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Sundermount

Anders:

The bleached out sky fit my mood, and Justice's loss of patience was driving us. Not that I disagreed, or could disagree for long. We saw the same things after all. He now knew what I had seen and experienced, far more than what I'd once told him at the Vigil. Even his infatuation with nature and life had faded some with the horrors normals and Templars had done to people like us.

Hawke was keeping me busy with a sudden flurry of projects. Most of them I wanted to help with, whether due to an injustice related to our cause or they sounded interesting. The haunting in Bartrand's mansion was more interesting than any I'd read of before, and I had to see how much of that was due to the thinner veil here.

The other missions? Hawke wanted my company, and that was enough. I had once resigned myself to only unrequited affections because of Justice and how we reacted when we'd met Karl when he... That showed the folly of affection for me.

Hawke getting close to Isabela was no surprise, Halan was too serious even before Carver was lost to his Joining. But that hadn't lasted too much longer than our return after the Deep Roads. Hawke flirted with me on occasion but left me alone when I asked.

I must have been a fool, because I couldn't stand it when Halan started spending time with the damned elf months later. Her, he didn't insult like the rest of us mages in Thedas. I couldn't stand the thought of them being together, and tried to make myself indispensable for missions. I'd already gladly taught her more about healing magics so she could repair what her force magic destroyed. Something happened after the death of that Magister Hadriana that made Hawke cold, and she spent more time at my clinic again before Aldrik's death.

Not as foolish the second time, I yielded to her temptations and her care, afraid of losing her. I cannot believe we're still together, years later. Halan takes it for granted, that her parents were married and her father a mage. I still can't believe that, even with having known three members of that family.

They are the best examples of what we're fighting for, that mages don't have to be either Tranquil slaves or Magisters, they... we could marry and have families without becoming menaces. I'd almost begun to wonder if we could marry. Justice wouldn't object. He might even be approving since Kristoff had been married and a Grey Warden. The problem is that I couldn't even suggest it, with the way the Knight-Commander had shut down mages here. But I could hope.

So I went on every mission Hawke found, even on this gray day, looking for an assassin. I'd even reluctantly asked her help in getting the components we'd needed. It wasn't quite a potion that would free me from Justice, that could never happen while I lived, but if I broke the iron grip on the Gallows' Circle, maybe we could get married and just be happy for a while.

It wasn't that I disliked Isabela, I'd been like her once. I might resent that she cheered Hawke more than I sometimes, but I knew who Halan slept with. Merrill was somehow sweet, for a blood mage. I wished she'd realize she didn't need to make any mistakes like mine, to help her people.

I knew getting Hawke's help was probably a mistake, but I knew in my bones we'd find dragons when I looked for the components. As much as Justice might have once disapproved of her, even he knew that I could not defeat one of the greater dragons on our own. Blackmarsh taught him that much about this side of the Fade. Time was running out for the mages under Meredith's so-called care. So, too, was time running out for me.

Hawke had to be protected from what we had to do, and any cost.

The coming storm and its cost weighed on me. It was stupid to mourn what I was losing when it was my choice, but even Justice's constant annoyance at it couldn't prevent it. I thought I was the last free mage in the city aside from Hawke. It seemed we were the last free mages who hadn't dabbled in blood magic. I clung to her as she slept, and tried not to nag about the drakestone the way Justice wanted nor let it rest as would have been so easy.

I wasn't always succeeding at those, even if Justice hadn't manifested much over the last years. Hawke was the perfect leader for the mages: free, but practically Circle trained. Hightown hero and Champion, but not snobby, and able to heal and fight without blood magic or demons. An enemy of blood magic and demons, but willing to help any with a good cause.

Surprised at it, I felt that echo of close darkspawn from some ruins ahead of us, and called a warning. We hadn't expected them. I wasn't even sure we had a chance to find the assassin until the Dalish told us where he was waiting. Darkspawn, above ground like during a Blight, made me worry more than a single assassin.

They had to be stopped. That resolve was instant, and I was unwillingly reminded I couldn't escape the Taint. I wanted to tell Hawke to leave, but it wasn't only Justice that blocked that. Bitter necessity said she might make the difference, and now I knew why the Hero of Ferelden so often looked sad, even when we won the tough fights.

