A/N: Do you know those survey things people put up on Facebook in notes? Well I was scrolling through my news feed and this one came up. I read through it, and then one answer struck me as something Eames might say. So then I obviously had to write out an entire banter between the two. I've never tried something like this before, so let me know how I do, yeah?

Ariadne invites—but forces them, really—to answer a small 35 question survey because she is taking a bloody prob and stats class so why the fuck not (Eames' words, not Arthur's). The three of them sit around Arthur's desk in the warehouse with beers provided by Ariadne as retribution for their trouble.

Ariadne asks the questions, Arthur answers in bold, and Eames in italics. The results are as follows:

Can you answer 35 questions about one friend?
I wouldn't call us friends, per say—
Can it, Eames. Yes.

1) What's this person's name?
Arthur
Mr. Eames

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Say nothing—
Do I offend, darling?

3) Do you get along with this person all the time?
Hardly—
We're thick as thieves.

4) How old is the person?
A woman never reveals her age.
Eames, I swear—
You always swear, pet.

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?
God, no. Arthur's a disaster in the kitchen.
That's an exaggeration.
I suppose if I recall the grease fire incident, that's an exaggeration as well?
(Clears throat) Eames cooks, I don't.

6) Is this person older than you?
In spirit, by fifty years.
Mr. Eames, you're practically my grandfather.
Yet you still fuck me, you sick bastard.
Keep it clean, Eames.
Righ, sorry, Ari.

7) Have you ever kissed this person?
Do I have to answer this question?
Mmm, kiss, screw, it's all the same, isn't it, darling?

8) Are you related to this person?
I certainly hope not—
No.

9) Are you really close to him/her?
The bloke knows me like the back of his hand.
I probably know you better.
Arthur, you're making me blush.

10) Nicknames?
Artie, darling, love, pet, my little minx—
Stop while you're ahead.
Anything for you, my little minx.

11) Do they have a nickname for you?
None he'd say without blushing.
I resent that.

12) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
As little as possible.
Oh, you. Every day, like clockwork.

13) Could you live with this person?
I believe we already do.
No, you just spend all your time at my place—
And cook all your meals and park my car in your garage and get the bloody paper every morning. Arthur, we live together. So the question is, how do you live with me?
I guess I manage.

14) Why did you pick this person?
He's very dear to me.
My, ah, partner dragged me into this.

15) How long have you known this person?
Ages—
Five years next week.
You remember the exact date?
Well, of course I—mmph... Eames, can your affection not wait?

16) Have you ever been to the mall with this person?
He is incapable of dressing himself properly, so yes.
Armani is Arthur's second home. I assure you, we frequent the mall.
Only so you can flirt with the sales associate from Saks.
Oh, you.

17) If you ever moved away would you miss this person?
Er, yes, I suppose.
Arthur, if you ever move away I'll kill you.

18) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person?
I'd rather not incriminate myself—
Bugger, it's how we met.

19) Do you know everything about this person?
Of course.
Eames is a mysterious man.
Arthur knows everything about me. Background checks, you know.

20) Would you date this person's siblings?
Which of your sisters is single?
None.
Ah, well, there's your answer?
Are you implying you'd date one of my sisters—
Next question!

21) Have you ever made something with this person?
Love.
You entirely missed the point of that question.
What? We make love, don't we? Arthur likes it rough—
Eames.

22) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?
Not intentionally, but yes.
What? Why don't I recall this?
Never mind—
Arthur, I assure you, if we'd been swimming together naked, I'd remember it.
Just, next question, please.

23) Have you ever worn this person's clothes?
Ugh, never. It's like he only knows Goodwill.
Vintage, sweetheart, vintage.

24) Does this person wear your clothes?
He likes my sweatpants.
I don't wear sweatpants—
Arthur, would it kill you to be honest?

25) If it was "freaky friday" would you switch bodies with this person?
He does have a nice body...
Eames... No.

26) Have you ever heard this person sing?
In the shower. He's a Bernadette Peters fan. I still say Barbra's better—
You are so obviously wrong. Can't compare them anyway. And I don't sing in the shower...
Oh, darling, even the neighbors can hear you.

27) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?
Several times, but none too extreme. Except once.
You had a shiner for weeks.
Oh, shut it, you.

28) Have you ever been to the cinema with this person?
Arthur likes romantic comedies!
I do not.
Then I suppose Love Happens ended up on our Tivo by accident?
I like Jennifer Aniston, okay?
Did you ever have a wank over her?
Shut up, Eames.

29) Do you and this person have a saying?
Does 'Pass me the cream or I'll shoot you.' count?
Arthur isn't a morning person, so that statement is fairly accurate.

30) Do you know this person's facebook password?
We're a little old for Facebook, don't you agree?
My mum has a Facebook.
Christ.

31) Have you and this person gone clubbing?
Define clubbing.
Arthur likes gay bars.

32) Do you know how to make this person happy?
A good blowjob can make his entire day—
Christ, Eames, have you no tact?
None whatsoever.

33) Do you like this person?
I love him, and deep down, he loves me too.
I—I suppose that's true—mmph...
Sorry for all the smooching, Ari, I just can't help myself when he has these grand confessions.

34) Would you ever date this person?
Absolutely.
Maybe.

35) Could you live without this person?
No.
No.