This is set about five years in the future. It's probably going to be three parts maximum.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Rookie Blue, I've just borrowed them for a while!

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Dear Sam

Chapter 1

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Sam reached up to the top shelf of the closet, he grabbed the handles of the bag he needed and began to pull it down. As it jerked forward it knocked a box that had been resting beside it on the shelf to the floor. He dropped the bag to the ground and knelt down to pick up the box. He ran his hand over the lid and smiled, it was Andy's box. He had seen her many times putting it back on the shelf; her face always had the same faraway look on it. He had never asked her about what she kept in it, knowing that whatever it was, if she wanted to tell him she would, but if she didn't then that was fine too. He couldn't help but look at it, balanced in his hands, his eyes studying the swirling patterns that decorated the outside of it. He knew he shouldn't look, but whatever was inside might have been damaged by the fall and he'd hate to think that Andy would find its precious contents broken.

Slowly he walked over to the bed and perched on the edge, the bag he'd originally wanted was forgotten. His attention was now entirely focused on the box. He was lost in an internal battle about whether he should break her trust and look inside. His fingers played with the edge of the box before he finally gave in, promising himself he would only peep to check that everything inside was intact.

Slowly he lifted the lid, he wasn't sure what he had expected to find inside, but it certainly wasn't a box full of envelopes. He took the lid off completely and placed it next to him on the bed, he flicked his fingers through the stack of envelopes; each one had his name written on the front in Andy's familiar scrawl and a small number in the corner. He couldn't help but let his fingers move backwards and forwards across the tops of the envelopes wondering why Andy had written to him without ever showing him.

Puzzled he continued to stare at the box, as his fingers moved back for the third time he slowly picked up the first envelope, it was addressed to him, he reasoned as his fingers ran along the edge of the envelope's flap. He needed to know what Andy had found so important to write to him, but never share with him.

He sighed, his heart pounding in his chest as he slowly lifted the flap, tentatively pulling the carefully folded piece of paper from the envelope. He unfolded it and began to read…

Dear Sam,

You're probably never going to read this, but I needed to write this down, to share with someone all the things that swim in my head. I'm not very good at sharing my thoughts, but somehow you're quite good at reading me, guess it's all of the hours we've spent together on patrol. You always know when I'm over thinking something before I even realise it. Somewhere along the line you became the one person in the world who knows me, who really understands me. Until I met you I never even knew that there would be someone who gets me like you do.

You might exasperate me at times and drive me to distraction but I can't imagine my life without you in it. You're my anchor; you keep me grounded in this crazy world that we live in, that we choose to protect. You've become the one person who I can truly rely on.

As our relationship changed, I realised just how important you are to me. I can't imagine not waking up with you in the morning, or arguing with you, or watching you sleep. You're the person that changed my life and sometimes I'm not very good at telling you how I feel, but then neither are you, but know one thing I love you.

You really enjoy telling anyone who'll listen that I was the one who ruined your eight months undercover, at first that really infuriated me, but now I can laugh because if I hadn't chased you and 'tried to kiss you' we probably wouldn't be where we are now. We wouldn't have the chance to be 'normal' well what's normal for us!

I've written these for me and maybe one day I'll share them with you.

Love always,

Andy

Sam reread the letter, her words settling in his mind. He smiled, even after all of the time they'd been together, communication about the really important things was still something they were working on.

A cry from across the hallway disturbed his thoughts; he placed the letter on top of the box and quickly dropped the box on the bed as he hurried towards the source of the cry.

He opened the door and hurried over to the crib, where Lily stood balanced on her chubby legs resting against the side of the crib, her hands held up towards her father, "Dada," she cried; her face wet with tears.

He reached in and lifted her into his arms, he smiled as she instantly snuggled into his body; her head nestling against neck; he rubbed reassuring circles on her back and began to talk quietly to her.

"Mama?" Lily asked, her voice mumbled against his neck.

"Ssh, Lily," he cooed, "Mommy can't come now," his voice hitched as his mind briefly allowed him to remember where Andy was.

"Mama," Lily's little voice echoed in the silence.

He walked over to the rocking chair that he'd restored for the nursery when they'd found out Andy was pregnant and lowered himself into it, gently adjusting Lily, so that he could look into her sleepy brown eyes. He rubbed his fingertips gently across her face and slowly began to rock back and forth, just like he'd seen Andy do hundreds of times before. Quietly he began to sing the song he'd heard Andy sing, hoping that it would be enough to settle Lily.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity Lily's eyes began to grow heavy and slowly they fluttered closed. He looked at her relaxed face and he could see Andy's face reflected in his daughter's, she also was as stubborn as his wife. Satisfied that she was soundly asleep he carefully rose to his feet and carried her back to her crib. Gently settling her back into her bed, covering her with her comforter, he stood and watched her, his heart aching that Andy was missing this.

He didn't know how long he stood there watching her sleep, but it was something he'd found himself doing more and more since…

He couldn't bring himself to think about it, the moment where his world had changed. The moment when Oliver had knocked on his door, a look etched on his face that had shattered Sam's world. That had shattered Lily's world too. The moment Oliver had told him that Andy had been hurt. That had been nearly a month ago and since that moment their lives had changed.