This wasn't that, thank the Maker. Hawke was stunned and maybe a little concussed, but the rest of us were fine. It took moments, even with healing, for her to recover. I sighed, seeing Isabela pull the Dalish girl up for a jig on the ogre.

While Hawke was still dazed, I had to get closer and take some comfort in giving it. My time left with her was weeks now, maybe only days. I couldn't tell her and I didn't want her blamed for what we planned.

Returning to keeping secrets from Hawke again was as impossible to bear as I once feared. I was glad I could turn her worries back to happier days, days I desperately wanted her to remember me by.

Isabela teased us and I gave it back; having been like her and now not. I wouldn't go back to that.

Then we reentered the last cave on this path and Merrill was the first to lose her good mood, remembering the Dalish youth who'd died. I didn't feel like bantering anymore either, at the silent reminder of the caves and tunnels the ingredients of our potion waited in.

Then the first of the spiders attacked. It would have been easier if one of the warriors had come. I had to use more magic to help Isabela, even if most of the spiders were more attracted by her movement than by we mages.

More spiders in the tunnels, and Hawke spun up her spell, darkly muttering when we entered the last cavern. It seemed that the Varterral couldn't really die. Perhaps it was like what I'd heard about the origins of dwarven golems, straddling the gap between living and construct. It wasn't nearly as bright.

Staying behind Hawke and Merrill, I threw shielding magic on Isabela. She lacked the armor the warriors had, which meant she was getting hurt more. Even with that and staggering some spells, it seemed like forever until we managed to hamper it, let alone disable it. Close to its death throes, it spat out that acidic goo and thrashed out, making the ground shake...

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My eyes opened and I felt like I'd been dipped in molten pain. Merrill and Isabela were still fighting the Varterral, and I could feel the wet stickiness in my favorite robes. Looking at Hawke as I scrambled to my feet, I felt the magic of another spirit healer.

I could feel the spirits around us.

For the first time in years I could easily feel the spirits around me.

Within, I only felt a hollowness.

Justice? I asked into that echoing, even if he rarely spoke anymore.

I heard nothing, felt nothing. And the amount of blood on my armor told me how close to dying I had been.

I wanted to shout my joy in those few seconds, but Hawke looked strained and bloody, too. Good news could wait, as she needed me to gather my magic to help finish the battle.

At the end of the battle, a male elf melted out of the shadows and we learned Nuncio's lies about this mission.

I only half listened to Isabela and the half familiar assassin, poking at the space inside me. If I had known about this, I might have done this years ago.

Hawke was angry and swept us towards the camp of Nuncio. She wasn't mollified by his words, and he lost all chance at surviving when he attacked. Zevran showed up as well and the Crow and his crew didn't last long.

Maybe they died too quickly as Halan angrily kicked the corpse, looking like she wanted to kill him again.

Once we caught our breath, we could decide what was next. Merrill wanted to collect some elfroot from a patch she knew was nearby, and Isabela collected the former Crow for some fun. I was simply enjoying being alive and free.

Hawke moved away from the tents where Isabela had disappeared into, and I followed my love. So many things I wanted to savor now that I was only me again. Halan was the top of the list, so I followed her with a smile.

She stopped though, and turned to face me before I reached her. Feeling a door slam of Fade energy, I was horrified to see her skin crack into veins of the Fade and her eyes glowed like lyrium.

No, no, this had to be a nightmare! Maker, I want to wake up. Now!

She, they spoke, and what happened tore my heart as her voice had an echo I'd never heard before, "And just how long were you going to lie to me about that damn potion, Anders?"

I finished that last step I'd started decades before, dropping to my knees in front of her like a puppet with cut strings. I threw my arms around her and laid my cheek against the metal in her armor.

All that I could think, all that I found myself wailing against her in almost a whisper, "No, no. Maker, no. I wanted to keep you safe from this. You're the only light... my only light... no..."

Everything was ashes, the future destroyed by my actions and my failures. Clutching her still form, I was shaking with my sobs. I expected to die, but Hawke had to lead the other mages into a better future. She had to have everything denied us, everything I could and could not give her.

