A/N:

Okay. A few notes before you read and get all confused and stuff.

This is in Denmark's PoV! So I apologize for any OOCness, even though I'm way more confident in writing him than I am writing Iceland or Norway. xD

And if it isn't blatantly obvious, he's telling the story to Sealand (who is the adopted son of Berwald and Tino) Also, I guess I'll start doing a warning for stories from now on.

Warnings: Cursing, Implications of Graphic Violence, Implications of Sex (kinda sorta not at all)

I think that's about it... on with the story! Enjoy!

Inappropriate Bedtime Stories: As Told By Denmark

Oho? A bedtime story, you say? Well, I'm an absolute pro at bedtime stories. So just sit back, relax, and try not to fall asleep because this is some pretty juicy stuff about your parents!

Their new apartment was perfect (recommended by me, of course, because I'm a flaming ball of awesomesauce that's always ready to help out friends in need).

It had a really nice view, it was close to both of their jobs (and lots of bars), and it had pretty decent restaurants (and bars) surrounding it. Oh, and the landlord wasn't a crazy, frying pan-wielding bitch like their last one was. There was also no vermin or bugs of any sort, their wallpaper wasn't peeling off, the hallways outside their room didn't smell like dog shit and vomit, there weren't random holes in the wall or red stains (that looked suspiciously like blood and knowing Berwald, it probably was) on the living room carpet, so basically, it was a huge improvement from their last horrible and less-than-welcoming abode that I was forced to visit on several occasions.

Of course there's no such thing as perfect, so there was a downside to all this.

Their neighbor, Ivan Braginski? Batshit insane.

I mean, he's our neighbor, too, but he doesn't stare at Nor like he's a particularly juicy slab of meat that he can't wait to get his hands on and devour (thank God, because I would have had to smack a bitch) so I feel really, really bad for Tino. ...And Berwald. I guess. Even though the dude's a complete stick-in-the-mud that won't listen to me ever and every time I open my mouth to talk I can feel his urge to rip out my vocal chords. What did I ever do to him?

Ugh!

Anyway! This Ivan was a really stocky Russian creep-o that could make you shiver just by looking at you. Seriously, I think he ate small children for breakfast and raw deer meat for snacks. He'd always wear a scarf, too, (I bet it was to hide the scars on his neck from when he got stabbed by Jamie Lee Curtis, cuz I think he was secretly Michael Meyers from the Halloween movies) and whenever I saw him he'd have a huge trenchcoat-like get-up on. Yeah, mondo freaky if you ask me. Nor thinks so, too, and Nor never finds anything freaky. Like, EVER. So this was some serious business, kid.

So yeah, this dude Ivan was okay until Berwald and Tino came along, me and Nor never had any trouble with him. He brought us a disgusting Russian dish when we first moved in and gave us both a bone-chilling once-over before he smiled and handed the plate that smelled like cat piss to Nor, telling us he hoped that we liked our apartment and bidding us good day before he like, glided out and back to his own room. Nor, of course, dumped it as soon as the freak was out of ear-shot and we continued on with our lives, avoiding contact with Ivan as much as possible (especially when we took out the trash the next day).

Then, from what Tino told us, he did the same thing to them. Except the creep didn't even look at Berwald, he just stared at Tino the entire time, and Tino described the feeling he got was akin to being eyed up by a particularly hungry rottweiler. Meaning he was scared shitless until Ivan's eyes finally closed with one of his freaky childish smiles (which radiated 'bad guy,' mind you) and he backed out of the apartment with an eery "see you soon, new neighbor~"

It only got worse from there.

Ivan would follow us out when we went drinking, slinging an arm around Tino's shoulder only to have it shoved off a second later by a very perceptive Berwald. He has like, Tino-dar or something. Really. I could just brush Tino's arm and Berwald would whip around to glare at me like I'd just raped the poor boy.

Anyway, he kept coming onto Tino relentlessly. Everywhere they went, Ivan was at their heels like an obedient puppy. Actually, it was more like a lioness stalking her prey, but whatever.