Satisfied that Lily wasn't going to wake up, he returned to their bedroom; to the box that was sitting on their bed. He perched on the edge and lifted the next envelope out of the box, reverently running his fingers over Andy's handwriting.

Desperately needing the connection with her he slipped the letter out of the envelope and began to read.

Dear Sam,

I don't know when I realised that I loved you; it sort of snuck up on me. It caught me off guard, you caught me off guard. For years I thought I'd perfected keeping people out of my heart because if I let them in they had the power to hurt me. My Mom shattered my life, abandoning me, leaving me behind without saying goodbye. Then my Dad abandoned me to find comfort in the bottom of a bottle. As I watched him drink his life away, drink my life away, I made a promise that I would never let anyone hurt me like that again. The only way to protect myself was to keep everyone at a safe distance…

So I picked the wrong men, knowing that I'd never let them in enough to hurt me. That I could walk away at anytime and keep my heart protected. Then I thought I was grown up enough to handle the safe option – Luke. Well you know how that turned out! I thought he was the decent guy, the right one, who'd never hurt me, because he was supposedly predictable. He had everything mapped out, his career, what he wanted out of life and I thought that he'd stick to that plan and I'd just fit in. Know where I stood and live in the safety of that plan. But along the line I realised that safe was not what I wanted or needed, I needed more out of life and I guess he did too, because he found Jo.

But I'm pleased that he did, because that made me think about what I wanted and who was there for me.

I think that was the turning point in my life, when I realised that I was ready. Ready for what had been staring me in the face for two years, taunting me, teasing me and pointing out all of my flaws, but always had my back. I was ready to trust you with more than my life. I was ready to trust you with my heart.

Just when I get to that point, what do you go and do? You leave me! My greatest fear, but I survived, praying that you would come back to me. Praying that I would get the chance to tell you how I felt, how that I wanted to risk my heart, to finally risk everything for you. Then I got the opportunity with Traci and I couldn't believe it when I saw you sitting in that bar. It took all my self control to try and hold everything together. I couldn't blow another one of your undercover operations.

Managing not to blow my cover led to one of the best nights of my life and quite a few more with J.D. The choice we made in that moment also led to one of the most awful times of my life. When I thought I'd lost you. When I thought I'd gotten you killed. I couldn't believe that I'd been so stupid to risk your life, put you in danger. I should have walked away, stayed away after that night, but once I'd let myself be with you, there was never a chance I could walk away from you. You completed me.

Sitting in that car with Pete, knowing that you were in that house in God knows what state felt like an eternity. My stomach was churning, my heart pounding in my chest praying that I would see you walk out of that building.

Then you did and my world righted itself. I wanted to throw myself into your arms, to check every inch of you, to touch you. But I couldn't. That was one of the hardest moments in my life. Standing there, looking at you, but not being able to touch you.

I remember your eyes the way they met mine, you reassured me that you were okay with that look, that everything would be okay, but I didn't know if I could believe you. I messed up and I was willing to take any punishment I was given because it was worth it since I'd put you at risk. I'd been selfish.

Frank's speech in his office reiterated everything I'd been feeling; compromising the operation, putting your life at risk, my own as well. At the time I'd never really considered what we were risking, because it felt so right. But looking back we were lucky you made it, because I know I couldn't live without you.

When I walked out of the Division that night, wrapped up in my coat against the cold winter's chill, I was ready to go home and drown my sorrows in ice-cream, not pistachio, but double choc chip! But then you pulled up beside me and told me that you'd been suspended too. I couldn't help but look at you as you talked to me, reassuring myself that you were okay, that you would be okay. That maybe one day you'd forgive me for being so stupid. But then you asked me if I wanted to try to be normal with you and that's when I knew you'd forgiven me. The problem was; what was normal for us? We had plenty of fun finding that out, didn't we?

That night was the beginning of something that I'd only ever dreamed about as a child. That chance at having the happily ever after, well it might not be like the fairy tales that I read Lily, but we got our chance and for that I'm more than grateful. We make a pretty good team, but we also have some pretty spectacular disagreements, but the making up part is always fun!

You gave me something that I thought I'd never have after my Mom left; you gave me a family again.

Thank you, Sam, you showed me what being loved is really like and I hope I show you how much I love you too.

Love always,

Andy.

Sam looked at the letter the words blurring as his eyes watered, he rubbed angrily at them with his fingers, he was angry with her, angry that she had abandoned him, abandoned Lily. Why wasn't she fighting harder to come back to them? He was still struggling with the fact that she was lying in a hospital bed, connected to machines, in a coma and maybe she would never wake up. Her bruises were beginning to fade and she looked more like Andy, fast asleep, her face peaceful in slumber. But she wasn't asleep; if she was asleep the tender kisses he placed on her forehead would cause her to stir. The sound of Lily's pleas would wake her instantly, but as he sat there every day by her bed, all he could do was talk to her and pray that she would hear him and fight to come back to him.

