Blue

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles do not belong to me. No infringement intended and no profit will be made from their use.

A/N: First some venting. I watch R&I for two reasons, the flirting/subtext and Sasha Alexander, who somehow manages to get more beautiful everyday. Otherwise, this kind of crime of the week show really isn't my thing. For me, it's hard to care about the cases that much because I know they're just going to solve it by the end of the hour. In general I prefer serialized dramas. And when I watch R&I I want it to be so much darker than it is. It could be, they have a good cast and the show is on cable, so they could take it to another level, instead of being so superficial. Jane shot herself, for christ's sake, and that's already been resolved with no real fallout. Then the Brown Eyed Girl episode really pushed me over the edge. It could have been dark but instead it was maudlin. Imagine if they hadn't found the girl, or been too late, and Jane had to deal with the emotional repercussions of that. That's the show I want to watch.

This story is my attempt to tap into the darkness. I don't know how it's going to go.

It was only early November but it was already cool, almost cold, and the trees were bare. Jane stood in jeans, a sweater, and an old brown Carhartt jacket that had belonged to her brother Tommy before he grew shoulders and before he went to prison. She wore a knit hat and could have used some gloves too, but she couldn't find them and couldn't remember where she put them last spring. She was at the Boston Police Department shooting range on Moon Island in Boston Harbor.

Jane looked at the gun in her hands. It was a brand new Glock 23, just a little smaller than her previous Glock 22, adopted by BPD for non-uniformed personnel because it could be concealed a little easier. Although Jane had not been cleared to return to duty and was still going through rehab, she had been issued a new service weapon so she could keep up her skills at the shooting range. But she was pretty sure it was breaking policy to give her a gun before reinstatement.

Jane sensed a certain amount of rule bending was going on to make sure Jane was happy. It was a lot better for BPD to focus on the hero cop rather than the dirty one that had helped take over police headquarters. But they had to make sure Jane would play her part and go along with the hero part. Jane's old gun was locked in evidence. Marino had taken it out of her desk, had threatened her with it, and it was the gun she had shot herself and Marino with. Jane still wasn't entirely sure if the detectives assigned to investigate the shootings at headquarters had intentionally ignored that fact or if the shooting was such a clusterfuck that it got overlooked.

No one had asked her how Marino had come to have possession of her service weapon. It wouldn't be good press if the hero cop was put under investigation for negligence. Jane had not forgotten though. Twice in a span of two months she had almost been killed with her own weapon. Twice she had put her weapon down and failed to properly secure it and both times she endangered herself and others. First Frankie and then Maura and Frankie.

"Your problem is you think with your heart." Hoyt had said to her. He was right. She was too trusting. Examining the events of the past few months, the only possible conclusion was that Jane was a danger to herself and others. But the BPD had put a gun back in her hands and said get better soon. Jane had the best clearance rate in the city, of course they wanted her back. So Jane would do her rehab and go to the designated psychologist and say the right things so she would be cleared for active duty.

A rational person would consider quitting and finding a job that didn't involve guns and serial killers. The thought passed through Jane's mind but everyone knew there was no chance Jane would quit. She was still going to do her job and catch the bad guys. What the fuck else was she going to do? But Jane wasn't the same person anymore. She was done caring. Caring is what got people around her hurt. Caring was dangerous.

Jane lifted the gun, feeling the strain in her abdomen. It still hurt, but Jane liked the pain. It was a reminder of her recklessness. She looked down the barrel of the gun and lined up the sights, aiming at the target fifty yards away, and pulled the trigger five times.

Jane lowered the gun. She was a little rusty but it felt good to shoot. She holstered the gun and then ran through a few training exercises involving unholstering the weapon and firing from different angles. When Jane was finished she was breathing hard, her hot breath visible in the cold air, and there was an ache in her side, the good kind of ache that came from being able to finally be active. She packed up her stuff and walked slowly to her car. Sinking into the drivers seat she considered where to go next. In the fallout from Jane getting shot and Frankie nearly dying, Jane's parents had split up. My fault, Jane thought. Her mother was staying in Maura's guesthouse, which Jane considered to be a good thing. Maura could be the daughter her mother had always wanted. And Jane knew that Angela would take care of Maura.

