"We can't believe in others, when we can't believe in ourselves." - Castles in the Sky.

For Ashbear, here's to ten years of 'goofy' stories.

Amber Lights

Squall and Rinoa - it's the uncertainty of waiting on amber lights that makes choosing the right decision so difficult. In one crucial moment, one chooses to see the lights turn red, while the other sees green. Given another chance, will the right decision be made, or is history bound to repeat itself?

Chapter One - For better, for worse.

Imagine yourself waiting at a set of traffic lights. You look up and see the lights have turned amber, but you are unsure of what colour they'll turn next. You wait there, feeling apprehensive, scared, and unsure whether to make a move. The people around you go on ahead, some hold back, patient with an air of comprehension. They all possess the knowledge you don't, comprehend the system, and are able to make sound judgements. But you wait there, undecided and fearful of taking the wrong step.

Do you stay or go? Your mind is at a crossroads, haywires of indecisive thoughts. You don't know the right answer and feel uncomfortable asking for help. You open your mouth and utter the words - they'll know you're weak.

So you stand there, looking up with uncertainty, waiting on amber lights. You may stand there for a while before you get an indication to go ahead or turn back. You despise the orange glow penetrating and encircling you with uncertainty and confusion. For you, things are never simple, and never an easy decision to make.

That is the biggest hurdle. The ambiguity of the right choice. The insecurities incorporated into making the wrong move. You can choose to go on, but could ultimately destroy everything. Or you can hold back, but forever live to regret.

There you remain, feeling hopeless and insecure. And at last when you're about to give up, you feel someone take your hand, smile at you, and guide you along the way.

Squall remained seated on the brown leather sofa, half angry and half hurt. Was she bluffing? It was like her to overreact, but not to this level. She had cried, but then again, she had cried before.

He wanted to get up and give in, but if she was bluffing, he'd look weak. She'd come round anyway. She'd know she made a stupid rash decision and ask for his forgiveness. She had done it plenty of times before, it was in her nature to ask personal questions, make hasty decisions and then repent at leisure. But even so, Squall had a sick feeling in his gut that something about this situation was different.

As if on cue, Zell barged into his apartment, shock and worry written all over his face as he pointed to the now half open door.

"She's leaving," he stated in a panicked tone of disbelief.

Squall couldn't even look at him, turning his head to the blank screen of their TV set. He knew he had to make a choice now, either get off his proud mercenary butt and go after her, or remain where he was and wait for her to return.

So naturally, the Commander did what he thought was right; folded his legs and picked up his file.

"I know," he finally replied.

"What do you mean phase two!" Squall Leonhart shouted down the end of the receiver. "I've already gone through the counselling phase!"

"Commander Leonhart, I am well aware of that fact. But as you are well aware, your marriage was under an Estharian-"

"Estharian law. I understand," Squall irritably concluded.

"Yes, and since it was under Estharian law, you must go through the proper Estharian divorce procedures," Mr Stiles reiterated for the tenth time.

"I don't understand why the Judge doesn't accept the situation and hand over the divorce papers," Squall replied with frustration. He had a good mind to go down to the Estharian Court and give that guy a good reconciliation.

"The Judge has said, until you both go through a physical reconciliation process, he cannot issue the papers. I am sorry Commander Leonhart, but I am merely the messenger," Mr Stiles's unnerved tone replied back.

Squall released a frustrated grunt as he realised his predicament. Physical reconciliation meant one thing; seeing her again. The last time he had seen her was over a year ago, he wasn't sure if he could he could do it. Hating her when she was absent was easy. But doing it in her presence was a whole different story. He felt like swearing, punching something, or at least wrecking havoc on a pack of Grats in the Training Centre.

"So, shall I go ahead and get the procedures sorted out?" Mr Stiles asked wistfully.

"Well, I don't have any other choice, do I?" Squall angrily replied, slamming the receiver down and letting out a low grunt. It seemed the Commander's bestial etiquettes went hand in hand with his unpleasant moods.

