Back to Zero

L.R.T.

Sitting on a bench outside the city's Pokemon Center, a young, pig-tailed Jessie rested her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand, staring longingly at the pizzeria across the street, her trusty but increasingly rickety bike parked beside her. She kept trying to tell herself the feeling in the pit of her stomach was nothing more than hunger pangs; but she couldn't think of any good reason why her heart ached so much - other than the one she was trying desperately to ignore.

It had been years since she'd been in the city. She had tried to avoid it at all costs but poor navigational skills and impending nightfall left her no choice this time. As the lights of the city began to flick on, one after the other, the neon red and yellow sign on the pizza place joined them. She could almost swear she saw their images reflected in it, so bright and happy. Her eyes remained locked on it, recalling that night in her mind like it had just happened yesterday until she had to blink some of the dryness and soreness away, lifting her free hand to rub at them and seeing multicolored spots before her in the aftermath.

If only she could turn back time. If only she hadn't been so quick to assume the worst about everyone. If only she had listened to James and stayed in that night; but that would mean that night never would've happened. She never would've looked up at the stars with him and giggled to herself when his heart would start to race with every little movement she made. No, she wouldn't change anything about that night. She wouldn't even change leaving Pokemon Tech. The only thing that she had left behind that she would give everything to have back again was him.

Did he think about her the way she thought about him? Was he still with the bike gang and if not, where was he? Was he happy? Was he back with that horrid family of his, adding to his already sadly impressive collection of scars? If so, was she to blame for it? If she ever saw him again, would she be able to face him?

"Jessie? Jessie, is that you?"

She had gone minutes without blinking again, lost in her own thoughts of "what if" and "if only", finally looking away from the pizza shop and next to her on the bench where a young man now sat. She hadn't even noticed. How the hell long had he been there?

"It is you!" came the happy reply and a laugh, the boy leaning over and giving her a quick, familiar hug. What was it about that hug...that voice?

Pulling back once he let her go, Jessie got her first good look at him and nearly fell into the street once she realized who it was. "A - Astin?" she sputtered, unable to keep from blinking now.

He laughed again and nodded, his smile shining brighter in the dusk than any of the lights dotting the street. "You remember me!"

"Of course I remember you," she said a bit too quickly for her liking, shrinking back slightly and trying to will herself into not blushing. "How have you been?"

"All right," he said with a shrug. "Traveling and learning a lot about Pokemon and contests. I was fourth runner-up in a contest in Johto a few weeks ago."

"That's great," Jessie said, still in shock at who she was sitting there talking to. "You're...living your dream, then."

Astin nodded and smiled again, tilting his head slightly. "And you? How have you been? Doing any contests?"

Dread washed over her completely. What was she supposed to say? The truth? Her "truth" was pathetic, painting her as nothing more than a hoodlum and vagabond. And how would he feel once he found out that she stayed at Pokemon Tech only to accomplish nothing? She had lost far more than she had gained.

As she was about to open her mouth for one fantastic lie, he interrupted her, "Have you ever heard of a place called Hoenn?"

Once again blinking, she shook her head.

"It's pretty far away...you have to go by boat; but man, I've heard the contests there are amazing. I've been thinking about going but..."

"...But?" she urged him on.

"Well, I had some friends I was traveling with but unfortunately, they were originally from Johto and decided to stay there and train for the next round of contests coming up. So," he laughed slightly, putting a hand behind his head awkwardly, "it's just me and I'm not sure heading to a whole new region all by myself is something I'm ready for."

"Oh, sure. I can understand that."

"So, um...I was wondering about the contests and all because I thought maybe if you were still interested in them, you'd like to come with me and -"

"Yes," she answered - too quickly once again, in her opinion. Getting a smile in response, she looked away from him and waved her hand in dismissal, trying to recover from what had to look desperate beyond all desperation. "I haven't had much time to do contests or anything. I've been very busy. I haven't even had time to catch my own Pokemon but, lucky for you, my schedule just opened up and I was going to start searching for the perfect Pokemon partner and start training in the coming days!"

As Astin was about to offer her his hand and lead her into the Pokemon Center where they would spend most of the night up chatting and making plans for their journey, the loud blare of a ship horn jarred her out of her happy memories. Jerking her head up, she scowled in what she assumed to be the general direction of the horn.

Just as she was about to pick up where she had left off in her mind, James and Meowth came running up to her, the former grabbing onto her hand and all but dragging her to the railing to watch as they made their way to port.