But Jane found it hard to go visit her mother there because she didn't want to risk seeing Maura or having to explain to her mother why suddenly she and Maura weren't talking. Maura had been by her side nearly continuously in the hospital, but once Jane was released, Maura withdrew. Jane understood why. She had demanded that Maura save Frankie, something one friend should never have to do for another. They were almost killed by Marino's co-conspirators and then Maura watched Jane shoot herself and was the first person at her side as she bled onto the sidewalk.

It was better this way anyway, Jane told herself. Maura had been put in danger partly because of Jane's actions. Jane would not allow that to happen again. So while before the shooting Jane would have gone to Maura's house to check on her, now Jane left her alone. Because Maura was the only person that could possibly break down the new walls Jane had erected. As long as Maura stayed away they were both safe. And Maura making the choice to pull away made it even easier.

Jo Friday greeted her at the door and Jane took a moment to give her dog tummy rubs and then food. Jane sat down on the couch and turned on the tv. But she was too restless to relax on the couch. Fuck it, I'm going out, Jane thought. She was off her pain medications and hadn't had a drink yet. And frankly she was horny. It had been way too fucking long since she'd had sex. One consequence of having nothing to distract her during her recovery was a seriously overactive sex drive.

Jane grabbed her jacket and went back out to her car. Once again she pondered where to go. Another consequence of the shooting was the Jane was no longer willing to pretend or deny to herself that she wasn't interested in women. She'd done that her entire adult life and it hadn't gotten her anywhere. Life was too short, blah, blah, blah. But mostly Jane didn't give a fuck what people thought anymore. She was attracted to men, at least enough to figure she could find a guy she liked enough to settle down with. If she had ever had any real interest in that it was gone now. Settle down with Jane Rizzoli, what a joke. So there was no point in pretending anymore.

Jane knew what bars and clubs to go to. She even gone as far as driving over to one a few years ago, but chickened out before going inside. Jane drove across the Charles River into Cambridge and continued to Somerville. There was a bar she knew that had a mix of customers but primarily catered to lesbians. Jane parked outside and sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. Jane wasn't unaware of her attractiveness but she wasn't very comfortable with it. Perhaps because she didn't want to acknowledge female attraction and wasn't that interested in the male attraction, Jane tried to hide or downplay her physical attributes. Not like Maura, who knew just how to accentuate all the ways in which she's gorgeous and chose to do that.

Jane looked around the bar and then focused intently on her beer in front of her. Fuck, I'm not ready for this. What the fuck was I thinking? Jane's thoughts were interrupted by someone at her elbow. Jane involuntarily flinched before looking at the young woman with curly brown hair at her side.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's okay. It was my fault. I was deep in thought I guess," Jane responded.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Uh," Jane laughed nervously, "I guess I was wondering what the hell I was doing here. And now I'm wondering why I told you that."

"It's okay. I recognized you, you know, from the newspaper. You're the hero cop, right? Detective Rizzo or something?"

"Rizzoli, uh, Jane Rizzoli. And the hero thing is what the newspaper said, not me."

"I don't remember the newspaper saying anything about you being gay."

Jane looked at her. She was maybe 5'5", petite, pretty, and, Jane thought, young. When did people in their 20s start seeming young to me? "That's because I'm not. Or maybe I am, I don't know. I...I don't really know," Jane sighed.

The woman placed a napkin on the bar in front of Jane and said, "Well, if you decide, give me a call."

As the woman started to walk away Jane called after her, "Uh, wait a second. I um, god this sounds stupid, but I'm not looking for a relationship or anything serious."

"Who said I was?" she said and walked away.

Jane downed the rest of her beer and quickly left the bar. Back in her car she rested her head on her steering wheel. That could have gone worse, I guess. Jane looked down at the napkin that she was still clutching in her right hand. It said Sara Morales followed by a phone number. Jesus, Rizzoli, a woman hit on you. Next time nut up and take her home. That's the whole point of going out. Jane put the napkin in her glove compartment and drove home.

Next chapter will be Maura's POV