Disclaimer:  Trust me, you would know.

A/N: Are any of you "For All Eternity" fans?  If so, gomen nasai!!  It needs serious rewrites, and as a result has been removed *temporarily* from fanfiction.net.  But hey!  In the meantime, you can satisfy yourself with a good healthy dose of Takato-ness, and await the Taichi-ness later!  This fic, "Jaded" is another strange idea I had while watching Digimon Tamers.  BTW, REVIEW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Please?

Jaded

Chapter One: Innocent No More

Everyone just thinks I'm a nice guy
It's a little galling

Being able to fight isn't the only way to be strong
I know that, but I can't say it

~Translated from Across the Tears

            Takato was alone.  Not that he didn't mind.  He liked being alone.  But he didn't show it.  He was always pretending.  Pretending to be a sweet caring guy who was always ready with a kind word.  Pretending to be always concerned with the troubles of others.  Oh, if only they knew.

            He had changed so drastically.  He used to have sugar brown hair with creamy peach skin.  He had also had sparkling red eyes.  His attire had rarely differed from the familiar blue sweatshirt.  Now, his hair was light brown and his skin was practically white.  Sparkling red eyes had changed into dull ruby orbs.  He wore black a lot more than anything else.

            Exactly how this mysterious change had come, everyone was left in the dark.  It was difficult for anyone to accept this dark Takato, especially when memories of the old one surfaced.  Takato would remain silent when talk of the good times came, and eventually, his friends distanced away from him.  This suited him fine.

            Happiness was an emotion now impossible to grasp again, that innocent bliss in just life was strange to Takato, who had once been able to easily grab that simple pleasure not too long ago.  Now, he was separated by a wall from the emotions.  The only thing he truly felt was anguish. 

            Anguish.  Such an innocent word.  But it hid horrors that no one could even comprehend if they themselves had not lived it.  Takato was being forced into that world of suffering, and there was no escape, save death.  But Takato forced himself on, despite that wondrous realm of escape that death would bring. 

            Somehow, being exposed to that pure misery had changed Takato.  He found it impossible to see the good in life, or to see any light-hearted joy that could pull him out of his melancholy state.  He saw nothing to live for.   So, he constantly asked himself, why was he still living?  He could die anytime.  Yet, he pushed forth.

            Takato was considering suicide.  It was an option.  Not definite.  Yet.  But he had grown into the habit of attempting it many times, playing with life in a game where there were no winners. 

            Tonight, he would play again.  He pulled the knife from under the pillow.  He toyed with it, then, he gently cut into his arm.  He watched the blood trickle out, tiny droplets fall to the floor.  Then, he did it again.  Takato fell so deeply into this game that he lost track of time.  Suddenly, he was aware that it was nearly midnight.  He looked at the ground.  The tiny droplets had grown to a pool of that crimson blood.

              He dropped the knife, and stared in shock.  Never had he unconsciously gone that far.  The knife landed with a hard clunk upon the floor.  His arm continued to silently bleed, slowly killing him.  The pain suddenly shot to Takato's mind.  He felt nothing.  Pain like this was nothing.  Nothing.  He was getting dizzy from the loss of blood.  He struggled to stay conscious, knowing that losing his senses would make him lose the game of life.  Not tonight. 

            He was suddenly aware of a solemn presence in his room.  He glared swiftly up, and his garnet eyes erupted with fury when he saw the calm Renamon staring at him.  "Why are you doing this?  Slowly killing yourself.  It's a foolish mistake, Takato." 

            "I don't care!  Get out!! NOW!!!!!"  His anger made him forget the lightheadedness that had threatened him before.   He stood up, although he was forced to grab the bed post for support.  The fox Digimon raised an eyebrow. 

            "I'll call Ruki.  She'll get you out of this mess."  The Digimon made a move to teleport.  Takato began to laugh, but it was not the happy laughter that usually touched Renamon's ears. 

            "Do what you want.  You can't win."  Takato's bitter, cynical laughter bounced off the walls, and he jeered at the Digimon.  "I'll get my way in the end.  You can't stop anything from going on as it is."  He was now standing in a pool of his own blood, but he didn't seem to care.  "Now get out."  His eyes were filled with a calm sort of anger that frightened Renamon. 

            Then, the boy seemed to remember the dizzying sensation that had possessed him before.  He sat down, and closed his eyes.  Renamon left, but she was left with a lingering worry of what Takato would do if he was left to continue like this for too long.