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Chapter 3: "It's NEVER Normal in Death City"

"You know, in a just and loving world, this would be kidnapping." Andrew observed as he was escorted by two of the DWMA instructors into Kid's mansion. Each had a hand under his arms, fairly dragging him up to the house. His tone was deadpan, as if he was used to this kind of treatment.

The door opened just before they reached it and revealed Death the Kid standing directly in the middle, Liz and Patty flanking him.

"Good to see you accepted my invitation." He said with a small smile.

Andrew stared at him, eyes partially lidded as if unbelieving. "This was an 'invitation'? I'd hate to see what a kidnapping looks like."

"Come on. Everyone else is waiting." Kid said, ignoring the comment.

The instructors dropped Andrew within the threshold and closed the perfectly oiled and balanced doors. He followed Kid to a spacious and unsurprisingly symmetrical living room. Everyone was there: Soul, Maka, Tsubaki, Black Star, Stein and even Medusa. They lounged on various couches and chairs, Stein sat in his wheeled office chair, leaning forward on the back support and Medusa sat cross-legged suspended off the floor by her snakes.

"So, my house is too small? I even cleaned the place expecting you guys."

"Your home is too... asymmetric." Kid put as gently as possible.

"Ok. Well, let's get the death threats over with." Resignation didn't do enough justice to his tone.

Surprisingly, silence greeted him for a few seconds.

"A sexy nurse outfit?" Medusa finally asked, her voice betrayed no emotion.

The writer gulped. He had not wanted to piss off this particular witch. "Uh... yeah?" He ventured.

Medusa smirked. "I like it." Black Star cringed.

"A betting pool though." Soul spoke as if unbelieving. "What makes you think our friends would do that?"

"Punishment Basketball." Was Andrew's reply. "Maka was made to go on a date with her father after losing a game. I figured callous abuse of Spirit's emotions as well as making Maka uncomfortable could be twisted a bit into a betting pool. Besides, it's not like they were betting on a pregnancy. That would have been going a bit far."

"At least the amount was symmetrical." Kid offered his opinion. "Both horizontally and vertically. And he gave Liz and Patty the same number or lines. Glad to see you remembered."

"Kinda hard to forget when the 'request' is made with twin pistols held upside down in your face. Seriously, why the weirdest grip form in recorded history?"

Kid looked slightly taken aback. "W-well..."

"It's cool." Soul offered.

"Exactly." Kid agreed.

"If impractical." Andrew muttered. "So, next criticism/grounds for painful death?"

"Why do you think that I would threaten the students to keep quiet?" Stein asked, slowly turning his screw.

"A few reasons. You enjoy scaring the students. On the flip side of that coin, you genuinely care about them. Indulging both offers the best of both worlds, you scare the student body into a temporary silence with a very valid threat and buy Soul and Maka time to explain their relationship to Spirit on their terms. As for the specific threat to Black Star, you know that he's got a neurotic streak about seeing Medusa wearing your shirt, so you push a few buttons and make him go into a catatonic state. You traumatize the loudest mouth on campus silent and get a new idea for your time with Medusa."

Stein smiled. "Well, you thought that out. Points for being clinical. Ever thought about being a doctor?"

"Programmer. We have to be cold, calculating and logical when writing a program. It's not that hard to see your view of the world. A touch of madness helps no end, I'll say that much."

Stein smiled, as did Medusa. The others cringed slightly, recalling the Kishin's madness no doubt.

"I'm not going to go insane. Relax. The second undue madness works into way into the story, it'll be corrected. I've have proofers for a reason." Andrew said exasperatedly.

After a lengthy pause, Black Star harrumphed. "Why can't you make the story about me? I'm the man who's gonna surpass God after all."

"I've ignored your emails after a good laugh." Andrew said matter-of-factly. Black star fell out of his chair.

"What are you talking about?" He shouted. "I wouldn't send you emails or anything like that!"

"I'll admit, the burner accounts were a good idea, but I know how you talk, and the schizophrenic switch between your screaming caps and Tsubaki's polite, formal and perfect grammar was interesting." Tsubaki blushed slightly, as if embarrassed.

