Who Needs A Present

"For the last time Dave, I am NOT a homosexual!" John Egbert shouted across the room at his best friend who was too busy laughing to take his comment seriously.

"So what you're saying is that if the almighty Nick Cage himself walked in here and propositioned you, you would turn him down?" Dave asked with a smirk on his face. John stared speechless as he tried to decide how he really would react if is idol were to show such an interest in him. His sudden silence was all Dave needed to begin a whole new string of taunts.

"John and Nic Cage sittin in a tree…"

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Jade finished as she looked up from the intense game of slap jack she was playing with Rose and Kanaya.

"Jade you aren't helping at all!" John said indignantly, sliding further into the sofa to hide the growing blush on his face.

In the kitchen, Karkat listened to the banter between his new human friends as he pulled another sopor slime pie out of the large thermal hull for Gamzee. He wasn't really sure what the argument was about, all he knew was that it was upsetting John and he didn't like that at all.

"ThAnKS A loT BeSt MOtheRfuCKInG FrIeND YoU Can NEVer HavE ENouGH Of ThIS stuFF Do THEy hAve aNY FUckinG FAYgo In ThErE DO they"

"GAMZEE YOU HAVE A BOTTLE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. WHY DON'T YOU USE YOUR GANDERBULBS FOR ONCE? I MEAN GOG!" Karkat snapped, running a hand through his hair in frustration. Just then Terezi walked in with a familiar grin.

"H3H3H3H3, K4RK4T DON'T Y3LL 4T G4MZ33 JUST B3C4US3 YOU C4N'T H4NDL3 Y0UR R3D R0M F33LINGS F0R 4 C3RT41N W1NDY 1ND1V1DU4L."

"WHATEVER TEREZI, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR WORD HOLE." He stalked into the hallway and ran into the very 'windy individual' that Terezi had been talking about.

"oh hey Karkat! I don't know if you were listening but tomorrow is my birthday and I was wondering if you would come to the party?"

Karkat was so flustered from bumping into his "crush" or that he didn't take as much care with his words as he should have.

"WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO GO TO SOME STUPID EARTH PARTY? ESPECIALLY ONE FOR A FUCKASS LIKE YOU?" Too late he realized that his impulsiveness had gotten the best of him again. He watched helplessly as John's face fell.

"oh, okay um you don't have to go I just thought it would be nice if you came." He turned and sulked back to sit on the couch beside Strider. Karkat could just make out Dave asking John what had gone wrong. He turned to lean against the wall as guilt hit him full force. How could he say something so stupid? And to John of all people. The look on his face stabbed Karkat harder than Jack Noir had ever done. He only ever wanted to see John smile. That goofy grin made Karkat's blood pumper speed up until he thought it would burst out of his chest.

Suddenly Sollux came up to him. His best friend always seemed to show up right after he had done something particularly stupid.

"2o what diid you do thii2 tiime KK? John looked pretty up2et. II was under the iimpre22iion that you had some pretty pale feeling2 for hiim."

"SO I SCREWED THINGS UP A LITTLE. TEREZI GOT INTO MY THINK PAN AND I MAYBE SAID SOME SHITTY THINGS TO HIM. I WOULDN'T MIND IF KANAYA CUT ME IN HALF WITH HER CHAINSAW RIGHT NOW. AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALTERNIA DO I DO FOR THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS?"

"2eem2 liike you need two do 2ome extreme 2uckiing up two hiim. The party ii2 tomorrow niight 2o you 2hould briing a pre2ent. At lea2t that'2 what Kanaya 2aiid when we were all iinviited." Great, Karkat thought to himself. He was supposed to bring a gift but what could he possibly get? And on such short notice at that. The only solution was to do some asking around. He was sure one of the other human kids would know. After all, birthday parties were one of their weird ass habits.

Karkat peeked his head back around the corner into the large living room where his friends were gathered. Everyone was listening with rapt attention to Dave and Tavros having what had to be their fifth rap battle of the day. Everyone except for John who was still sulking in the corner.

"PSST! ROSE. HEY ROSE!" He attempted to catch her attention from across the room. Instead he succeeded in causing all 15 heads in the room to turn and stare at him, Dave stopping midsentence to do so.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BUSINESS ASSHATS I WAS ONLY TALKING TO LALONDE OVER THERE!" Rose, who had been laying with her head in Kanaya's lap took his hint and got up to follow him into the kitchen.

"What do you need Karkat? This wouldn't happen to be about John would it? Whatever you said has caused him to become quite downhearted."

"NEVERMIND WHAT I SAID TO HIM. ALL I NEED IS YOUR HELP CHOOSING A PRESENT OR WHATEVER. I NEED TO GET HIM SOMETHING HE'LL LIKE, AND SINCE YOU'RE THE SEER OF LIGHT OR WHATEVER THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW WHAT I GET HIM! SO JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS SO I CAN MOVE ON." Karkat was sure his logic was perfect, until Rose smirked at him and shook her head.

