Grah. Finally. I've had this done for a while and of course stalled on posting it until yesterday when I couldn't... go figure. Anyway this is from Luke's perspective, as semi-retrospective, not my favorite but I've written worse. I'm editing the Forgotten Memories update (it's not forgotten) since I started picking at it during the down time so now it's different (Oops) but it's going to be out shortly.

Same disclaimers apply. I own nothing etc.

He was trying. That was the best he could say at the time. He was trying.

Luke Callaghan had always considered himself a good guy. He did the right thing. He took the high road. He did what was expected, perhaps to shed the stigma of years in the foster system but he was the consummate good guy. It would just figure that his one screw up, the one major time he messed up his world came crashing down around him.

When he first saw her, it had begun as a simple flirtation. He'd heard the rumors around the division "a new rookie every year" which wasn't the whole truth but it wasn't wrong. She was cute. They were both available, why the hell not? That she didn't just fall into his bed was admittedly a bit of a draw; 'Hard to get' worked for him apparently. Something else he hadn't know about himself. She was hesitant at first. She made excuses to avoid him and ironically when she finally seemed to make up her mind the Swarek bomb dropped. He should have known that first time, it wasn't over with Swarek.

He didn't hate Swarek. Okay, well he sort of did but they didn't start out that way. Sam was good people and a good cop. He told the truth. He didn't leave others to take the fall for him and he made a mean snack platter for poker nights. As a rookie, he'd met Swarek once at a crime scene but beyond that they'd run in different circles until Luke was transferred as a detective. When he'd made detective his assumption of being led into the inner circle was quashed along with his heart at Jo's departure and he was at loose ends for a while. Jerry was his co-worker more than a friend but seeing Luke's recently dumped hang-dog behavior he would invite him along to division activities. He wasn't bad at poker (he'd learned to play well in one of the group homes), he took part in a few betting calendars and he even helped Zoe Shaw with a barbeque once, but he just didn't quite fit. It was okay though, he was used to not fitting. He wasn't rejected exactly but it was enough for him to start making friends with the younger cops, the rookies and from friends came something slightly different. It was more and less at the same time.

The first one was unintentional at best. Her name was Rachel. Young, pretty, not incredibly bright but their fun- time was limited to a few drunken post-Black Penny encounters. She was his post-Jo rebound but somehow she hadn't seen it that way. He regretted how he'd treated her; the brush-offs and rebuffs of affection broke her heart and he knew that. He was ashamed to admit he'd relished in it at the time. Being the dumper instead of the dumpee was oddly empowering. The rest of the division had watched him with narrowed eyes until the young rookie requested a transfer out to the 32nd, purgatory out in the suburbs. No one wanted to go there, but she did it to get over him. So he broke someone like Jo broke him, (at least sort of. There was no promises and no engagement but he broke her all the same) and the feeling of empowerment was gone too quickly. Instead of making him feel better afterwards, he felt worse. Numbers two and three hadn't fared much better. He still had to consult with Angela (#3) on occasion and the ball of disgust with himself and how he'd treated her still would re-surface in his stomach. She'd since gotten married and had a couple of kids out in the suburbs but their breakup had been ugly. She was actually the catalyst for his change. He'd heard the whispers and skeptical looks and begun to realize they were right. He was a jerk; "DT" as they called him, 'Detective Tick' and some skipped 'tick' and jumped right to its rhyming alliterative counterpart. That had hurt, so for a while he'd given it a rest. He did the more typical post-breakup activities. Learning a new language didn't go as well as the cooking class but he started to feel less like a scumbag and more like the man he wanted to be; Honorable, brave and good like his favorite superhero as a child. Number four was Amber. Young and pretty like the others, but a rookie from the 27th. It lasted a year and she was the one who ended it amicably when they couldn't come to grips with each others' schedules. He was less than a month off Amber when he ran into Andy, nearly literally.

He really hadn't intended for it to be anything. She was cute, sure but he'd learned his lesson. You don't date where you work. Somehow though, despite that, he found her to be an exception. Maybe it was her naivety hiding behind a face that had seen more than it should have at a young age. She was the bravest person he'd ever met, that was for sure even if most of it was bravado. She got Swarek and barely broke a sweat on her first day. Even Sam had commented on her bravery that evening and he was too furious to do much but glare at her most of the time. He wasn't sure exactly when that changed; when that fury became something more. Something they both denied vehemently… So much for his cop instincts.