He breathed evenly, inhaling through his nose and releasing through his mouth, trying to calm himself and rid his impending hate-filled thoughts. But suffice to say, this little predicament was taking up a lot of his time, and now it seemed it was going to take up even more. Whose bloody idea was it to get married in Esthar anyway? It was completely simple in Balamb; you want to get married, get married. You want to get divorced, get divorced. None of this bull of counselling and then physical reconciliation, whatever the hell that meant.

What's more, he had a good mind to show Mr Stiles some reconciliation with his gunblade. The damn lawyer was supposed to be on his side! But the bloodsucking prick was actually going ahead with this whole extravaganza. Anything to increase his pay.

Pushing himself off his computer chair, Squall picked up his gunblade and headed out of his office. A good few solid hours in the Training Centre should relieve his anguish and prevent him from thinking about her too much.

"Take care of yourself, Squall," Rinoa barely uttered, before pulling her luggage out of their apartment and closing the door shut.

Taking in a deep breath, she walked determinedly down the Garden dormitory hall towards the lobby. Keeping her head held high, she was very glad that no other students were lurking about to witness her departure. Or so she had thought.

Just her luck, Quistis was heading in her direction, files in hand along with what looked like a pink box of Rinoa's favourite donuts. The Instructor spotted the Sorceress straight away, giving her a cheeky grin and holding up the boxed treats. It instantly brought fresh tears to the Sorceress's eyes and the pill like form in her throat hardened.

Quistis's face contorted to a frown, confused as to why her friend was crying. Her eyes fell down to what the young Sorceress was pulling along behind her, and her stomach immediately flipped over.

"Rinoa?" Quistis could only say when she finally reached the other girl. The look on her face was fairly evident that she wanted an explanation as to why her friend had her bags packed.

"I can't do this anymore, Quistis," Rinoa eventually managed an audible reply preventing a sob. "I need to get out of here and clear my head."

"Honey, you don't need to leave, let's talk to him," she tried suggesting, putting a comforting arm over the other girl's shoulder.

Accepting the hug, Rinoa let a few tears escape before replying, "No Quistis, I'm done talking, and nothing will change what's already happened."

Breaking away, Quistis looked at Rinoa, worried and feeling completely unhelpful. This wasn't a normal relationship problem, and the Instructor knew that without them communicating, there wasn't a way to salvage their relationship. The communication between them had lessened over the year, and over recent months with Squall immersed in Garden work, it had practically deteriorated, resulting with matters he was barely aware of.

As if sensing what Quistis was thinking about, Rinoa's teary eyes welled up even more. Biting her bottom lip, she held Quistis's hand tightly, looking at her pleadingly before letting out a small whimper.

"Please, don't tell him," she begged.

Quistis nodded straight away, pulling Rinoa into a hug and blinking away the tears in her own eyes. There was absolutely nothing she could do apart from being there for her two friends. Rinoa was correct, there was nothing to change the circumstance, Ellone had already taught them that the past couldn't be changed. Hence, it was all the Instructor could do to hold Rinoa in her arms and try and be as supportive as she could.

"Whenever you need me, call, okay? I have enough holiday time saved up if ever you need me," Quistis determinedly quipped, tightening the hold she had on the other girl as if she'd disappear right there.

"Oi! Get a room!"

It didn't take a genius to guess who that was. As Rinoa broke away from the hug, quickly wiping her eyes of her tears, she could see Irvine, Selphie and Zell walking toward their direction. She wiped her cheeks as vigorously as she could, but her puffy red eyes were a dead give away, not to mention the black and pink luggage hiding idly behind her.

"Hey guys," Rinoa chirpily called out as they approached closer. Her hopes of them not noticing her sore eyes were to nought as all eyes fell on the luggage and returned to her questioningly.

"You and Squall going away?" Irvine asked accusingly.

