jolene, for helping me with some of this chapter. Also, the song I used at the beginning is called Slowly Falling sung by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Feel free to review!