And now... the fun part.

Dear Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your letter dated July fifth. Mr. Kirkland has asked me to send his regards and best wishes, and also to inform you that "You ended a sentence with a preposition, you git." He invites you to a lesson to relearn the Queen's English sometime later this month, perhaps following an aquaintance's party on Bastille Day.

Have a wonderful day,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Ms. Wattleby,

Thank you for replying to my letter for Arthur. Please tell him for me that he is a limey bastard and that I'll see him on Bastille Day. Please also print him out a copy of the letter you sent me and tell him to shove it up his ass.

Sincerely,

Alfred F. Jones

—

Alfred,

Please refrain from giving my P.A. such orders. She has wicked streak and she takes such invitations very seriously. I'll see you on Bastille Day.

Arthur

—

Arthur,

Did you even read my letter?

Al

—

Alfred,

Of course I did. We'll talk after Francis's party.

Arthur

—

Arthur,

You are an asshole.

Alfred

—

Dear Mr. Jones,

Mr. Kirkland has asked me to send you this box, labeled, aptly, with "How much I give a shit." Should you open it, you will find it empty. I know this because I suggested it to him.

Sincerely,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Arthur,

I'll meet you at the theater.

Al

—

Dearest Louise,

He gave him a ticket to the theater. Please inform Mr. Bonnefoy immediately, as per our agreement.

Love,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Mademoiselle Agnes,

When I see you, I shall present you with a bouquet of roses of deepest red; they shall signify my passion for you and all of the hard work you have done. Louise has already received a bottle of finest wine. Yours shall be delivered in person and with a loving kiss.

With deepest affection,

Francis Bonnefoy

—

Kiku,

They're finally getting together! Come over and spy with me.

Francis

—

Francis-san,

What kind of equipment should I bring?

Honda Kiku

—

Kiku,

my love, I know what that -san business is and I can assure you, we are closer than that. 3

There is no need to bring any equipment. I have had everything ready since the end of World War II.

Francis

—

Italy-chan,

Alfred-kun and Arthur-san are finally getting together! I am so excited, I just had to write to someone. I cannot focus on my game shows or making onigiri. Please be discreet with this information.

Honda Kiku

—

Lieb' Kiku,

While Feliciano is living at my house, it is inadvisable to send private mail to this address (electronic or otherwise) because Gilbert is very good at guessing passwords.

They took longer than Feliciano and I did. What dummkoepfen.

Ludwig

—

Lieb' diary,

US and UK are getting together! Makes me so happy to be alone. Who wants to hang out with them, anyway?

the awesome PRUSSIA

—

Kikuuuu!

How exciting! Are you going to go spy on them? Be sure to tell us how it goes!

Much love and pasta!

Feliciano

—

Fratello!

Did you hear the news? Did you hear the news?

Feliciano

—

Feliciano,

What the fuck are you going on about now? What news?

Lovino

—

lovinovargas: sorry hold on a second

lovinovargas: my stupid fratello is sending me weird emails

imyongsoo: ok

imyongsoo: both of our brothers are weird

—

Lovi!

Alfred and Arthur are dating now! Or something like that! But don't tell anyone, it's a secret!

Feliciano

—

Feliciano,

Why would I give a shit.

Lovino

—

lovinovargas: back

lovinovargas: apparently, England and America are hooking up

lovinovargas: sweet jesus, took them fucking long enough

—

Aniki!

England and America are "hooking up!" You should "hook up" with me, too!

your BROTHER D

—

Ivan:

Please make my brother "one with you." He wants to hook up with me.

Wang Yao

—

Dearest Wang Yao

Why does your brother wish to do that with you?

Vanya

—

Ivan:

He's following Arthur and Alfred's example, aru. Just take my brother off my hands!

Wang Yao

—

Dearest Wang Yao

Ahhhhhhh. At Bastille Day, I imagine.

I see your problem. I will arrange for Natalya to have a date with him.

Vanya (please call me that instead of Ivan)

—

sender: Alfred Jones

time: 7:49 P.M.

