A/N: So I haven't touched this story since 2012, but I've felt like returning to it. I wrote it when I was fairly young and so I decided that while I liked the basic concept, there were a lot of stylistic changes and character changes I wanted to make. Some stuff felt very out of character and could have been written better. So…this is the updated version of the first chapter. I'm going to leave the original up for now and then label the updated chapters as "updated" so you know which is the new part. I'm not sure if anyone has interest in this old story anymore, but I wanted to revisit it. I hope you enjoy this newly edited chapter 1. Please let me know what you'd like to see happen in the rewrite/ what you liked/ didn't like in the original version.
Minerva followed behind Albus as they rode the staircase into his office. She was clasping her hands together because they were shaking the longer she pictured young Potter lying on the steps of the Muggle home. Albus stepped into his office and gently led her in as he shut the door. "Now, Minerva, you must calm yourself. I told you before of my reasons…"
"No!" she snapped, her voice quivering, her Scottish brogue etched into her words. "I am well aware of your intentions, Albus, but those people have no regard for the wizarding world. Leaving him with ordinary Muggles would have been better."
"Minerva please," he pleaded, his voice calm unlike hers. His composure irritated her.
"Listen? Listen to you Albus?" She shut her eyes for a moment, hoping to blink away the fatigue that practically blinded her. "I listened to you like I always do, but now you left an orphaned baby on the doorstep of two people who will do anything to keep him from knowing about us. Do you care about him?" She paused to catch her breath, hoping he would cut her off. But, he wouldn't. He never did. No matter what, he always let her say what she needed to say. Whether he acted on her ideas was another story. Her entire career had been following Albus's footsteps. She took his seat as Transfigurations professor. She took his role as Head of Gryffindor house. She became his deputy. And throughout all the years, she had always been the voice of reason in his ear. Most of the time, he valued her opinion. This was not one of those times. "Is that it Albus? Do you not care about the boy?" she asked desperately, knowing full well he cared and knowing full well it would tug at a heart string. They were all hurt by the events of that evening. Sure, Voldemort was gone, but many lives had been lost. They were all worn done with the fatigue of war. Between fighting the battles that she could and looking after the students while Albus was off on some mission, the elder witch was tired and her emotions high. Minerva watched as her beloved colleague sunk into his seat, rubbing his head. Her heart was beating fast as she waited for him to reply, simultaneously trying to calm herself. Being so worked up would do nothing to help the situation. Albus had made his choice.
Whether out of anger or stress, she found her, fists had been clenched at her side, so tightly they were almost white. She released the tension and watched the blood flow back into her hands. An overwhelming silence had fallen over them, her deep breathing the only sound in the room. Finally, he stood and said, "Minerva, please. I think its best you get some rest and we can rationally discuss this in the morning. There have been tears welling in your eyes ever since I placed the note with Harry." Dumbledore walked to her side and reached out to touch her, but stubbornly she moved away. Normally she would have allowed her friend to comfort her, but she couldn't bring herself to allow it.
"Don't try to act as if I am the one being irrational! You're irrational, leaving a child that so many people are after in that home with those people, I can't believe of all the things that have happened in this school you would just-."
Suddenly, the office door flew open with a bang and in stepped a weeping Hagrid, his eyes wide when they fell on Minerva and Albus. She gripped the side of Albus' desk and felt him take her hand and squeeze, but once more she pulled away. "Is this a bad time Headmaster Dumbledore sir?" Hagrid asked, wiping tears from his eyes.
Glaring back at Albus she saw him step towards the giant. "No Hagrid, it's alright. Come in," he coaxed.
Although still shaking with anger, Minerva saw she was getting nowhere and straightening her hat strode from the scene. "Minnie," he called after her, the only person she would allow to use such a pet name. Her shoulders still tense, she turned to face him. "I do hope you will come to my office tomorrow."
"Good night, Albus," she replied evenly, turning on her heel and climbed back down the stairs.