Not this.

After a few moments, I could feel fingers running over my hair, and looked up at her, my face cold from drying tears. Her blue eyes were only the color of the sky again, though her expression was neutral.

I finally managed to force out some words. "I'm sorry, Halan. I didn't want you associated with it. I want you to be safe. It's ugly and it's cruel, and Maker help me, it's necessary. If I had thought I could convince you to travel to Weisshaupt, I would. Anywhere far from here."

Tracing my cheek, she said sadly, "I know all that, I knew most of it already before I learned the rest from him. What hurt the most is that you don't trust me in this."

I pulled her down to the ground and held her tightly for a moment. Then, holding her face in my hands, I looked in her eyes, praying she looked back. A stray thought reminded me that a part of what had been me was now attached to her soul. Not that I had many secrets from her, but it was a little frightening as well.

All that I could see was that her eyes flickered with sadness, anger, and a trace of fear, all things that Justice never felt except as pure explosions, not this human mix.

Glad and grieving that she still was in there, I better understood how careful Hawke had been with me, with us. I was willing to promise anything to save her, and I meant it.

Without any decision, I yanked her closer for a kiss... in apology or sorrow or need to keep her safe. Laying her head at my neck, I could finally speak. "I trusted you to help all the mages and the misguided who became Templars like Keran, even when this destroyed me. My fate was sealed when I became his host."

"Is it now?" Hawke wondered. "He wasn't ripped out while you lived, leaving you rent. How many, if any, playing host to a spirit might manage to die of old age? Have there ever been other spirits, less angry, who stayed hidden?"

"I don't know, Love. I hadn't found any reports in all these years. Maybe in Tevinter or ancient elven records there are testimonials. Maker help me, there might even be something hidden in the Gallows' archives or somewhere else, as the city was built for Magisters."

Rubbing her back absently, I vowed to myself that I had to do something. My life was already shortened because of my Joining, but...

Taking a deep breath, I had to ask even if I was nearly sure. "What happened?"

Hawke started to look up, but changed her mind and left her head against me, saying in a flat voice, "Collapsing rocks took you down. No mana left, no potions left. I could feel your spirit lifting away. I couldn't... I was about to see if using my blood would give me enough to keep you from dying..."

I tried not to wince, but I could understand the temptation and had no ready answer. So I waited, unsure if I was as glad to be alive, now. After a long moment I told her, "Just to be clear, if it means you deal with demons or blood magic, don't. Maybe I might avoid the Void, but you'd better get to the Maker's side."

Laughing, but not humorously, Hawke said, "Make me. Don't get killed by bloody spiders."

A small smile had somehow come to my lips. "I'll try, Love." Turning her face up, my kiss was tentative, as I feared Justice would interfere, as he had so many other times.

She felt the same to me, and I thanked the Maker for small mercies before prompting her, "And then?"

Her voice stronger, "Another spirit was around us as you were dying, with enough mana to save you. It had more force and personality than the others I've dealt with..." She shuddered and said in a broken voice, "He still called you friend."

Still? After all our arguments and nearly silent fights about distractions and what we should do?

"We had been," I said, now mourning the innocent that Justice had been in Amaranthine. No one else had known him then, knew us now. I knew he'd not seen many of the abuses while under the Warden's wing, and no one took me seriously then, outside combat.

My echoing inside now seemed lonely. I'd been alone for most of my life, and I held them tighter, saying, "I think I'll miss him."

Hawke hugged me tightly as well. "You're not getting rid of me that easily. I meant it when I said for the rest of our lives."

I felt a bit warmer at that even if I wasn't quite as sure which of them said it. I buried my face in her hair and admitted ruefully to myself that she would know everything now, even those things I tried to forget about my past. Even secrets I'd been sworn to keep.

My sorrow was in my voice when I asked, "What will you do about the potion now?" Justice had been absolutely determined for weeks.

Hawke stilled, and I wondered if she was debating with Justice, like I had more frequently in the early years. I didn't see any sign of the spirit.

"We do it as planned."

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A/N: Any typos that remain are not intentional... Reviews or a PM to let me know what you think would be very appreciated.