ARTHUR, WHY THE FUCK IS IVAN SITTING BEHIND US? THIS ISN'T EVEN A RUSSIAN BALLET D:

—

sender: Arthur Kirkland

time: 7:50 P.M.

How the bloody hell should I know! You didn't tell anyone about this, did you? And turn the caps lock off on your phone!

—

sender: Alfred Jones

time: 7:50 P.M.

OF COURSE I DIDN'T, JESUS. YOU DO KNOW THAT I WAS FOUNDED BY PURITANS, RIGHT? I CAN'T, IT'S STUCK. I'LL ASK KIKU TO FIX IT NEXT TIME I SEE HIM. :

—

sender: Arthur Kirkland

time: 7:51 P.M.

Let's get out of here. Maybe he won't see us go. We can get some French pastries or something while we're here and then go someplace where they speak a civilized language.

—

sender: Ivan Braginski

time: 7:51 P.M.

Fredkaya, I see you 3 3 3

—

sender: Alfred Jones

time: 7:52 P.M.

'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU MOTHERFUCKER GO GO GO

—

Lieb' diary,

So after Francis's totally unawesome party that ended early I decided to stop at a cafe and write in my totally awesome diary. And guess what happened! I spotted old UK and US holding a box of pastries and walking towards the park. I'll report back later.

the awesome PRUSSIA

—

Lieb' diary,

FRANCIS WAS TOTALLY STALKING THEM WITH KIKU AND THEY DIDN'T INVITE ME! I was mad but when they saw me they invited me and told me to keep track of their movements. Kiku has a video camera and Francis has binoculars.

They're walking and eating something really yummy-looking. And talking. Mostly US talking.

Still walking and eating. It actually looks like something with raisins. I hate raisins.

They stopped in front of the duck pond and sat down on a bench. Still talking, but UK's doing most of it now.

Gilbird almost busted our cover when he peeped at a female duck. YEAH LITTLE GUY, THOSE CHICKS ARE CUTE, BUT SHUT UP

They're feeding the birds with whatever it is they didn't finish. It looks like US is feeding them a lot of raisins (maybe he hates them too. I always liked that kid.).

Still talking. It's getting dark. Mein Gott, make a move, one of you!

WHEN I WAS LOOKING DOWN TO WRITE THAT, THEY KISSED, ACCORDING TO FRANCIS. KIKU STILL RECORDING. GODDAMNIT FUCK SHIT [angry scribbles]

—

sender: Gilbird Beilschmidt

time: 9:35 P.M.

Let's go pick up some chicks.

—

sender: Pierre Bonnefoy

time: 9:37 P.M.

These French beauties are all mine. Fuck you, yellow-feathered mutt.

—

sender: Gilbird Beilschmidt:

time: 9:40 P.M.

Yes please.

—

sender: Pierre Bonnefoy

time: 9:42 P.M.

Let's do this, mon amis.

—

Dear Mr. Jones,

enclosed is a largely ornamental key, probably skeleton in nature. Mr. Kirkland instructed me to tell you that it is your late birthday present. Congratulations on a wonderful first date.

Sincerely,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

—

Arthur,

I think I found our mole. Your assistant is a seriously creepy lady. Call or text me. I had Kiku fix the phone.

Al

—

Dear Mr. Jones,

That's a secret.

Have a nice day,

Agnes Wattleby

Mr. Kirkland's P.A.

Told you it would be fun!

Some notes of interest:

Most of this was sent via email. The exceptions are: Agnes's first letter; Lovi and Yong Soo's exchange (they were Skyping); and anything noted with a "Sender" and a time (those are texts). If you noticed the time frame on the birds' texting, it's because it's bloody hard to text when you have wings instead of thumbs.

... and oh, all of the characters, with the exception of Agnes and Louise, belong to Hidekaz Himaruya. Story and Agnes and Louise belong to me.

Thanks for reading, y'all. I really hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment. :)

EDIT: I realized why I never really cottoned-on to FF. This formatting is driving me crazy. :\