Shades Of Self Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Ben 10, but this plot belongs to me!

Here we are! This chapter is one I've been dying to share for ages! This story is the most extensively planned of all of my stories. I have all of the major plot points planned, and have for a while, although I occasionally add one if it pops into my head. The planning also includes a lot of secrets which you all may have guessed at, but which weren't revealed until now. There will be more secrets and revelations to come, but here is the first big chunk, along with some of my favourite scenes to write.

Song choice for this chapter is "It's Been A While" by Staind.

Please let me know what you think and see you all after the ride!

Warning:

Mentions of self-harm.

Mentions of suicide.

Character death.

"No matter what trap you find yourself in, there will always be a way out, though it will not always be a way you would like."

From Temptations A qrak holy book.

Four Years Ago

As Ben neared Vilgax's rooms his steps slowed. He had already been moving slowly, admiring the sconces on the walls and peering interestedly into any open doors he passed, but now his pace practically halted. He was at the entrance to the long, ornate hall that led to Vilgax's door, the soft purple and red light still playing over the walls. He wondered distantly whether the braziers were always burning, and whether servants had to come and restock them with fuel eventually.

He sighed softly, raising one hand to tug absently at his collar. What was he doing here? This couldn't lead to anything good. He shouldn't continue. He had had a break from his room. He could turn around now and go back, and Vilgax might never even know he had been here.

That was what he should do, but he knew he wasn't going to do it; he couldn't. Just the thought of returning to his room gave him a sick feeling in his stomach. There was so much night left, and he didn't want to spend it there, tossing and turning and chasing sleep. He needed to sleep. His eyes were burning and his head was heavy with exhaustion, but what was the point of trying to sleep when he knew it wasn't going to happen? He didn't want to go back there. He didn't particularly want to be here either if he was honest, but it was his only other choice. Just the fact that he had a choice about being here at all made the option more attractive. He had been deprived of agency in much the same way he had been deprived of the omnitrix, and it hurt just as much.

Ben started walking down the hall, practically inching his way along. He traced the raised carvings with his fingers as he went, admiring the intricate curls of stone. He was halfway there when he noticed that Vilgax's door was agar. A pale light was shining inside, not as bright as the lights in the hall, but steady. It did not flicker the way the fire basins did. The sight made him stop again. Was Vilgax waiting for him? Had the alien known he would come? Ben's heart was pounding in his ears. He walked the rest of the way as softly as he could, eyes on the slit in the door. When he finally reached it he hesitated again, one hand outstretched. This was a terrible idea. He was doing exactly what his captor wanted. It wasn't too late. He could still go back; still pretend he had never been here. Vilgax hadn't seen him yet.

Slowly, Ben reached out with one hand and pushed the door open partway. The inside was just as he remembered, though there seemed to be less mist in the air. Vilgax was inside. He was seated at the green stone desk and some kind of floating, oblong screen was open in front of him, displaying text in some alien language. The large window behind him showed a moonlit pond. It seemed to be raining outside and the water droplets collected and ran gently down the invisible wall.

When Ben opened the door, Vilgax turned slightly and his tentacles gave a gentle ripple, red eyes scanning the human, then he turned away again, back to the screen. Ben hesitated, uncertain. After a moment, he pushed the door open a little more and took a few cautious steps inside. Vilgax was aware of him, and had probably been waiting for him, but at least he seemed willing to leave Ben alone for now, and being here was still preferable to heading back to his room.

Ben paused again once he was completely inside, eyes on the alien for any sudden movements. Vilgax seemed to be completely focused on reading his screen, no longer glancing his way, and Ben mused idly how nice it would be to have something to read. It wasn't an activity he usually enjoyed, but it would have been a nice distraction right now. His eyes slipped over to the window, following the raindrops as they trickled down the outside.

A few minutes passed like this in silence. Ben stayed just inside the door, his gaze alternating between the rain falling outside the window and Vilgax at his desk. The atmosphere was strangely soothing, the air slightly misty, but not enough to make him feel wet, and Ben was so so tired. His eyelids felt like they had lead weights attached to them and his head was fuzzy. Yet he was still suffering from that awful restlessness, and he knew that if he were to go back to his room and try to sleep he would still be unable to. He was so sick of that room. He stifled a yawn and stole another glance at his captor, still reading.

He tried to go back to watching the rain, but he found his eyes drawn once again to the omnitrix. It glowed its usual gentle green; the colour that meant he could activate it whenever he wanted, except he wasn't allowed to. It was maddening, like an itch he couldn't scratch that got more and more distracting the more he tried to ignore it.