Slowly the Transfigurations Mistress, wrapped in her robes, but still shivering, made her way towards the common rooms. She knew the possibility of sleep that night was far from her, so she decided to make sure her students were all right.
The first common room she came upon was the Slytherin. Thinking of the name made her sick. She couldn't bear to enter even though she knew the unfairness of associating all the children with a few horrid families. Minerva prided herself on being a teacher first, but that night she couldn't bring herself to enter her rival house's common room. She made a mental note to ask Rolanda to check on it later. Just as she was prepared to walk away, she heard a huge clattering from beneath her. Her nerves still shaken from the past few hours, Minerva jumped at the sound. Only the worse possible scenario of where the noise could be coming from popped into her head. Part of her wanted to go back to Albus and ask him to investigate, but she was not about to swallow her pride after what had just transpired between them.
Once more a crash came, only this time she could recognize it as shattering glass. This immediately resolved any fears she had about it being related to the Dark Lord or his followers. She stood still, but then it came to her that the Potions classroom was below her and she ran down to see if a student was out of bed. Student mischief was something she had never wanted more. It would beat everything else going on in the world. Minerva quickly made her way down the stairs and opened the door.
From holding the door ajar, she could see it was no student causing the commotion, but Severus gripping onto a large shelf of potions with both his hands, almost as if he were about to tip it on top of himself. His face was turned away from her, so the only thing she saw was the back of him, but even then, she could see something wasn't right. He was not clad in his usual attire, wearing only a slightly unbuttoned white dress shirt and black pants. His normal teaching robe lay beneath him on the floor, covered in bits of glass and dripping with liquid. His hands were gripping on the edge of the shelf as he stood hunched over it, sobs racking his body.
"Severus?" she called softly, afraid to catch him by surprise. Her hands were shaking when it hit her what was wrong. Lilly Potter. How could she have forgotten? The poor man had been in love with her as a child. Every teacher had noticed, and all their hearts had gone out to him when he was young. Once James and Lilly had gotten involved and eventually married, the memories of Severus's care for the girl had parted her mind. She was sure they never parted his. Lilly was undoubtably the only friend he had ever had.
Suddenly, he turned to look at her as she stood motionless, unsure of what to do. When she finally saw his face, Minerva felt her heart stop. The usually pale face of the Potions Master was stark white with streaks of red etching to his cheeks as tears fell. His dark eyes that were usually cold as rocks were glistening with tears as they streamed uncontrollably down his face.
Minerva stood, mouth gaping slightly and managed only to shake her head in disbelief. The pity she couldn't help but show must have angered him for he threw another vile to the ground. Blue potions spilled out of the bottle and the glass she could see added another cut into his already battered hands. This time he didn't look at her but fled for the safety of his desk.
Finally gaining a bit of courage Minerva took a step into the room, careful of the contents on the ground and whispered, "Severus, are you alright?" The woman could have slapped herself for the question, but she had no idea what else to say.
"Let me be," he choked, tears coming more heavily now as he leaned onto his desk.
Minerva removed her hat and set it on a desk, walking towards the man before her. "What can I do?" she asked, this time a bit more forceful.
"Stop," he hissed, it was the only word he was able to get out.
This time when Minerva moved, she moved all the way to where Severus stood trembling. Trying not to show her hesitation, Minerva took her own top robe off and placed it over his shoulders.
"Why did you come?" he asked shaking his head.
Why had she come? Minerva couldn't answer the question. Sure, she had responded to the noise, but she could have easily turned away when she saw it was not a student. She hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder and eased him into his chair. His entire body stiffened at her touch, and while it was uncomfortable for her as well, she knew the man needed someone. "Let's sit Severus," she said quietly.
She pulled a chair to sit beside him. The only motion in the room was her fingers gently grazing his shoulder. The witch had been his professor, had known him almost his whole life, yet she'd never been this close to him. Finally, he whispered, "She was supposed to be safe."
"Li-," he began, but seemed not able to go on.
"I'm so sorry, Severus."