"Littleroot Town," she said with a sigh, ignoring her companions subsequent questions. She could only hope that things turned out better for her this time around.

"We are living a charmed life, my dear," Giovanni said as he stepped out of his office and stopped in front of Miyamoto's desk.

Raising an eyebrow, unsure whether to be amused, pleased, or frightened at his demeanor, she replied, "How's that?"

Turning the tables, he was the one that leaned against her desk with his back to her, watching as his Persian emerged from the office as well with a long, sleek stretch and a yawn. "Do you recall the..." Lifting his hands to make air quotes, he continued, "'threatening' faxes we received a few days ago?"

She made a face and leaned forward slightly, resting her chin on her hand. "'Give us all your research in regards to ancient Pokemon'...something something 'or else'...weird symbol, Team Magma? Then the same schtick with some 'Team Aqua'?"

"Your memory astounds," he said, still in an uncharacteristically good-natured tone.

"What about it? Wasn't it from Hoenn or something? Who cares?"

"Guess who, unbeknownst to them at the time, boarded a ship and ended up in Hoenn?"

Putting a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud, she said, voice muffled against her skin, "They did not."

"They called me just now on my private line - a number I'll now have to change."

Resting back against her chair, she dropped her hand and let herself enjoy a few chuckles at a certain trio's expense. "I take it that Ash is there, too. Please don't tell me they ended up in Hoenn for nothing."

"No, no. Apparently he decided to start on a new journey and that's what led them to Hoenn. It would be impressive if it hadn't been a complete and total accident."

Miyamoto shook her head, still smiling. "Saved you the trouble of having to make up some reason for them to go there, at least."

Looking back over his shoulder at her, he smirked slightly. "I did it anyway."

Tilting her head back against the back of the chair, she groaned. "The Pikachu? Still?"

"Better. I dare say, it's brilliant."

"Well, by all means - share your magnificent brain with the world, Giovanni."

He turned around, hands placed on the desk, leaning forward over it. "I told them that they're to check out the Hoenn region and report back on suitable places to expand the Team Rocket empire."

Once again unable to keep from laughing, she leaned forward as well, their noses almost pressed against each other's. "Giovanni, that's horrible."

"It most certainly is not." Pulling back, he stood up straight and adjusted his tie before crossing his arms over his chest. "We don't know very much about the Hoenn region and it would behoove us to have a place of operation there."

"Uh huh. Yeah, I'd believe you except for the fact that you'd never actually give Jessie and her team that assignment. Ever."

"They don't have to know that. Besides, their real assignment is much more important."

"Which is?"

Smirk once again appearing, he dropped a hand down to his side to scratch his suddenly needy Persian behind the ears. "To keep an eye on Teams Magma and Aqua, of course. I don't believe they're anything to be worried about but it would still benefit us to have all the information we can get on them."

"Always one step ahead," she said, returning his smirk.

"I'm afraid you're wrong, there, Miyamoto." He darted his eyes around the lobby before leaning in, giving her a quick but passionate kiss before pulling back as if nothing had happened. "I prefer to be miles ahead. And I always am."

He couldn't help but stare at her, making no effort to try and hide that fact. He wondered what she was thinking about - or, more accurately, he worried about what she was thinking about.

Trying to distract himself, he rolled over on his side and put his back to her, pulling the meager covers they shared up to his chin. In the main room of the cabin, just outside the bedroom door, Meowth and the other Pokemon were chatting up a storm - about what, he had no idea, despite understanding Meowth's side of the conversation.

His mind began to wander again, wondering if they were talking about him or Jessie or him and Jessie. Did they know something he didn't? Pokemon were very intuitive, after all, and Jessie's seemed to know her better than even he did at times. He wished he could speak Pokemon. Hell, he wished he could speak Jessie.

"We're not heroes." A quiet, almost shaky voice said. Before he could even shake himself out of his thoughts, it continued, "I've never been a hero and I never will be. I'm never going to be anything special...anyone for little girls to look up to."

He rolled back over to face her, brow furrowed and mouth open, ready to tell her all the reasons she was so completely wrong when she turned her head to the side, facing him instead. In the darkness, he could see the tears in her eyes make them shine as the moonlight from the small window next to them hit her face at just the right angle. It made him close his mouth immediately and tense his body up, waiting for the verbal punch to the gut he knew he was about to receive.

"What would you have done if I didn't want to stay with you?" she asked, the fear in her voice hitting his ears like a screech attack.

He wanted to tell her that he would've followed her to the ends of the Earth and back again, sweet albeit blissfully ignorant peasant girl be damned; but he couldn't. For some reason - maybe the tone of her voice or the way her teary eyes penetrated through him - he couldn't bring himself to reassure her. All he could do was tell her the truth: "I don't know."

She turned her head once again, staring up at the ceiling the way she had been for what seemed like hours before she broke the silence between them. The wet warmth of her tears hit her cheeks, leaving stinging stickiness in its wake as the moisture hit the cold air of the cabin.

She wanted to scream; she wanted to throw things; she wanted to beat the ever-living hell out of him; she wanted to throw up. Instead, she simply replied, "I don't know, either."

"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

"I don't know how I can trust you anymore." Stated so simply and yet the implications were anything but. Once again beating him to the punch, she rolled over and put her back to him before he could respond in any way, ending the conversation for the time being by saying, "Goodnight, James."

"Look on the bright side," Miyamoto said, standing in front of Giovanni's desk while the man himself hunched over it, elbows on either side of him propping up his head as he rubbed both of his temples, "at least it wasn't Ash this time."

"Oh, yes. More children to interfere with my plans. That certainly is looking on the bright side," he retorted.

"You didn't even need this plan, really; you said yourself that it was a shortcut to get the energy you needed to power..." she trailed off, gesturing with her hand in the direction where the infamous warehouse still stood at the back of the compound, "whatever the hell it is you have going on back there. You can still do it -"

"It's going to take more time, damnit!" he growled, slamming one fist down on his desk and wincing at the pain in both his head and now his hand as well. "Namba, with the help of that Zager fellow, is actually close to a breakthrough. I wanted to have Raikou and its power ready to go as soon as they hit pay-dirt. Now," he began, sitting up straight in his chair and attempting to calm himself, "there's the distinct possibility that we'll have something extremely powerful sitting there, collecting dust while we gather the necessary elements to power it."

"So Raikou was like a one-stop shop for energy."

"I do so love the eloquent way you put things, Miyamoto," Giovanni sneered, resting his head back against the chair and shutting his eyes.

Giving him a few moments of respite, she took a step back before placing her hands behind her back and asking, "What could you possibly be up to that would require that much power, Giovanni?"

A small smirk came across his lips, eyes still shut, his own hands resting in his lap. "Now Miyamoto...why would I ever ruin the surprise?"

The night was an uncharacteristic one for Team Rocket. No one ate very well. No one said much. Even their new addition Cacnea could sense something was off in the group dynamic. Sadness and tension filled the air, taking their tolls on Meowth to the point where he went to bed early, dragging his sleeping bag away from the crackling fire where Jessie and James still remained.

The atmosphere only became worse when it was just the two of them, the still-unsettled feelings presented after their stint as angels of justice looming in the air, making the already thick heaviness of it almost unbearable.

Jessie poked at the fire with a stick, watching little burning embers fly up into the air and disappear into nothingness. She didn't know how she wasn't curled up against a rock somewhere, crying her eyes out at just about everything at the moment. She was barely back on her feet and moving on from her near-death experience when suddenly she was thrust into a drowning old town, then stuck on a ship headed for the only other place in the world besides Kanto that held as many good memories as it did bad. Barely over drowning again and reliving the past, everything she knew was turned upside-down with the loss of her beloved Arbok and trust in James. Two things she had counted on for so very long were gone in the blink of an eye, leaving her feeling cold and exposed despite the heat emanating from the fire in front of her.

"I would've given it up."

Only moving her eyes to look up at James from across the fire, she asked, "What?"

He wasn't looking at her, his eyes instead fixated on the ground in front of his feet. Hunched over - something he rarely did as good posture was quite literally beaten into him - his hands folded and resting on his knees, he repeated himself and then elaborated, "I would've given it up. I would've given up the chance to be a hero...to have a normal life with a nice girl that was relatively sane and seemed to really like me. I would've given up my potential happiness to be with you."

Swallowing hard, Jessie shut her eyes and shook her head slightly. "Don't do this...not now, please..."

"I don't know if I would've been happy with Kate," he continued, ignoring her plea, "but when I'm with you, Jessie...I know I'm happy. I know I'm where I belong." Shutting his eyes now as well, he said, "Why would I ever choose an uncertain fate over the only thing I've ever been certain of in my life?"

"Don't you know that nothing is certain?" she retorted, jerking her head up to look at him, tears in her eyes. "Everything that I thought I was certain of in this life has been ripped away from me somehow."

"You mean...your trust in me," he said quietly, barely audible over the crackle of the fire.

"Not just that. My mother. My Pokemon. My dreams."

Opening his eyes, James looked up at her and tried to catch her own, a sharp pain shooting through his stomach at the quick sight of her tears before she turned her head away. "I may not be able to make any of those things better...but I can promise you that I'll earn your trust again. No secrets between us...no uncertainty."

She winced slightly, a twinge of guilt prickling the back of her neck. James may have had secrets of his own that he never shared with her - his psychotic fiancée being the pièce de résistance - but at least she could say with as much confidence as she possibly could that he harbored nothing else. Even if he did, what could possibly be bigger than being filthy, stinking rich and the existence of Jessibelle?

Jessie, on the other hand, still had her own secrets tucked away. It had nothing to do with trust - and yet it had everything to do with it, didn't it? Trusting someone meant that you could share everything with them, even the most horrible, embarrassing moments of your life, and know that they wouldn't judge you or ridicule you for it. Instead, they would support you and be able to help carry the exceedingly heavy weight you'd put upon your own shoulders. How could she possibly think him untrustworthy? Why was her immediate response always to blame someone else when, deep down, she knew it was all her own insecurities and misinterpretations that caused so much grief?

"I've been here before," she said, breaking the increasingly long silence between them.

Frowning a little, James blinked at the unexpected and confusing response. "What?"

"Hoenn," she continued, still not looking at him and instead training her focus on what appeared to be a sound asleep Meowth in his sleeping bag, "I've been here before."

"What?" he asked again. "When was this?"

What the hell was she doing? Why all of a sudden did she feel the need to rip off this band-aid and expose the wound? It wouldn't change anything for the better; but how could it possibly make things worse?

"I came here with Astin," she stated quickly, stomach churning at the mention of his name. Before James was able to produce another shocked and confused "what?", she trudged on, "We met up again by complete coincidence one day. He told me about contests in the Johto region and about another place that held them called Hoenn. He asked if I wanted to come with him and...I said yes."

"Wait," James said, voice surprisingly sharp, "you're telling me that while I was searching for you, you weren't even in Kanto? You were...were off somewhere with Astin, of all people?"

"I had nothing going for me," Jessie explained. "I was searching through trash for even the tiniest bits of food. My bike was falling apart. I had no friends, no Pokemon -"

"Well, whose fault was that?" he interrupted, standing from his spot on the ground.

"I - I know," she said, swallowing hard. "But when he asked me...I thought that I would be able to finally live my dream of being a coordinator."

"How many tears did you cry over him?" James asked, his sadness and worry twisting into anger and betrayal.

"More than you know," she replied, turning her head to finally look at him, the look on his face prompting more tears to fall down her cheeks. "He wasn't who I thought he was."

"Neither am I," he spat back in an uncharacteristically harsh tone, "but somehow I always end up getting the brunt of your anger from things that other people have done to you! I'm not Butch. I'm not Chopper. I'm not Astin. I've never done anything but support you and - and the one instance that I may have thought twice about this life we're leading, you lose trust in me?"

"That's why I'm telling you this," she said, standing from the ground as well. "I - I realize how hypocritical -"

"It's not just hypocritical...it's cruel." Pausing, crossing his arms against his chest, he asked, "What happened between you, then?"

She had never felt so small in her life. James calling her out on all her bullshit combined with reliving her previous time in Hoenn made the thought of curling up against a log and sobbing even more appealing. "I didn't have any Pokemon, so I couldn't technically compete. I got a contest pass anyway, hoping that maybe once I caught something I would be able to join Astin in all his contests." Gulping down a growing lump in her throat, she continued shakily, "He promised that he would help me but...but all he did was focus on himself." Shaking her head, she then lowered it. "I trusted that he would help me make my dream come true and instead he became so obsessed with winning in these more competitive contests."

"So his dream was more important than yours."

Looking up at him again, she didn't fight back the tears falling down her cheeks. "He hit a slump. That changed him. Even after he started winning again, he was...he was horrible."

"What did it take for you to finally leave?" Huffing a little, James shifted his weight from one leg to the other. "Or did he leave you? Again?"

Sliding her arms around herself, she shut her eyes, trying to ignore the way his words sliced through her to the bone. "One day when I thought he was in a good mood, I asked if he would let me use one of his Pokemon to get a feel for contest battles. He agreed but...he gave me a condition."