So things went from there are she agreed to go out with him. What had started as a bit of fun quickly shifted in his mind. She was leaving him. He was moving to fast. He'd entered some alternate dimension where everything was topsy-turvy. The rapid cooling of her feelings was something he felt more than saw. After that kid died and after the blackout she was just 'off' to him. He had assumed Swarek's suddenly large presence was of a concerned fatherly nature. What an idiot he was. Finding Swarek 'on ice' (which was still the dumbest use of a freezer he's ever heard of) should have been the end of it and it was for a while but Swarek told him it was nothing. He couldn't say why he trusted Sam's word over Andy's. Maybe it was Sam's willingness to take the blame or maybe he just wanted Andy more than he cared about what may have happened the night of the blackout. He was over it, or so he told himself.

He wasn't naïve, not by a long shot. He saw how Sam looked at her after he found that frozen paper. He saw the looks of disapproval and disbelief when Luke chose to work late some evenings. He saw the skeptical looks from coworkers when Sam saved Andy yet again, and then again when Andy saved Sam. He shrugged it off really. Andy was with him, what more did he need to know? Life moved on.

After Andy was shot, moving on seemed to jump into warp speed. All he had wanted as a newbie detective was at his feet though different faces made up the primary cast. He had a beautiful house, a beautiful girlfriend and a job he loved. Life was pretty near perfect. Then Jo arrived and that was… well not so perfect but he could deal. He had Andy. He loved Andy. He promised himself to Andy. He may not have technically proposed but that was how relationships moved forward. The ring fit her at least. It had fit Jo too before she'd left it on his nightstand. Jo. She was a complicated subject, an emotional landmine. One wrong move and his heart would be blown to bits all over again. Again? It was that feeling of his stomach dropping out during that free-fall the one time he went skydiving (Ironically a gift from Jo) but was it his heart? It was like all the work he'd done for getting over her completely fell away. Bitterness festered at the back of his throat, ready to spew forth whenever she got too close. The bitterness he could handle. The bitterness he could understand. What simmered beneath however, the implied passion, was much harder to swallow.

It was subtle at first; a shared look here, a companionable silence there, it was easy, so very easy and that in itself was scary. Thinking back he could picture it like it was a film. He watched the change while shouting at the screen to go back. Don't go to the basement you idiot! When he was shot it was a time-warp and a dreamland all at once. He was ashamed to admit he did blame Andy in some sense. She was the one who handed out her cards like candy. It was her suspect who shot him. It was her stupidly happy efforts which had him reverting to his sometimes sarcastic and always intense ex-partner. Jo didn't expect anything of him. She helped him destroy the well-meaning but suffocating gifts. She laughed at him rather than sent him concerned looks and didn't wince when he coughed or he himself winced in pain. It was normal, not that they had ever had anything remotely normal, but it was the closest thing he had at that point and he relished it. Maybe it was that connection that had him tossing off his responsibilities. Was their history alone being enough to toss off an engagement to objectively, his perfect match? Was it enough to sacrifice his hard-earned self-respect? At the time, it didn't occur to him to think it through.

Andy found out of course. She wasn't stupid and he seriously regretted her feeling that way for even a moment. Buying her love was an even worse decision as was attempting to tie her to him before she realized the truth. He didn't think she'd forgive him for that lie. He wouldn't blame her for it either. He saved her from a serial killer, and sent Jo away (something else to settle with his conscience) that should count for something but he wasn't stupid enough to believe they were remotely even. Maybe that was his problem; he saw everything in terms of scores and evidence. He broke things down into their smallest parts and missed the larger picture categorically unlike Sam Swarek.

That guy… In many respects Sam had been the boogie man in their relationship, to Luke at least. The guy was notorious closed-mouthed about his personal life and played things close to the chest except apparently his devotion to Luke's former fiancée. He had to give the guy credit, Swarek took his duties as guardian seriously. It was something to respect and hate him for. Unsurprisingly it was Jo who brought it up to him right after he so cruelly ended their affair.

"You'll never get her back you know. Swarek is already picking up the pieces and he's turns into a junkyard dog over her. She's gone and you'll be watching her happily ever after."

