TMNT are not mine.

There is no polite way of putting it, I'm quite frankly sick of TMNT miracle babies. That being said, I do have a fic in the works that has the TMNT dealing with kids (this is not The Wrong Choice). It's realistic first off so it's dark and it's angsty and it certainly isn't happy lalalala babies like everyone seems to write. There's a lot more to consider than oooh, babies are adorable, suddenly let's stop making sense with the fic and just focus on babies.

So here's crack to tide you over before I write a fic that will hopefully make you never look at TMNT kids the same way again. You been warned.

There will be lots of mentions of TMNT naughty bits in this fic. These naughty bits are probably not going to be the naughty bits that you're used to. That's right, they're realistic, coming out of the turtle's tail naughty bits. Why are you looking so shocked? That's where normal turtles have them. Not this weird got-a-slit-in-the-plastron nonsense. I can't even comprehend the changes necessary to move them from inside the tail to the plastron but it must have been excruciatingly painful. And don't tell me they were always there in the first place because then the turtles would have been mutants before they even came into contact with the mutagen.

Oh yes and there will be swearing.

A group of Foot ninja were performing their weekly random evil patrol across the city. They leapt from rooftop to rooftop, silently sweeping across the nightscape as they searched for groups of innocent girls that they could kidnap for…whatever random purpose the Shredder had need for them. He always needed random girls for random reasons. It wasn't the place for his minions to question him but sometimes they really wondered when the purpose of their glorious clan had side-tracked into…well, it clearly was pedophilia. Which was strange given that their master was an alien.

A tentacle alien.

…..

Maybe not so strange after all.

As the last ninja prepared itself (all members of the Foot clan were androgynous) for the next jump onto one of the non-descript rooftops, it tripped over something that certainly hadn't been there a second ago but had materialised through sheer ninja skill alone.

That something was a baby.

Not only was it a baby, but it was absolutely adorable. If the Foot ninja had eyes, they would have been glistened over as it suffered from an overwhelming attack of cute. Unfortunately, cuteness is fatal to Foot ninjas and the warrior collapsed on the spot.

The rest of the squad members were much luckier, as they looped back one of them tossed a smoke pellet and, in an impromptu lesson of moving without sight, the small child was quickly covered in a cloth. Why a Foot ninja was carrying round a random piece of material was a closely guarded clan secret, they used them for spontaneous midnight picnics in Central Park where they sacrificed a live chicken to the moon god and prayed for success in their battles against their reptilian enemies.

Well…it wasn't a group of young girls. But the child was definitely a baby mutant turtle and something worth investigating. The ninjas gathered their fallen comrade and the small child and headed back to headquarters.

The Hamato household was in one of its rare lulls. There had no alien invasions to fight off, no run-ins with a certain government agent, the Foot clan had been quiet for a while now and even the Purple Dragons had been lying low.

All in all, they were a week overdue for their daily weirdness.

As the family chilled out in front of the television, they weren't all too surprised to hear the door to the lair open, even though April was off visiting her sister and Casey…was off-well, no one really cared about what Casey did. He wasn't important to the grand scheme of things. Stupid Casey.

Anyway the door to the lair opened and a young woman walked in. Actually, make that two. Three. Eight. Twenty five. All freakishly good looking and had massive knockers. Wait, was that a female turtle? There were seven of them. And each and every woman had at least five children. Half-human, half turtle kids or completely mutant turtle children.

So, basically a whole flood of woman and babies poured into the lair without even setting off a single alarm. The Hamato clan blinked once.

Dumbly.

"The fuck?" Raphael muttered eventually as his family struggled to comprehend the sheer level of WTF-ery that was occurring that morning. Even Splinter failed to admonish Raphael for his language as his brain ineffectively tried to compute the scene before him.

"Um, excuse me," Leo said hesitantly as he bravely stood up to address the crowd. "Just who are you and how did you get inside our home?"

The women immediately began to talk at once and Leo held up his hand as he was blasted by a roar of noise. "One at a time please!" he snapped. He pointed at a random woman, who had sparkly pink hair and purple eyes and was eying Donatello in a strange, lustful manner, "You, go first."

"I am Violet!" the pink haired wonder exclaimed, "Don't you remember showing me the way to your top secret lair?"

"I-what?" Leo snuck a horrified look at his family, surely they didn't believe that he, Leonardo Hamato would ever commit such a breach in their ninja code! "I don't even know you!"

"Yes you do, you rescued me a couple of months ago."

Leo blinked as he reviewed the woman before him. She was vaguely familiar but… "I did rescue you….from a dark alleyway," he admitted slowly as the memory returned. "I still don't understand how the sidewalk managed to gobble your stiletto up but that's beside the point. The thing is I rescued you very stealthily, because I'm a NINJA, and you didn't catch a glimpse of me. And I certainly didn't show you the way to our lair. And where did you get all these babies from?" a slight note of hysteria entered Leo's voice as he realised just how many of the brats there were in the lair. He already had three of them to look after and they were more than enough.

"These are my kids, Granite, Photosynthesis, Multicellular, Algorithm and Positron. And I'm here to see my men," she pointed a finger at Don…then Mikey…then Raph and finally Leo himself. "Four of my kids here was fathered by one of you but all of you fathered Positron."

Immediately the other woman began to speak up, with shouts of, "No, there are MY men!"

"Donatello didn't father your kids, you whore! He fathered my babies!"

"No! Mine!"

As it degenerated to an all-out argument, Splinter raised one dubious eyebrow at his sons that immediately spoke of BIG TROUBLE. "Enough!" he said and the room fell silent. "I will have a private word with my sons. You may wait for us…outside our home as you have intruded here and are not our guests. If we may, can we get a tally of how many babies belong to which son?"

"What," the Shredder began in an incredulous voice, "Is this?"

The Foot ninja carefully presenting the turtle child shrugged and said nothing, since all Foot ninja were mute. It was a rare genetic defect that struck all people who dressed in black pyjamas and ran around on rooftops. New initiates to the clan foolishly believed that the moon god sacrifice brought it on. Idiots.

Karai approached the baby and intensely inspected the infant. At last, she looked up and concluded, "This is a baby mutant turtle. A female baby turtle apparently."

The Shredder snorted at her reply, "I know THAT," he said, complete with eye rolling. Except, his helmet screened out his pupils so no one could actually tell that he was rolling his eyes. What a waste of effort. "I mean, why is it so…adorable?"

As soon as the word left his mouth, hell froze over. "Yes she is," Karai said, gazing at the child with the beginnings of a faint maternal feeling stirring inside her. "I think…we should keep her."

Ordinarily the Shredder would have reprimanded Karai for speaking out of turn but he was in complete agreement with her here. "Yes, I will bring this child up in the ways of the Foot clan! Karai, say hello to your adopted sister…Athena."

"That's a lovely name!" Doctor Chaplin piped up, from whichever dark corner he'd been hiding in all this time.

"So, we're going to bring this kid up to fight the turtles?" Hun suggested…he'd materialised from….well, there were no dark corners to hide him and yet he clearly hadn't been in the room seconds before.

Karai, the Shredder and Chaplin stared at Hun. "Of course not," the Shredder said slowly, as though speaking to an idiot. "Athena will have no part in such things. She will have lots of teddy bears and tea parties, none of this weapon training nonsense."

As the Shredder began to tenderly attend to his new child, Karai left the room, a plot for maternity already brewing in her heart.