"What was it?"

"Sleep with him." Both Rockets quiet for a few moments, Jessie broke the silence again by continuing, voice cracking, "Do you know how close I was to doing it? How desperately I wanted to be something...anything. I even agreed to it. I said I would fuck him in exchange for help training for contests and I didn't even have a Pokemon! Who the hell does that? Who's that fucking pathetic?"

His own guilt began to creep in as he lowered his arms to his sides, face and voice softening. "Jessie...what - what stopped you?"

Opening her eyes, she looked up at him, both looking right at each other for the first time that night. "You."

"What? How did I -"

"I thought about why I left you. I thought about that night in the warehouse and how...how sincere you were. And there I was, about to do this disgusting, degrading thing..." she trailed off, slumping back to the ground, crying softly.

Slowly, James made his way around the fire and joined her, getting down on his knees next to her and sliding an arm around her shoulders. "But you didn't. And I don't think it was completely because of me...I - I think maybe you knew that you're better than that."

She shook her head, eyes squeezed shut. "I didn't. I don't."

"Well, you are. Despite...despite everything...you're strong and amazing -"

"And cruel."

Looking down, James moved his legs out from under himself and sat down on the ground with her. "You can be; but I know it comes from a lot of pain. I - I suppose I just wish that...that everyone else's betrayal and bad treatment of you didn't get taken out on me so much."

"It shouldn't," she agreed, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. "The only reason I got so upset at the thought of you and that girl is because you're the only thing I've ever been close to being certain about, too."

"But Jessie, I wanted you there with me -"

"To what? Be a third wheel? Hook up with that socially awkward professor and go on dandy double-dates with you and that girl - who, by the way, wasn't quite right in the head?" Tucking some of her hair behind her ear, she looked away from him again. "At least I try to think about our mutual happiness. Money, fame...it's all so we can sit around and be rich and silly together." Shrugging a little, she shifted awkwardly against the ground. "Seeing you with another girl wouldn't have made me very happy."

Blinking slowly, he leaned forward slightly, trying to get a view of her face. "Are you admitting to being jealous?"

"Not of her," she said quickly. "Of you being happy. I want us to be happy together."

Smiling slightly, he used his arm to pull her closer, her body stiff against his but not fighting the affection. "My happiness wouldn't have made you happy, then?"

"It would've pissed me off."

James couldn't help but laugh, sliding his other arm around her and hugging her. "Well, at least now we're being honest."

She sighed softly, head resting against his shoulder. "If it makes you feel any better, I slapped him before I stormed out and went back to Kanto."

He nodded. "It does, actually. Thank you."

Silence enveloped them again, broken only by the sound of the waning fire and an occasional snore from Meowth. After a few more minutes of sitting together, letting each other's words sink in, Jessie shrugged herself out from under James's arm and stood, taking another quick pass at her still-bleary eyes with the back of her hand before brushing the dirt off the bottom of her uniform.

"We should get some rest. It's been a hell of a day."

Nodding once again, James stood and moved back to the other side of the fire to unpack his sleeping bag. He jumped slightly when he heard her quietly, cautiously say his name. "Yes, Jessie?"

The feeling of smallness hadn't yet left her, the way she stood saying more than any words could - two hands clutching the edge of her sleeping bag, holding it up over herself in some attempt to try and once again conceal what she hadn't already shown that night. "Could we...could we zip our bags together tonight?" Swallowing hard and darting her eyes away from their campsite, she added softly, "I don't want to sleep alone."

A small, sad smile spread across his face and he went over to her, dragging his bag along with him. She returned the smile as best she could, watching as he then laid out both their bags and combined them into one. She barely had enough energy left to get out of her boots, gloves, and jacket before all but collapsing onto her side of the sleeping bag. He soon joined her after discarding the same things and his pants, easing in next to her. With barely enough time to make himself comfortable, she was at his side like a shot, head on his chest and arm draped over his stomach. He smiled again and slid his arm around her, his other hand pulling their bags up to her chin and his chest.

"We'll be okay, right?" she asked.

He really did hate having to be confident one, even if the moments of Jessie's weakness were few and far between. "Of course we will," he said, despite his own worries. "We always come out...well, not on top but..."

"Together," she interjected, letting her suddenly heavy eyes fall shut. "We always come out of it together."

Leaning down, he brushed his lips against her forehead, fingers running through her hair. "Right. You and me. Always."