It was with trembling fingers that Hussie clicked the final button and wrote the final line that made those two little words, "HI DANTE," appear on his site. He breathed a sigh of relief and sat back in his chair, listening to the speedy palpitations of his heart in the dark silence of his apartment.

Taking another deep breath to steady himself, Hussie got to tweeting. Legitly, and with all other feelings aside, he was really freaking excited about this. And when Andrew Hussie was excited about something, the world deserved to know.

What were the chances? How lucky was he to have the Dante Basco reading his webcomic? It wasn't as much of a joke as his readers thought when he had sloppy makeouts in the clouds with him.

Well, maybe a little bit, but the rest of it was one hundred percent sincere. And you know what they say about real irony…

Midnight was finally turning into morning and Hussie still couldn't get to sleep. He couldn't. It was an absolute impossibility. Not when he was still awake, not when he was still reading.

Dante, oh Dante, wherefore art thou Dante? Where in the first Act of Homestuck could you be?

Without commenting (that was a job his fans did quite well for him), Hussie followed along with Dante's own liveblogging and tweeting.

Stay cool, Hus, stay cool, was the mantra in his head.

Hussie licked his lips. If only he could-

No. He stopped that thought in its tracks.

First you get the hot man crush into your webcomic, then you seduce the fuck out of him. That was just how the world worked.

Because he was Andrew Hussie. He was the "HUUUSSSSIIIIEEEEE!" thousands of people screamed whenever there was an update. He was the man behind the webcomic. He was the fucking enigma. Hell, Enigma may as well have been his middle name.

Not even people in successful Hollywood social circles could deny that he had mad swag.

Not even one Dante Basco would be able to deny it. Not when he was through with him, at least.

Good. He was calming down. He had a game plan. He could do this.

The smirk on Hussie's face was returning. Plotting always made him smile. Plotting was something Hussie was good at. Plotting was definitely what he was doing right now.

...

As all of this plotting was going down in the mind of Andrew Hussie, Dante Basco remained oblivious in front of his own computer screen. He was happily ensconced in the middle of Act 1, reading pages at a leisurely pace.

Slowly, but surely, a semblance of a plot was peeking demurely out from behind the panels. Dante liked what he was seeing so far.

Still, like with any other piece of reading material, his eyes began to wander. He found himself staring at the banner, all links and adds and-

Wait a minute. What was that? Was that… His name?

The words, "HI DANTE" peered back at him no matter how long he stared at the screen. Finally coming to the conclusion that, no, he wasn't hallucinating, Dante did the only thing any self respecting guy would do when being greeted by a website.

He smiled and waved back. "Hi Andrew!" he said, still not knowing that people normally just called him Hussie.

It didn't matter. He would learn eventually. Hussie would teach him. Hussie would teach him good.

Dante continued reading like a normal citizen of the world, not knowing the things that Hussie had in store for him…

...

About a month later….

Dante stared at the screen. Did… Did the self inserted author of Homestuck really just make out with his corpse? Really? Were his eyes not tricking him? This was a thing that was happening?

And yet, compared to a lot of the other things in Homestuck he had seen so far, this wasn't so bad.

What does it all mean? was the real question.

Hussie didn't really want to… make out with him (have sloppy makeouts), did he?

Dante thought about what he knew about the author. It was… surprisingly little. The man was an enigma. An enigma wrapped in another enigma that was the ectobiological twin of the initial enigma connected across universes by a Mobius Double Reacharound type deal, a computer program that was a bit of an enigma in and of itself.

So there was no way of knowing whether or not it was all some elaborate joke. Dante didn't know what he would do if it wasn't. Maybe… pretend he didn't know?

He didn't read any more Homestuck that night, instead opting to go to bed and mull over this new turn of events.

That night, Dante had had a dream. And no, you ravenous fangirls, it wasn't a wet dream, as much as your wonderful omnipresent narrator wishes it were. Dante merely dreamed about Hussie's lips.

It was in that hazy quality dreams tend to have. The kind where you know what you're looking at, but at the same time can't see anything. Everything was a skin colored haze and not colored at all and every color. The world inside his head was both infinitely large and unfathomably tiny. Shapes were numbers and numbers were shapes. 2 + 2 = fish made complete sense somewhere in the back of his mind.

He still knew that it was Hussie's lips he was looking at.

Dante woke up the next morning calm and with lips on the mind.

He didn't start freaking out until he realized exactly whose lips he was thinking of.