Luke had just snorted in disgust before leaving their shortly shared office. It would figure that she was right.

So he may have wallowed a tiny bit, or okay, more than a tiny bit. He sulked, he moaned, drank and cursed he knew there were rapid games of 'Rock Paper Scissors' among the detectives and rookies as to who had to deal with him on any given occasion. He didn't miss that he was being shunned by Sam, (and he was pretty sure Oliver too but the guy was so damn nice all the time even when he was mocking you it was hard to tell) and Andy avoided him like the plague. He did notice when Sam left for undercover work. The baleful glares had mostly stopped in his absence and Andy had been decidedly less cheery. Perversely Luke wished some of that sadness was for himself but he couldn't be sure. When Swarek went missing, all his doubts went away.

Up until Swarek went missing he'd actually been having a good day. He hadn't really known Gail Peck before that day except in passing. She was more than a touch abrasive but it seemed she had a soft side he found compelling and familiar. She was a younger Jo, more defensive of her position because of family connections, but more than that they'd both just had their hearts trashed. Misery loves company indeed. If anything he'd at least found a temporary friend in a work environment which had clearly fallen on the side of the young McNally. The news that would come later that day, and be spun through the whole of TPS in gossip and rumor, was more than enough to sour his day.

Admittedly his first reaction to the news that his fiancée was sleeping with a man he detested was a little less than kind. Fine, ex-fiancée. And alright maybe detested was too harsh. Sam was a good guy or at least people said he was. Luke did know he was a good cop at least and Andy was certainly a good cop. No matter how furious she was at their situation, she'd stood by him when it had mattered most and he would do the same for her. He found out Boyd had covered up a murder and tried to pin the fallout on the head of a rookie cop. He'd testify to this in front of IA, in the hearing to determine Boyd's role and he'd say it again to Andy in a vague and drunken effort to win her love. It didn't work, the attempt to win her back that is. Boyd was writing parking tickets out in Richmond Hills so at least something went according to plan. Sam got home alive, Sam and Andy were suspended and he slept with Gail. So then there was that…

The Gail thing was initially just supposed to be pity sex or angry sex or really just sex. No strings. No commitments. No professing love in the dawn hours with eyes meeting and cheesy romance novel happy endings. One time turned to two, which turned to three, which turned to two weeks and then Luke ended it, sort of. It was more accidental than anything else. He'd just made a comment about rebounds not lasting that long. (Gail had made a comment about the latest Swarek/McNally rumor spinning through the station and he'd meant it to be flippant but she had not taken it as such.) So then she was out the door and he was alone with a bottle of vodka and one of the hairties he found in the couch cradled in his hands. It was that night he'd shown up at Andy's new condo yelling at what he thought was her window about how she'd stood by him. It wasn't her window as it happened and the reaction was less than welcoming. With a neighbor threatening to call the police, he promptly passed out on the doorstep. He didn't remember much after that other than Tracy and Oliver heaving him into a squad car and Andy looking on in vague concern. He was pretty sure he shouted that thing about standing by him but Oliver's told him to talk softly and it was all a blur from there.

While he had hoped his little indiscretion would remain a secret, it certainly didn't appear to be that way when his doorbell rang promptly at 9am. Luke staggered out of bed, his hangover not appreciating the bright morning sunlight nor the cold floors on his bare feet. He didn't bother trying to peer out the window before throwing open the door with a scowl.

"Well don't you just look like crap," Gail sniped at him before shoving her way around him and making her way into his house.

Luke could only gawp at her.

"Don't act so surprised. I haven't put this much work in to fixing you to let you relapse, though the way you smell I probably should just let you die in peace."

Luke couldn't work up an argument and even with the hangover he was grateful for the company. A week later she was still there.

Andy and Sam started back on the same Monday day shift. They were welcomed back with open arms and malicious gossip, primarily about Andy. Luke, for his part did not participate. The old rookies quashed it as well as they could. Gail remained her typical contrary self and was at best neutral. The new rookies seemed to relish in the rebellion it represented or scorn Andy as a badge bunny. Most of the new rookies also didn't seem to realize that Swarek was "that undercover officer". Luke almost felt bad for them judging by the glee in which Oliver was assigning them to Sam. It certainly was one way to learn.

