JANUARY 17, 2012: Note that, due to recent developments in the manga, this story is now AU from the moment Ichigo defeats Ginjo. Assume for this story's purposes that the Vizards have not returned to their previous captain assignments, and that Ichigo did not revisit soul society right after killing Ginjo.

. . .

∙ the ∙ color ∙ of ∙ psychosis ∙

prologue

. . .

'Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind

as man's ingratitude'

. . .

She has never been scared of him. 'Cold,' the villagers in Rukongai whisper along with many words less kind as they turn their faces away, but when she looks across the river at the white-haired little boy sitting all by himself, she only thinks, 'lonely.'

It doesn't matter what the other kids say. They can't see because they never bother to look. She has always seen the gentleness underneath his brittle exterior. Even years and years later, when she catches fearful rumors of a prodigy with eyes colder than any child's ever ought to be, she only frowns at their petty jealousy. 'Like ice,' they whisper, thinking of sharp edges and aloof competence. 'Like snow,' she thinks, as she scrubs her hand through his fluffy white hair and he grudgingly lets her because he is really kinder than anyone. She smiles a secret smile because no one else knows about the boy before the captain like she does, about watermelon seeds and spinning tops and scraped knees and starry skies. He will always be Shiro-chan to her.

Like everything else she has ever believed in, Aizen takes her once unshakeable faith in Hitsugaya and dashes it to pieces at her feet. Shiro-chan is the last pillar of truth in her world untainted by Aizen's poison; she wraps herself in memories of a boy with cold eyes and a warm heart who would never, ever hurt her to keep out the memories of a man with warm eyes and a cold heart who had broken her.

Aizen tears that comfort away from her as he forces her to see the truth behind her Shiro-chan, one that she has not seen because she has never truly bothered to look.

She has taken him for granted for too long.

'My blade is full of hate!'

In the end, captains do not become captains for their kind hearts or their brilliant minds. They become captains because they are the deadliest weapons in Soul Society's arsenal. The white cloak is a symbol of fear as much as it is a symbol of power.

Shiro-chan is cloaked in white.

Understanding comes too late to save her. She chokes under the crushing spirit force and the monstrous killing intent pouring off Hitsugaya, and horror blooms in heart. She has never seen him like this. This is not the boy from Rukongai. This is not the little brother she once teased and snuggled to her heart's content. This is hate and ice and death and everything else he has never let her see. His eyes blaze white with wrath. She looks into them and doesn't think of watermelon seeds or spinning tops or scraped knees or starry skies. She only thinks 'cold' as his bankai pierces her heart, so cold that it burns. Too late, she learns how to fear. There isn't a single shred of Shiro-chan in Hitsugaya's broken eyes.

The aftermath is filled with silence and tears.

The shattered pieces of what was once absolute and unbreakable litter the distance between them now. She knows the truth behind Aizen's illusions, of course, but knowing and knowing are very different things. As long as her heart still remembers the cold blade cutting through her like betrayal, she cannot forgive his violation of their sacred childhood trust. Now, she can see all the fury and force of a winter blizzard lingering in the edges of his gaze and hear the thundering roar of the dragon echoing in his footsteps. Suddenly, she realizes just how much he has changed, how aloofly he stands and how dispassionately he gives orders, all the little mannerisms she once found so endearing coldly excised with a captain's discipline. His eyes are so much older, so much colder than she remembers. He is a stranger wearing Shiro-chan's face.

'Hitsugaya-taicho,' she calls him now and flinches away from his reaching hands before she can stop herself from thinking, 'how many have those hands destroyed?' She keeps her head bowed now, because she can't bear to see the look on his face.

Wordlessly, he understands everything she doesn't say, and he lets her go. She needs unlearn the fear that has been carved into her heart before she can heal.

It takes her a long, long time to pick up all the broken pieces of herself and glue them together with the love of all her friends. Slowly, she relearns how to smile at Renji's gruff kindness and Kira's awkward thoughtfulness. Slowly, she lets Rangiku's sisterly teasing teach her how to laugh again. Tobiume's soft whispers grow louder by the day, restoring her self-confidence and strength one inch at a time. Healing is a long process, but she has as many years or decades as she needs to get back on her feet.

It isn't until one day, when she looks across an empty courtyard at the white-haired, not-so-little-anymore captain watching over her solemnly from a distance, always a distance, that she realizes she has truly healed. Her heart whispers 'lonely' instead of 'cold'.

And she finally reaches out, ready to reclaim the last, shimmering white shard of her past. She wants it back, all of it, the memories of watermelon seeds and spinning tops and scraped knees and starry skies.

But she has taken him for granted for too long.

When she reaches, he is not there.

Too late, she learns. Too late, some things, once lost, are lost forever.

He will never be her Shiro-chan again.

. . .

Author's note:

Hope you enjoyed the teaser to the fic. The next chapter will jump straight into the action, I promise! Hitsugaya-centric, obviously, but many other characters will have major roles. For you rabid shippers, I'll say this now: there will be very little explicit romance of ANY pairing, but there WILL be subtext, and you can bet that character relationships WILL be explored and deconstructed. I like making my characters suffer and bleed.

Just looking at my plot outline, this is going to be the biggest project I've ever written. Prepare for a trip to the darker side of the Bleach universe, angst and fridge horror galore.

Buckle in for a long ride!

I'm also looking for a beta reader, so if anyone's up for it, please drop me a PM.