He didn't know how much longer he could hold everything together. Their friends had been there every step of the way, helping with Lily, collecting groceries, sitting with Andy when he couldn't. Tommy and Sarah had been there for them too. But he didn't want his friends or family, he wanted Andy. It was as if he was missing something, a part of himself that he couldn't live without. He was missing her.

He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands, in the month since Andy was hurt he'd shed more tears than he had in his entire lifetime. Tears for Andy; tears for himself and tears for Lily. He hoped that Lily wouldn't have to live without her mother, because that was something Andy would hate.

"Andy," he said quietly to the room, his voice cracked with emotion.

He rubbed his eyes with his fists before plucking another envelope from the box, suddenly realising he'd found a treasure that he hadn't even known had existed before that night. He'd found a way of seeing into Andy's thoughts in a way he'd never been privileged to before. He knew that she would understand; that he needed this now, needed to feel that he was connected to her.

Quickly he pulled the next letter from the envelope and hungrily began to read her thoughts.

Dear Sam,

Normal! What a joke! Ordinary or usual! Us, no way! I don't think we will ever be normal in the true sense of the word, but we did find our own normal. Normal for us is long heated looks across a room, arguments that probably sound horrific to outsiders and long loaded silences before we make up. I don't think I've ever told you how much I enjoy making up.

Looking back I think Lily is the result of us making up after I stupidly acted without thinking at work and ended up being held hostage. When I finally got out of that room, my hair matted in the cut on my forehead, the look you gave me was more intense than I'd ever seen before. It made my stomach churn with a mixture of fear and love and my heart pounded in my chest.

I couldn't meet your gaze, choosing instead to look at the floor as Oliver led me away from you to the waiting ambulance. I didn't have the strength to argue about going to the hospital, I didn't want you to be any more disappointed in me than you already were. I'd acted foolishly and we'd both paid the price.

I can't bear to think of what I put you through that day. Although I think I can imagine, Traci and Oliver certainly alluded to how you were when I was in that room with him when they talked to me later. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you through the agony of watching, waiting and praying. All I can do is promise to try and avoid situations like that again.

When I got to the hospital and the doctor checked me over and announced that I wasn't too worse for wear, your face washed with relief briefly before being replaced with the look that would have caused me to wither if I'd been a rookie. But being your wife, I knew what it meant. It meant that you were angry with me, angry because you loved me and I'd put what we had at risk. It's a look I don't ever want to see on your face again, because it broke my heart.

After I was released from the hospital, I sat next to you in the truck and you didn't say a word to me. The atmosphere in that cab was so thick; it could almost have been cut with a knife. You glanced at me occasionally but you refused to meet my gaze. I knew that it wasn't the time to talk to you; I would have to wait you out. Wait for you to calm down. Do you know when you're cross with me you rub the bridge of your nose with your fingers? Well that night, I'm sure you left two tiny marks on your nose where you kept rubbing it. I checked later that night, when you'd finally let me apologise to you. I tentatively ran my fingertips along your nose before following with my lips and I tried to kiss the pain away.

That night you held me tighter in your arms than ever before, it was almost as if you were afraid that I would disappear. I relished being in your arms that night, you showed me how much you loved me and I hoped I showed you too. I fell asleep snuggled in your embrace, my arms wrapped tightly around you, thanking God that I'd been able to come back to you, you were the reason I never had nightmares about that day. You made me feel safe, loved and lucky to be alive.

I love you, Sam and Lily is lucky to have you as a father.

Love always,

Andy.

Sam remembered the day Andy had been held hostage by Jack Thompson as clear as it was yesterday. He'd arrived as one of several cruisers who'd replied to Oliver's call for assistance. Sam's heart had pounded in his chest as he'd parked the cruiser outside the building. He'd virtually jumped out of the car before it had fully stopped and hurried towards Oliver, who held his hands out, literally stopping him in his tracks.

The look on Oliver's face had caused his stomach to churn and his heart to thunder in his chest. He'd asked Oliver where Andy was.

Oliver had glanced over his shoulder, before saying quietly, "She's in there. He took her before I could stop him."

If it had been anyone else other than Oliver, Sam probably would have lashed out without thinking. But he knew that Oliver would have tried to protect Andy, he trusted him with her. He had every shift since he'd married her. It hadn't been Oliver's fault and although he'd been angry with her at the time, when he'd held her in his arms that night, he realised that she'd just been doing her job. Maybe she hadn't made the best decision in the heat of the moment, but she had survived and come back to him. For that he'd instantly forgiven her.

That had been nearly three years earlier. She'd managed to keep out of harms way for nearly three years. Then her luck had run out, their luck had run out.

The sound of the phone ringing cut through the silence. He quickly reached out and plucked it up from the bedside table at the same time pressing the call answer button, "Hello?" he asked quietly.

"Mr. Swarek?" A woman's voice asked.

"Yes, this is Mr. Swarek."

"I'm calling from the hospital," she stated.

Sam's stomach constricted, "Andy?"

Please let me know what you think. Have a great day ~ Sairs