Frank had chosen wisely to bring them back right into the thick of it. Rip-off the band aid and let them get it over with. Despite the professional ramifications, it didn't seem to affect them much personally from Luke's outside opinion. They were both still decidedly absentee from the Black Penny which led to some good natured ribbing in what was supposed to be outside his hearing range, and judging by how the rarely left the station without touching one another in some capacity the ribbing was deserved. Gail speculated cattily one day that she wouldn't give them a month. He didn't like to think too much about it really. It seemed wrong to wish bad things upon someone he'd hurt so much himself, and who he was still hurting over. It just hurt too much period.

Proving Gail wrong didn't seem too difficult for the rogue couple of the 15th division. Three months and change later they showed no signs of wear on each other. Actually if Luke thought about it he would have to admit he'd never seen a calmed Sam Swarek in his life. Oliver commented on it nearly daily, and began giving McNally snacks his wife had baked for "strength to keep doing what you're doing". It was nauseating. He was kind of surprised then when one Saturday when Gail was working that his doorbell rang. Expecting some kind of religious sales pitch he flung open the door carelessly and nearly choked on his coffee when he realized who was standing there.

"Uh. Andy… Uh Hi!" he said with a degree of false brightness to cover his shock.

"Hi." Looking equally uncomfortable Andy shifted from foot to foot. "I was uhh, just wondering if we could talk."

Luke had to pause for a moment. "Umm. Sure. Please, come in…" he said moving back as if to invite her into the house.

"I meant can we go for coffee somewhere," Andy said stepping back from the doorway.

He can't really blame her. The house must be cursed. "Uh. Sure, let me just get my wallet and my shoes." He told her turning back into the entryway.

They picked a new coffee bar in the neighborhood. Neither was really up for a skate down memory lane. Their polite small talk was stilted at best and it was Andy who broke first.

"There's no way for this not to be awkward, is there?" she asked rather self-deprecatingly.

Luke smiled back, "I don't think so, no".

"Alright, so in the most non-awkward way possible, thank you for testifying. You didn't have to, and you likely had a bunch of other things to do, so thank you," she told him gratefully.

Luke just kind of nodded. "I did what I thought was right."

Weirdly enough that seemed to open their lines of communication once again. They talked about work and their friends both tacitly avoiding the elephant in the room before Luke's curiosity got the better of him.

"So how's Swarek?" he asked in an off-handed way that was really anything but off-handed.

Andy nodded like she had expected the inquiry. "He's good. His wrist is much better finally. All in all he's doing really well. Actually, he asked me to move in with him," Andy said slowly, as though waiting for Luke's reaction.

"Wow," he said slowly. "I'm… I'm happy for you" he said quietly as though he wasn't quite sure of the sentiment himself.

Andy nodded back. "I wanted you to hear it from me before the division gossips got a hold of it."

Luke tapped his fingers along the table a few times before looking back at her curiously. "I kind of thought this would hurt more."

Andy laughed a little before nodding. "Me too. I guess it means something that it doesn't."

Luke took a long sip of his coffee before agreeing reluctantly. "I really did love you Andy."

"I know," she said back. "I loved you too."

"But not like you love Swarek," Luke replied somewhat childishly.

Refusing to rise to his bait Andy nodded, "No, not like how I love Sam."

Luke was surprised at how unsurprised he was by the answer. The twinge barely registered.

"And you didn't love me how you could potentially love Gail," Andy told him taking a sip of her own coffee.

Luke looked at her in shock. He and Gail weren't a secret exactly but their relationship wasn't common knowledge.

Andy just raised her eyebrows at him in a 'Seriously?' gesture. "I'm not blind Luke, and usually you aren't either. She still thinks you're holding a torch for me. You need to fix that. She's good for you. Don't screw it up," Andy told him seriously.

Luke couldn't help but snort. "Your boyfriend told me that too and look how well that turned out."

"You know Luke," Andy said thoughtfully, "I think it did turn out for the best."

Luke really couldn't disagree.

So he'd keep trying; Keep trying with Gail (Slow and steady should win that race eventually), Keep trying to not hate Sam (That guy was just such an ass sometimes), and keep trying to be the kind of person he could be proud of, the kind of person he'd want his kids to look up to. He was still Luke Callaghan, imperfect as ever, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.