Lowering her head in shame, Rinoa shook her head negatively. As if Squall had time for that anymore. It seemed the only going away Squall ever seemed to be up for was missions, missions and even more missions. The last time they had been away was one weekend in which she had begged him for. And even then, it was only down to the Balamb Hotel, conveniently for him.

"I'm going to Timber," Rinoa answered in a whisper.

Zell didn't even bother to hear the rest, running towards Squall's apartment in haste. The other two stood for a second processing what Rinoa was saying, unsure if what they were thinking was in conjunction to the situation at hand.

"Lovers' tiff," Irvine jokingly scoffed. "C'mon, let's go talk to Squall."

Taking Rinoa's luggage out of her hand, he began to pull her towards the opposite direction.

"No, Irvine, just let me go," she replied, pulling away.

"Rinoa, come on!" Irvine laughingly persisted. "Don't be silly."

"Irvine, just give me my case," Rinoa demanded, freeing herself from his grasp and holding her hand out for the luggage.

"Rin-"

"Just give me the damn case!" She shouted, before raising her hands to her mouth and whimpering. She didn't mean to shout at them, it wasn't their fault, they were just trying to help; play happy families. No one could understand her hurt, no one except Quistis, so it was no wonder why they were all pushing her to make amends.

Letting go of her case, Irvine stepped forward, wrapping his arms around her and apologising. Selphie stood next to them, her arm on Rinoa's and her face pallid with fear; her eyes filled with panicked tears, unsure of what was happening, or why her friend was leaving.

"I'll call you guys when I get there," Rinoa replied, sniffing hard and clearing her throat.

Then without another word, she took hold of the handle to her luggage and rolled it towards the lobby. Giving one quick glance at Quistis, she saw the blonde nod at her in understanding, before turning back and walking away.

The rain had been pouring constantly for four hours and didn't at all seem like it was going to stop. The bus stand opposite Rinoa's window was sloped down toward a dip in the road, and she could now see the accumulated water reaching its brink before it would inevitably spill over onto the pavement. She hoped no one would stand at the bus stop, in fear of a bus approaching and splashing all that dirty rainwater all over them.

She'd forgotten about Timber's rainy season, though it was perfect for her current mood - in fact, perfect for her mood that had remained constant since she had arrived - she could predict that the amount of tears that she had shed still hadn't equated to the amount of rain Timber had seen.

A year on and still her eyes remained moist. She had thought that with time she'd eventually get over it, but the reoccurring scenes in her head felt as fresh as if they took place yesterday. She couldn't believe how fast the year had gone, yet how slowly her heart was mending itself - if it was mending itself.

There was nothing she could do at this point, except sit in her lounge, looking out onto the grey dismal Timber streets, wondering what her friends were doing in Balamb. It pained her to think of them, even more so because of the way she had left. She didn't mean to be so unwilling, but they didn't know she was a lost cause. They just wanted to fix the problem, only they failed to see that there was no possible solution.

She wondered if they were angry with her. When she had first arrived she waited a whole month before calling them. At first it was awkward, they kept mentioning him, and asking when she'd get back. Soon the calls were less frequent, though she couldn't say the same for Quistis. That blonde bombshell was harder to discourage and had called her constantly throughout her year in Timber. She smiled at the perseverance of her friend.

But it wasn't surprising in the least, that once the divorce lawyers had been appointed, they're fears were heightened even more. They questioned constantly, pleaded for a second chance and begged for her return. Each and every single one of them. Except him.

She shook her head not wanting to think of him. But try as might, she couldn't get Squall out of her mind let alone her heart. She questioned her motives many times, were they reasonable? Her actions were always under scrutiny, was she too rash and hasty? It seemed that the irresponsible girl she was insistent on leaving behind, had actually followed her into this hole.