"Of course I can see the outcome of the situation but honestly where would the enjoyment in that come from? Karkat if you want John to be happy again, you need to get him a present to show him you care." With that, she turned away and went back to Kanaya.

Karkat was at a loss. Something to show John he cared? But what? He had to think about what John liked. He knew about Nicolas Cage, and pranks, and some old guy named Sassacre, but he was pretty sure John already had everything that could possibly be related to those.

"How's it going nu88y horns? I hear you're having a bit of trou8le in paradise? "

"VRISKA IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING REMOTELY USEFUL THEN PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I SHOVE ONE OF GAMZEE'S CLUBS DOWN YOUR EVER ANNOYING WORD HOLE UNTIL YOU CHOKE ON IT."

"Gosh Karkat, If you're going to 8e so rude then I won't give you any help with your present pro8lem." Karkat was tempted to let her walk away, if only so he didn't have to listen to her snide comments, but he needed help from wherever he could get it.

"FINE THEN HARLOT, GIVE ME YOUR ADVICE OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CAME HERE FOR."

"Okay then Karkat, since you asked ever so nicely. I'll tell you what I got for John. It was hard to come 8y 8ut he's worth it." Hearing Vriska talk about John with such affection wasn't helping Karkat's mood. He knew she liked Egbert, she had confessed to him the day they met, and it was a definite possibility that John liked her back. If Vriska could come out and say that she liked John then why couldn't Karkat do the same? He knew why of course. It was because every time he saw John's face or heard his laugh or watched him pull one of his stupid pranks, his reaction was always the same. He couldn't look John in his gander bulbs, couldn't even speak he was so nervous.

"And so, 8ecause I care a8out w88888888y more than you do, my present will 8e a thousand times 8etter than whatever you could get." Karkat had been so consumed in his thoughts that he completely missed what Vriska had gotten John. It didn't matter though, he knew what he was going to give John for his birthday, he just hoped his friend liked it.

Karkat woke up when he felt the afternoon sun streaming through the windows of his room. He groggily climbed out of his recuperacoon and dragged himself to the ablution trap to get rid of the nights slime. He still wasn't used to the human habit of being diurnal. At least the sun wasn't as harsh as Alternia's, so he didn't have to worry about being blinded.

It was the big day, time for the party, and he could hear John in the kitchen pestering the others with his seemingly endless supply of energy. Shouts of 'It's my birthday!' and 'Is that the cake you made Dave? Is that for me?' echoed through the thin walls of the house they all shared. In just a few moments it would be time for Karkat to head downstairs and join the group. It was times like these when he wished that he wasn't so horrible at waking up early. He definitely could have used the extra hours to prepare himself. Just then Gamzee opened the door.

"HeY BesT FriEND ItS TIME foR PreSEntS AnD aLl Are YOu COmIng To JoIN thE PArTY or WHaT"

"YEA I'M COMING, CALM YOUR LACTATING MUSCLES GOG." He followed the perpetually stoned troll down into the living room where John was seated on a bar stool surrounded by trolls and human kids alike. He had just finished opening Vriska's present which seemed to be a Con Air poster signed by none other than Nic Cage himself.

"oh wow thanks Vriska! this is perfect!" Vriska stood up to get a hug from the birthday boy who was scaling his echeladder from pure happiness. Of course she had to give Karkat a smug look as she embraced John, she wouldn't have been Vriska if she didn't.

Karkat had missed all the other presents and the only evidence that they had existed was the littering of shiny wrapping paper on the floor. John had clearly not bothered to captchalogue any of it after tearing it to unusable shreds. Walking fully into the room he met John's eyes for the first time that day. Predictably, his blood pumper started beating out a pattern not too different from a samba, and he could feel his word hole drying up with anxiety.

John refused to look away from Karkat and so they were locked into a staring contest that was as awkward for them as it was for all their friends who had to witness it.

"hey Karkat, glad you decided to come down." John said with a gentle smile as though he had doubted whether the troll would come at all.

"I see you didn't even get him a present! How typical of you Karkat. Some friend you are." Vriska commented from somewhere off to his right.

"I DID GET HIM A PRESENT ASSHAT, SO SHUT UP." Karkat retorted without turning to look at her.

"Then what is it? We're dying to know here." Karkat saw John's face light up when he said he had gotten him a present, there was no backing down now. Karkat wanted John to smile like that every day, so he had no choice. He had to do it.

He took a deep breath, marched over to John and kissed him. He wound his fingers through John's hair and tried to convey without words all of his feelings. His feelings that he and John were meant to be together and hold hands and sing stupid songs to each other like the couples in those romantic comedies he had seen. He put all of his nervousness and desperation into the kiss, terrified that John would push him away. But when he felt John's hands come up to pull him closer he stopped. He pulled back to look at this boy who had stolen his heart. John's eyes were filled with happiness and his face was plastered with the familiar grin Karkat loved so much.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN." Karkat whispered.

"best birthday EVER." John replied.