What am I going to do tomorrow? The thought was unbidden, but now it was there and he had to address was he going to face another day hardly touching the watch, followed by another night with no sleep? And how long after that? He already felt exhausted and jittery. He hadn't felt this tired since the hypnotism incident, and at least while that was going on his body had been willing to let him sleep, even if Gwen and Grandpa kept waking him up. He felt so alone suddenly. It was so hard being the only one here.

Ben glanced up at Vilgax again.

He wondered if Vilgax would let him change if he asked. He knew Ben wasn't able to sleep, and he did seem to want Ben to be healthy, even though his reasons were unpleasant to think about. Ben bit his lip, gaze darting back to the window. He didn't want to ask for anything from Vilgax; didn't want to give away to the monster how much he needed this, even if Vilgax probably already knew, but the desire to change was so strong. Even standing was getting difficult now. He shifted restlessly from foot to foot. Pacing would help for a few minutes, but he wasn't going to do that here while his captor was watching. Ben clasped his hands behind his back to keep from fiddling. He dug the nails of one hand sharply into the skin of his other arm, the flash of pain breaking through his thoughts. It was almost a relief from the chaos, but he felt a twinge of guilt as well. He knew it wasn't good to do that to himself.

He should leave now, before he did something stupid. He knew he should. He glanced over at the door, still open behind him, but he didn't make a move toward it. He should leave, but…

"Hey." Ben's voice was quiet, perhaps because a large part of him didn't want to be heard, but Vilgax heard him anyway. The alien turned, much as he had when Ben had first entered, but this time he did not turn away. He studied Ben, waiting. "Hey," Ben repeated hoarsely, dropping his gaze so that he didn't have to meet the glowing red eyes. "Vilgax, I need to use the omnitrix." He paused, then "Please," he added softly, hating the word as it left his lips.

Vilgax was quiet for a moment and Ben could feel him thinking. When he spoke it was soft as well, like a rumble of distant thunder.

"Tell me Ben, who am I?"

Ben looked up, confused. "What…" he moistened suddenly dry lips with his tongue. "What do you mean?" Vilgax leaned forward slightly, and Ben tensed, but didn't move back.

"I told you Ben, you belong to me now, and that makes me your Master. If you want something, you need to address me properly."

Ben paled, suddenly understanding and wishing desperately that he didn't. He stared at Vilgax in what could only be described as horror, because this was it, wasn't it? Vilgax had just told him what he needed to do if he wanted to use the omnitrix, and he couldn't do that; he couldn't. He wasn't going to entertain this role Vilgax was forcing him into. Tongue-tied, he shook his head helplessly. Vilgax's tentacles quivered slightly, and Ben flinched, but the alien merely flicked a tentacle to the side dismissively than turned away again, back to his screen.

Ben swallowed thickly. Tears formed in his eyes and he closed them, breathing slowly and deeply, trying to override the panic he was feeling. He backed slowly until he found one of the red stone walls, than sat, back against the cool stone. His heart felt like it was beating too quickly, and his breaths were fast and shallow. He wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his head on top.

He wouldn't do it. The idea was repulsive and he felt himself shrink from the very thought, but now that he knew what he had to do to change the need was even stronger. It was like a starving man staring at a plate of food. Maybe he should leave, but he just couldn't bring himself to, not with what he needed so close.

Miserably he shifted to look out of the window again, cheek pressing against his knees. At least he could still watch the rain. He didn't look at the omnitrix, but it was still there in his thoughts. He saw it more clearly than the view through the window, even though it seemed farther away.

Ben thought it had been about an hour. It was hard to tell with how the time was dragging. He sat there in a cloud of exhausted misery. At least the window meant he would know when morning came. He could barely keep his head up, but every time he nodded his eyes snapped open, even though they burned. He turned his head blearily to look at Vilgax. The alien still appeared to be reading, and seemed content to stay there for all eternity. Didn't Vilgax sleep? Ben didn't really know.

He rubbed his scratchy eyes and sat up straighter, crossing his legs. He had shifted his position several times but was still in roughly the same area, against the wall. After a minute he grew tired of the position he was in and pulled himself up until he was standing again, one hand braced against the wall. Was his heart beating faster again, or was it his imagination? He looked over at Vilgax, staring this time, almost willing the alien to turn around. Tears were forming in his eyes again and he blinked them away angrily, only to have more form almost immediately. It's from being so tired, he told himself, and that was certainly at least partly true.

Ben bit his lip until it hurt, eyes still on his captor. It was almost funny how much he had wondered about why he was here and what Vilgax wanted with him, and now that he knew Ben thought he would rather it had remained a mystery. Vilgax gave no sign he was aware of the scrutiny, but he was probably keeping an eye on Ben, waiting for him to give in. Ben was practically waiting for that too. Several times he had even opened his mouth to speak, but the words had been aborted. The omnitrix was all he could think about, and it was getting harder and harder to keep his silence. Vilgax probably didn't care if he gave in tonight. He could wait as long as he wanted. Ben was the one who was trapped inside his own skin.

Would it be so awful to say it, just this once? It was just a word, wasn't it? But of course it wasn't, and both he and Vilgax knew it.

Ben took a couple of steps forward slowly, agonizingly. His arms felt chilled, the tiny hairs on them standing on end, and he rubbed them awkwardly. He opened his mouth and shut it again. He wouldn't, couldn't say it.

Just once.

"M-master?" It was quiet; almost a whisper, and he clenched his hands as he said it, almost as though he were trying to stop himself from speaking, but it was out, and Vilgax heard it. He couldn't meet the alien's eyes and his gaze stayed glued to the floor. His cheeks burned with humiliation, and self loathing washed over him like a dark wave. He wished he could take the word back, but he still waited to see if it would be enough for Vilgax to allow him to change. He couldn't force any more words out, but Vilgax already knew what he wanted to ask.

"Very well," Vilgax said after a heart-stopping pause. "You may change for as long as you need to, but you must remain here until you are finished." At his voice, Ben had started, and it took a second to register the words. Then the green light flashed, and Ben was heatblast. He stood for a moment, letting the tiny water drops sizzle against his flames and relishing the change, and then flashed into cannonbolt, followed by fourarms and wildmut. He finished as upgrade, feeling slightly breathless from the rapid shifts to his body, and melted into an undulating puddle on the floor. Truly he was too tired to want to do too much right now, even as his aliens. It just felt wonderful to change, and the relief almost blocked out the darkness at the back of his mind that reproached him for giving in too easily; that asked what he had done, and what he was going to do now.

He stayed like that for a long time, shifting between aliens every little while, not doing anything in particular, just enjoying the feeling of being other beings. He had been avoiding looking Vilgax's way, but he could feel the alien's eyes on him. He wasn't sure how long his stayed in his alien forms, although it must have been significantly longer than he had ever been able to use the omnitrix for before.

Finally, when he felt like he could no longer keep his eyes open, Ben flickered back into himself with a final flash of green. He stood up and immediately stumbled as a wave of exhaustion hit.

Vilgax had definitely been watching, because he stood as the boy swayed, then walked over to Ben's side of the room. Ben looked up blearily as he approached and felt a flash of trepidation. He backed up, but found himself against the wall with nowhere to go.

One hand reached out slowly, and Ben put his arms up defensively in front of him.

"Stay away," he said, but it came out in a whisper, and there was no force behind it.

"No," the alien answered. He brushed Ben's arms aside like cobwebs, than lifted the boy up with both hands. Ben struggled for a moment as he was picked up, twisting and jerking against the alien's grasp. Then his struggles faltered, and suddenly he was crying. The tears spilled out and ran down his face in hot, painful streams. He couldn't stop them. His breaths were coming in helpless gasps now, and he covered his face with his hands, trying to keep his sobs quiet. He felt himself being carried, than the jolt which was Vilgax sitting down. Something touched his head, and Ben flinched as the alien started stroking his hair, but didn't fight it. There was an awful pain in his chest as though it contained all of the tears in the world, and no matter how long he cried it would never be enough.

Gradually Ben's tears lessened as exhaustion overtook his mind and his awareness faded. There was no conscious thought, but the shame of what he had done lingered and followed him down into the darkness.

Vilgax glanced down. The small head had fallen to the side and was resting against a curve in his armour. Ben's eyes were closed and his breathing was deep and slow. His hands had fallen to his sides, and the tracks of his tears stood out on his cheeks, but his face had softened in repose. Vilgax remained still, not wanting to wake the boy, not wanting to move until his sleep had deepened.

He fell asleep. On me.

It was amusing, yet puzzling given Ben's hatred and fear of him. Why had he fallen asleep so easily in his presence? He studied the boy's face, noting the dark shadows under the gently closed eyes. He knew the human was not sleeping well, but he looked as though he was barely sleeping at all. The power the omnitrix had over Ben was surprising. Being forcibly deprived of it appeared to be physically harming him. Vilgax had not expected Ben to fulfill his 'condition' this evening. He had assumed that he would need to wait another day or two before the strain had forced him to give in. Ben must have been keeping the agony to himself. Perhaps Vilgax should have been monitoring the cameras in the boy's room more closely.

Vilgax didn't really know why he had picked the boy up after he had changed back; only that he had wanted to, and so he had. He had expected resistance, but he had been surprised when Ben broke down. He had only seen Ben cry once before, and both times it had been hard to listen to, even though it meant his plan was working. Vilgax's tentacles rippled in a sigh. At least Ben seemed to be getting used to being held. He had hardly struggled at all this time, although that could have also had to do with his exhaustion.

Unable to help it, Vilgaz found himself reaching down, slowly tracing one claw along the sleeping boy's hairline. Ben did not stir, and Vilgax moved the hand to run his claws through the dark brown hair.

You caused me so much trouble.

He thought back to his attempt to take the omnitrix, when Tennyson's intervention and Ben's surprising resourcefulness had resulted in his own humiliating defeat.

In the aftermath his escape pod had landed roughly in a nearby forest and he had clawed his way out of the small craft to behold the smoking wreck that was once his flagship. A spare number of crew had survived, shaken and singed, cowering from their warlord's wrath as he fumed that a child – a human child – had done this. Trisaara had emerged last from her pod, finding it difficult to squeeze her abdomen around the torn tree trunks. She waited for him to calm down, and then she took him aside and showed him what she had recovered from the ship's computers, and the remaining crew scattered.

Vilgax's tentacles had hung dangerously still as he read the contents of the data pad, the results of his analysis on his former prisoner. He couldn't believe it at first, and then his tentacles twisted with fury. Azmuth. Azmuth had done this, he was sure. The old Galen was astronomically brilliant, brilliant even when compared to others of his species, but he was stubborn as a black hole, and what Vilgax wanted the omnitrix for was the antitheses of everything Asmuth believed in. This stunt of his could have cost the warlord everything if he had succeeded in detaching the omnitrix from its host, and once Vilgax's rage had subsided, and his mind had started working again, he realized that he would have to leave the boy alone for now, much as it galled him. He needed Asmuth to fix this mess, and he would, Vilgax would make sure of it.

Reluctantly, the warlord had left the Earth and its irritating occupant alone for a while, leaving only a few spies to keep him informed, and gone in pursuit of the Galen scientist. Once this problem had been fixed, he resolved to make Tennyson's grandson suffer for this humiliation.

It was hard to connect that memory with the sleeping human in his lap, and Vilgax found he no longer wanted to. Ben was his now. He had been the only valuable thing on that miserable planet, and now the boy was his. With every day that passed Ben belonged to him more. Vilgax gently stroked the sleeping boy's hair again, enjoying the softness. Now that he had no animosity towards the child, it was easy to see how young he really was, and easier to worry about his well being, and it was growing harder to cause him pain. The child's disobedience still irritated him, but he would be patient. It would not last.

He had tracked down Asmuth. The Galen was elusive, but Vilgax was determined, and eventually he had been caught, hiding out in the once magnificent ruins on a barren world. Vilgax approached the first interrogation with his prisoner with a smug self-satisfaction. Asmuth was restrained, bound to a wall and looking absurdly tiny. He showed the Galen the scans he had taken of Ben and the omnitrix, and demanded to know how Asmuth had caused this and how it could be fixed. He had expected defiance, fear or even anger from the scientist in response. What he had not expected was laughter.

Asmuth laughed heartily, small sides shaking with mirth. Then, at Vilgax's growl, he sobered somewhat, although he still seemed amused.

"I don't know what caused the omnitrix to bond so thoroughly with its host. It certainly wasn't my intention. If I were to posit a guess, I would say that it may have been because humans are one of the few species that were never entered into the omnitrix's database. Perhaps the omnitrix was attempting to acquire his D.N.A when they connected. Regardless, I doubt I would be able to separate them, other than the way you were attempting." He shrugged as well as he could from his bound position. "Unfortunate for you, I'm afraid." The Galen chuckled again, appearing completely at ease before Vilgax's anger. "There is only one omnitrix after all; a prototype, and there it will stay. It will never be yours."