At one point, when Berwald wasn't home and Tino swore he had locked all the doors, Ivan strolled on in (after presumably pick locking the door) and wrapped his arms around Tino's waist (who happened to be cooking dinner for Berwald at the time). He dug his face and abnormally large nose into Tino's hair and asked what was for dinner.

Tino calmly pushed the larger man away, but had to struggle when the bulky Russian got more and more persistent.

Then Berwald walked in.

I heard Tino's screams from two doors down.

Later, when Nor and I went to visit Ivan in the hospital (out of pity, poor guy got a broken nose, two black eyes, three broken ribs, and a broken arm before I could stop Berwald) he told us he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. But I've seen the man drink fifteen vodka bottles without blinking an eye, so there was no way in fuck he was that drunk.

Tino was scared, Berwald was furious. He never left Tino's side after that, not even to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, it was that bad. I still think it was just another excuse for him to see Tino semi-naked, but that's probably just me (and everyone else who knows them).

Soon, however, Berwald had to leave for a business trip. Tino put on a brave face and told him to go, but we all knew he was terrified of being left alone, so Berwald asked if he could stay with us for a few days. And of course, we let him. Reluctantly, with many kisses and warnings and reminders, Berwald left. And after that Tino had his phone with him at all times, whether it was when he was cooking, cleaning, going to the bathroom, it was always with him.

You can imagine how bad Nor and I felt for the guy, so I suggested that we take a vacation to ease some of the tension and hopefully get Tino to relax and smile again. So we all went to kick back at some random spa for the day.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

None of us knew, but Ivan had followed us there. We don't even know how he did it, seeing as we were all on the look-out from the moment we left the apartment. But he still managed it, and when Nor opened our hotel room door to find the intimidating Russian standing there, you can imagine his shock and horror.

He was even more surprised when the Russian held a cloth up to his mouth, a cloth that happened to be doused in chloroform, and I couldn't hear his thrashing from the other room where I was watching TV.

Why can't I have Nor-dar?

Dammit, I'M A HORRIBLE BOYFRIEND!

...Anyway, I knew something was wrong when I called out asking who was at the door and he didn't respond, so I got up and turned the corner to find Nor collapsed on his side on the ground, eyes closed and mouth open.

Don't blame me for the next part, either! Cuz Berwald did, but it was not my fucking FAULT! I was distraught, okay? What would you do if you found your lover unconscious on the ground? HUH!

WHAT? CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN? I am the epitome of calm, you fucking kid.

...Ahem.

...So the first thing I did, of course, was kneel down next to him and shout his name, pulling him up and cradling him in my arms.

I should have probably looked around for the culprit, but I was more concerned for Nor's well being, like any good lover would be!

Shut up I'm not trying to justify my lack of foresight!

Okay maybe I am, but I seriously didn't deserve that pipe to the back of the head.

Tino told me what happened next, since I was unconscious through the rest of it. He came out of his room after hearing my yell, and saw us both unconscious on the floor. His eyes went wide and his breathing got erratic because he knew exactly who did it. I really don't blame him for what he did next, but it still stings to know that he didn't even check on us before booking it.

He screamed and he ran, but there were no other exits, so he could only lock himself in the bathroom and dial Berwald's number with shaking fingers.

Berwald answered the call on the first ring, and asked Tino what was wrong, and Tino, being Tino, started to bawl like crazy.

The only thing Berwald managed to squeeze out of him between the sobbing and the choking was the address, but that was all he needed. He stayed on the line, calming Tino down as he rushed back home, luckily he was only a town over.

Halfway back, however, he heard Tino scream and drop the phone and he told me that all his blood went cold and he had never experienced such a profound fear in his life. He says he thinks that he stopped breathing for an entire minute, but I don't believe him, pshh, how melodramatic.

Anyway, as you may have guessed, Ivan had pick locked the bathroom door rather easily (you'd think Tino would've known by now that locked doors meant nothing to the obsessive psychopath) and smiled at Tino as your poor mom screamed and told him to stay away.

So yeah, I kinda see where Berwald is coming from, I'd feel like the most useless person in the world if my lover was on the other line screaming his head off and telling someone to stay away and I was still miles away and couldn't do anything to help.