"Lily!" was all he could make out through his sobs. "Albus told me she'd be safe," he added, his shoulders shaking, tension building inside him so hard she could feel it through the touch they shared. "I…I found her, Minerva. I found her dead." Severus let his head hang, lips pierced as he spoke.
"I know."
Violently he tore from her small hold on him and buried his face in his hands. "Leave Minerva! You can't stay here. I am capable…of many things, including harming you."
Minerva reached to touch his shoulder again, finding he twitched but didn't push away. "And I am capable of defending myself in case something does happen," she replied sharply. "I've been through war, Severus. You need not forget that."
Severus nodded and slowly touched her arm, grasping tightly. "Thank you."
She smiled lightly, allowing him to feel for comfort as he needed it. The hand he held her with suddenly jerked uncontrollably and he grabbed his wrist as if it stung. From the blow her body jerked as well and her hair that had been loosely confined to a bun spilled onto her shoulders, a few pins dropping against the floor. Clutching his arm Severus looked back at her, eyes still tearful, but holding a bit more life. In one swift motion, the man beside her pulled her into a tight embrace, his hands clutching at her back so hard it almost hurt.
Minerva rubbed his back in small circles, otherwise unsure what to do to help. She could feel his breath against her neck, her hair moving as he breathed. Whether it was because of the emotions of the evening or something more, Minerva didn't know, but she found that she rather enjoyed being close to the Potion's Master. Having never been so close to him, she found he smelled surprisingly good, but she couldn't identify the scent. A single hand found its way to his hair and as she ran her fingers through it to calm him, she found rather than greasy as it had been in his youth, it was soft. Something about him suddenly seemed human- a word she had not associated Severus Snape with for a long time.
Trying to shift her focus away from the slight enjoyment she was getting out of holding him, she realized the robe that had previously been around his shoulders had dropped from his shoulders and was soaking up liquids that had spread onto the floor. It brought her attention back to the mess he had made. "Shall I help you clean up?" she asked in almost a whisper, attempting to pull away from his hold.
His grip on her tightened. "I don't need these things anymore."
Pulling slightly back from the embrace, she looked him in the eyes. "Severus, there is always a reason to move on." Tears began to wet her lashes as she took in just how deep Severus's pain was. "Surely, you must know that- someone who has been through so much in their life…"
"Have you ever been in love?" he asked bitterly.
"Yes," she choked, cursing silently at the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. While it had been long ago, she had had her share of love affairs, even a short marriage. The elder witch knew the pains of love, but she also knew the strength that could come from moving on.
He let his face fall to her shoulder again, clenching his teeth until he spoke. "But did you lose them?"
"I did," Minerva stated more evenly.
His hands were shaking as they pressed against her back. "You should go, Minerva."
Pulling back from him, she found he dropped his arms from her and looked away. "Severus-,"
"I said you should go," he replied, his voice cold. "You shouldn't be here."
She reached out to touch his arm again, but he pulled away. "You don't have to shove everyone out, you know." The witch was slightly annoyed by the man's switch in attitude. She was afraid to leave him alone. The sudden humanity she'd found in him had been somewhat comforting for her as well. Albus spoke so much of big picture that sometimes he seemed to lack the normal experiences of pain. The Headmaster was always trying to justify events rather than letting reality set in. Severus had been real, no façade put up, and she'd enjoyed sharing their pain together. Misery loves company, she thought to herself.
"And look what happened tonight when I didn't," he said matter of factly. "I'd prefer we go back to the arrangement where you hate me like everyone else. I'm sure deep down in your Gryffindor blood, you still despise me, Minerva. War can do funny things to people. I'm sure tomorrow you'll be back up Albus's ass like the rest of them."
"And you really think I'm as thick as the others?" she asked, furious at his implications that she was nothing but a puppet. "You think that I just buy into all his plans?"
"You're his deputy, aren't you?" Severus sneered.
"I am indeed, and I seem to be the only one who can ever talk any sense into him."
