You're all probably pissed at me for going so long without an update, but it actually was not my fault this time – my old computer ate shit several months ago and I didn't have the money to get it replaced until recently. And yes, that did mean that anything I was working on (which wasn't that much; I'm a busy man) was lost, but whatever.

Unfortunately, what happens next is my fault.

I'll give it to you straight: the 'Dex is ending, as is my time on this site, sooner rather than later. I simply don't have the time to work on anything related to fanfic at the moment, and probably won't for a very long time. It's been a very fun couple of years, but I can't do it anymore, not because I don't want to, but because it's no longer possible for me to do so. It sucks, and it's not an easy choice for me to make, but that's the position I find myself in.

You've all been so supportive and good to me over the years, so rest assured that this isn't because of anything you did. This is entirely because of me and the things going on in my life, and nothing else.

I'd like to thank every single one of you out there who have read, or followed, or favorited, or reviewed, or done any combination of the above, for this high-effort shitpost. I'd like to extend an additional thank-you to everybody who has been there since the beginning, or who has reviewed more than once, and an additional big thank-you to everybody who communicated with me through PMs. I couldn't have asked for a better fanbase. You all are what made writing this thing and coming back to it year after year worth it.

It's been a fun couple of years, but everything has to come to an end eventually. I want to get a couple of chapters out before I finally leave for good, but we'll see. I'll be trying to write whenever I can, so hopefully I can get those out soon. When I do finally decide to retire for good, this story will be marked as complete and no longer updated.

Thank you all for the fun throughout the years. I couldn't have done it without you.

Love, C7Sus4.

Derpédex Chapter 148: Honchkrow

Can we talk for just a second about how it seems like Arceus just spontaneously stopped caring like a decade ago? I mean, it's not like he cared all that much to begin with, since we got such riveting designs as a Poké Ball, an upside-down Poké Ball, a magnet, three magnets stuck together, and three different piles of goo, but at least we still had some good ones, like Mewtwo… actually, wait - humans made Mewtwo, and presumably gave him his much-documented love of coffee. Huh. Guess the big llama in the sky just never really cared all that much to begin with. But still, he reached a new level of not giving a shit starting ten or so years ago, and I think we can pinpoint patient zero of that as this fucker right here. What an amazing design – literally just a big bird with a fedora on it. Wow, how compelling. Definitely makes it a lot easier to see why we ended up with living house keys, living garbage, living ice cream, living (or unliving, given that they're Ghost Types) sand castles, and living whatever the fuck Stunfisk is (don't care enough to Google it).

Welcome back to another exciting chapter of C7 Gets Smashed and Roasts Pokémon God's Half-Assed Designs, this time with a special guest in the form of Honchkrow's stupid fucking fedora. I've seen enough of that goddamn hat to last a lifetime. Seriously, every fucking sperglord in high school wore one, probably because they were all r/Atheism posters (press S to spit on r/Atheism's grave, by the way; they deserve it for being a progenitor of a good portion of the social justice cancer infecting the web right now). And yes, I get the idea of the design – it's supposed to be reminiscent of a 1940s-era mafia boss. That doesn't change the fact that it's a fucking fedora. And it's an edgy Dark Type. Come on, people – the memes make themselves. Can you really fucking blame me on this one?

Fedora aside, I'm still not particularly impressed by the design. It's a big-ass bird; it'd be cool if we didn't have so many of them already. Maybe if the ones we had were a bit shittier, then Honchkrow would stand out some more, but unfortunately Skarmory exists, and it's tough for any other bird to beat, literally, "a bird, but it's made out of knives". Hell, Skarmory is so cool that we're getting what's basically Skarmory 2.0 in the form of Corviknight. I guess this means that we'll have to wait a bit longer before we get a Honchkrow expy, which is sad for all the dedicated Honchkrow fans out there. Press 1 if you feel bad for all three of them.

Fun fact: Honchkrow is the Big Boss Pokémon. I was going to make a joke here, probably one about trying to determine which Pokémon would best fit as the Revolver Ocelot Pokémon, but Honchkrow doesn't deserve a reference like that, so I won't. If the seagulls in Metal Gear Solid 2 were Honchkrow, I would gladly spend all my ammo shooting them, even if Rose got pissy and refused to save my game afterwards. It would still be worth it for the sheer catharsis factor.

You know, I kind of feel like I'm past rock bottom. I mean, I'm sitting here, roasting a bird wearing a fedora. I thought that things would get better in my life after I did Stunfisk, and that was a hundred and forty entries ago, and I'm still the same drunken, not-an-astronaut-like-six-year-old-me-wanted-to-be mess that I was back then. Normally, I would be on-track for a midlife crisis, which is funny because I'm not even 30 yet… but then again, turning my life around would take actual work, and I write this for a living specifically so I can avoid doing as much work as possible. Let's see… do I work and maybe improve my life in order to stop being a depressed piece of shit, or do I maintain my status as the NEET Pokémon Professor who only does the bare minimum needed to afford booze and pay the bills? Fuck me, talk about Scylla and Charybdis…

Oh, you're still here. I guess that means you want some battle analysis, or whatever. Honestly, what's the fucking point? Nobody out there even uses this thing, or cares about it in any capacity. I bet you didn't even remember this thing existed until you opened up this entry, read the name, and were all like, "Oh yeah, Honchkrow exists. I forgot." There's not a damn thing I could possibly say that will make any of you interested enough to actually go out, get one of these things, and try to use it. And that's because it's uninspired from the ground up, it was so poorly thought-out that the only way it could exist was as an offshoot of Murkrow, a Pokémon that was much more popular than it, and perhaps most importantly of all, you have enough shame to not want to be caught within five feet of something with a fedora glued to its head… unless you're a Lucario fan, in which case you are that thing with a fedora glued to its head. But that's beside the point. Anyway, no, I don't want to talk about battle data.

Unfortunately, I have a word quota to meet, so my hands are tied.

To begin with, it's a bird. What does this have to do with battling? Only everything, that's what. You'd think that being able to fly would be a good thing, but unfortunately all it does is make you a target for Thunderbolt, Ice Beam, and Stone Edge. Congrats, those are three of the most common moves out there, meaning that putting this thing on your team instantly makes it that much easier for someone to completely ream your ass with a fucking Pikachu, and let me tell you, if your ass wasn't getting bullied beforehand, you most certainly will be after that. Besides that, Honchkrow offers no good reasons to use it in general. Its Attack and Special Attack are decent, meaning that you'll be pairing it with a Life Orb for extra unga, but that quickly becomes a problem when you realize that its primary attack move is Brave Bird, meaning you get to have fun watching your Honchkrow steadily do more and more damage to itself with each attack until a small gust of wind knocks it clean out of the air, killing it instantly. And while I'm usually all for useless things removing themselves from the gene pool, the middle of a battle is neither the time nor place for it. This, paired with defenses that are so bad they put the Maginot Line to shame, means that your bird will be lucky to live through the battle for more than a few seconds. I'd call it a glass cannon, but glass cannons are actually capable of doing something respectable before blowing themselves up. Honchkrow is just pure mediocrity from the get-go, and it all goes downhill from the instant it joins the battle. No, it's not a glass cannon – it's more like one of those fake Civil War cannons that isn't supposed to actually shoot something, and if you somehow manage to fit a powder charge and cannon ball down into the bore, it will just blow itself up rather than actually do anything good with it. Don't use this bird unless it's for Thanksgiving dinner.

I was going to type something up about how this thing has a horrible personality because it's an edgy Dark Type, and how it has the ability to summon hundreds of Murkrow to attack you and/or freeload off you, but at this point I don't think anyone actually gives a shit, and unlike the battle analysis, I've hit my word quota, which is good because the thought of filling up any more of my computer's memory with information about this piece of shit makes me want to punch something.

So, that about sums it up. Honchkrow is a terrible Pokémon with a poor visual design that doesn't do anything impressive. It's a poor excuse for a Pokémon in every respect, and appeals only to those with a terrible fashion sense and a neckbeard, and who think "M'lady" is a good pickup line. The fact that Arceus wasted a mafia theme on this piece of shit instead of something that's actually cool is infuriating to me. The fact that some assclown wasted a Metal Gear Solid reference on it is grounds for assault, should I ever find out who it was.

That's about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go confront the perennial, existential nightmare that is the fact that I will never be invited to join NASA and walk on the moon.

"Alright, there's the warehouse."

C7 scowled. "I have eyes, you know."

"Don't you wear glasses?"

"Yeah."

"And didn't you leave them at home?"

"...The sun hurts my eyes when I wear them."

"It's night."

"Fuck you."

As the two of them once again settled into a whisper-argument, Athena just sighed, turning to Gardevoir. "Alright, since the idiots are busy jerking each other off, what's the plan?"

Gardevoir looked over towards the front of the warehouse, squinting as she did so. "Well, I can see two guards standing in front of it. So, we should probably sneak around-"

"Fuck that," C7 said, stepping between them. At their bewildered expressions, he simply shrugged. "Got bored of arguing with Princess Diana. So, figured I'd step in and start planning and shit."

"Your plans are universally terrible," Athena said.

"What? C'mon, I'm gonna plan the shit out of this op."

"Do it, then. What's your retarded plan?"

C7 looked over towards the warehouse, frowning. "Okay, so those two guys are wearing fezzes, which means they have to be Turks."

"This is already the stupidest thing I've heard all week."

"Just follow me on this, okay? So, they're clearly Turkish, which means that they're probably allied with a bunch of Austro-Hungarians and Germans and are trying to resurrect Hitler or something."

"Okay, first off: that's the wrong war. Second off: even you should know better than to believe Missy's stupid theories about anything."

"The fuck are you talking about? I came up with this theory just now. Missy didn't come up with shit."

"You talking about me?!" the Breloom said, bounding over excitedly.

C7 reached up to rub her on the head. "We most certainly are, you adorable little cinnamon roll. Now do me a favor and stay here while I put my awesome plan into motion. No kicking asses unless I say so."

"Aww..."

"Wait, what plan?" Athena asked.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm going to go up to the guards and fool them into letting me in by speaking German. Then I'm gonna murderify the shit out of everything in there… uh, in Minecraft, 'cuz I don't have a gun. Yeah."

All the 'mons exchanged a glance. "Okay, I take it back: this is the stupidest thing I've heard all week," Athena said, dumbfounded.

"Yeah, stupid like a fox."

"The fuck does that even mean?"

"It means he's a furry," Vintovka said.

Immediately, C7 rounded on him. "Say that again and I'm nailing your balls to the ceiling."

"You're a furry."

"Missy, go find me a nailgun."

"On it!" the Breloom shouted before taking off running.

"So, about the plan," Lurantis said, "While I don't doubt your capabilities, do you even speak German?"

"Girl, I speak hella German."

"He took two years of German in high school many years ago," the Umbreon explained.

"Yeah, that means I speak German."

"Okay, prove it," Athena challenged. "Speak German to me. And if you even think about making a Hitler joke here, I'm gonna amputate one of your toes."

"...Well, I can't speak it now since we're trying to be stealthy, but I have it on good authority that all you need to be fluent in German is a passing knowledge of basic German vocabulary as well as an astounding ability to project your voice and sound angry all the time."

"And which authority is this?"

"All those videos I watch of people messing with Drachenlord."

Athena facepalmed. "Alright, you know what? Just do it. I'll be on standby to pull your ass out of the fire when this inevitably goes tits-up."

"Cool, I knew I could count on you. See you guys inside the warehouse."

With that, C7 began to walk away, only to pause when he passed by David. "Yo, I'm gonna go get into the warehouse."

David eyed him incredulously. "Oh? And how do you plan to do that?"

"With a plan. A really good plan. Can I trust you to cover my dick if I fuck it up, which I won't, but just in case this timeline shifts over to one where I do, could you literally make sure I'm figuratively wearing underwear?"

"You mean cover your ass?"

"I know what I said."

David sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "...Alright, fine. Go ahead and put your dumbass plan into motion. I'll be right here waiting to save you, then berate you for failing."

"Reverse World War 2, eh? Not to worry, my friend – this is gonna go off without a hitch, just like the Challenger launch."

His piece said, C7 dusted off his lab coat, then began to saunter towards the front of the warehouse. Somehow, they didn't notice him until he had gotten within twenty feet, though they definitely noticed when he announced himself.

"Guten Tag!" C7 shouted with a wave.

Both men jumped, hands drifting to their belts where their teams were held. Both looked at him in bewilderment as he approached, seemingly unable to believe that someone could so brazenly approach them like this.

"Who are you?" one of them asked.

"Ah, ich bin ein New Hire! Me llamo Señor Peñor; ich habben ein big Wienerschnitzel!" He clicked his heels together, then raised his hands in a Roman salute. "Heil!"

Both men exchanged a glance, holding it for one second. They then immediately reached for their belts, sending out two Tyranitar.

Equally as immediately, C7 took off running back towards cover, zig-zagging to avoid Hyper Beams the whole time.

"Didn't fucking work for some reason!" he called out. "Get out here and help me, you assholes!"

He sprinted past his team and David, ducking behind cover. His team, desperately looking for a way to blow off some steam, immediately jumped into the fray. David let out a couple of his own – a Swampert and an Electivire. The two of them happened to lock eyes, and a grin made its way across C7's face.

"Show time," he said, undoing his lab coat and throwing it to the side, revealing an AK and several dozen magazines strapped to his body.
David's eyes widened. "You said you weren't carrying a gun!"

"I lied," C7 said, pulling back the charging handle and bringing the rifle to his shoulder. "Come suck the cock, you motherfuckers!"

He pulled the trigger… and the gun did nothing but click. Perplexed, he ran the action and pulled the trigger several times in succession, only for the weapon to continue to click.

"Uh, is that supposed to happen?" David asked as a Hyper Beam flew just over his head, forcing him to duck.

C7 glanced over at him, then down at his gun. "...Serbian piece of shit!" he shouted, throwing the rifle to the ground. "Knew I should've gone with the Norinco; Zastava ain't worth shit."

Crossing his arms, he settled down behind cover, sulking. David stared at him in disbelief. "...So, now what?"

"I figured we'd just sit here and let the ones who can actually fight handle this."

"Ah." David paused as Athena went flying overhead, landing in a heap a few yards back. "...It doesn't seem to be going well."

"It's a work-in-progress, alright? Just give it time." Vintovka went flying. "Any second now."

Swampert joined him. "...At some point something good will happen, trust me."

"Enough!" someone called out. Silence suddenly reigned over the battlefield. Cautiously, both men peeked up from behind cover.

From their spot behind the rocks, they could see that what was left of their teams were currently staring down a small army of other Pokemon, all of them having been released by what appeared to be the workers inside the warehouse. In the center stood a man in a crisp black suit, an impressive-looking mustache on his face. He slowly strode towards them, glaring the whole time.

"I spent months planning this operation, you know," he announced. "So much time and effort put into place, doing my best to acquire all the Porygon in town and wire them up to a central mainframe. And then you two idiots go and ruin it."

"I take offense to that," David said.

"Accurate," C7 said. "So, is this the part where you tell us your plans, then try to kill us? 'Cuz I've seen enough old James Bond movies to know where this is going."

"Indeed it is," the man replied. "You see, what I want is simple – I seek a return to greatness, one that can only be achieved when the entire world is free of distractions."

"Oh my God," C7 said, horrified. He looked over to David. "I was right!"

"About what?" the British man announced.

"It all makes sense, David Not-Bowie! This man – he's clearly German! The Hugo Boss and mustache prove it! Not only that, but he's working alongside a bunch of Turks and Austro-Hungarians! Do you know what this means?!"

"Not a clue."

"He's trying to resurrect Hitler!"

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"No, he's exactly right," the man announced.

"...I'm sorry, what?" David asked.

"I seek to create the Fifth Reich! It will be so intense that it will overshadow the Fourth Reich!"

"But… why steal all the Porygon?"

"It's simple," C7 began, "he plans to make everybody incredibly bored, so they go along with his crazy plan due to having nothing better to do. And he plans to do it by using his Porygon to go onto the Internet and delete all the porn in existence."

"That is the opposite of simple, and also the opposite of sane. Nothing about any of it makes any sense."

"We are simply operating on different mental wavelengths, then. This man is clearly of a similar intellectual fortitude than me, though he unfortunately chose to use his powers for evil rather than good." C7 gave David a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "I don't expect an infidel mind such as yours to understand."

"That's good, because I don't. Anyway, I'm putting an end to this." David reached into his suit and pulled out a phone, then typed something into it before bringing it up to his ear.

"Yes, there's currently a crazy man trying to take over the world over at the big abandoned warehouse. No, it's not Team Rocket. Or Team Aqua or Magma. Or Team Galactic. No, it's some other jerk-off."

"I'm sorry, what are you doing?" the megalomaniac asked.

"Calling the police."

"...But we're supposed to have a big battle! You can't just call the police!"

"I just did." David put his phone into his pocket. "They said they'll be here in about five minutes."

"Oh. So, I guess that gives me five minutes to put the hurt on you."

"C7, C7!"

All three of them turned as Missy came bounding up to her trainer excitedly, a nailgun in her grasp. "I found one!"

"Thanks, Missy," C7 said, taking the gun from her. "I'll be sure to give you a gold star when we get home."

She squealed in delight. C7 turned towards the still-unnamed wannabe goose-stepper, who paled.

"And what do you plan to do with that?"

"This."

He pulled the trigger, sending a nail directly into his crotch, pinning him to the warehouse door behind him. It took a moment for the pain to fully register, but it eventually did; the man screamed in pain.

C7, meanwhile, shrugged. "Well, it wasn't quite the ceiling, and it wasn't quite Vinny, but it'll do. Good enough for government work." Flashing lights from behind caught his attention, causing him to turn around. "And speaking of the government..."

Squads of police cars pulled up, armed officers and their highly-trained Pokemon stepping out loaded for bear. Everyone not associated with them took one look at what they were facing before throwing their hands up in surrender.

C7 included.

David raised an eyebrow. "Why are you surrendering?"

"Hey man, whatever makes it so they're less likely to think I'm a sovereign citizen," C7 replied.

"What the hell is a sovereign citizen?"

"Retarded, but that isn't important right now."

A cop approached the two of them weapon drawn. "You two responsible for this?"

"Define 'responsible'," C7 said. "If by 'responsible' you mean 'interrupted them before they could accomplish their nefarious plans', then yes, we're responsible."

The cop gave him a sideways glance before looking over to David. "So-"

David sighed. "Yes, we're responsible. What can we do for you?"

"Well, you can start by getting that guy to put his hands down, because it's weirding me out."

C7 and David exchanged a glance. Slowly, C7 lowered his hands, the whole time muttering something under his breath about mean road pirates.

The officer nodded. "Well, now that we've determined you aren't a problem, could you please step away from the crime scene? You're in the way."

Both men didn't need to be told twice. Gathering their Pokemon, they stepped outside of the police cordon, pausing only to point and laugh at the guy still nailed crotch-first to the warehouse door. Once they were no longer inside the cordon, they turned to each other.

"So," C7 began, "I know we had our differences, but-"

"Please don't say we make a good team?"

"What? No. God, no. We make a fucking shitty team and I never want to see you again."

"Likewise."

"...But at the same time, thanks for covering my ass."

David shrugged. "Yeah, well… uh… thanks for being dumb enough to expose yourself like that in the name of exposing a criminal enterprise."

"The fuck are you talking about? I just wanted to get some."

"...Be that as it may, it kept me from having to leave cover, so you have my thanks."

"Sure."

The two of them settled into an awkward silence. Finally, C7 sighed.

"...Alright, I guess you're not so bad," he admitted. "Fuck it. I'll agree to live and let live."

"...I wish I could say the same, but you're still utterly insane and incredibly unlikable."

"Eh, it's still an improvement. I'll take it."

"I'm sure. Anyway, I'm leaving. I hope to encounter you never."

"Alright, bro. See you. Good luck with that whole Brexit thing."

"And good luck to you with that whole 2020 election thing."

With that, the two of them split, heading off in opposite directions. C7's Pokemon came bounding over to him, having recovered by this point. He raised an eyebrow.

"What's this? Come to congratulate me for deciding to bury the hatchet for once?"

"Why would we congratulate you for basic human decency?" Gardevoir asked.

"Because I'm the last person you'd expect it from?"

"Honestly, I'm surprised you're asking for congrats for saving all the porn on the internet," Athena pointed out.

"Oh, please – I would have done that with or without the congratulations. How am I supposed to live without my Girls' Frontline doujins?"

"Oh, so you've finally moved on from Touhou?"

"Bet your ass. There's this one where Fuze from Rainbow Six Siege fucks AK-12, and the entire thing is just memes. It's the kind of doujin you pull your pants up to read. Fucking masterful."

"I don't need to hear about your bedroom antics, thank you very much."

"Come on, that wasn't even lewd. Besides, I hear all about your bedroom antics all fucking night."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means someone should really shove a sock in your mouth or something, because God damn, you shake the whole house when you get into it. Sounds like a fucking air raid siren."

Not even second later, C7 was forced to start sprinting away from a hundred pounds of pissed-off Dark type. The others simply sighed and rolled their eyes, then continued walking.

Just another day in the C7 household, then.

Hopefully the next day wouldn't be anywhere near as crazy, but none of them were holding their breath.