"Well, why won't you make it about me?" Black Star asked, indignant and embarrassed at being found out. "I'm gonna-"

"Surpass God. I know. You say it all the time. The thing is, I'm writing a story about Soul and Maka. Surpass God and we'll talk."

Black Star smiled triumphantly, belted out a "YAHOO!" and began to jump around.

"Just know that I define 'God' as omniscience, power over life and death and the capability to control the fate of all Creation. Lord Death is ahead of you on the second count and partially ahead of you on the first count. Focus on surpassing him first."

Black Star stopped dancing and sat down, still smiling. "We'll see about that."

"Thanks for trying to make me the voice of reason." Liz said.

"Someone has to be. No ghosts or monsters yet, so we'll see." Andrew said with a slight smile as Liz cringed.

"Ooh! Ghosties!" Patty said from her seat next to Liz and began to make ghost noises and a scary faces, further traumatizing her sister.

"How do you think my Papa and Mama will take the pregnancy?" Maka asked, slightly worried.

"You know Chernobyl?" Andrew asked.

"Yeah?" Maka answered nervously.

"That, but with scythes wielded by grizzly bears."

The color drained from Maka's face.

"Don't worry. It'll mostly be full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Spirit gave Soul his blessing, he just wasn't expecting this. But, who better to take care of his little Maka than Soul? I think Kami might take some convincing, but she'll see it that way too."

Maka calmed down and Soul smiled confidently. "That was pretty cool of you. You might not be so bad after all."

"I try."

"I have one question though." Kid stated. "I understand that I might know of the vision and it's causes, by what was the thing with my father at the end?"

"Comedy and forbearing. Comedy in how little help he would be to Sid with relationship advice and forbearing in that Lord Death would likely notice Maka's pregnancy and have fewer reasons to keep quiet to Spirit." Andrew noted the worried expression on both Kid and Maka's faces. "Not to say that he'll outright tell Spirit, but he does know something of importance to his weapon and he might drop the vague hint that something was up. You know how he is, he knows a secret and he's going to have some fun with it. That's how his cute and cuddly persona is. But he also knows that telling Spirit would cause no small amount of trouble for Soul and Maka."

"Dude, you think about this way too much." Soul noted.

"I have a lot of free time." Andrew looked at Tsubaki who was quietly sitting next to Black Star. "You haven't chewed me out much. I hardly gave you any lines beyond happy gushing."

Surprised to be on the spot, Tsubaki flushed in embarrassment. "Well, I would be happy for Soul and Maka..."

"Hey, as long as you don't want to gut me like a trout, I'm happy." Tsubaki merely smiled in response.

"So, can I leave with my body intact? I need to get back to planning out the rest of the story." Andrew shifted uneasily, having been standing the entire time.

"Well, there's no flights to Detroit or Lansing out of McCarran tonight." Kid informed him. "And my father lent our jet to a friend of his after you got here. You're welcome to stay with one of us or get a hotel room."

"So brought me to the Nevada desert, in the summer with no ready means of getting me home? Thanks."

Kid looked a bit flustered.

"You could stay with us." Maka offered helpfully. Soul grinned in a sort of evil way at Andrew.

"N-no thanks. I know what Soul is thinking. I'd like to actually sleep tonight."

Maka looked confused, Soul looked like a surprise party he planned had fallen apart.

"I think I'll take a hotel room. Good thing I brought my notebook and laptop..." Andrew walked form the room and left the house without another word. Those with sharper hearing might have heard him shout "Fuck its hot!" after the door closed, but that might have been their imaginations.

"What did he mean about sleeping? What were you planning, Soul?" Liz asked suspiciously. Unseen, Stein and Medusa shared a devious glance.

"Sex!" Patty shouted next to her.

Maka smacked Soul with a thick, hardbound book she had been reading earlier. Another Stealth Maka Chop.

Author's Note: Ok, this is starting to feel ridiculous. Hardly anyone reads this story, and I feel like I'm shamelessly buffing my own ego rather than just explaining myself to readers of "Your Guardian Soul" and "Nine to Life". *sigh* This is supposed to be an informal companion to YGS and NtL, but I think that I'm failing at that miserably. Let me know, either way.

Ah well, if you find this funny, and I'm fucking trying to balance uninteresting with comedy, I hope you enjoyed it.

P.S. Yes, I am from southern Michigan.