"You are wrong, scientist." Vilgax's tentacles hung tensely, only the very tips twitching in his fury. "If you cannot undo the bond than you will build me another omnitrix, than as many more as I desire."

"Never." Asmuth's face had gone serious. He narrowed his large eyes and his face took on a cold stiffness. "The omnitrix is my greatest achievement for exploration and understanding between species'. I will not allow it to become a weapon of war."

"You will not have a choice," Vilgax informed him coldly. He turned to leave, to collect himself a little, but Asmuth had to have the final word.

"You will never possess the omnitrix Vilgax," he called as the cell door swung shut. "I will make sure of it!"

At the time, Vilgax had thought it was just an empty threat. He had heard enough of them over the years. Many beings had promised vengeance on him for their loved ones or their planets. Asmuth was trapped. He could not escape and eventually Vilgax would induce him into giving up his secrets. It was not ideal. He had hoped to gain control of the omnitrix itself rather than an uncooperative scientist, but he was resourceful, and he would manage. He took the evening considering ways to unlock Asmuth's stubborn mouth and did not let his prisoner's words worry him.

The next morning, Asmuth was dead.

When his servants informed him, Vilgax had been stunned for a moment, than he pushed past them and ran to the scientist's cell. Asmuth hung where he had last seen him, hands bound to the wall by his metal restraints. His head hung down limply over one shoulder, and he looked small and empty. He had taken his own life, as Vilgax soon discovered. Upon examination, Atron had found a small capsule which had been hidden in the hollow of one tooth. It contained a poison so strong it had eaten away at Asmuth's mouth and throat when he bit into it. His death had been quick.

Vilgax had had trouble believing it at first. Suicide was practically unknown on Xentrex, and Vilgax could not understand why Asmuth would give his life for his creation, for a piece of machinery. It seemed nonsensical, but it had happened.

And it was almost the old Galen's victory. Asmuth's mind was unique. No one would be able to recreate what he had done, not without taking the omnitrix apart and studying it, and that was impossible now.

He would never have his army.

He would never possess the omnitrix.

At least that was Asmuth's intention. Once Vilgax's rage had calmed he began to think about the omnitrix's human host. Ben Tennyson was so young and inexperienced, his fighting was raw and unpolished, but he was already powerful. He had shown incredible resourcefulness against the fighters Vilgax had sent, and against Vilgax himself. And he was unique; the only being in existence who would ever have access to the power of the omnitrix.

He thought again about the information which had caused him such aggravation and Asmuth such amusement. Something had happened when the omnitrix bonded with Ben's D.N.A. They were no longer separate entities, but part of the same life form and they needed each other, could no longer function apart, either of them. If, in his ignorance, he had succeeded in removing the omnitrix from the human child it would truly have been the end of all his plans. It would have killed them both.

Asmuth's final words echoed in his mind and his tentacles flexed as he rose to the old Galen's challenge. You will never possess the omnitrix, Asmuth had said.

"We will see about that."

Vilgax supposed he should still be angry that his first ambition had failed, but those feelings had faded. It was not the overwhelming power he had sought, but as he held Ben's sleeping form he found he no longer minded. He looked down at the small child, peacefully asleep and felt an unaccountable contentment.

The galaxy would be his. He would build his armies and advance through the systems. He would become the greatest warlord in Xentrex history, and the most powerful being in the galaxy would be by his side.

"Someday that is what you will be," he told the sleeping boy. The rain fell placidly outside the window, and Vilgax felt that his future had never been so near.

End of chapter.

Yay, flashback in a flashback!

It rains a lot on Crito-Ah, doesn't it? That's part of why Vilgax likes it so much; makes him think of home.

I really hope this chapter came out well. I've been waiting to share it for so long! Ben was so hard to write here. I hope his breakdown was realistic and that it didn't seem too rushed. I've really worked to do a gradual build up to this scene through the previous few chapters, so please let me know how I did. Ben's not quite down for the count, at least not yet. This was really just the first step. This chapter is a little longer than usual. I needed to fit everything in and I didn't want to defer the flashback scene again!

Also let me know how the flashback scene went. I've been dying for this reveal since the very start of this story, though I imagine some of you guessed where this was going. Sorry to anyone who's mad at me about Asmuth.

And I wonder how much reading Vilgax actually got done. ;)

Next update will probably be either for Loving You Behind Closed Doors, Anniversary, or another chapter for Shades Of Self.

See you next time!