A/N: Here's the first chapter of a series of one-shots I plan to update periodically. It will contain little entries on "derpy" Pokémon, as well as ones I just find weird or creepy.

Warning: This fic contains, among other stupid things;

References to violence (Yes. Just yes.)

Suggestive themes (Maybe)

Some Goddamn swears (do you even need to check?)

The painful/humorous truth behind your favorite Pokémon (hopefully humorous, that is)

Me going full retard (Or, as it's more commonly known, "Remains being Remains")

References to drugs and alcohol (don't do either, kids!)

References to Pink Floyd (Because Pink Floyd needs more references, dammit!)

Pop culture references (Well, I tried)

Bullshit (an overabundance of)

Derpydex Chapter 1: Absol

Okay, let's get started with this ABSOLute stupidity (see what I did there?). First off, do you really need me to explain why Absol is on this list? I'm assuming yes, because the look on your theoretical face is like, "WTF Absol". Well, just look at it… It's like Arceus decided to take every slasher film ever made and roll it into one quadruped, then make it homicidal. There's not a whole lot of proof that it's homicidal, but I'm pretty sure the first thing anyone with a body 90% sword would do is murder the innocent. I imagine the creation process went something like this; the ambiguously gendered legendaries were acting derpy, especially Arceus. My rendition of the process:

Mew: Arceus, are you drunk?

Arceus: (hic) N-no… I'm (hic) okay… Now what do you (hic) think of this'un?

Mew: …Are those swords?

Arceus: (guffaws) Yes! I'm not (hic) drunk! (Pukes, then falls over and passes out from alcohol poisoning. Which, I must add, is weird. You'd think a God-allegory legendary would be immune to alcohol…)

Seriously, look me in the eye and tell me Arceus wasn't drunk or high during this thing's conception. At the very least he did what I do every Friday night; grind up Pink Floyd C.D.'s, then snort the powder. It gives the same effect as Cocaine, but without the horrible side effects.

Now, for the personality. Absol are kind, friendly creatures. They often display affection to their trainers through "Love Bites", or, in normal cases, "Love holy-shit-you-cut-out-my-damn-spine!" Oh, did I mention the whole thing about natural disasters? No? Well, these things are rumored to cause disasters. It's obviously bullshit, but just know that your superstitious neighbors may or may not burn you and this drunken accident of a Pokémon at the stake. That's no exaggeration; according to the town of Littleroot, Absol have a taste resembling people, who have a taste resembling Seaking, who have a taste resembling smoked steak. That would explain why nobody lives there, would it not?

In addition to the above statements, let's not forget that Absol are covered in chucklefucking swords. Swords, dammit! You think that scythe, those claws, and the tail are for decoration, or some bullshit? No, they're for inflicting massive amounts of pain and making people wet themselves in terror. How do you think I lost my hand? In 'Nam? No, my Absol, Athena, cut it off with her head-scythe thing. She hates nerds, apparently. Seriously, that head-scythe thing is sharp. Okay, you know what? I'm tired of saying "head-scythe thing". From now on, I will be referring to it as a "dingus", as in "Athena stabbed me with her dingus", or "That sure is a sharp dingus", or even, "Hey, you over there. Yes, you, with the face. I'll give you twenty bucks to polish my Absol's dingus".

Oh, how the list goes on! Now I'll be discussing the diet of a typical Absol. The typical Absol lives on a diet of human nightmares, tears, and blood, though they occasionally eat less threatening Pokémon (that is, all of them who aren't made entirely of cold steel). Don't, whatever you do, give them Pokéfood, as that only makes them pissed at eating something pre-killed. At least, that's what the experts say. I, personally, think that it's because Pokéfood resembles the result of a late-night taco run with your drinkin' buddies, but my opinion is worth very little. It's also in your best interest to never bring up the subject of omnivores or herbivores around Absol; again, this has to do with the whole "not freshly killed" thing. Better stock up on I.V.'s, because you will be giving blood a lot more than you thought you would ever have to.

What's that? You want to catch an Absol? Well, I recommend bringing a team of highly trained plastic surgeons, the biggest gun you can find (again, this thing is almost all blade. There's no such thing as overkill in a situation like this, so don't be lazy in your selection), and an extra pair of pants (preferably colored brown, yellow, or any combination of the two). Oh, and a therapist, because you, the doctors, and your ruined pants will need some serious help after this stupid outing. I wanted to just leave the entry at that, but Athena demands more, and what Athena wants, Athena gets. To train an Absol… Don't. Just, don't. Catch it, store it in the P.C., and never, ever, ever let it out! For the love of all that is holy, leave it in the godallegorydamned ball! Absol, when angry, thoroughly enjoy aiming for the crotch, and every athletic cup in the world wouldn't protect you from that dingus. If that's not reason enough to convince you to leave it in the aforementioned ball, then you must not value your genitalia very much. Weirdo.

Did I forget to mention how incredibly painful that dingus is? On a scale of one to ten, it's easily try-not-to-shit-out-your-fucking-spine. Yes, I know that's not a number, but neither is Q, so sue me. No, that doesn't have anything to do with anything, but I felt a shitty explanation was in order. Now, I leave you with this; I'm all out of Pink Floyd C.D.'s, please send me some. Oh, and call the cops, because Athena is currently gnawing on my leg, and I can no longer feel it.

A/N: For the record, dingus actually is a word. It's a placeholder for "thing", so don't go thinking perverted thoughts... Even if they WERE implied...

Oh, and you shouldn't grind Pink Floyd C.D.'s into powder and try and snort it. For one, that's Pink Floyd you're grinding up and, for another, it will probably kill you.

And, I'm going to have to ignore those requests, because FFN decided to delete my story. Sorry, but I don't really have a choice in the matter. It angers me just as much as you'd think.