...Yeah, wow, that must've sucked.

Of course, when Berwald got there Nor and I were still unconscious and he had to break down the door.

Tino was nowhere to be found.

The end!

HAHA, I'm just kidding~ You should have seen your face!

But yeah, Tino and Berwald really didn't want me to know the next part of this. They certainly won't want you knowing either.

...Dammit, don't give me the puppy eyes!

Resolve... breaking... can't stand.. the cute...

…

BAWWW, okay! But you didn't hear it from me, k?

So Berwald is a scary motherfucker when he's angry. So never make your papa angry, alright? You may be his son, but he could snap you like a twig without breaking a sweat.

After he got me and Nor hospitalized, he set straight off to finding this S.O.B. I don't blame him, like, at all, for not sticking around. That dude was probably already raping Ti- ah, shit, sorry forgot you're too young for that stuff.

Don't give me that look, you're like eight.

...You're thirteen?

Oh.

Well shit. You look like your- OW! Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'll continue!

...Jesus, you're turning into your asshole fathe- OUCH, DAMMIT!

ANYWAY.

Tino was probably getting raped into oblivion so Berwald had no time to lose. He spent an hour running around the city, an hour, and he found them.

Didn't I say he had Tino-dar? I don't know how the Hell he managed to find them, but he rammed open that warehouse door like a bull, steam blowing from his nostrils and all, and found Tino chained to a bed, gagged and crying his eyes out.

Meaning Tino's warnings couldn't reach Berwald.

Meaning Berwald took a pipe to the back of the head, too.

He said he didn't even feel it.

Tino actually squirmed when he was telling me the next part, and it is so graphically disturbing that I really don't want to describe it to you and kid, I don't give a damn how many times you've watched the Saw movies cuz this shit is nastier than the Human Centipede.

Okay maybe not, but it was damned close.

Needless to say... Ivan's body (or what was left of it) was never found. So that's why your daddy isn't in jail.

And your daddy carried your mommy bridal style (like a pimp) out of that warehouse, covering him with his own jacket that was probably soaked in blood and guts, yeah real romantic, Berwald, and he came back home like nothing ever happened.

Oh, and they lived happily ever after. Until they got you. Then everything fell to shit aga- OW, WOULD YOU STOP HITTING ME!

Geez!

...The end, for serious this time!

What?

What do you mean what comes next?

Haha, kid, I don't think you want to know, cuz what your daddy did to Tino when they got home was just as graphic as what your daddy did to Ivan, only it was a much different kind of graphic.

Ohey, Norge!

What, Nor, this story is very educational!

Why are you looking at me like that?

Hey, the kid had a right to- OHFU-

...haha... HI, Berwald! Fancy seeing you here! You're looking particularly cryptic and frightening today. Do you want anything to drink, maybe the blood of a virgin? Bleach? Nesquik?

…Berwald?

…Nor?

…

…Please don't kill me!

A/N:

I love how Denmark completely disregards the first time he says 'rape' but mentions that Sealand is 'too young' the second time. ...eheh... It's cuz I caught it while proofreading and didn't fix it COUGHCOUGH, but I still think it fit his airhead-type personality rather well. xD

Good lord, it feels like the first time I've written non-subtle humor humor in forever. Feels good, man!

I have no idea whether or not I'll be continuing this by just adding more stories as I come up with them. I think I will though, seeing as I already started another. xD It's just so relaxing to write as Denmark for some reason!

HOWEVER, I'm going to mark it as 'Complete' since I might just end up posting them all as separate one-shots. ...Although that is kinda silly. ...Ugh! I don't know what I'm going to do!

Well, I'll think about it later. Thanks for reading! Any questions, comments, or concerns can just be dropped in a review. I'll make sure to respond. :D

Oh and I kinda want to point out that I have nothing against Ivan, like, at all. This was a request from Joey. I asked her to suggest something for me to write, and she told me she wanted Russia kidnapping Finland and Sweden coming to save the day. So I really don't think he's that bad a guy. HE'S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD.