Walk a Little Straighter
Tony walked into his apartment and threw his keys on the dining room table. Seeing his father again had brought back too many bad memories he had tried very hard to bury. He walked through his apartment, not bothering with the lights having memorized every inch of the small space by now.
Tony sighed as he dropped down onto his soft, black leather couch. He didn't turn the TV on, didn't do anything but stare at the wall on the other side of the room, letting the memories he'd ignored all day flood him now.
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Young Anthony DiNozzo Jr. looked up eagerly as his father walked in the house.
"Daddy, Daddy, look what I made at school today!" he shouted excitedly.
Senior patted his son on the head and walked right past him into his office where he would sit in his chair and mourn the death of his lovely wife, drinking bourbon, and eventually pass out.
Teresa, one of the many nannies young Tony had had for most of his life, knew this because it was the ritual every night.
It almost broke her heart to see the young, 8-year-old innocence shining in Tony's eyes as he wondered what could make his father angry with him.
I remember looking up And I'd say
To look up to him
And I remember most the time
He wasn't there
I'd be waiting at the door
When he got home at night
He'd pass me by to go to pass out in his chair
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
You're footsteps make me dizzy
And no matter how I try
I keep tripping and stumbling
If you'd look down here you'd see
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
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Tony sighed and rubbed a hand across his face, kicking his shoes off and propping them onto the coffee table. Normally when he got home, he'd put a pot of coffee on and drink a couple cups before going to bed.
But tonight, he needed something a little bit stronger. Tony reached over to the table beside the couch, groping blindly for the bottle of bourbon. He maliciously twisted the cap off, and took a swig straight from the bottle.
He sunk back into the leather upholstery, already feeling the familiar and welcome burning behind his eyes that signaled the bourbon was already having effect.
Normally, whenever they had a rough case, he would go out with Abby or McGee or even Ziva to the bar or clubs to wind down. But this case was different.
It wasn't hard in the aspect of death and destruction like other cases had been, that had ultimately drawn him to go out with his friends.
No, this time it had been hard because he had seen his father again. The man who most of his childhood acted like he didn't even realize he had a son.
Always giving him a different nanny every other month, marrying random women way too young for him, and not even paying attention to his son's life, by dropping him off in summer camps and boarding schools every chance he got was not the idea of father Tony had.
Tony smiled as he thought of the one person who would understand what he was going through, the one person who would make everything better.
Tony stood, bottle in hand, and groped for his keys he'd tossed on the table an hour ago.
An hour? Really? Wow, he must have been out of it.
Then he walked out the door and to his car, as another unpleasant memory overtook him.
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It was graduation day at Tony's boarding school and an excited 18 year old Tony looked anxiously around the gym for any sign of that familiar face. He saw Patricia waving enthusiastically at him, and couldn't help but smile.
She had been the constant maid in the DiNozzo household since the incident when Tony was only eight years old.
It still hurt sometimes to think about his mom, but the memories of her helped keep him going. If he didn't think about her, then it would seem unreal, like the happy DiNozzo family had never existed.
Then, Tony saw him. He saw the one man Tony wanted to be here with him.
Tony smiled waved at his dad, but he didn't even notice. Tony's bright smile faded slowly as he realized his father was drunk, again.
'He must have been thinking of Mom just as much as I have been lately.' Tony thought sadly.
Then the ceremony started, and Tony sat tapping his feet anxiously awaiting his turn.
"Barbara Lynn Connelly."
'Almost my turn.' He thought.
"Michael Louis Cordero."
'So close.' Tony kept eyeing his father, making sure he was watching.
"Jackson Robert Denver."
'Yes! I'm next.'
Suddenly there was a loud commotion, and Tony looked up in shock to see his father rushing out of the gym, screaming nonsense. Tony only caught one word, but it was enough to make his chest tighten painfully, and his heart constrict.
Marie. As in Marie DiNozzo. Tony's mother.
So Senior had been thinking about his mom today. Tony sighed and felt the tears spring to his eyes as he realized his father hadn't even made it long enough to see him, his own son.
He stumbled in the gym
On graduation day
And I couldn't help but feel
So ashamed
And I wasn't surprised a bit
When he didn't stay
He stumbled out before they called my name
'No!' Tony thought viciously, as he wiped the tears away.
'DiNozzo's don't cry!'
"Hey Tony!" Tony turned to see his friend, Brian, glancing worriedly between Tony and the door where his father had disappeared only moments before.
"Isn't that your dad?"
Tony didn't respond, but felt rather than saw, all eyes slowly shift toward him.
"Umm, well maybe we should continue the ceremony." The principal said. He took a double take when he saw the next name on the list.
"Umm, Anthony D. DiNozzo Jr.?"
Tony stood and walked over to collect the diploma. He met no one's eyes as he walked by his friends. He didn't want their sympathy or their pity; it would only make him feel worse.
Tony couldn't help but notice that, even though he was thankful that Patricia was trying her best to make him feel better with as loud applause as she could manage, his father's loud and firm applause that should be resounding around the gym wasn't there.
And Tony couldn't help the overwhelming sense of shame and disappointment that enveloped him.
And I thought
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're swaying side to side
It's not just me who's watching
you've caught everybody's eye
And you're tripping and stumbling
and even though I've turned 18
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're still leading me
Later, when Tony came home in his beat up truck, there was no apology from his father, no 'Congratulations, Son! I'm proud of you! You earned it.' Not that Tony really expected it.
What he didn't expect was his father silently handing him the acceptance letter to a military school he swore he never signed up for.
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Tony stood on the doorstep of that house, suddenly regretting his decision to come here.
Even though he'd come here many a night after a hard case, like he thought earlier, this case wasn't exactly hard, it was just different.
But before he could change his mind, he opened the door that was rarely locked, and was standing at the top of the stairs just watching him working on his boat.
"You gonna stand there all day, DiNozzo?" Came the gruff, yet affectionate voice of his boss.
Tony grinned and stood up from the step he had currently been sitting on.
"How'd ya know it was me, Boss? You didn't even look up."
"I know the sound of your footsteps DiNozzo after working with you for nearly ten years, and I could smell ya all the way down the stairs."
"Smell me?" Tony questioned, now standing next to Gibbs, genuinely curious as to what the older man meant.
Gibbs sighed and put his carving tool down, turning to give Tony a pointed look.
"Yeah, smell you. You always smell the same."
Tony raised an eyebrow, enjoying this game they were now playing.
"Oh. And what is it that I smell like?"
"Almond and Spice."
Tony blinked at the abrupt answer.
"Almond and Spice?"
Gibbs nodded in the affirmative and went back to his project.
"You know what? Now that I think about it, you always smell the same too."
Gibbs rose an eyebrow in curiosity, but otherwise didn't make any motion that he'd heard the younger man.
It was enough for Tony, as he grinned brightly and continued.
"Yep, you smell like…"
Tony tilted his head to the side, dramatically, like he was thinking about it.
"…..Sawdust, coffee, and Old Spice." Tony grinned brighter, if it was even possible.
Gibbs allowed a small smile at that, and Tony counted it as a win, as he sauntered over to him and sat down on one of the sawhorses.
That sat in companionable silence for a while before Gibbs broke the silence.
"So why'd you come down to see me, Tony?"
Gibbs was looking at Tony now. Just looking, but it unnerved Tony. Those ice blue eyes seemed to be staring right through him, right into his very soul.
"I was wondering if we could have a couple beers, cowboy style steaks. You know, a guy's night in."
Gibbs nodded, but kept scrutinizing him, as though he didn't fully believe him.
"Alright, I'll be up in a minute. Go make yourself comfortable."
As promised, Gibbs came up a few minutes later, and started cooking the steaks on the fireplace. He handed Tony a beer, and sat down beside him on the couch with his own.
"Right, now what did you wanna tell me?"
Tony feigned shock and look at Gibbs with wide, innocent eyes.
"Nothing' Boss. Cant a guy just hang out with his boss every once in a while?"
"Yeah, but that's not why you're here, DiNozzo. Now ya gonna tell me, or do I have to force you to?"
Gibbs fixed his best glare on him, making Tony cringe.
"He told me he loves me." Tony admitted, staring at the beer he was swirling around.
"Whatdya say?"
"Nothing. I said absolutely nothing and just stood there, shocked. I mean, I know he's trying to make it better, but he was never there for me before, ever, and how am I supposed to react now that he's trying to make it better? I mean wha-."
Gibbs put his hand up, effectively silencing Tony's ramblings.
"Tony," Gibbs voice was calm and it helped Tony calm a little too, "he's your father. He will always love you even if he didn't act like it before. But you don't have to change or do anything for him. So stop worrying."
Tony nodded, excepting that. They were quiet a little while longer, as each man took a swig or two of their beers, before Tony broke the silence this time.
"Boss?"
Gibbs looked over at Tony, and almost fell off the couch. The emerald green eyes, that normally hid every emotion going through that head so well, were now showing the pain. The raw, unbridled worry, fear, and pain.
"Yeah, Tony?"
"What." He stopped and took a deep breath. "What if…when I get married and have kids…what if I'm not a good dad? You know? I mean, what if I end up like my dad, and I'm not there for them? I don't want that but…I mean…."
Tony sighed and put his head in his hands. At first, Gibbs thought he had fallen asleep and was starting to get worried, but then to his utter surprise, he saw his shoulders shake with silent sobs.
Gibbs reached out a hand and rubbed it down his back to soothe him.
"Tony. You are nothing like your dad. You will be a great father."
Tony looked up at Gibbs, and Gibbs had to swallow past the lump that suddenly formed in his throat. Tony's eyes were red rimmed and swollen. Tears were still slowly falling down his cheeks.
"Ho…how….do you know that?" Tony's voice was thick and scratchy from the tears
"I just know. I just know, Tony."
Tony opened his mouth to ask something, but then closed it, deciding against it.
"What Tony? You know you can ask me anything." Gibbs narrowed his eyes, but his voice was surprisingly soft.
"Would you have trusted me with Kelly?" The words tumbled out before Tony could stop them, and then he couldn't take them back.
The air in the room was thick, and Tony was afraid he had crossed some invisible line he shouldn't have. He saw Gibbs visibly flinch at the words, and swallow, hard. Gibbs thought about not answering, about walking away and hiding away in his shell like he always did.
Then he answered.
"Yeah, Tony. I would have." He spoke softly and quietly. So quietly, Tony almost missed it. But then Tony broke out into a grin. It spread across his features, and lit up his face.
Gibbs knew then he had made the right decision in answering Tony.
Then Gibbs was pulling him into a hug, strong and protective in the way that only an
ex-marine could be. Tony melted into the hug, and tried not to fall apart, the feeling that his boss was literally holding him together. Tony snuggled himself into Gibbs arms and turned his face a little more into his neck, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he would be okay.
The old mans still like he always was Walk a little straighter daddy Yeah walk a little straighter daddy
But I love him anyway
If I've learned one thing from him
Its my kids will never have to say
You're swaying side to side
You're footsteps make me dizzy
And no matter how I try
I keep tripping and stumbling
if you'd look down here you'd see
Walk a little straighter daddy
You're leading me
You're leading me