Depressingly, her thoughts lingered on one huge aspect. He didn't care for her as much as she deluded herself into thinking. He didn't love her as much as she had hoped he did. Maybe he had at the beginning, but that was definitely a time in the past. Five years had changed the dynamics of their relationship. Something which she had seen coming, but could not prevent. Since her move to Timber, not once had he called, not that she should have expected as much since he hadn't even come after her.

Looking above at the grey rain clouds, Rinoa could only let out sighs of regrets. How she had gotten herself into this mess was beyond her understanding. There absolutely was no way she could see a way out of it. A way to fix their dysfunctional problems that she had played a major part in.

The phone sitting on her coffee table began to ring, a noise which she felt like ignoring. Days like this, all the Sorceress wanted to do was sit and reflect on the similarities between her mood and the weather. But the ringing persisted and the young Sorceress soon found herself walking over to the phone, albeit begrudgingly, and picking it up.

"Hello," she weakly spoke a tired greeting.

"Mrs Leonhart?" The woman at the other end of the phone enquired.

It pained her every time to hear that name, to see the name every time a payslip or bank statement came through the post. Never had she imagined that the same name she once took pride and excitement in, would once be such a painful sight. But in some bizarre sense of hope her reply was comforting.

"Yes," she answered.

"It's Caroline Chambers," the woman's cheerful voice pitched back. "I have some updates regarding your husband."

"Uh-huh," Rinoa continued with her one word answers, quite frankly not knowing what to say.

"I spoke to his lawyer about the physical reconciliation phase and he said he'd talk to him about it-"

"Do you think there's even a point? He didn't even show up to the sessions," Rinoa replied hopelessly.

"Well actually, his lawyer just called me back, apparently Mr Leonhart agreed," Caroline replied with a hint of laughter.

"Really?" Rinoa asked, astonished at what she was hearing.

In the past six months Squall hadn't shown up to a single one of their counselling classes and meetings. She had no doubt that he would disagree to actually physically trying to reconcile. But somehow she had been wrong.

As Rinoa smiled to herself, her thoughts returned to a hope that maybe there would be a change. That somehow she had finally broken though a wall, or at least made some crack in Squall's hard exterior, and at last was seeing a result. Maybe he wanted this reconciliation. Sure it took bloody long enough, but ultimately he was actually willing to attend.

"You bet. I've had Eric on the phone just now and confirmed that he'd get the dates sorted out," Caroline enlightened the sorceress, her tone audibly happy.

"Erm," Rinoa let out a breath, "where?" She asked, returning to the comfort of her one worded sentences.

"Well, it will probably have to be in Esthar, the Judge was pretty adamant that you both live together without interference."

A faint smile was placed upon Rinoa's lips, something which, though her heart and mind was still sceptical, it allowed her to feel some form of optimism. Her earlier thoughts of his care and love for her resurfaced, but now with a different outlook. Maybe this was his way of showing he cared. So her Knight had been a little proud at first, he was probably still getting over the shock of seeing the divorce application. But, he had come round and agreed to see her again, there was a substantial possibility that he wanted to correct his errors.

Rinoa thanked her lawyer and placed the phone back on its stand, breathing unevenly from surprise at the unexpected call. Her head was still gathering all the information and her emotions were slowly allowing the initial shock to settle.

Never in their entire time apart, had she felt anything less than love for him. She tried at first to despise him when he didn't call, tried harder when two months had passed and she realised he wouldn't come after her. By the sixth month she had filed for divorce and yet Squall had showed no emotion. At least not to her.

Walking back to her window, Rinoa looked out to notice that the rain had finally stopped. Though the patches of grey clouds still lingered in the sky, she knew it would only be a matter of time before the sun finally shone through.

It was already well past curfew as the Commander headed back towards his dormitory with his gunblade flung over his shoulder. He had pretty much killed every Grat on sight, much to the chagrin of a few prospective SeeD candidates who had been hoping to prepare for the field exam the next day.