"And pray tell me, Minerva, where did that influential sense of yours put Lilly and James?" His voice was sharp, and the words cut her like a knife. She'd cared about the family as much as Severus, just in a very different way. The deputy was already feeling immense amounts of guilt for the events that transpired that evening. She felt tears sting her eyes, but she vowed not to back down to him. He was out of line.
"All I did was come in here to try and help you and now you have the bloody gal to stand here and insult me-,"
"I never asked for your help!" he roared.
Opening her mouth to say something else, Minerva took a step towards him, but found she lost her footing from the liquids that had spilled across the floor. Before she hit the floor, Severus had caught her arm instinctively and pulled her to stand. Much to her surprise, he didn't let go of her arm. She looked into his eyes once more and found they were incredibly hard to read. His eyebrows were furrowed in anger, but there was a sense of desperation to his look as he still had tears in his eyes. Her breath caught in her mouth as she allowed him to keep hold of her arm. The man before her gently grasped her other arm, edging her slightly towards him. No words were exchanged between the two, and Minerva couldn't grasp what it was he was doing. Though his hands trembled, they were soft against her exposed skin. One of his hands reached up and brushed her cheek and she shuddered at the touch. It felt good.
Before she had a moment to think, he had leaned in and captured her lips with his. Instinctively, Minerva had tensed at the sudden intimate gesture, but when he pulled her closer to him, chests crushed against one another, she began to relax. His tongue begged entrance to her mouth, and against her better judgement, she allowed it. The kiss was not like one shared by two lovers or even two people that longed to be lovers. While her body began to react to his, she also knew that there was nothing sexual about this kiss. Both Minerva and Severus needed another person to help calm their raging emotions. Any sort of intimate gesture was a comfort during such a hard time. She knew that this was not a sign that he was attracted to her nor a move towards something more between them. At her age, she could recognize that things often happened between people when they were in most need of another person. Nevertheless, she found she enjoyed kissing him and moved her hand to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. He moaned a little when she did this and his hands found their way lower on her back, cupping her behind and squeezing. Minerva was the one to pull away for a moment and exhale. A man hadn't touched her in so long. She had forgotten how good it felt to be close to another person.
It was a short-lived moment, and when they parted, neither made a move to leave. His fingertips were still resting on her hips, but she could feel them shaking through her robes. She felt her face begin to flush in embarrassment as she realized she had just kissed a former student- one that was a great deal younger than she. "Severus…"
"You should go," he said. There was a hint of coldness in his voice as he dropped his arms, but the ways his eyes had ceased to leave hers, she could tell his heart wasn't in it. He was just doing what they both knew was right. They weren't a young couple in love, trying to start a romance. They were two adults, two colleagues, whose lives were far too complicated to have a one-night fling with each other.
"I know," was all she said in reply. A few more moments of silence passed between them until she broke from his gaze. "Would you like me to-,"
"Don't." The Potion's Master put his hand up.
She nodded. He wanted to be alone. It was a feeling she normally understood all too well. For the first time, in a long time, however, she felt a deep desire to stay near him. She couldn't remember the last time she'd taken comfort in any way other than alone in her chambers. It felt good to be with another person. But, Severus was hurting, and her presence was probably complicating things for him. The elder witch knew the last thing he needed was another woman around.
When she began to leave, he caught her wrist in his hand. Turning to face him, his hair hung slightly in his face. He looks so innocent, she thought to herself. "I'm sorry." The apology took her by surprise. Severus never backed down. He never apologized.
A small smile crept its way onto her face. "Do not apologize, Severus. We're all human. Though, I'd imagine both of our students would tend to think quite differently. It doesn't mean we must always act like we're not." He nodded, a long silence falling between them. Minerva felt as if she should say something else, but she was having troubling finding the words. "We've…we've both been through a trying night. Do try and get some rest; I'll try to do the same." Even as the words fell from her lips, she knew they were a lie. Neither her nor Severus were going to sleep that night.
He didn't reply, nor did she expect him to. Minerva turned and walked out the door, making her way back upstairs to check on her cubs one more time before retiring for the night, or what was left of it.