...

Hussie woke up plotting. He did this all the time. Plotting was an essential part of his mental processes.

It was to the point where it was "I can do things while I plot" rather than "I plot while I do things." Hussie was very 0kay with this, especially when such plots included his favorite reader, Dante Basco.

Things were progressing smoothly, if one were to ask for his opinion on the matter. They were tweeting back and forth all the time. The fandom was welcoming him with open arms. A couple fanfics and copious amounts of fanart were floating around the internet.

All according to plan. Those fangirls could sniff out a ship better than anyone, and their support was a big part of Hussie's Grand Scheme .

Chuckling in a truly pernicious chuckle, Hussie went to check his Twitter, where he found something from Dante waiting for him.

"Dude… What was up with that kissing scene? I didn't even see that coming! Now I know where that 'I know something you don't know' feeling was coming from…"

Hussie felt his stomach drop, though he wouldn't admit to it. Here it was. The big moment. This would make or break Dante's readership and it had to be handled with care.

"You liked that? Lol genius on my part, I believe."

"Haha… Yeah, it was funny. Where'd you get the idea from?"

"Oh, I don't know if I should reveal my secrets. Famous or not, you're still a reader. I've got an enigmatic image to keep up."

Dante was sweating in his seat a little bit. More was riding on Hussie's answer than he would ever care to admit.

"Pfft. Fine. Don't tell me…

And that was the end of that. Hussie didn't reply.

Except, he did.

It was later on, when Dante was settling down to read more Homestuck.

Right there, at the top of the page, was another message from Hussie, "THE HEART OF ALL TRUE IRONY IS SINCERITY."

And it was at that moment that Dante Basco was certain Hussie wanted to bone him. The fangirls were on it like flies on shit.

It took approximately one minute for the posts to get going on tumblr.

Five minutes for complex theories to be typed up.

Ten for the fanart and longer works of fanfiction.

Even though he hadn't updated that day, the fandom was an absolute hive of activity. Everyone was in a tizzy and no one regretted anything.

Soon enough, it was apparent that the fandom had reached a point of organization in this battle, which could easily be summed up by the text post of one young lady whose URL got lost in the shuffle of excitement:

"One half of the fandom: OMG HUSSIE AND DANTE ARE A THING. LKSDNFSDNZFD SCREAMING

Second half of the fandom: NO SHUT UP YOU CAN'T ASSUME ANYTHING. HE IS THE HUS AND YOU SHALL TREAT HIM WITH THE RESPECT HE THUSLY DESERVES. STOPPIT BEFORE HE KILLS ALL THE CHARACTERS IN A RAGE."

Hussie sat back and watched and waited. The fans were freaking out just like he had anticipated. If Dante hadn't seen his little edition to the site already, he was going to catch wind of it very soon.

A month was a long time to wait for sloppy makeouts, but wooing Dante in his own special way was something he took just as much pleasure in.

This next part had to be handled delicately.

Actually, this entire thing had to be handled delicately. There were rules for this shit. Hussie had even made a little mental list.

1.) There will be no sloppy makeouts until the man likes your webcomic. The webcomic is an integral part of wooing the man.

2.) Let him come to you. No need to scare him away from you, who is already an enigma.

3.) Break any of these rules whenever the hell you feel like it. But only if the situation calls for it

So far, no situation had called for the breaking of these rules. Hussie was trying to keep it that way.

It wasn't like Dante not replying was making him nervous or anything. He wasn't contemplating breaking the rules. Nope. Nuh uh. What would give you that idea?

…What was taking him so long?

Hussie was going to do it. He was going to break the rules. He was fully prepared to stop being an enigma. And then… He replied. In the form of a tumblr post.

"Haha… Hey Hussie, I think I get what you mean… What are you gonna do about it?"

Hussie spit out the coffee he was drinking. His mind was doing a keyboard mash. Error. Error. Can not compute. Feels. Losing the ability to can. Ability lost.

When he got up to do a victory dance, he stepped on a couple tiny dice. He didn't care.

In Dante's ask box he wrote, "Give me your number and you'll find out."

And thus began a beautiful relationship…

The title is what I've been been telling myself ever since I started writing this

Because really, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I can't believe I wrote this...

Anyways! Don't mind me. I'm just freaking out. Enjoy!

Or not. However that ends up working out for you...

EDIT: Holy crap all these formatting things that happened when I uploaded and sjdfskdfj this is awful please let me fix this and then slink into a corner.