Author's Note: I'm sorry if I offended anybody, this is just a bit of lighthearted fun.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It all belongs to the wonderful Tamora Pierce.

The Squashed Song of the Lioness

Alanna: the First Adventure

Alanna: I don't want to be a lady.

Ralon: I'm going to hurt you.

Roger: Don't go to the Black City, Jonathan.

Jon: Let's go, Alan!

Ysandir: Ouch.

In the Hand of the Goddess

Great Mother Goddess: Here's a cat and a amulet.

Alanna: Thanks.

Faithful: I'm cool.

Roger: I'm evil.

Jon: I think I'm the best.

Thom: I KNOW I'm the best.

Roger: Die!

Alanna: (Kills Roger)

The Woman Who Rides Like a Man

Alanna: I'm going to the desert.

Halef Seif: We're going to adopt you.

Akhan Ibn Nazzir: You are a demon! And evil!

(Akhan Ibn Nazzir and Alanna fight. Alanna wins.)

Halef Seif: You are the shaman now.

Ishak: I must have the crystal sword.

Alanna: Jon, you're a jerk. Go away.

(Alanna goes to George's house in Port Caynn, and then goes to the desert.)

Sorceress of Alois: Give this to Halef Seif.

Lioness Rampant

Alanna: I'm bored, so I'll go get the Dominion Jewel.

Liam: I'm a wimp.

Buri: I'm going to Tortall with Thayet.

(Buri, Thayet, Liam, and Alanna go to the Roof of the World.)

Alanna: Chitral, I will defeat you!

Roger: I'm back, and I'm out to kill Jon and Alanna!

Thom: (dies, tragically)

Alanna: (kills Roger)

George: Marry me, Alanna. Please.

Alanna: Sure.