Now the Commander headed back to his lair, his undershirt half drenched in sweat and his brown locks matted down to his head. He had taken out all his frustration in the best possible manner he saw fit. It worked every time, but Squall was gradually coming to terms that the length of time it took was increasing. He remembered back to the days of being a Cadet, when Seifer would tease him particularly, it only took an hour to get his vexation out of his system before he was able to return to normal. Rinoa's comatose status had seen him in the Training Centre for a bit longer than that, but never for nearly half his working day. Things were getting serious.

In his apartment, the Commander removed his sweat soaked clothes and discarded them into the laundry basket, before grabbing a towel and heading into the shower. He turned the hot water knob full way and stepped into the heated encasement, allowing the water to trickle down his aching body. It was a haven for his muscles after a painful workout.

Within the year, his apartment had seen many changes; no longer was there a shared towel rack, no longer was there rose and jasmine scented toiletries, no longer was there pictures decorating nearly every room of his humble abode. Now the lion's lair truly was an imitation of a catalogue magazine. Everything was generic, his living room prim and proper from the glass coffee table, complete with several issues of Weapon's Monthly, to his entertainment system which was barely ever touched. His bathroom was also the picture of a perfectly neat and tidy prop just begging for a mark of uniqueness.

Though his room did have some character, as disgustingly generic as it was, it was very different to the other default Balamb dorm rooms that he and Rinoa first entered upon. However, even her touch was long gone. Every single object of Rinoa's hard effort to make the place less prison-esque and more like their own love shack, had been placed in tightly sealed large boxed containers and stored in his personal garage. Nothing in this apartment shed even the slightest memory of her presence. It was as if she hadn't ever lived with him. It was as if she hadn't even stepped foot in his apartment let alone had half her stuff dotted around the place. It was an ease to look around the place and not be reminded of her. He didn't stumble upon one of her missing socks. He didn't 'accidentally' pick up her coffee mug. He didn't drowsily roll over to her side of the bed and smell the sweet scent of her perfume. Everything was his and she had no involvement in it.

Yet, there was one place she had invaded a long time ago and it seemed there was no way of getting her out. As Squall placed both palms against the tiled wall, bending slightly forward with his head bowed down and his eyes firmly shut, the water splattering against his muscled back, he could do nothing but keep thinking about Rinoa.

A whole year and she still occupied his mind, in nearly every free thought she would come barging in and vacate. It was all he could do but lay awake at nights, thinking what had possessed her to act so rashly. And what he had done to keep her away for so long.

He couldn't deny that insecure thoughts had filled his mind and only a week in and he was questioning her feelings. Did she really love him? Did she care for him at all? Surely, anyone who felt anything sincere wouldn't have gone so far. If he had done something so unforgiving, then she should have told him. But he hadn't as far as he could remember, and the only faults he could, didn't equate to the severity of her actions.

Remembering the phone call he'd had with his lawyer brought back infuriation and annoyance. He couldn't possibly go ahead with this ridiculous procedure. He didn't want to give in and have her think he was still pining after her. Rinoa wanted to leave, she had packed her bags, got on a train and left. She hadn't called, not once, and six months later, she had filed for divorce.

"Damn it!" Squall grunted, smashing his fist into the tiled wall.

It was clear she didn't love him.

Author Notes, 6th May 2011: A year ago, around this time, I met my friend n9neSTAR who helped me and encouraged me to post The Set Up. It was the friendship with her that inspired me to write Breaking Through Appearances and just really got me into writing more AUs for this fandom. A year on and it's really down to this lovely lady, Ashbear, that I had the courage to write my first post game story Horns of a Dilemma, and really it was down to her support that I had the guts to post it. So, in celebration for ten years of keeping this fandom alive, I dedicate this story to her. Hopefully, her writing will encourage others to keep this fandom going.

Here's to another ten years! ;)

P.s. The quote above from Castles in the Sky, I used this because it represents inner-strength that sometimes we all lack. It's a beautiful quote and from such a beautiful story.

P.s.s. Huge thanks to Jebus Creiss for the beta reading.